Parental Acceptance Struggle with Aspergers

[Ben28]

Ben28,
My parents ignored all the signs when I was growing up, my mother was a teacher and specializes in children with special needs!!! Now understand that she started the specialization after I left home so I kind of (one small side of me) hopes that she recognizes that she missed to see the signs in me when I was a kid so studied and became a professional so it would not happen to others.
But that does not explain why she still denies it to this day... Probably embarrassed or angry that she created (or brought in to this world) something that is not perfect, as all parents hope there children to be.
I hope that you can find your place in this world no matter what your parents want for you or try to push on you. I think if you give them time, they will either accept it or they won't. Either way, it's a part of you wether they like it or not, they will learn to live with it.

Best of luck

Thanks Christophe. That's interesting, my mom got a cat when I left home. It's a shame parents can be like that, and I'll be more accepting if I'm lucky enough to become a parent. I'm now fully invested in pursuing my own path. I hope the same thing for you.

 

[Ben28]

I read Suzi Quatros autobiography and she saw her daughter as a mini version of her, and her son as being a more of a learning experience.

I think you're definitely on to something. I feel that everyone should be a learning experience since everyone is different.

 

[Raven4444]

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago- aged 41- and my Mum won't believe it. It really hurts because she keeps saying she doesn't understand why I can't do things, yet won't accept the explanation or read about autism because she says it's nonsense and overdiagnosed and she would have noticed when I was a child.

 

[Ben28]

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago- aged 41- and my Mum won't believe it. It really hurts because she keeps saying she doesn't understand why I can't do things, yet won't accept the explanation or read about autism because she says it's nonsense and overdiagnosed and she would have noticed when I was a child.

That sounds frustrating Raven4444, especially since you're Mum won't consider an explanation that could make so much sense. Aspergers didn't become a standardized diagnosis until 1994, and even then it didn't spread everywhere. I'm 22 and had interventions with teachers for Autism Spectrum related things, but wasn't diagnosed back then. It's mad that your Mum dismisses the diagnosis without looking into it.

 

[Christophe]

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago- aged 41- and my Mum won't believe it. It really hurts because she keeps saying she doesn't understand why I can't do things, yet won't accept the explanation or read about autism because she says it's nonsense and overdiagnosed and she would have noticed when I was a child.

That's horrible, mine reacted the same way, I know how you feel. I wish I had advice to make you feel better.

 

[I am that which I am]

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago- aged 41- and my Mum won't believe it. It really hurts because she keeps saying she doesn't understand why I can't do things, yet won't accept the explanation or read about autism because she says it's nonsense and overdiagnosed and she would have noticed when I was a child.

Wow is terrible. She seems a bit over confident in her parenting ability.

 

[I am that which I am]

I have had issues with my mother about being diagnosed with anything or not fitting the mold she tried to fit me in. Until a year ago I would hide everything and was considered normal. Then certain events happened which made it obvious I was not. My mother still did not believe any of it and thought it was hogwash at first. Then she said she noticed I was different and had those issues since my early childhood and denied saying it was hogwash. She still treated me in a derogatory fashion for being diagnosed and would always compare me to my father and tell me how much of a failure he is. Then I just started to tell her I was my father's son and she toned down the comparisons. Eventually I had a few lengthy discussions with her about how her reaction and treatment of me and my being diagnosed made me feel. She partially got the point and is much better about it now. So to anyone having issues with this I would suggest having a few emotional one on one talks with said parent. My father, from whom I get the AS and a few other things from, was a different story. He thought I had AS and we could talk openly about the other things.

I also hate how parents push you to embrace their own ambitions in life.

 

[gonzerd]

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago- aged 41- and my Mum won't believe it. It really hurts because she keeps saying she doesn't understand why I can't do things, yet won't accept the explanation or read about autism because she says it's nonsense and overdiagnosed and she would have noticed when I was a child.

Couldn't it have something to do with the old believe that autism was caused by neglect from the mother? Older generations' view of these things are more likely to be tainted by official opinions which are now no longer valid.
I suppose it's also natural for parents to personify with their kids, to see themselves in them. So when the kid turns out to have some "mental illness", it raises a lot of questions and subsequent doubt about themselves. This takes some time to adjust to. Or could explain some irrational denial.

For me, I don't feel family is accepting. The news of the diagnosis raised no questions, and when I talk about it, there's no reaction. (But I hardly get any reaction when I speak, apart from maybe a "what on earth are you talking about crazy person?" after which they turn back to whatever it is they do.) So no. I do suspect my dad to have come to some understanding of it, in his own way. I know he's been going to a psychiatrist, so maybe as he came to a better understanding of himself, he's now more open to understand why I do the things I do the way I do. Best not to fret about it.

 

[ShatteredUniverse]

An excerpt from a post I just made in a thread titled "Empathy":

THANK YOU!!!!

A certain relative of mine is absolutely convinced I couldn't possibly be an Aspie, even though I exhibit many of the signs, because some so-called professional told her that Aspies don't possess the ability to be empathic, and I couldn't possibly be like that, because I've done things that indicated I can be empathic towards people.

(Ironically, this same relative has noted at times that I lacked any emotional response at all at times I "should have".)

. . .

It is so frustrating.

 

[GHA]

Please remember its hard for parents to understand AS... I am a father of a successful son with AS. It took me a while to accept that he had AS. I have spent almost a year on research and reading about AS and can relate to my son better. My advice to parents; please first try to be in their shoes and then support them. They are not broken so don't mend them. Let them pursue careers they are happy and comfortable with. They are highly intelligent and know the type of careers they can be successfully.... Don't try to make them NT's they will never be......

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

My mum was really supportive and understanding. My dad wasn't. But he's gotten better over the years. I wouldn't say that he has a really good understanding, but he has at least made a start. That's all that matters to me.

 

[Axeman52]

Denial is a powerful thing.

Maybe that's the problem with my parents.

They are both in lines of work that make it easy for them to identify autistic traits, and they do identify mine, but instead of actually taking the time to think about it they just yell at me for "acting autistic". Or they make fun of me when we have visitors, which is hurtful.

 

[faithmclaine]

I agree my mum wants me to just have a normal job but I have been sacked 3 times already and my confidence is low I am a graphic designer and really want to do that dilemma

 

[Mrshabi]

Ben28,
As a mom of a 20 year old Aspie's son. I have accepted him, fought for him, cheered for him, and am still crying for him. As for his father, I don't think it's as much "acceptance" as it is sadness. Depending on their personality it comes out in strange ways. I am not excusing those parents in your lives who literally don't understand or who don't care to understand. But in our case I think my husband had certain "expectations" and Aspies is the wrench in those dreams.
For those of you who have both parents who are "in Denial" let me be that cheerleader surrogate parent for you.

 

[GHA]

Dont cry for him, he is fine. He is just different and thinks differently.. He will be fine as he gets older. Just support him, so that he can adapt to this world.... They don't need pity, they need supportive parents,who understand them and can help them deal with the world.

 

[the-commander]

Has anyone else had to struggle to get acceptance from neurotypical parents? My mom has been accepting of me and actually introduced me to this website, but my dad hasn't. My whole life, he's been telling me to socialize at times when I didn't want to, to "get out of my cave," etc. I'll graduate from college soon. My dad encourages me to pursue careers that he's good at and knows (all of which I've been rejected from), but says some hurtful things about me and career paths that I'm better suited for and more interested in. It's probably well intentioned, but it's painful for me. I don't want to be fixed, I want to be accepted and play to my strengths.

my parents where both collage profesors growing up and they found my talking a lot and intrest in very dark subjects to be charming. my parents helped me do all my art projects as a kid and when i got really into something they often times would incourege it. i remember them taking me up to china town to hunt down obscure japanese monster films as a kid.

 

[icesyckel]

My parents didn't know I had ASD until recently, but they've have always been accepting of me being different from others and continue to be accepting.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Surprisingly, I've gotten a lot of support, and I started mild test-taking epidemic in my closest relatives because they all wanted to see what they scored as. We entertain ourselves in such strange ways.... Probably safe to say the specific cause for me is genetics! It's been a fun learning experience all around for us.

 

[Fraktal]

I have always been trying to make my parents understand, that I am different and they shall pay attention to what is moving me.
Since my self diagnosis more than 2 years ago it seems more successful.
Still, the past cannot be undone.
I think they still don't understand fully how much they hurt me.

Who doesn't understand cannot be guilty, but can still be a cause.

 

[ladykayak]

My father's quite similar to me and would meet diagnostic criteria but says he "doesn't give a damn" about it. My brother says I can't possibly have the diagnosis because he doesn't (isn't aspie at all) and "it's obviously a genetic condition" and my mother said "I'm damned if I'm walking on eggshells for you like I had to do with your father" - so not good responses at all. Am sure it led me to ignoring it for the last 11 years. Some friends know and accept it, some collwagues do. Boyfriend does but thinks all my aspie traits are some of his favourite things about me. So good support elsewhere.