Past determining my future

[Markness]

I am often worried that my past is determining my future. I didn’t date in high school and was often at home in my room alone when classes were over. I still don’t date as an adult; not because I don’t want to but because I’ve just been unable to establish a romantic bond. After work, I usually just go home because I have no social groups. I worry it is always going to be like this.

 

[tree]

https://rebtdoctor.com/your-past-does-not-have-to-determine-your-future/

 

[Mary Terry]

You can't change the past, but you can change your present and your future by doing something proactive to connect with women. You can join a social group. Please see if you can find one close to you that shares interests in common with your interests.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Although there is some truth to this in specific circumstances (i.e. an ex-convict trying to get a job and be successful in life), for the rest of us, the past is our life experiences that ultimately affect our cognitive biases and our sense of wisdom. Obviously, this affects our decision-making, risk analysis, etc.

However, if you remain engaged in life and are willing to accept some risk, you might learn new things along your life path that will change your cognitive biases and wisdom. Personally, my thoughts on a variety of topics have changed throughout my life, and hopefully, for the better. I see things with a bit more nuance, that perspective plays a huge role, that all things appear to be in shades of grey rather than black and white.

Obviously, there are people who are autistic and in long-term relationships, have families, and pass on their genes to their children. I've been with the same woman for about 40 years. She found me. I wasn't looking for a relationship. However, I wasn't hiding away from other people, either.

You might not have the social and communication skills to initiate an interaction, but many other people do. If you don't make yourself available to even be seen, how the heck do you expect another person to find you? Get off the computer and phone apps and simply make yourself available in the real world. You might get a bit more traction.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

You can't change the past, but you can change your present and your future by doing something proactive to connect with women. You can join a social group. Please see if you can find one close to you that shares interests in common with your interests.

Don't waste your damn time. I tried all that crap and really tried so much this year I had an autistic burnout, meltdowns and now I swear me swear someone who hates swearing now swears. I hate seeing guy girls and couples and snap at them. I hate hearing people travel. I hate hobbies like yoga because of them talking about there stupid BF's and travel to my damn faces. I am stick of women flirting with me then saying they have a boyfriend or husband then the single women giving me the look. So don't join crap unless you want to be like me.

 

[Tired]

I am stick of women flirting with me then saying they have a boyfriend or husband

Right, because that's what married women do, flirt with random men, and then tell them, that they are married.

 

[tree]

@Tony Ramirez

Once again it's not the events so much as your interpretation of
the events that is causing you the bitter jealous rage-y grief.

 

[Hypnalis]

Right, because that's what married women do, flirt with random men, and then tell them, that they are married.

Sarcasm in an ASD forum? Perhaps it's time to check your privilege.

Don't "punch down".

 

[Tired]

Sarcasm in an ASD forum? Perhaps it's time to check your privilege.

Don't "punch down".

ASD people use sarcasm here as well.

 

[tree]

https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/161/how-do-i-indicate-sarcasm-irony-online
"It is common in online conversation among some Internet users to use an XML closing tag: </sarcasm>. The tag is often written only after the sarcasm so as to momentarily trick the reader before admitting the joke. Over time, it has evolved to lose the angle brackets (/sarcasm) and has subsequently been shortened to /sarc or /s."

https://www.internetslang.com/_2FS-meaning-definition.asp

 

[jsilver256]

Don't waste your damn time. I tried all that crap and really tried so much this year I had an autistic burnout, meltdowns and now I swear me swear someone who hates swearing now swears. I hate seeing guy girls and couples and snap at them. I hate hearing people travel. I hate hobbies like yoga because of them talking about there stupid BF's and travel to my damn faces. I am stick of women flirting with me then saying they have a boyfriend or husband then the single women giving me the look. So don't join crap unless you want to be like me.

Did you ask your church about therapy? My offer still stands - ask your church for help in finding you a therapist and getting financial assistance for ongoing therapy.

If they can't provide financial assistance, DM with the details of the church and I'll talk to them about it.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Although there is some truth to this in specific circumstances (i.e. an ex-convict trying to get a job and be successful in life), for the rest of us, the past is our life experiences that ultimately affect our cognitive biases and our sense of wisdom. Obviously, this affects our decision-making, risk analysis, etc.

However, if you remain engaged in life and are willing to accept some risk, you might learn new things along your life path that will change your cognitive biases and wisdom. Personally, my thoughts on a variety of topics have changed throughout my life, and hopefully, for the better. I see things with a bit more nuance, that perspective plays a huge role, that all things appear to be in shades of grey rather than black and white.

Obviously, there are people who are autistic and in long-term relationships, have families, and pass on their genes to their children. I've been with the same woman for about 40 years. She found me. I wasn't looking for a relationship. However, I wasn't hiding away from other people, either.

You might not have the social and communication skills to initiate an interaction, but many other people do. If you don't make yourself available to even be seen, how the heck do you expect another person to find you? Get off the computer and phone apps and simply make yourself available in the real world. You might get a bit more traction.

what do you mean that she found you? nevertheless, i assume the relationship happend like they normally do.

Yeah reminds me of a long written statement from a book that gives advice for men on how to meet and attract women, the statement makes me angry and mad

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Don't waste your damn time. I tried all that crap and really tried so much this year I had an autistic burnout, meltdowns and now I swear me swear someone who hates swearing now swears. I hate seeing guy girls and couples and snap at them. I hate hearing people travel. I hate hobbies like yoga because of them talking about there stupid BF's and travel to my damn faces. I am stick of women flirting with me then saying they have a boyfriend or husband then the single women giving me the look. So don't join crap unless you want to be like me.

specifically how do you snap at them?

 

[Cryptid]

I am often worried that my past is determining my future. I didn’t date in high school and was often at home in my room alone when classes were over. I still don’t date as an adult; not because I don’t want to but because I’ve just been unable to establish a romantic bond. After work, I usually just go home because I have no social groups. I worry it is always going to be like this.

Your past determines your future only if you allow it to do so in the PRESENT. If you put less effort into worrying and more into self-improvement, then you will be more likely to succeed. We all want you to enjoy a healthy relationship, but we also see your attitude as your biggest obstacle to this goal.

 

[Au Naturel]

Don't waste your damn time. I tried all that crap and really tried so much this year I had an autistic burnout, meltdowns and now I swear me swear someone who hates swearing now swears. I hate seeing guy girls and couples and snap at them. I hate hearing people travel. I hate hobbies like yoga because of them talking about there stupid BF's and travel to my damn faces. I am stick of women flirting with me then saying they have a boyfriend or husband then the single women giving me the look. So don't join crap unless you want to be like me.

You are filled with hate, and that is why bad things happen with such regularity. No woman wants to hang with someone who has such a chip on their shoulder. Women can read a guy like a book. I swear, I think they must detect angry or depressed or anxious pheromones. Or maybe subtle cues of body language or facial expression or vocal intonation. It is crucial to their well-being, and they get a lot of practice.

I see a happy couple, and I'm happy for them. It doesn't mean I don't want the same thing, but coveting never makes anyone happy. People travel. I'm happy for them. Resentment is your problem, not the lack of world travel.

Unless you look like Adonis, you don't take yoga to meet girls. If you take it to look at the yoga outfits, that will mark you as a creep. You should only take yoga because you enjoy yoga. Maybe you meet a girl who also enjoys yoga and happens to share other interests. And maybe you don't, but even so, you've still done something you enjoyed, so no loss.

Flirting is a form of recreation. If someone flirts, they probably don't find you utterly unattractive. But it is also, at least, partly because you are receptive to flirting. Checking the ring finger is basic. You can always ask around.

A woman who tells you about her boyfriend is telling you she's not available. So, if they don't tell you about their BF it makes you angry and if they do tell you about him it makes you angry. That's a lot of useless angry.

I have flirted with a LOT of women and we both knew it was going nowhere. It is just two people confirming they are still attractive to someone who isn't obligated to them. A little reassurance for the ego. If you end up talking about something of substance, then you've got a nibble. Flirting means nothing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

what do you mean that she found you? nevertheless, i assume the relationship happend like they normally do.

Yeah reminds me of a long written statement from a book that gives advice for men on how to meet and attract women, the statement makes me angry and mad

We were at the university. Freshman year. I was focused upon my studies and athletics. I was busy and had people around me, a roommate, teammates, classmates. I had gotten a job on campus on the weekends. Sure, I had people around me, I was out and about, but I wasn't really into all the social activities on campus. Keep in mind, this was before computers and mobile phones. If we wanted to do research on anything, it meant a trip to the library and sitting with other people. People in my generation just couldn't physically isolate ourselves, not at a university. For the most part, I was and still am a bit disconnected from the people around me. People are "things" I navigate around in my daily life, so I am not paying attention to all the communication signals people are giving me. So it is with women. Certainly, I am attracted to women, I know they are there, but at the same time, I am often navigating from point A to point B without allowing myself the distraction. So, seemingly out of the blue, comes this beautiful young woman who actually had to do a bit of work to get me to pay attention and notice her. I was clueless, until I wasn't.

As far as your second statement, I still hold to my advice. The real world is where you have to navigate this, especially for an autistic. Sure, you can meet people through dating apps, but then what? If you are in the habit of isolating yourself from the real world, and they aren't, the relationship will crumble before it even begins.

I am married to a neurotypical. She is a social creature. Which means, as her partner, I cannot simply say, "You go and have fun." This is not how marriages work. Her family and friends begin to question things, then she begins to question things, and the next thing you know, you're by yourself again. In other words, I am obligated to be her partner in everything. I can socialize for a short period of time. I have enough stamina for that. Then, I will find a quiet corner and read. I am listening to the conversation, out on the periphery. I am present. She knows my limitations. She understands. However, if you're not willing to be a life partner, in everything, then don't complain when you can't find a partner, because at that point, it's nobody's fault but your own.

 

[Mary Terry]

Don't waste your damn time. I tried all that crap and really tried so much this year I had an autistic burnout, meltdowns and now I swear me swear someone who hates swearing now swears. I hate seeing guy girls and couples and snap at them. I hate hearing people travel. I hate hobbies like yoga because of them talking about there stupid BF's and travel to my damn faces. I am stick of women flirting with me then saying they have a boyfriend or husband then the single women giving me the look. So don't join crap unless you want to be like me.

This is Markness' thread, and he is not you.

I'm certain no one wants to be like you. Full of rage, hatred, swearing, resentful, addicted to pornography, using the kindness of churches and a yoga studio to cruise for women rather than the purposes for which those things exist, a false sense of entitlement to women, totally misunderstanding the nature of human relationships, and totally misunderstanding how you present or come across to women.

Get a therapist, Tony. You need professional help.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

We were at the university. Freshman year. I was focused upon my studies and athletics. I was busy and had people around me, a roommate, teammates, classmates. I had gotten a job on campus on the weekends. Sure, I had people around me, I was out and about, but I wasn't really into all the social activities on campus. Keep in mind, this was before computers and mobile phones. If we wanted to do research on anything, it meant a trip to the library and sitting with other people. People in my generation just couldn't physically isolate ourselves, not at a university. For the most part, I was and still am a bit disconnected from the people around me. People are "things" I navigate around in my daily life, so I am not paying attention to all the communication signals people are giving me. So it is with women. Certainly, I am attracted to women, I know they are there, but at the same time, I am often navigating from point A to point B without allowing myself the distraction. So, seemingly out of the blue, comes this beautiful young woman who actually had to do a bit of work to get me to pay attention and notice her. I was clueless, until I wasn't.

As far as your second statement, I still hold to my advice. The real world is where you have to navigate this, especially for an autistic. Sure, you can meet people through dating apps, but then what? If you are in the habit of isolating yourself from the real world, and they aren't, the relationship will crumble before it even begins.

I am married to a neurotypical. She is a social creature. Which means, as her partner, I cannot simply say, "You go and have fun." This is not how marriages work. Her family and friends begin to question things, then she begins to question things, and the next thing you know, you're by yourself again. In other words, I am obligated to be her partner in everything. I can socialize for a short period of time. I have enough stamina for that. Then, I will find a quiet corner and read. I am listening to the conversation, out on the periphery. I am present. She knows my limitations. She understands. However, if you're not willing to be a life partner, in everything, then don't complain when you can't find a partner, because at that point, it's nobody's fault but your own.

yeah, because since you say that she found you, depending on how that statement is interpreted, i assume you mean that she was the one that pursued you or made a move on you, however, i'm assuming i'm wrong because we all know that normally never happens.

Yeah the long written passage from a book, it was written by a guy who gives advice and helps men on how to meet and attract women, and he explained to them on men who have been wanting to give up on women and dating, if i find it, i can post it.

 

[Au Naturel]

Which means, as her partner, I cannot simply say, "You go and have fun." This is not how marriages work.

LOL! That's exactly what we do.

We have a few family events I will go to over the course of a year; mostly seders. Every now and then, she'll drag me out to some cultural event, but we do lots of things separately. She's not going hiking with me, drive a hundred miles to catch a rocket launch at Vandenberg that might or might not happen, or show up at a nudist event.

But she'll go on a cruise with her girlfriend or spend a week with her in Vegas. Not going to get me there. I will tell her, "You go and have fun without me." If she wants to see a movie that I'd find dreary, she can go and I'll stay home.

And that's how we don't end up resenting each other.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

LOL! That's exactly what we do.

We have a few family events I will go to over the course of a year; mostly seders. Every now and then, she'll drag me out to some cultural event, but we do lots of things separately. She's not going hiking with me, drive a hundred miles to catch a rocket launch at Vandenberg that might or might not happen, or show up at a nudist event.

But she'll go on a cruise with her girlfriend or spend a week with her in Vegas. Not going to get me there. I will tell her, "You go and have fun without me." If she wants to see a movie that I'd find dreary, she can go and I'll stay home.

And that's how we don't end up resenting each other.

I feel really weird not being with my wife, and she without me. If either of us leave for a few days for a professional conference or some other event, we both admit that we can't sleep and we just want to get back to each other. The world is an empty place without each other. The two of us make one good person. Sure, she will go out to dinner with friends, from time to time, but a few hours, at best. We pretty much do everything together and we value that time. Perhaps, because we are still both working 12+ hours/day and only have a few hours in the evening that we can spend with each other, then on the weekends, it's domestic duties like laundry, yard maintenance, cleaning the vehicles, shopping, etc. The few hours that we have each day are valuable. We both enjoy our own special interests, but we are still present. The idea of taking a vacation without each other would never be a thought in our head. It just wouldn't happen.