Passive Bullying of Those on the Autism Spectrum

[Alaska]

Some people are sort of energy vampires and feed off the emotions that cause us to radiate energy, like sadness, discouragement, or despair. They are often subtle about their nasty parasitism, which helps them succeed with it more. This leeching is now so common, that it is tacitly accepted throughout our society. People on the Autism spectrum are not the only victims, although we tend to be favored targets.

We can avoid being repeat targets for such parasites by learning to spot them faster, and avoiding them. This ambition of mine to learn to spot such blood-suckers is part of my motivation for studying microexpressions and other forms of body language. I would like a better social life, but not at the cost of my energy and happiness. I want nice, helpful, supportive friends - not more parasites.

 

[AdultAspie69]

I think some of the professionals I have dealt with could be passive bullies sometimes, whether they intended to or not. Some of them would talk to me in a sugary sweet tone that felt pretty condescending at times, sad thing is that I don't think they even realized they were doing it. Even if they had good intentions, the way they came off sometimes insulted my intelligence and made me feel disrespected. Bullying exists on all levels and has many different forms, from institutions to the "professionals" who are supposed to build us up.

This happened to me when I was a teenager with a therapist.
Got so mad at her that I started chasing her around the facility grounds, got suspended for that.
People still speak to me like a toddler or a pet, and I'm 48.

 

[wight]

It's unfortunate that people cannot seem to grasp the true meaning of grace and mercy when dealing with others that have obvious challenges.

grace and mercy, still working on those.

 

[nowwhat]

I think your post here could amount to passive bullying.

As pointed out by others, how can you expect a young child to , "toughen up, grow a pair, defend yourself, etc" when bullied by a teacher or parent? This is also counter productive when applied to friends, who are kind of snake-in-the-grass, backstabbers, when you have trouble recognizing them for what they really are? Why would we even want to earn the respect of such a person?

I think suggestions offered here to leave such people a wide berth are more productive. Acting just like them is not an acceptable choice. Becoming what you despise is not helpful to anybody.

My post amounts to passive bullying? Utterly absurd. You're free to disagree, but please try to keep within the bounds of reasonability. As far as avoiding people who don't treat me the way I would like, That amounts to being a hermit. I have to work with several such people 5 days a week. How would you suggest I avoid people with whom I must collaborate in order to earn a living? Some of us work, though it is difficult, and despite the humiliation, conflict, stress and fatigue, are nonetheless grateful that we are able to work. As though I have the option to simply avoid everyone whose attitude toward me displeases me. How is that even possible?

 

[Alaska]

My post amounts to passive bullying? Utterly absurd. You're free to disagree, but please try to keep within the bounds of reasonability. As far as avoiding people who don't treat me the way I would like, That amounts to being a hermit. I have to work with several such people 5 days a week. How would you suggest I avoid people with whom I must collaborate in order to earn a living? Some of us work, though it is difficult, and despite the humiliation, conflict, stress and fatigue, are nonetheless grateful that we are able to work. As though I have the option to simply avoid everyone whose attitude toward me displeases me. How is that even possible?

I did not suggest that you avoid everyone whose attitude towards you displeases you. I just thought you should avoid the passive and other bullies. I used to have jobs where I could do that most of the time. I am sorry if that is not possible in your type of work.

I can understand that you would need to engage in aggressive self defense measures, if you cannot avoid your bullies.

I still think that expecting everyone here to do the same behavior that you use is not reasonable, nor is blaming other victims of abuse, including children, disabled, abused women and elders for their abuse and being bullied.

 

[nowwhat]

I did not suggest that you avoid everyone whose attitude towards you displeases you. I just thought you should avoid the passive and other bullies. I used to have jobs where I could do that most of the time. I am sorry if that is not possible in your type of work.

I can understand that you would need to engage in aggressive self defense measures, if you cannot avoid your bullies.

I still think that expecting everyone here to do the same behavior that you use is not reasonable, nor is blaming other victims of abuse, including children, disabled, abused women and elders for their abuse and being bullied.

And WHEN, did I blame, categorically, children, disabled, abused women or elders for their abuse? Show me. Remember the reasonability thing? You've lost it again.

Again, people misunderstanding, being uncharitable, condescending, snarky, talking behind our backs, etc. etc., is not bullying. That is what this thread was started about, and what I was commenting on, agree or not, before you steered it into the ditch and commenced exaggerating and making unwarranted and unsupported accusations and attacks against me.

 

[xudo]

As a boy I had teachers that mocked and insulted me in such a way that it insulted my intelligence

I had teachers who outright told me I was stupid. If they'd known it was actually dyscalculia, I wonder if it would have changed their behaviour.

 

[nowwhat]

Here is why I dont consider misunderstanding, condescention and disrespect, especially when they are not overt, to be bullying.

Aspies can hardly blame the NT world for their ignorance and misunderstanding toward us. We are a tiny minority and most NTs have an incorrect concept of HFA, and very limited experience with autistic folks. Because we are on a spectrum with widely varying expressions, symptoms and behaviors, it is tough for NTs to recognize and grasp what Aspergers syndrome is and what it looks, sounds and acts like.

Secondly, bullying to me involves denying someone their rights. Violence, vandalism, detaining, theft, interfering with access to education or employment, that the individual otherwise qualifies for and is entitled to. Respect, frienship and being taken seriously ARE NOT RIGHTS. These are things that must be earned. Denying someone any of these things is not bullying in most cases, as no one is entitled to them. If we fail to be likeable, or to make a good impression, its hardly everyone else's obligation to pretend we succeeded. It may not be our fault if we dont socialize effectively, or act as expected due to AS, but that in no way entitles us to special treatment. It would be nice if people chose to be loving and charitable, but that is their choice and hardly violates our rights if they elect not to. There is some distance between that choice, and actual bullying.

Complaining about life, for that is in fact what this is, does nothing to empower us, educate anyone, or change hearts. It does not improve perception of people on the spectrum or improve our ability to function in a world where we do not fit in. It is a horrible fact of this world that displaying weakness and giving others the satisfaction of knowing they have hurt us, only results in more of the same treatment. Wishing and hoping that people will change, that life will become easy and kind, that people will suddenly start choosing compassion and humility over cruelty and conceit is folly.

In most cases, we have no allies and must fend for ourselves. Playing the victim and crying murder because someone has been rude, snarky or unkind will benefit us nothing. Stop giving you tormentors power and start getting tough. Again I am talking about things THAT ARE NOT BULLYING. You cant overreact every time some member of the vile jerky human race acts like a vile jerk. Its kind of what they do.

 

[xDominiel]

Secondly, bullying to me involves denying someone their rights. Violence, vandalism, detaining, theft, interfering with access to education or employment, that the individual otherwise qualifies for and is entitled to.

I've never seen this definition of it, with the requirement of rights being lost.

When I think of bullying, I think:

Bullying is repeated verbal, physical, social or psychological aggressive behaviour by a person or group directed towards a less powerful person or group that is intended to cause harm, distress or fear.

 

[nowwhat]

I've never seen this definition of it, with the requirement of rights being lost.

When I think of bullying, I think:

Your definition does not conform to the behaviors that are the topic of the original post in this thread, which is basically a complaint that labels disrespect and condescention as bullying. Those sorts of behaviors and attitudes are not nice, but lets face it, we sometimes unknowingly and unintentionally bring them on ourselves in this NT world. Just because the entire situation is unfair, does not make it bullying. Just people being buttholes, which is mostly what they do.

 

[xDominiel]

Your definition does not conform to the behaviors that are the topic of the original post in this thread, which is basically a complaint that labels disrespect and condescention as bullying. Those sorts of behaviors and attitudes are not nice, but lets face it, we sometimes unknowingly and unintentionally bring them on ourselves in this NT world. Just because the entire situation is unfair, does not make it bullying. Just people being buttholes, which is mostly what they do.

As I understood it, the OP is not about "proper" bullying, but about the more subtle ridicule and othering, without malice. It becomes "proper" bullying when they are made aware of what they do and if they then continue, knowing full well that they cause harm. It might be better to use different terms to not conflate the two.

 

[Littlemissnaughty9]

I have experienced this my entire life, from family members, teachers, professionals, peers, etc. I always sort of knew it was bullying even though people would discount it when I complained.

Same but for reasons of other!

 

[Alaska]

I Think its fairly pussified to throw the "bullying" label around so freely. Sorry but I dont think what you are describing is bullying at all. Its just humans doing what they do to someone who is different. Its not our fault we're wired the way we are, but tye same is true of NTs. The exclusion, the jokes, the pigeonholing and stereotyping are all as automatic to NTs as breathing and eating. Toughen up. Grow a pair. Earn their respect. And if someone really bullies you, defend yourself.

And WHEN, did I blame, categorically, children, disabled, abused women or elders for their abuse? Show me. Remember the reasonability thing? You've lost it again.

Again, people misunderstanding, being uncharitable, condescending, snarky, talking behind our backs, etc. etc., is not bullying. That is what this thread was started about, and what I was commenting on, agree or not, before you steered it into the ditch and commenced exaggerating and making unwarranted and unsupported accusations and attacks against me.

I believe the problem is that you disagree with every other post on this thread about what bullying is. The whole point of this thread is to point out a form of less obvious bullying. You disagree and want to call the rest of us names for our views, which is a form of what we are discussing in this thread. When you do this, you are putting everyone who has experienced this, including those in your italicized words into the same category of "pussified, etc." We are not including all objectionable behavior into the category of passive bullying.

It is ok for you to disagree with the rest of us, but you do not need to engage in the bullying behavior we are trying to discuss in order to disagree.

Being Autistic or Aspies does not mean we never do the same bad behaviors as NTs, but most of us do usually do less of them. We also have some hurtful behaviors that we do more than NTs, which some of us work on or stop.

I am bothering to say this because I am assuming that you are experiencing some confusion about the subject of this thread, and might care about it.

 

[WildCat]

I Think its fairly pussified to throw the "bullying" label around so freely. Sorry but I dont think what you are describing is bullying at all. Its just humans doing what they do to someone who is different. Its not our fault we're wired the way we are, but tye same is true of NTs. The exclusion, the jokes, the pigeonholing and stereotyping are all as automatic to NTs as breathing and eating. Toughen up. Grow a pair. Earn their respect. And if someone really bullies you, defend yourself.

Much as I hate to admit it, this is the truth right here. It's a realistic perspective of what's really going on and not the watered-down nonsense being strewn everywhere. I like that. I probably would have disagreed with this years back, but over the past couple of years I'm beginning to see that there's no long-term benefit to playing the victim anymore.

 

[Alaska]

Much as I hate to admit it, this is the truth right here. It's a realistic perspective of what's really going on and not the watered-down nonsense being strewn everywhere. I like that. I probably would have disagreed with this years back, but over the past couple of years I'm beginning to see that there's no long-term benefit to playing the victim anymore.

I see two obvious paths that people are choosing: take it, cower down and let it consume you for a lifetime OR grow the proverbial "pair", move forward and fight back.

There are other options besides doing the same behavior we are objecting to here and being "pussified", or "cowering". We are not discussing what to do about passive bullying here so much as identifying this behavior, anyway.

Like Nowwhat, you disagree with the rest of us about whether passive bullying is a form of bullying. That is ok. Calling us names is not ok. What to do about passive bullying is not the subject. You can start another thread about how you want to handle that.

 

[WildCat]

There are other options besides doing the same behavior we are objecting to here and being "pussified", or "cowering". We are not discussing what to do about passive bullying here so much as identifying this behavior, anyway.

Like Nowwhat, you disagree with the rest of us about whether passive bullying is a form of bullying. That is ok. Calling us names is not ok. What to do about passive bullying is not the subject. You can start another thread about how you want to handle that.

I'm not calling anybody names in this thread, I'm simply quoting another person on this thread and offering my viewpoint here. I don't expect anyone or everyone to agree with me and that's absolutely fine.

Okay, so on the original subject of whether or not I have? Yes, indeed I have. This even coming from people whom I thought could be trusted, but as this thread shows that's not always the case. Does it hurt? Of course it does, of course I have feelings like anyone else. Is it temporary? It sure is.

I think I'll leave it at that, since I can see this thread's going right into the ground now...and just a thought here, a "sensitive topic" tag might come in handy the next time around, seeing as this thread's causing some heated discussion.

 

[Momo]

Bullying? Bah! I am the bully! I mean, I am the bully until the fists come out, then I'm the fastest runner in the world

 

[nowwhat]

As I understood it, the OP is not about "proper" bullying, but about the more subtle ridicule and othering, without malice. It becomes "proper" bullying when they are made aware of what they do and if they then continue, knowing full well that they cause harm. It might be better to use different terms to not conflate the two.

Thank you for helping to express what I was trying to say, and not quite succeeding at.

 

[nowwhat]

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I believe the problem is that you disagree with every other post on this thread about what bullying is. The whole point of this thread is to point out a form of less obvious bullying. You disagree and want to call the rest of us names for our views, which is a form of what we are discussing in this thread. When you do this, you are putting everyone who has experienced this, including those in your italicized words into the same category of "pussified, etc." We are not including all objectionable behavior into the category of passive bullying.

It is ok for you to disagree with the rest of us, but you do not need to engage in the bullying behavior we are trying to discuss in order to disagree.

Being Autistic or Aspies does not mean we never do the same bad behaviors as NTs, but most of us do usually do less of them. We also have some hurtful behaviors that we do more than NTs, which some of us work on or stop.

I am bothering to say this because I am assuming that you are experiencing some confusion about the subject of this thread, and might care about it.

Once again, my disagreeing does not make me a bully. I think your labelling me a bully simply because I had the temerity to make statements you disagree with amounts to bullying. You are misusing language and weaponizing words in order to intimidate and attempt to silence me. Disingenuous.

 

[nowwhat]

There are other options besides doing the same behavior we are objecting to here and being "pussified", or "cowering". We are not discussing what to do about passive bullying here so much as identifying this behavior, anyway.

Like Nowwhat, you disagree with the rest of us about whether passive bullying is a form of bullying. That is ok. Calling us names is not ok. What to do about passive bullying is not the subject. You can start another thread about how you want to handle that.

2 problems here: There is more than 1 post agreeing at least in part with my position and views as expressed in this thread. In addition, I have some likes and agreements, despite yet another attempt by you to silence opinion not your own, by misrepresenting several voices as only two. That is a well known and obvious tactic which I have just outed. Secondly, who are you to tell us what we may post in this or any other thread? Pretty sure that is not your role here. That is for mods and admins and they do a fine job of it.

LIke it or not, my views have resonated with some here, and the others who disagree with me have handled that state of affairs with maturity and graciousness. Attempting to silence opinion contrary to one's own via personal attacks is neither mature, nor gracious.