NT needs advice RE: AS ex boyfriend

[Plumeria]

And when it's that abrasive, whether it's people close to me or an annoying thing, it MUST be cast out. And a lot of times, regrettably, it wasn't handled with the tact and respect the situation deserved.

And when it's that abrasive, whether it's people close to me or an annoying thing, it MUST be cast out. And a lot of times, regrettably, it wasn't handled with the tact and respect the situation deserved.

Adam, when you make a decision that it has to go, do you ever want it back again?

I read about catastrophizing and I realized my ex use to do that often. I always wondered why he would worry about things that didn't happen yet… and not only worry about one thing, he would worry about a string of things linked together that had a very low probability of happening in the first place! I always told him that its great he has a back up plan and thinks about things but not to worry about them until he crossed that bridge.
Does catastrophizing really happen often among Aspies?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Adam, when you make a decision that it has to go, do you ever want it back again?

I read about catastrophizing and I realized my ex use to do that often. I always wondered why he would worry about things that didn't happen yet… and not only worry about one thing, he would worry about a string of things linked together that had a very low probability of happening in the first place! I always told him that its great he has a back up plan and thinks about things but not to worry about them until he crossed that bridge.
Does catastrophizing really happen often among Aspies?

Well, I've done it a lot. A lot.

 

[Plumeria]

Well, I've done it a lot. A lot.

Taking back something you let go or catastrophizing or both?

 

[adamindeltona]

Adam, when you make a decision that it has to go, do you ever want it back again?

I read about catastrophizing and I realized my ex use to do that often. I always wondered why he would worry about things that didn't happen yet… and not only worry about one thing, he would worry about a string of things linked together that had a very low probability of happening in the first place! I always told him that its great he has a back up plan and thinks about things but not to worry about them until he crossed that bridge.
Does catastrophizing really happen often among Aspies?

I don't think I've done that, mostly because I have a logical argument as to why I did what I did. Just because someone else might not see or understand the reasons and think that I'm catastrophizing doesn't mean I am.

Do I want to go back again is a difficult question. In the case of my divorce, I will always love my ex-wife, and I wish I could go back and live only in those happy days, but I also understand logically that it's not possible and she needs something in life different than what I can provide.

You also need to remember that NT's attach to emotions differently than aspies, and I believe that's why to you, it would seem like your guy was "catastrophizing"

Don't forget we also process information very differently that you. We have no way to filter out information to focus on the one eventuality you perceive as the one needing attention.

My mom recently asked me about this and the only to describe it is like this:

We MUST process everything, from every little thing that happens in our day including every eventuality caused by any decisions, to every stimuli bombarding us from the natural world. I don't just see a lawn, I see & "feel" every blade of grass. I might not even touch the grass and my brain is processing how every blade would feel and smell as if I was.

Don't forget most aspies have very high IQ's, including myself. This doesn't mean we are geniuses, we just have the capacity to process large amounts of data simultaneously and we do, every second of every day, which is why usually we are always exhausted.

 

[Plumeria]

I don't think I've done that, mostly because I have a logical argument as to why I did what I did. Just because someone else might not see or understand the reasons and think that I'm catastrophizing doesn't mean I am.

Do I want to go back again is a difficult question. In the case of my divorce, I will always love my ex-wife, and I wish I could go back and live only in those happy days, but I also understand logically that it's not possible and she needs something in life different than what I can provide.

You also need to remember that NT's attach to emotions differently than aspies, and I believe that's why to you, it would seem like your guy was "catastrophizing"

Don't forget we also process information very differently that you. We have no way to filter out information to focus on the one eventuality you perceive as the one needing attention.

My mom recently asked me about this and the only to describe it is like this:

We MUST process everything, from every little thing that happens in our day including every eventuality caused by any decisions, to every stimuli bombarding us from the natural world. I don't just see a lawn, I see & "feel" every blade of grass. I might not even touch the grass and my brain is processing how every blade would feel and smell as if I was.

Don't forget most aspies have very high IQ's, including myself. This doesn't mean we are geniuses, we just have the capacity to process large amounts of data simultaneously and we do, every second of every day, which is why usually we are always exhausted.

Again, thank you for sharing. In the case of your divorce, I think you tried everything you could before you decided it was best for both of you to go that route (if I remember correctly). What about something not so severe? Something like peanut butter, as you mentioned, could it be that the "thing" that was abrasive was only abrasive in that point in time and may not be later on?

I think I am logical, most of my friends say I am and I am not a risk taker. I like to think things out before I make a decision -- especially a decision that will make a big impact on me or someone else. But I am also very empathetic, I can often "feel" people and know what they are feeling just by looking at them or being around them. Its almost like I can feel their vibe or aura and that can be exhausting too! Imagine feeling everyone's emotions as well as your own all day long, it can be very exhausting at the end of the day! Today while I was in the mall, I actually tried to imagine that I didn't know people were thinking or feeling and imagined that I can only know what I FELT. I can imagine how it would be difficult to interact and UNDERSTAND people

 

[adamindeltona]

Again, thank you for sharing. In the case of your divorce, I think you tried everything you could before you both decided to go that route (if I remember correctly). What about something not so severe? Something like peanut butter, as you mentioned, could it be that the "thing" that was abrasive was only abrasive in that point in time and may not be later on?

I think I am logical, most of my friends say I am and I am not a risk taker. I like to think things out before I make a decision -- especially a decision that will make a big impact on me or someone else. But I am also very empathetic, I can often "feel" people and know what they are feeling just by looking at them or being around them. Its almost like I can feel their vibe or aura and that can be exhausting too! Imagine feeling what everyone's emotions as well as your own all day long, it can be very exhausting at the end of the day! Today while I was in the mall, I actually tried to imagine that I didn't know people were thinking or feeling and imagined that I can only know what I FELT. I can imagine how it would be difficult to interact and UNDERSTAND people

It can be very difficult to interact with and understand people

in the case of something not so big, I have a story:

Like I mentioned in the religion thread, I'm Jewish, so on the Sabbath, which is saturday, I don't do work or cook. So a tradition of mine for many years was going to the store on friday, and I would get fried chicken from the deli and a loaf of french bread. I would nibble on this throughout the day. I have been doing this for about 10 years. And I have noticed that the quality of food seems to be in a decline, and today's chicken just wasn't good at all and it was very annoying because it is my tradition. After two pieces, I threw the box of chicken away and will never get it again I will change my tradition to something else and do that from now on. I just don't have the patience, or energy to deal with things that annoy me like that.

And that was with something that really isn't that important to most people, but even the smallest things are huge for me.

I recently took my expensive ceiling fan down and threw it away because there was a small noise that was infuriating to me. It doesn't matter that it worked perfectly, or was a good brand that was expensive, I just don't care.

 

[adamindeltona]

I can often "feel" people and know what they are feeling just by looking at them or being around them. Its almost like I can feel their vibe or aura and that can be exhausting too! Imagine feeling what everyone's emotions as well as your own all day long, it can be very exhausting at the end of the day! Today while I was in the mall, I actually tried to imagine that I didn't know people were thinking or feeling and imagined that I can only know what I FELT. I can imagine how it would be difficult to interact and UNDERSTAND people

That is the component aspies don't posses. We can only feel the physical, not abstract. I would imagine that feeling other's emotions would be tiring, and I assume that's one of the reasons why NT's have a difficult time "understanding" the amount and complexity of the data we are bombarded with every moment. Even to the point where silence is so loud it will give me a migraine.

 

[Plumeria]

It can be very difficult to interact with and understand people

in the case of something not so big, I have a story:

Like I mentioned in the religion thread, I'm Jewish, so on the Sabbath, which is saturday, I don't do work or cook. So a tradition of mine for many years was going to the store on friday, and I would get fried chicken from the deli and a loaf of french bread. I would nibble on this throughout the day. I have been doing this for about 10 years. And I have noticed that the quality of food seems to be in a decline, and today's chicken just wasn't good at all and it was very annoying because it is my tradition. After two pieces, I threw the box of chicken away and will never get it again I will change my tradition to something else and do that from now on. I just don't have the patience, or energy to deal with things that annoy me like that.

And that was with something that really isn't that important to most people, but even the smallest things are huge for me.

I recently took my expensive ceiling fan down and threw it away because there was a small noise that was infuriating to me. It doesn't matter that it worked perfectly, or was a good brand that was expensive, I just don't care.

I had to LOL a little when I read that… and Sheldon from Big Bang Theory came to mind (not sure if you watch that show). I think 10 years of eating chicken every Friday is a lot of chicken! I'm Catholic and eating fish every Friday during Lent becomes too excessive for me! Haha. I hope you find something else that will satisfy your taste buds

Ok, I have to ask … is getting annoyed easily (with things, people, etc) a common thing too? Do you feel bad after being impulsive, like throwing away an expensive ceiling fan?

 

[Plumeria]

That is the component aspies don't posses. We can only feel the physical, not abstract. I would imagine that feeling other's emotions would be tiring, and I assume that's one of the reasons why NT's have a difficult time "understanding" the amount and complexity of the data we are bombarded with every moment. Even to the point where silence is so loud it will give me a migraine.

I think I have an understanding, if I replace the emotions I feel from others with the mental energy spent on trying to constantly understand them and their emotions (even after they've left), yes… I could see how that would be more exhausting… and the "silence" would not really be silence because my mind would still be working through it all. DRAINING.

 

[adamindeltona]

I had to LOL a little when I read that… and Sheldon from Big Bang Theory came to mind (not sure if you watch that show). I think 10 years of eating chicken every Friday is a lot of chicken! I'm Catholic and eating fish every Friday during Lent becomes too excessive for me! Haha. I hope you find something else that will satisfy your taste buds

Ok, I have to ask … is getting annoyed easily (with things, people, etc) a common thing too? Do you feel bad after being impulsive, like throwing away an expensive ceiling fan?

Yes, I've seen the big bang theory a few times

I'm constantly getting annoyed with people and things. But I've learned not to project it outward, so most of time, you wouldn't know. I don't look at it as a an anger issue, it's really just not being able to take any more stimulus. There is no more room left to process the data and you crash. And you learn to "deal" with some of the frustrations by "ignoring" them, which usually means I'll have to work at understanding it later, and other times, you can't, so it must go. And sometimes I just go.

Back in 1999, I was having a very hard time with school, and family didn't make things any better, so I applied at a college in Alaska and left Florida. It was easier for me to leave.

 

[adamindeltona]

I think I have an understanding, if I replace the emotions I feel from others with the mental energy spent on trying to constantly understand them and their emotions (even after they've left), yes… I could see how that would be more exhausting… and the "silence" would not really be silence because my mind would still be working through it all. DRAINING.

Yup

Even more so than that, after the people have left, start running your actions and conversation in an instant replay, while calculating every response to any eventuality of the conversation. And with every question asked, did I look at their eyes enough, did I blink enough, was the tone of my voice correct, did I come across as too mean, did they like me or were they pretending, will they be a friend, did I answer their questions correctly, did I know enough about the subject matter, I better learn more for next time so it appears I'm interested even when I'm not, and also processing the physical around me, every person who walked by, how the wind blew, will it be cooler tomorrow outside, what is that squeaking, my clothes don't feel right today...... it's never-ending.

Oh, as to your previous question, have I felt bad afterwards after being what comes across as impulsive? Not really, it's not an ethical issue for me. I have my morals and my faith and they are rules which are not broken. I use reason and logic to process everything around me, then if it or me needs to go, so be it. It is what it is.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Taking back something you let go or catastrophizing or both?

Both.

 

[adamindeltona]

Yup

Even more so than that, after the people have left, start running your actions and conversation in an instant replay, while calculating every response to any eventuality of the conversation. And with every question asked, did I look at their eyes enough, did I blink enough, was the tone of my voice correct, did I come across as too mean, did they like me or were they pretending, will they be a friend, did I answer their questions correctly, did I know enough about the subject matter, I better learn more for next time so it appears I'm interested even when I'm not, and also processing the physical around me, every person who walked by, how the wind blew, will it be cooler tomorrow outside, what is that squeaking, my clothes don't feel right today...... it's never-ending.

Oh, and I forgot to say I'm doing this during the conversation too, so I'm processing the actual conversation and every possible outcome I can so I am prepared to answer as "normal" as I can.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think I am logical, most of my friends say I am and I am not a risk taker. I like to think things out before I make a decision -- especially a decision that will make a big impact on me or someone else. But I am also very empathetic, I can often "feel" people and know what they are feeling just by looking at them or being around them. Its almost like I can feel their vibe or aura and that can be exhausting too! Imagine feeling everyone's emotions as well as your own all day long, it can be very exhausting at the end of the day! Today while I was in the mall, I actually tried to imagine that I didn't know people were thinking or feeling and imagined that I can only know what I FELT. I can imagine how it would be difficult to interact and UNDERSTAND people

I'm kind of the same way. I can sometimes sense what people are feeling (pretty much all the time if it's someone I know well). But if it's the feelings that they have in regards to me, I'm often at a loss about what I did to cause such feelings.
Some Aspies are actually quite intuitive at sensing atmospheres (which is something that includes feelings) as has been pointed out by Dr Atwood. I think, though, this is something that varies among Aspies. Just as one person with ASD can be extra sensitive to a physical stimuli, and another person with ASD can be extra insensitive to that same stimuli.
The one thing that seems common to Aspies, is that for use things are very "extreme". (I put the word extreme in quotation marks to emphasize that I'm not attaching a negative or positve connotation to the word. The word "extreme" is often used as if it denotes something bad, but I don't mean that at all). We can be intensely sensitive to something or intensely insensitive to the exact same type of thing.
As I said, I often sense people's emotions, but I don't necessarily understand the reasons for them.

 

[adamindeltona]

I'm kind of the same way. I can sometimes sense what people are feeling (pretty much all the time if it's someone I know well). But if it's the feelings that they have in regards to me, I'm often at a loss about what I did to cause such feelings.
Some Aspies are actually quite intuitive at sensing atmospheres (which is something that includes feelings) as has been pointed out by Dr Atwood. I think, though, this is something that varies among Aspies. Just as one person with ASD can be extra sensitive to a physical stimuli, and another person with ASD can be extra insensitive to that same stimuli.
The one thing that seems common to Aspies, is that for use things are very "extreme". (I put the word extreme in quotation marks to emphasize that I'm not attaching a negative or positve connotation to the word. The word "extreme" is often used as if it denotes something bad, but I don't mean that at all). We can be intensely sensitive to something or intensely insensitive to the exact same type of thing.
As I said, I often sense people's emotions, but I don't necessarily understand the reasons for them.

So very true, we are all so different, but "extreme" does seem to be the common thing.

 

[Plumeria]

I'm kind of the same way. I can sometimes sense what people are feeling (pretty much all the time if it's someone I know well). But if it's the feelings that they have in regards to me, I'm often at a loss about what I did to cause such feelings.
Some Aspies are actually quite intuitive at sensing atmospheres (which is something that includes feelings) as has been pointed out by Dr Atwood. I think, though, this is something that varies among Aspies. Just as one person with ASD can be extra sensitive to a physical stimuli, and another person with ASD can be extra insensitive to that same stimuli.
The one thing that seems common to Aspies, is that for use things are very "extreme". (I put the word extreme in quotation marks to emphasize that I'm not attaching a negative or positve connotation to the word. The word "extreme" is often used as if it denotes something bad, but I don't mean that at all). We can be intensely sensitive to something or intensely insensitive to the exact same type of thing.
As I said, I often sense people's emotions, but I don't necessarily understand the reasons for them.

Thanks for sharing Ste11aeres, good to know. I've read a few books that describe it as being similar to a volume switch except that the switch is broken and there are only two choices: MUTE or MAX VOLUME.

 

[Kapwned]

I don't think I've done that, mostly because I have a logical argument as to why I did what I did. Just because someone else might not see or understand the reasons and think that I'm catastrophizing doesn't mean I am.

Do I want to go back again is a difficult question. In the case of my divorce, I will always love my ex-wife, and I wish I could go back and live only in those happy days, but I also understand logically that it's not possible and she needs something in life different than what I can provide.

You also need to remember that NT's attach to emotions differently than aspies, and I believe that's why to you, it would seem like your guy was "catastrophizing"

Don't forget we also process information very differently that you. We have no way to filter out information to focus on the one eventuality you perceive as the one needing attention.

My mom recently asked me about this and the only to describe it is like this:

We MUST process everything, from every little thing that happens in our day including every eventuality caused by any decisions, to every stimuli bombarding us from the natural world. I don't just see a lawn, I see & "feel" every blade of grass. I might not even touch the grass and my brain is processing how every blade would feel and smell as if I was.

Don't forget most aspies have very high IQ's, including myself. This doesn't mean we are geniuses, we just have the capacity to process large amounts of data simultaneously and we do, every second of every day, which is why usually we are always exhausted.

I want to inquire on this a little bit if you don't mind. I am trying to come to terms and understand my exes chain of thought and behavior from our own break up (I'm NT, he's AS).

You say that you divorced your ex wife because your wife needs something you cannot provide her. These are the same exact kind of words my ex used on me when he broke up with me. He told me I was needy-er than he could provide and that I needed to find someone who could give me what I wanted. I felt this was unfair yet I knew I couldn't fight it. He had made up his mind and I guess that also frustrated me because I wish he had talked to me before making up his mind and coming to such a conclusion. I understand Aspies will never make a decision unless it makes absolute irrefutable sense to them, Aspies are brilliant and logical people and that is a great strength but you aren't mind readers and we are all well aware Aspies aren't the best at reading people. Only I truly know what I need and want and for him to tell me that he couldn't give me what I wanted or needed really frustrated me. There is no way he could know for sure unless I told him. And once I've told him he has to take my word. And I'm not one of those girls who will beat around the bush and fish for whatever it is that I want.

He was what I wanted, he is still what I want, and I didn't want a lot from him. Not more than he could have given me. He spoiled me in the beginning of our relationship, got to a point where he couldn't keep up with the amount of romance and affection he'd given me in the beginning, and assumed that I wouldn't settle for any less now. He eventually got the impression that I was needy and demanding when really I was just concerned and trying to adjust.

And funny enough even post break up he is still giving me exactly what I wanted (minus affection and a mutual agreement to an exclusive relationship). We've been broken up for 3 weeks and he is actually acting rather eager to talk to me and to spend time with me. Before our break up he had claimed that I demanded more time than he could give me, yet here he is giving it to me willingly and without any issues. I even wake up to a spam of texts from him because he thinks I'm not responding to him but actually I was still in bed asleep.

I talked to a counselor about it, a counselor who specializes in AS, Autism, and anxiety. She told me she felt that through a chain of events (she had me relay the whole course of our relationship) he may have psyched himself out and got the impression that I was being demanding and needy which caused him to distance from me because he felt pressured to give into these false needs and demands. And by breaking up with me he was giving us both what we wanted. He was relieving himself of the so called pressure and standards I had put on him, and I was able to go find a guy who could give me what I supposedly wanted. But again, he didn't cease or back off an inch and he's pretty much pacified himself because we removed the label of girlfriend and boyfriend and is still unknowingly doing the same things we did when we were dating and he's giving me exactly what I want.

She told me she thinks it's worth a shot to ask him to give it another shot. But at the same time I feel like in his head he will have this whole analysis and prediction of what things will be like if we were to start dating again and that things would probably just go downhill even though all I want is what we have right now, and nothing really has to change, I just want the security and comfort of being exclusive.

I just wanted your thoughts on this.

 

[adamindeltona]

I want to inquire on this a little bit if you don't mind. I am trying to come to terms and understand my exes chain of thought and behavior from our own break up (I'm NT, he's AS).

You say that you divorced your ex wife because your wife needs something you cannot provide her. These are the same exact kind of words my ex used on me when he broke up with me. He told me I was needy-er than he could provide and that I needed to find someone who could give me what I wanted.

We might be dealing with two different types of situations here. It's very important to remember that every aspie is different. My ex wasn't too "needy" and I don't remember feeling overwhelmed with her "requirements" in the relationship. Over the years for different reasons discussed earlier, she was no longer happy with the marriage. I could see this, and because of my love and respect for her, I initiated the divorce. I would rather be unhappy forever knowing that she is happy.

I felt this was unfair yet I knew I couldn't fight it. He had made up his mind and I guess that also frustrated me because I wish he had talked to me before making up his mind and coming to such a conclusion. I understand Aspies will never make a decision unless it makes absolute irrefutable sense to them, Aspies are brilliant and logical people and that is a great strength but you aren't mind readers and we are all well aware Aspies aren't the best at reading people. Only I truly know what I need and want and for him to tell me that he couldn't give me what I wanted or needed really frustrated me. There is no way he could know for sure unless I told him. And once I've told him he has to take my word. And I'm not one of those girls who will beat around the bush and fish for whatever it is that I want.

I am the type that would and did ask. How can I fix this? My decision wasn't made without a lot of thought and contemplation. And yes, when we process a big decision, we don't tend to ask others and so it appears we "just" came up with a decision.

You are correct, we are terrible at reading people I have only come to the skills I have from an obsession with human behavior for the last 15 years, and I still get it wrong, a lot! A lot of the aspies I've met are even worse at reading people. If after thinking it through to a conclusion, and if we feel we no longer have anything to offer the partner, we usually dissolve the relationship fast and remove ourselves from it. Life is stressful enough for us, and the stress of not being what we perceive our partner needs is just to much to bear. We have to get away from the situation. And like I said, if we need to miserable so you can be happy, so be it. We are used to being unhappy.

One thing I should mention. Most aspies have very high IQ's, me included. We have the ability to "record" & "store" huge amounts of data. We are not as brilliant as you might think, and we make lots of stupid mistakes. Our "superpowers" just let us process this huge amount of data very fast. Example; If you and I are texting about butterflies, because I can process so fast, while we are texting, I have four other websites open and I'm learning everything I can about butterflies so I have subject matter to discuss with you & I want you to feel like I'm interested in what you are saying even when I might not be. Because of my ability to do this, it gives the appearance of brilliance and knowledge about a subject that is way more in depth than most people. And if you ask about one of our interests, that's even better, no research is needed, I already have that data stored.

He was what I wanted, he is still what I want, and I didn't want a lot from him. Not more than he could have given me. He spoiled me in the beginning of our relationship, got to a point where he couldn't keep up with the amount of romance and affection he'd given me in the beginning, and assumed that I wouldn't settle for any less now. He eventually got the impression that I was needy and demanding when really I was just concerned and trying to adjust.

Like I said, when you strip away our superpowers, we are pretty stupid ;-) I did that too in my marriage, It took a tremendous amount of energy & "research" to be "romantic" in the beginning and it wasn't something I could keep up. And you do feel like you are not good enough, because the reason you were trying so hard to begin with is because your partner is worth it and you want to give them everything to make them happy.

Unfortunately, once our low self-worth kicks in with an amount of depression over our failure, whether it's a real or perceived failure. It is very hard to talk us back from making what we think is the better and noble decision.

And funny enough even post break up he is still giving me exactly what I wanted (minus affection and a mutual agreement to an exclusive relationship). We've been broken up for 3 weeks and he is actually acting rather eager to talk to me and to spend time with me. Before our break up he had claimed that I demanded more time than he could give me, yet here he is giving it to me willingly and without any issues. I even wake up to a spam of texts from him because he thinks I'm not responding to him but actually I was still in bed asleep.

Some aspies I've read about, when they walked away, they cut very clean and stay away completely. Me? Even though I knew my ex was happier being apart, & so the divorce was a good thing, but I desperately wanted to be friends. I needed a part of her in my life, even if it wasn't everything I wanted, I would take friendship, which really is the largest beneficial component of a relationship to an aspie. When she didn't respond in kind, I was crushed. She needed to be completely done with me.

I talked to a counselor about it, a counselor who specializes in AS, Autism, and anxiety. She told me she felt that through a chain of events (she had me relay the whole course of our relationship) he may have psyched himself out and got the impression that I was being demanding and needy which caused him to distance from me because he felt pressured to give into these false needs and demands. And by breaking up with me he was giving us both what we wanted. He was relieving himself of the so called pressure and standards I had put on him, and I was able to go find a guy who could give me what I supposedly wanted. But again, he didn't cease or back off an inch and he's pretty much pacified himself because we removed the label of girlfriend and boyfriend and is still unknowingly doing the same things we did when we were dating and he's giving me exactly what I want.

There is a lot of stress built up around labels, and being boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife puts a lot of stress on us always trying to know what to do for our partner. It does sound like the pressure got to him.

She told me she thinks it's worth a shot to ask him to give it another shot. But at the same time I feel like in his head he will have this whole analysis and prediction of what things will be like if we were to start dating again and that things would probably just go downhill even though all I want is what we have right now, and nothing really has to change, I just want the security and comfort of being exclusive.

This counselor sounds spot on. The only thing I would add, is you need to tell him these things exactly as if you were typing them here. Lay it out very logically and tell him to listen to your words, "I don't require anything more from you, you are a very good friend. I want to stay friends but I would like to consider you as my boyfriend, because I want to be in an exclusive relationship. I want the security and comfort of being exclusive."

Something like that, it needs to be direct, but also letting him know you think he does a great job, and you don't require anything else from him. All you want is just him, he doesn't have to pretend to be like everyone else.

 

[Kapwned]

You say that you divorced your ex wife because your wife needs something you cannot provide her. These are the same exact kind of words my ex used on me when he broke up with me. He told me I was needy-er than he could provide and that I needed to find someone who could give me what I wanted.

We might be dealing with two different types of situations here. It's very important to remember that every aspie is different. My ex wasn't too "needy" and I don't remember feeling overwhelmed with her "requirements" in the relationship. Over the years for different reasons discussed earlier, she was no longer happy with the marriage. I could see this, and because of my love and respect for her, I initiated the divorce. I would rather be unhappy forever knowing that she is happy.

I felt this was unfair yet I knew I couldn't fight it. He had made up his mind and I guess that also frustrated me because I wish he had talked to me before making up his mind and coming to such a conclusion. I understand Aspies will never make a decision unless it makes absolute irrefutable sense to them, Aspies are brilliant and logical people and that is a great strength but you aren't mind readers and we are all well aware Aspies aren't the best at reading people. Only I truly know what I need and want and for him to tell me that he couldn't give me what I wanted or needed really frustrated me. There is no way he could know for sure unless I told him. And once I've told him he has to take my word. And I'm not one of those girls who will beat around the bush and fish for whatever it is that I want.

I am the type that would and did ask. How can I fix this? My decision wasn't made without a lot of thought and contemplation. And yes, when we process a big decision, we don't tend to ask others and so it appears we "just" came up with a decision.

You are correct, we are terrible at reading people I have only come to the skills I have from an obsession with human behavior for the last 15 years, and I still get it wrong, a lot! A lot of the aspies I've met are even worse at reading people. If after thinking it through to a conclusion, and if we feel we no longer have anything to offer the partner, we usually dissolve the relationship fast and remove ourselves from it. Life is stressful enough for us, and the stress of not being what we perceive our partner needs is just to much to bear. We have to get away from the situation. And like I said, if we need to miserable so you can be happy, so be it. We are used to being unhappy.

One thing I should mention. Most aspies have very high IQ's, me included. We have the ability to "record" & "store" huge amounts of data. We are not as brilliant as you might think, and we make lots of stupid mistakes. Our "superpowers" just let us process this huge amount of data very fast. Example; If you and I are texting about butterflies, because I can process so fast, while we are texting, I have four other websites open and I'm learning everything I can about butterflies so I have subject matter to discuss with you & I want you to feel like I'm interested in what you are saying even when I might not be. Because of my ability to do this, it gives the appearance of brilliance and knowledge about a subject that is way more in depth than most people. And if you ask about one of our interests, that's even better, no research is needed, I already have that data stored.

He was what I wanted, he is still what I want, and I didn't want a lot from him. Not more than he could have given me. He spoiled me in the beginning of our relationship, got to a point where he couldn't keep up with the amount of romance and affection he'd given me in the beginning, and assumed that I wouldn't settle for any less now. He eventually got the impression that I was needy and demanding when really I was just concerned and trying to adjust.

Like I said, when you strip away our superpowers, we are pretty stupid ;-) I did that too in my marriage, It took a tremendous amount of energy & "research" to be "romantic" in the beginning and it wasn't something I could keep up. And you do feel like you are not good enough, because the reason you were trying so hard to begin with is because your partner is worth it and you want to give them everything to make them happy.

Unfortunately, once our low self-worth kicks in with an amount of depression over our failure, whether it's a real or perceived failure. It is very hard to talk us back from making what we think is the better and noble decision.

And funny enough even post break up he is still giving me exactly what I wanted (minus affection and a mutual agreement to an exclusive relationship). We've been broken up for 3 weeks and he is actually acting rather eager to talk to me and to spend time with me. Before our break up he had claimed that I demanded more time than he could give me, yet here he is giving it to me willingly and without any issues. I even wake up to a spam of texts from him because he thinks I'm not responding to him but actually I was still in bed asleep.

Some aspies I've read about, when they walked away, they cut very clean and stay away completely. Me? Even though I knew my ex was happier being apart, & so the divorce was a good thing, but I desperately wanted to be friends. I needed a part of her in my life, even if it wasn't everything I wanted, I would take friendship, which really is the largest beneficial component of a relationship to an aspie. When she didn't respond in kind, I was crushed. She needed to be completely done with me.

I talked to a counselor about it, a counselor who specializes in AS, Autism, and anxiety. She told me she felt that through a chain of events (she had me relay the whole course of our relationship) he may have psyched himself out and got the impression that I was being demanding and needy which caused him to distance from me because he felt pressured to give into these false needs and demands. And by breaking up with me he was giving us both what we wanted. He was relieving himself of the so called pressure and standards I had put on him, and I was able to go find a guy who could give me what I supposedly wanted. But again, he didn't cease or back off an inch and he's pretty much pacified himself because we removed the label of girlfriend and boyfriend and is still unknowingly doing the same things we did when we were dating and he's giving me exactly what I want.

There is a lot of stress built up around labels, and being boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife puts a lot of stress on us always trying to know what to do for our partner. It does sound like the pressure got to him.

She told me she thinks it's worth a shot to ask him to give it another shot. But at the same time I feel like in his head he will have this whole analysis and prediction of what things will be like if we were to start dating again and that things would probably just go downhill even though all I want is what we have right now, and nothing really has to change, I just want the security and comfort of being exclusive.

This counselor sounds spot on. The only thing I would add, is you need to tell him these things exactly as if you were typing them here. Lay it out very logically and tell him to listen to your words, "I don't require anything more from you, you are a very good friend. I want to stay friends but I would like to consider you as my boyfriend, because I want to be in an exclusive relationship. I want the security and comfort of being exclusive."

Something like that, it needs to be direct, but also letting him know you think he does a great job, and you don't require anything else from him. All you want is just him, he doesn't have to pretend to be like everyone else.

Thank you very much for your response. I supposed I just wanted the opinion of someone with AS with what I was planning on doing. Normally with break ups I accept it's over and move on, but with him I feel like maybe there is still a chance if only we can mutually acknowledge and understand we have realistic expectations for relationships.

 

[adamindeltona]

Thank you very much for your response. I supposed I just wanted the opinion of someone with AS with what I was planning on doing. Normally with break ups I accept it's over and move on, but with him I feel like maybe there is still a chance if only we can mutually acknowledge and understand we have realistic expectations for relationships.

Like I said before, we don't tend to attach emotions like a NT would to questions and answers, if you want to try to get him to understand he provides for everything you want in a relationship, then you should tell him, and ask him will he be your friend like he is now but with a label of boyfriend, and that you want to be exclusive.

The worst you could get is a no. And then you know you tried, and can move on. I know it always feels like it's the end of the world, but it really isn't