This is an older discussion, but I just wanted to add ... as a NT adult & extended family member of an autistic teenager /young man ... that Autism & Aspergers is something most people are pretty unfamiliar with. They've heard the terms, & everyone knows someone who knows someone with an autistic chid. Most people have heard the stories of children who would bang their head, throw tantrums, not look anyone in the eyes, never learn to talk, wander off & become lost, etc... Some people assume that mental retardation is involved, others intuitively believe that a fully thinking & feeling person is trapped inside a less functional body. I would guess the majority of people have little understanding or awareness of the broad range between 'severely autistic', low functioning & high functioning Aspergers & even brilliant savants. Many people have seen the movie "Rain Man" & assume that is autism. Some have seen the documentaries and /or the movie about Temple Grandin. Less have seen the "60 Minutes" program about Soma Mukhopadhyay & her son Tito. Some people have heard vague mentions about autistic people who have written books. But even less people have read them, or seen their Facebook pages & blogs posts. On & on.
I think IGNORANCE, a lack of knowledge & understanding, prevails, and is the Bottom Line issue. Not a criticism, but the - when you think about it, quite understandable - reason for so much misunderstanding & the resultant frustration felt by the autistic children of NT parents.
Any parent is already busy enough, just trying to care for their children as best they can, while also providing food, shelter, clothing etc... In my opinion most parents have a difficult enough time doing a good job of raising their children to begin with ..... it is a tough & exhausting job, & you know the saying, "children don't come with instructions or an owner's manual"!! There is a reason for that saying!
Factor in that every single person is a unique individual. While we all have universal needs, everyone also has their own unique personality & individualized personal needs & peculiarities. Now add into the mix something called Autism, where a child's brain functions & reacts differently than anything the parent has seen, knows or understands.
Consider too that just because someone is an adult, or a parent, does not suddenly make them brilliant or all knowing, never mind perfect or always right. Every parent is a human being with their own set of limitations, possible issues or dysfunctions,ego etc...
Of course the majority of parents love their children with all their hearts & want only "the best" for them - "the best" of course being defined or even limited by what they know. One of my husband's oft repeated statements is that someone only knows what they know. (Thus someone can't know, what they don't know. Ya know?
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Many parents probably have little to no idea what to expect or what to do when their child exhibits traits outside of the NT norm. A diagnosis of Autism scares most parents because they have NO real idea what they should be doing or not be doing to help their child. When a caring adult is faced with a child who is crying & seemingly suffering for a reason beyond their understanding or knowledge base, & worse, they are unable to 'fix' whatever is upsetting & causing the child such turmoil ... it is painful for the adult. They also feel they are failing their child.
Most parents feel tremendous, even if unacknowledged GUILT ... that they somehow did or didn't so something which caused their child's Autism. Even parents who are completely loving & accepting of their child exactly as they are - NT or on the autistic spectrum - it is still frightening & upsetting because anything outside the standard NT functioning means that their child will probably require some level of special or extra assistance at some point, if not their entire lives. Most parents, grandparents etc ... are already thinking when their autistic child is still very young - What will happen when I am no longer alive on the earth? Who will be here for my child? The difference with a NT child is that the parent hopes to be able to teach & guide them to be fully independent & self sufficient one day. The parents assume they will one day step back & confidently let little Johnny or Janey go off alone. There can be nothing more frightening than knowing when you grow old & eventually pass away, your child - though an adult - may still need you, & you won't be able to be there for them.
Maybe all this is an emotional mix that some parents cannot face so they say things & react in ways that are more than unhelpful.
PS - some parents are just not up to the task, or don't have the time or energy, or maybe the curiosity or inclination to learn more, think outside the box etc... After all, life, even without the extra road bumps, is hard, & exhausting. Parents are just people too.
The above is rambling & not too well thought out. But I hope it helps at least a little to explain some things & also provide some comfort ... that it's not you.
Even the coldest parents probably mean well & love you. But that does not mean you should accept toxic behavior. It's very frustrating & sad to be misunderstood ... worse to feel unloved or unaccepted by one's parents. Take some comfort too that many NT people feel misunderstood & even unloved by their parents as well. Sometimes we have to find the strength & extra maturity to be our own inner parent ... to love & accept ourselves. <3
I think IGNORANCE, a lack of knowledge & understanding, prevails, and is the Bottom Line issue. Not a criticism, but the - when you think about it, quite understandable - reason for so much misunderstanding & the resultant frustration felt by the autistic children of NT parents.
Any parent is already busy enough, just trying to care for their children as best they can, while also providing food, shelter, clothing etc... In my opinion most parents have a difficult enough time doing a good job of raising their children to begin with ..... it is a tough & exhausting job, & you know the saying, "children don't come with instructions or an owner's manual"!! There is a reason for that saying!
Factor in that every single person is a unique individual. While we all have universal needs, everyone also has their own unique personality & individualized personal needs & peculiarities. Now add into the mix something called Autism, where a child's brain functions & reacts differently than anything the parent has seen, knows or understands.
Consider too that just because someone is an adult, or a parent, does not suddenly make them brilliant or all knowing, never mind perfect or always right. Every parent is a human being with their own set of limitations, possible issues or dysfunctions,ego etc...
Of course the majority of parents love their children with all their hearts & want only "the best" for them - "the best" of course being defined or even limited by what they know. One of my husband's oft repeated statements is that someone only knows what they know. (Thus someone can't know, what they don't know. Ya know?
) Many parents probably have little to no idea what to expect or what to do when their child exhibits traits outside of the NT norm. A diagnosis of Autism scares most parents because they have NO real idea what they should be doing or not be doing to help their child. When a caring adult is faced with a child who is crying & seemingly suffering for a reason beyond their understanding or knowledge base, & worse, they are unable to 'fix' whatever is upsetting & causing the child such turmoil ... it is painful for the adult. They also feel they are failing their child.
Most parents feel tremendous, even if unacknowledged GUILT ... that they somehow did or didn't so something which caused their child's Autism. Even parents who are completely loving & accepting of their child exactly as they are - NT or on the autistic spectrum - it is still frightening & upsetting because anything outside the standard NT functioning means that their child will probably require some level of special or extra assistance at some point, if not their entire lives. Most parents, grandparents etc ... are already thinking when their autistic child is still very young - What will happen when I am no longer alive on the earth? Who will be here for my child? The difference with a NT child is that the parent hopes to be able to teach & guide them to be fully independent & self sufficient one day. The parents assume they will one day step back & confidently let little Johnny or Janey go off alone. There can be nothing more frightening than knowing when you grow old & eventually pass away, your child - though an adult - may still need you, & you won't be able to be there for them.
Maybe all this is an emotional mix that some parents cannot face so they say things & react in ways that are more than unhelpful.
PS - some parents are just not up to the task, or don't have the time or energy, or maybe the curiosity or inclination to learn more, think outside the box etc... After all, life, even without the extra road bumps, is hard, & exhausting. Parents are just people too.
The above is rambling & not too well thought out. But I hope it helps at least a little to explain some things & also provide some comfort ... that it's not you.
Even the coldest parents probably mean well & love you. But that does not mean you should accept toxic behavior. It's very frustrating & sad to be misunderstood ... worse to feel unloved or unaccepted by one's parents. Take some comfort too that many NT people feel misunderstood & even unloved by their parents as well. Sometimes we have to find the strength & extra maturity to be our own inner parent ... to love & accept ourselves. <3
