Ok, I'm going t ask this question, but very reluctant.

[Neonatal RRT]

I do not believe most people on the spectrum would behave like this person if they were actually interested. We might come accross as different but would not demonstrate interest by a complete lack of it.

Maybe it's an unusual case of autism or maybe it's other things or both. But something to consider is if this is how he treats you now, it is not very likely to change. WYSIWYG.

We don't know the history. We've both read plenty of these posts from our brothers on this forum from their perspective and most either don't know how to initiate, if they do initiate they don't know to maintain the relationship with communication, some are not sure of their role, some have defeatist attitudes, some have been rejected time and time again, some have given up. Part of the issue is a general sense of "cluelessness" when it comes to reading all the "signals" a woman is sending. Part of it is the woman expecting the man to pursue and take the lead, which many don't know how to do. Some just fail at dating because of social and communication difficulties. A lot of variables at play here.

 

[mylife2023]

We’ve only been on two dates. I am a very patient person. He says he’s not opposed if it turns into something and he said he will let me know if it ISN'T working.

I’m gonna wait this out and see what happens.

 

[Tom]

You are right, that we don't know the history, or what is going on in the mind of the guy. We just have what has been written from one perspective. So what we say can have a lot of guesswork. I think the basis of my thoughts is as a fellow neurodivergent if I acted his way it would mean such and such. Added to that is his statement that he does not want a relationship (if I remember correctly). I usually take such statements at face value - its hard for me to see how someone could say something they do not mean - even knowing that is the case often. Probably aspie black and white thinking on my part.

None of us are shrinks, or therapists (that I am aware of) and what we can offer is limited. Hopefully out of the spread of opinions the OP gains something useful, but it's not assured.

We don't know the history. We've both read plenty of these posts from our brothers on this forum from their perspective and most either don't know how to initiate, if they do initiate they don't know to maintain the relationship with communication, some are not sure of their role, some have defeatist attitudes, some have been rejected time and time again, some have given up. Part of the issue is a general sense of "cluelessness" when it comes to reading all the "signals" a woman is sending. Part of it is the woman expecting the man to pursue and take the lead, which many don't know how to do. Some just fail at dating because of social and communication difficulties. A lot of variables at play here.

 

[mylife2023]

Like it or not, you're going to take the lead in the relationship. I can be warm, loving, caring, give her the lifestyle she wants, show her affection, support her, respect her, etc. However, when it comes to initiation, of things like intimacy, or even when we were dating, she had to initiate, because I couldn't read her, didn't want to overstep, and would wait for her communication that she was wanting something. I know some women want a man to lead, even take some control, but those skills, if done right, requires quite a bit of communication complexity and nuance that I don't have. I don't suspect many Aspie men would have. We are always waiting for the "green light" and sometimes it also requires a "honk on the horn" to get us to move, if you catch my analogy there.

Very well put. Thank you. I do feel better after everyone’s input. Sometimes I just need reminding that this is not society’s norm.

 

[AspieChris]

I would say that taking financial advice from somebody who has filed for bankruptcy several times is a mistake. Likewise, relationship advice from people who are great at starting relationships means that they don’t understand how to start a truly meaningful relationship that will last forever. If your goal is a one night stand with a NT guy, then your friends are giving great advice. It sounds like your hoping for something deep and meaningful from this guy, so start there.

Is he capable of meeting your needs as a partner? Love, respect, intimacy, etc. Men on the spectrum usually struggle with aspects of relationships that most people take for granted. I was married for 10 years before I finally found out I’m on the spectrum. My wife is a saint and she has stood by my side through everything, but it was 10 years of anger and frustration for her. Every day since my diagnosis has been exhausting for her. It’s a lot to ask of a NT woman and maybe it would be more than you’re ready for.

As others have posted….. we respond best to direct questions. We are very truthful (usually) and we suck at games. Most of us will shut down if interrogated, even through a text. So you really only have two solid options: Let it go and move on, or go find him and calmly ask what he wants.

I have tremendous guilt about putting my wife through my problems. It could be as simple as him liking you so much that he feels like it would be unfair to pursue a relationship with you. But you will never know if you don’t ask. And waiting for him is already not working.Regardless of how you choose to proceed, just remember that if it feels like you’re playing a game to inspire any response from him(even though you have the best of intentions) you will likely fail. And when the games turn into frustration for you, any hope you may have of starting a long-term relationship with him is guaranteed to disintegrate. Somehow we actually get PTSD from stressful encounters and I’m guessing you wouldn’t want him to associate your face with any kind of trauma.

 

[mylife2023]

No I wouldn’t want that. I simply want a chance to ask these questions face to face and to let him know that I believe I could care deeply for him but need a chance to show him what care and love from me, looks like.

 

[GypsyMoth]

I agree. I have friends that swear it works in their relationships but they’re constantly in relationships. I just wanna be what I need to be for this man and not lose my self in the process. Does that make sense? I’m willing to wait it out i have just never had such a hard time. I’ve never been the pursuer. It wreaks havoc in my own insecurities.

Woah, honey, just be yourself! I can almost guarantee he’s not interested in someone who becomes something they’re not to fulfill an image you have of him he might not even hold of himself. You can certainly ask him, directly, if he prefers this or that, but don’t go around setting up for yourself an image of the man that isn’t the truth. It’s dishonest.

Just think of Shakespeare, “to thy own self be true.” If you can’t be that, then who else can you be?

 

[Kayla55]

My best friend back in college was very respectful, she used to hint, apologise for eating all mums cookies, but at time I was unresponsive because I was young and confused, I wish now so much that I'd reciprocated and I still try find her on Facebook but may be maiden name. Point is she got through to me because she was patient, kind and respectful in way she may not have realised she was such a guide to my then uncommunicative soul. I'm older and I've learnt better to respond and to at last say what I never could. So I'm not promoting idea he isn't hot for you, sounds like great kiss and may miss him.
Correct me if I'm wrong but aspie girls love for crumbs and doesn't mean you don't need confirmation of love, need it more. So if you can bring this out in him it's great but sadly I know I took too long. I may have being loved but I missed many social suggestions and felt I didn't feel appreciated and only later did I get whole social thing.

 

[AspieChris]

No I wouldn’t want that. I simply want a chance to ask these questions face to face and to let him know that I believe I could care deeply for him but need a chance to show him what care and love from me, looks like.

It sounds like you have your answer. Go and ask him face to face. Arranging that meeting may be difficult if he’s nervous. Perhaps you could invite him somewhere peaceful, such as the zoo or a public park (definitely avoid any place that is crowded or noisy). As long as it doesn’t feel like an ambush to him it should go well, even if he doesn’t want the same as you.

Just remember that Asperger’s means we suck at reading social nuances except for the negative ones. Even small amounts of anger or frustration from you might be interpreted as a soul-crushing assault. If you can find a way in advance to be OK with him saying “no”, you’ll probably increase your chances of him saying “yes”

For the record…. I was always completely terrified of new encounters with women. I definitely missed out on many opportunities simply because I was too afraid of rejection. If a woman like yourself had calmly explained that she knew about my difficulties but didn’t see a problem, I probably would have married her on the spot! Oh wait…. That’s pretty much how I met my wife

 

[mylife2023]

It sounds like you have your answer. Go and ask him face to face. Arranging that meeting may be difficult if he’s nervous. Perhaps you could invite him somewhere peaceful, such as the zoo or a public park (definitely avoid any place that is crowded or noisy). As long as it doesn’t feel like an ambush to him it should go well, even if he doesn’t want the same as you.

Just remember that Asperger’s means we suck at reading social nuances except for the negative ones. Even small amounts of anger or frustration from you might be interpreted as a soul-crushing assault. If you can find a way in advance to be OK with him saying “no”, you’ll probably increase your chances of him saying “yes”

For the record…. I was always completely terrified of new encounters with women. I definitely missed out on many opportunities simply because I was too afraid of rejection. If a woman like yourself had calmly explained that she knew about my difficulties but didn’t see a problem, I probably would have married her on the spot! Oh wait…. That’s pretty much how I met my wife

That’s a sweet love story! My ideal situation is to rent an Airbnb and
cook him dinner and just be direct, have his favorite beer etc. even if he doesn’t want anything more I’d be happy just being in his world and vicinity when he’s not busy. He’s amazing…

 

[mylife2023]

Woah, honey, just be yourself! I can almost guarantee he’s not interested in someone who becomes something they’re not to fulfill an image you have of him he might not even hold of himself. You can certainly ask him, directly, if he prefers this or that, but don’t go around setting up for yourself an image of the man that isn’t the truth. It’s dishonest.

Just think of Shakespeare, “to thy own self be true.” If you can’t be that, then who else can you be?

I knew this might be perceived wrongly. Sorry. I just meant that I want to be that patient, respectful, learning individual who can add to his life not make it more stressful and confusing.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I do not believe most people on the spectrum would behave like this person if they were actually interested. We might come accross as different but would not demonstrate interest by a complete lack of it.

Maybe it's an unusual case of autism or maybe it's other things or both. But something to consider is if this is how he treats you now, it is not very likely to change. WYSIWYG.

I totally agree with this. If I was interested I would make contact and I would definitely ask about them. Why would I not want to learn more?

If I started seeing someone and they never initiated things and didn't ask questions I'd figure they're not interested. That's what they're expressing, intentionally or not. Best case scenario, they have terrible communication skills and aren't very considerate.

 

[mylife2023]

I totally agree with this. If I was interested I would make contact and I would definitely ask about them. Why would I not want to learn more?

If I started seeing someone and they never initiated things and didn't ask questions I'd figure they're not interested. That's what they're expressing, intentionally or not. Best case scenario, they have terrible communication skills and aren't very considerate.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I totally agree with this. If I was interested I would make contact and I would definitely ask about them. Why would I not want to learn more?

If I started seeing someone and they never initiated things and didn't ask questions I'd figure they're not interested. That's what they're expressing, intentionally or not. Best case scenario, they have terrible communication skills and aren't very considerate.

This is something I have noticed varies a lot with people on the spectrum. I am like you and Tom. I send messages, and tend to be the one getting frustrated at other people when they aren't responding. Yes, I have difficulties with being social, but I push through because I don't want to be disrespectful, and if I'm excited about something I don't see the point in holding back.

Two of my autistic friends are similar, and communicating with them and finding time tends to work great. However, I also have a friend who is absolutely terrible at any type of initiation. Every time we meet up we have a great time together, and we really appreciate each other, but she can go for months without responding, and will pretty much never initiate contact. I'm always the one contacting her and it gets really tiring because I don't feel appreciated. However, after a very prolonged period of not talking, we had a conversation about this. She told me that she gets incredibly anxious about sending messages, and because of ADHD, the thought will simply disappear from her head, and then she gets really guilty and awkward about not saying anything which makes contacting me even harder for her. She actually did contact me a few days ago, and that signaled to me that she must really care (not in that way, she has a boyfriend) because she pretty much never does that.

Another person I knew (also with autism) completely ghosted me, but before that, she mentioned (after ghosting me for a few months) that when she is dealing with a lot, she pretty much completely shuts down and can't deal with any communication, and then like the other friend she feels like it's awkward to contact me later.

I guess what I'm saying is that people are very different, and him not initiating contact doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care (though it's a possibility). I agree with you that it isn't very considerate, but there could be some underlying issues causing this reticence of initiation. I think it's for the best if they manage to have an in depth conversation about this.

 

[mylife2023]

Well, he HAS said he’s interested. So, I guess that’s why I keep trying. I am seriously considering asking him if he will Skype me and maybe I can just ask the questions that way. I’m very gun shy now, to ask for another meet up.

 

[paloftoon]

I agree. I have friends that swear it works in their relationships but they’re constantly in relationships. I just wanna be what I need to be for this man and not lose my self in the process. Does that make sense? I’m willing to wait it out i have just never had such a hard time. I’ve never been the pursuer. It wreaks havoc in my own insecurities.

This probably works for people that get too many potential matches and are generally more attractive to a wide range of people. I don't recommend this to someone new to dating or who does not get a lot of matches.

 

[paloftoon]

If you want him to initiate sometimes, you have to ask him to initiate sometimes directly. Give him direct directions to be direct and that will produce good communication and trust. Good communication and trust is important if you want a good quality relationship.

 

[Jonn]

Thoughts?

Is he autistic?

 

[Richelle-H]

There is a deep emotional core in all humans. With those of us that have different neural connections in our brains it is a constant struggle to sort out our feelings. Are we being pushy, are we being insensitive, how do we connect when those feelings arise and we cannot find the mechanisms to express them in an easily interpreted way?

Playing relationship games with someone on the spectrum is the worst thing you could possibly do if you want to develop one. The context is always missing or in a completely different arena than you might suspect or believe.

Forget about the time between interactions. For some of us on the spectrum, time is a distant and unrelatable construct. What seems like a short time to some of us, can be months to others. There are many of us that become fixated on things and time slips into the background. If he stays in contact and those contacts are enjoyable to you and to him, then do not isolate yourself from him.

You will find yourself doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship with him. So you have to have the strength to get past the feelings of being ignored or unimportant. If he has feelings for you, they will be expressed in ways difficult for you to interpret.

There can be a great deal of anxiety in any relationship on either or both sides. Clearing away the rubble that results from that can be a gigantic stumbling block. Open and honest communication may be all on you, but you can penetrate his reticence by being up front with him about your feelings if you are sure that you wish to form a deeper connection. Do not press him too much about his own, in regard to you. The mere fact that he wishes to stay in contact with you is a sign of interest, albeit somewhat reticent.

Just speaking for myself; in my younger days, I was quite manipulative in relationships. It was a defense mechanism because I did not have a firm anchor on my own feelings at the time. Those ranged from consternation to absolute panic.


Anyway, I am particularly bad at placing myself in someone else's shoes, so forgive my reading of your situation if what I have written does not resonate in any helpful manner. I still say; stick with it without being pushy. Getting to the point that he can feel completely comfortable with you, where he drops his personal defenses against emotional trauma, can be a long and confusing trip; so, you have to really want it.

I wish you all the best.

 

[mylife2023]

There is a deep emotional core in all humans. With those of us that have different neural connections in our brains it is a constant struggle to sort out our feelings. Are we being pushy, are we being insensitive, how do we connect when those feelings arise and we cannot find the mechanisms to express them in an easily interpreted way?

Playing relationship games with someone on the spectrum is the worst thing you could possibly do if you want to develop one. The context is always missing or in a completely different arena than you might suspect or believe.

Forget about the time between interactions. For some of us on the spectrum, time is a distant and unrelatable construct. What seems like a short time to some of us, can be months to others. There are many of us that become fixated on things and time slips into the background. If he stays in contact and those contacts are enjoyable to you and to him, then do not isolate yourself from him.

You will find yourself doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship with him. So you have to have the strength to get past the feelings of being ignored or unimportant. If he has feelings for you, they will be expressed in ways difficult for you to interpret.

There can be a great deal of anxiety in any relationship on either or both sides. Clearing away the rubble that results from that can be a gigantic stumbling block. Open and honest communication may be all on you, but you can penetrate his reticence by being up front with him about your feelings if you are sure that you wish to form a deeper connection. Do not press him too much about his own, in regard to you. The mere fact that he wishes to stay in contact with you is a sign of interest, albeit somewhat reticent.

Just speaking for myself; in my younger days, I was quite manipulative in relationships. It was a defense mechanism because I did not have a firm anchor on my own feelings at the time. Those ranged from consternation to absolute panic.


Anyway, I am particularly bad at placing myself in someone else's shoes, so forgive my reading of your situation if what I have written does not resonate in any helpful manner. I still say; stick with it without being pushy. Getting to the point that he can feel completely comfortable with you, where he drops his personal defenses against emotional trauma, can be a long and confusing trip; so, you have to really want it.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you for this. Very very insightful, just as all of you have been. I don’t want to play games. I texted him last night and it was very nice.