NT needs advice RE: AS ex boyfriend

[Kapwned]

Like I said before, we don't tend to attach emotions like a NT would to questions and answers, if you want to try to get him to understand he provides for everything you want in a relationship, then you should tell him, and ask him will he be your friend like he is now but with a label of boyfriend, and that you want to be exclusive.

The worst you could get is a no. And then you know you tried, and can move on. I know it always feels like it's the end of the world, but it really isn't

I know, I just also want to respect his space. As of right now I think it's a little too soon. I was going to give it about a month. My main concern was how I'd say it but you've helped me figure out how to word it best. I just didn't want to leave too much open to interpretation but I also didn't want to drone on.

 

[adamindeltona]

I know, I just also want to respect his space. As of right now I think it's a little too soon. I was going to give it about a month. My main concern was how I'd say it but you've helped me figure out how to word it best. I just didn't want to leave too much open to interpretation but I also didn't want to drone on.

Yup, don't leave anything open to interpretation, say exactly what you need. Nice and to the point

 

[Plumeria]

Like I said before, we don't tend to attach emotions like a NT would to questions and answers

I wish I could do the same because …

I know it always feels like it's the end of the world, but it really isn't

it does FEEL like the end of the world

 

[May Black]

I wish I could do the same because …

it does FEEL like the end of the world

I know this might not make much sense to you, but something you may want to learn before attempting a relationship with an Aspie is to be just as happy without him as you are with him. You will always remain two individuals that enjoy each other rather than a unit.

 

[Plumeria]

I know this might not make much sense to you, but something you may want to learn before attempting a relationship with an Aspie is to be just as happy without him as you are with him. You will always remain two individuals that enjoy each other rather than a unit.

It does make sense to me May and I appreciate your help. I was happy in my life "without him while I was with him." I did my own thing when we were not together and I didn't push him to spend time with me, ever. I respected his space and alone time. Just knowing that I would see him again in a few days made me excited and I always had butterflies in my stomach when I did see him again. Then all of a sudden, he broke up with me leaving me confused and heartbroken. That is what I am suffering from now. My heart is broken. I did not want to break up, yet I had no choice. I came to this forum to try and understand WHY he may have reacted the way he did and everyone was helpful. It gave me peace of mind and I am thankful for this site. Still, I am mourning the loss of someone I love -- what I am feeling is normal -- and I need time to accept it and heal.

Just so you know, I am still living my life since the break up (6 weeks ago). I have taken a vacation and went to Bali for a week. I took one week off from work and did some important things around the house. I got a new car and sold my old car. I've taken care of myself and gone to the gym or walked around the neighborhood every night. I've gotten a lot of work done at the office. I've gone to dinner every week with friends and I've been to 4 parties… but even when I did all these things, he was with me. Just like the movie Forrest Gump, Jenny told Forrest she wished she had been with him in all the adventures he experienced and he replied "but you were." So you see, my life has not stopped, it just feels empty knowing he is no longer part of it. Right now it seems like I am going through the motions as a shadow of myself... my happiness is there but not as strong as it was because I miss him every single day.

I know that this is probably not the best place to get emotional support for my broken heart but that is not what I'm here for. So when I say, I wish that I can detach my emotions and just look at things logically, I mean just that. I wish I didn't FEEL this way.

 

[May Black]

Its not precisely what I meant, but I'm headed to work now. I'll get back to you and try to ealaborate.

 

[May Black]

I do understand you hurt more than you think.

 

[adamindeltona]

We all hurt and mourn, just in our own way. This is a great place I think to get emotional support. The folks here understand better than most people, and I think it's helpful to approach hurt from a logical understanding of the issue.

Trying to understand the "why" and being able to discuss these types of things without judgement can go a long way to healing.

 

[Plumeria]

We all hurt and morn, just in our own way. This is a great place I think to get emotional support. The folks here understand better than most people, and I think it's helpful to approach hurt from a logical understanding of the issue.

Trying to understand the "why" and being able to discuss these types of things without judgement can go a long way to healing.

Thanks Adam, you always have a logical and helpful way of looking at things This site has really helped me take the first steps to healing.

 

[Ste11aeres]

We all hurt and morn, just in our own way. This is a great place I think to get emotional support. The folks here understand better than most people, and I think it's helpful to approach hurt from a logical understanding of the issue.

Trying to understand the "why" and being able to discuss these types of things without judgement can go a long way to healing.

We have our own way of giving support. Giving advice often is the way we offer support.
Big Hugs

 

[Plumeria]

We have our own way of giving support. Giving advice often is the way we offer support.
Big Hugs

Thank you, xo

 

[Plumeria]

I saw this online and it describes something I've always tried to do:

Detach and revel in your independence again.

Attempting to fill the void yourself — without rushing to a new relationship or trying desperately to win your lover back — is essentially what detaching is all about. The Buddha taught that attachment that leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. In his book, Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds, Victor M. Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:

“Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?” The Great Monk replied: “Who tied you up?” This old gardener answered: “Nobody tied me up.” The Great Monk said: “Then why do you seek liberation?”

One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m immersed in grief and sadness is this: I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy. When I’m experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust that I can be whole without that person in my life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I can do it… creatively, and with the help of my higher power.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

We all hurt and mourn, just in our own way. This is a great place I think to get emotional support. The folks here understand better than most people, and I think it's helpful to approach hurt from a logical understanding of the issue.

Trying to understand the "why" and being able to discuss these types of things without judgement can go a long way to healing.

It does make sense to me May and I appreciate your help. I was happy in my life "without him while I was with him." I did my own thing when we were not together and I didn't push him to spend time with me, ever. I respected his space and alone time. Just knowing that I would see him again in a few days made me excited and I always had butterflies in my stomach when I did see him again. Then all of a sudden, he broke up with me leaving me confused and heartbroken. That is what I am suffering from now. My heart is broken. I did not want to break up, yet I had no choice. I came to this forum to try and understand WHY he may have reacted the way he did and everyone was helpful. It gave me peace of mind and I am thankful for this site. Still, I am mourning the loss of someone I love -- what I am feeling is normal -- and I need time to accept it and heal.

Just so you know, I am still living my life since the break up (6 weeks ago). I have taken a vacation and went to Bali for a week. I took one week off from work and did some important things around the house. I got a new car and sold my old car. I've taken care of myself and gone to the gym or walked around the neighborhood every night. I've gotten a lot of work done at the office. I've gone to dinner every week with friends and I've been to 4 parties… but even when I did all these things, he was with me. Just like the movie Forrest Gump, Jenny told Forrest she wished she had been with him in all the adventures he experienced and he replied "but you were." So you see, my life has not stopped, it just feels empty knowing he is no longer part of it. Right now it seems like I am going through the motions as a shadow of myself... my happiness is there but not as strong as it was because I miss him every single day.

I know that this is probably not the best place to get emotional support for my broken heart but that is not what I'm here for. So when I say, I wish that I can detach my emotions and just look at things logically, I mean just that. I wish I didn't FEEL this way.

Plumeria, I understand totally. What you said makes me want to cry. Feelings aren't logical. It's times like these that empathy comes into play - it helps to know that others understand how you are feeling and that you aren't alone.

 

[Plumeria]

Plumeria, I understand totally. What you said makes me want to cry. Feelings aren't logical. It's times like these that empathy comes into play - it helps to know that others understand how you are feeling and that you aren't alone.

Thank you nurseangela, it helps very much!

 

[May Black]

Here is a bit of an explanation of how I see things

When you're two NT in a relationship, after a while as things proceed, you'll start discussing common goals and start working towards them. It's part of what being in a relationship is about. You will both consciously work to create a unity of a family. You adjust to each other and the circumstances. You can still be two individuals with different friends and hobbies, but your lives will be more and more tied together as the relationship grows stronger.

With an Aspie partner, this is not necessarily a thing that will happen. You might remain two individuals that live together in the same house for as long as both of you find it enjoyable. You could have exactly the same hobbies, share the same friends, if you get to a point where your goals in life no longer are the same, your paths might part. You might never experience partnership the way you probably expect it to be, and might need it to be.

I'm really not sure if it's any clearer.

 

[Plumeria]

Here is a bit of an explanation of how I see things

When you're two NT in a relationship, after a while as things proceed, you'll start discussing common goals and start working towards them. It's part of what being in a relationship is about. You will both consciously work to create a unity of a family. You adjust to each other and the circumstances. You can still be two individuals with different friends and hobbies, but your lives will be more and more tied together as the relationship grows stronger.

With an Aspie partner, this is not necessarily a thing that will happen. You might remain two individuals that live together in the same house for as long as both of you find it enjoyable. You could have exactly the same hobbies, share the same friends, if you get to a point where your goals in life no longer are the same, your paths might part. You might never experience partnership the way you probably expect it to be, and might need it to be.

I'm really not sure if it's any clearer.

Thanks May, yes that is clear and what you wrote was discussed in most of the AS relationship books I've read. I don't even know how to respond because of course, I want someone I can grow old with… someone that will be by my side no matter what. I want to know that my partner will not just leave me when times get tough, and even when times are good.

I'm coming to peace with our break up and have decided not to reach out. I want him to be happy and I respect the decision he's made. I am looking at our year together as a blessing because a lot of positive things came out of it for both of us. Even if I am sad now, I am beginning to change my perception and think that I am in a time of transition and something good will come along... I had to remind myself that only I can make myself happy and nothing outside of myself will do that… and that's what I'm focusing on.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Thanks May, yes that is clear and what you wrote was discussed in most of the AS relationship books I've read. I don't even know how to respond because of course, I want someone I can grow old with… someone that will be by my side no matter what. I want to know that my partner will not just leave me when times get tough, and even when times are good.

I'm coming to peace with our break up and have decided not to reach out. I want him to be happy and I respect the decision he's made. I am looking at our year together as a blessing because a lot of positive things came out of it for both of us. Even if I am sad now, I am beginning to change my perception and think that I am in a time of transition and something good will come along... I had to remind myself that only I can make myself happy and nothing outside of myself will do that… and that's what I'm focusing on.

It still is perfectly possible that an Aspie can be that person you grow old with, that an Aspie can be that person who will be by your side no matter what. And there is no guarantee that just because someone is NT, that that person will be those things. Most NT/NT relationships in our society are not lifelong; but a few are. The exact same thing goes for most NT/AS relationships, and most AS/AS relationships. Some will be lifelong and loyal; many won't, and a person's neurological state is not a guarantee of which of the two it will be.

 

[Plumeria]

It still is perfectly possible that an Aspie can be that person you grow old with, that an Aspie can be that person who will be by your side no matter what. And there is no guarantee that just because someone is NT, that that person will be those things. Most NT/NT relationships in our society are not lifelong; but a few are. The exact same thing goes for most NT/AS relationships, and most AS/AS relationships. Some will be lifelong and loyal; many won't, and a person's neurological state is not a guarantee of which of the two it will be.

Yes, you make some really good points Ste11aeres, there is no guarantee with any relationship. In the case of my ex, he felt that he needed to break up with me (whatever his reasons may be) and I have decided to accept it. For weeks I've gone back and forth about reaching out but in the end, I want someone who wants to be with me and makes an effort to do so. For someone to walk away (NT or AS) means, to me, that they don't want to stay.

 

[Plumeria]

UPDATE: His mom emailed me last night. She emailed because she is a real estate agent and needed me to email her a flyer that I created for her back in July. She told me that she was very sorry to hear that her son and I are no longer together and that the family loved me. She said I am very kind and thanked me for helping her son with his endeavors. Then she said to surrender my life to Jesus (she's religious) and He will direct my path and will let me meet my real partner in HIS time. I know that she was trying to be comforting but to me it implied that her son is not, and never will be, my real partner. I'm probably looking into it too much. Anyway, I was feeling much better the past few days, doing my own thing and this email just opened up my wounds again, I couldn't sleep well last night.

I replied to her email and thanked her for the kind words and said that I really loved her family too and I wish them the best. I told her that I was happy to help her son and that I always knew he could accomplish anything he set his mind to. I told her we haven't spoken but I do miss him and I hope he is doing well.

That's all.

 

[May Black]

I really don't understand why she'd want to contact you after you guys broke up, I'm sorry, it must have been really painful for you. My own mother gets very attached to both mine and my brother's partners and has this odd habit of wanting to keep in touch with them even after we broke up. I find it really hurtful.

I'm glad you're finding ways how to make yourself happy on your own, don't let her ruin it for you.