Please is a stupid word

[Rogue Princess]

Personally, I prefer to be direct. When I add the word please to something it makes me feel like I am making a request, like I am willing to negotiate.

In this particular situation, this is a need, not a want. It's in regards to my androphobia which was brought on by PTSD and I cannot see a male doctor.

In an ideal world I wouldn't have to deal with pleasantries and platitudes.

I'm tired of saying please when I need to make a demand and thanking people for things I do not need, want or care about.

I am hoping this being an autism forum there are some who know what I mean and do not paint me in a negative hue.

[edit: phobia means *fear* not hate, this is a serious problem I have being afraid to be alone in a room with 50%+ of the population. It is the result of heavy trauma and not a sexist thing at all, I always feel I need to clarify this.].

*I'm spectrophobic too but that's unrelated to thread.

 

[Tom]

I think of it as being a cultural aspect. It can be quite different in other countries. I don't know where you are from but the USA I believe is known for having an unusually large ammount of plesantries which some find strange and superficial. But it is just our way. When in another country I try and learn their language and their social ettique. I think in general it is seen as a sign of respect and just makes things go smoother (as well as opens doors otherwise closed). When in Rome, etc.

 

[Rogue Princess]

I live in New Zealand and part of our culture is to stay humble. Also being female, there are social expectations there too. Like you have to keep at a kind of passive-assertive level and that's almost an impossible challenge for me.

It's a test of psychological endurance and tolerance and at times it feels like it's going to give me an aneurysm (not over reacting, it's literally how it feels) because if I don't, I know I'll get punished with another diagnosis.

 

[Progster]

I use please with the students because I don't want to come across as being authoritarian with them. But it's still clear that I need them to do what I ask.

For me, it's superficial small talk I have more of an issue with than 'please' and 'thank you'. I agree with it being annoying to be expected to thank someone where their 'help' was neither asked for nor wanted. But if I'm genuinely grateful for help they offered, then I want to thank them.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I live in Canada, saying "please" and "thank you" are about as natural as breathing air.

 

[Rogue Princess]

The worst is where you're expected to thank someone for being incompetent or failure to complete the task required of them.

I do like saying please when it's to add a level of enthusiasm. Like "yes please!"

 

[SusanLR]

In an ideal world I wouldn't have to deal with pleasantries and platitudes.

It is the same for me.
But it was drilled into my vocabulary in grade school to answer yes, please when asked if I want this or that, such as in a restaurant or business place, to the point it almost comes natural now.

Thank you doesn't come as easy, but again, it was taught in school and practiced.

Yes, it is very much expected in America.

 

[Rodafina]

I love “please.” I think a pleasant request can be the precursor to any demands that must be made. Making demands is a desperate end to making sure our needs are met. Asking politely first can be an effective way to get things done that does not involve negative emotions.

“Thank you” isn’t my favorite phrase, but showing some form of genuine gratitude is one of the most wonderful things in the world, I think. Gratitude is a powerful sentiment to share and fosters human connection.

“You’re welcome.” Is confusing for me, but I understand people mean well when they say it.

When I am talking to electronic devices, I still use my manners because I never want to get used to the feeling of speaking to others with impoliteness. This has definitely been drilled into me since I was very young. But, I think it would be a mistake to equate politeness with weakness.

 

[Hypnalis]

"Please" and "Thank you" provide a useful means to separate orders from requests.
Other languages do it differently of course,, and I believe there are languages that don't have it at all.
Where I live (EU country) we don't have "please", but we have "thank-you", and we have a word for inducing "thank-you" which is a partial substitute for "please".

Over-doing it due to local politeness rules does no harm IMO. But I don't thank people who mess me around, regardless of circumstances.

Trying for an unjustified "thank you" where I live is a good indicator for someone making a dominance move and/or a selfish/narcissistic person.

 

[SimonSays]

"What's the magic word?"

I would sometimes hear that as a child when 'please' hadn't been said and in their opinion was needed. I hated it when someone did that. I've even heard it said a few times in my early adult life too. Hated an adult doing that to another adult even more.

I do get what others have said here, and have no problem using please and thank you very easily because it does smooth things and mostly comes out automatically. Plus it's a very British thing to be polite. But I also like to buck the trends too. If someone asks me how I am I will usually reply, but not always ask them back. Also, I begin certain questions with May I... instead of can I, which to me means no please is required as I'm not asking if I can, just if I may. It's a subtle difference but I feel ok with not saying please in such moments. Trouble is people usually say 'can' when 'may' is the righter choice, and saying 'can' feels like it's asking for permission in a way 'may' isn't. They are both asking, but I feel a difference in the tone of the two words.

But it is true that hearing something asked of me in a way that seems too controlling without 'please' doesn't feel nice, even though the 'please' may make no actual difference as it may still have to be done anyway.

 

[Rodafina]

"What's the magic word?"

I would sometimes hear that as a child when 'please' hadn't been said and in their opinion was needed. I hated it when someone did that. I've even heard it said a few times in my early adult life too. Hated an adult doing that to another adult even more.

Ug. Bad memories. I don't like this way of "teaching" children either.

But adult to adult? Obnoxious.

I thought the magic word was "abracadabra."

Spoiler

 

[Forest Cat]

But isn't it just a matter of being polite instead of brash. We teach our kids to say "please" and "thank you" because it makes the world a little nicer. You can make a demand and still use "please" or "thank you", it's more civilized I think. For example, "Excuse me sir, if you don't leave right now we will take you out back and give you to the dogs. Thank you".

 

[The Pandector]

Personally, I prefer to be direct. When I add the word please to something it makes me feel like I am making a request, like I am willing to negotiate.

In this particular situation, this is a need, not a want. It's in regards to my androphobia which was brought on by PTSD and I cannot see a male doctor.

In an ideal world I wouldn't have to deal with pleasantries and platitudes.

I'm tired of saying please when I need to make a demand and thanking people for things I do not need, want or care about.

I am hoping this being an autism forum there are some who know what I mean and do not paint me as a [female dog].

[edit: phobia means *fear* not hate, this is a serious problem I have being afraid to be alone in a room with 50%+ of the population. It is the result of heavy trauma and not a sexist thing at all, I always feel I need to clarify this.].

*I'm spectrophobic too but that's unrelated to thread.

I don’t know. Maybe saying ‘please’ is a pleasantry. For me, it’s an acknowledgment that the addressee is under no obligation to fill my request; an acknowledgment that I am not their master and I am humbly seeking their cooperation.

When one in authority says ‘please’, it is an acknowledgment that their authority is limited and they seek your cooperation rather than demanding your obedience.

When the king says please, just pretend he didn’t.

 

[Misty Avich]

I know what you mean, OP.
One time when I was on a bus I was sitting near the front and there wasn't a button to press near me to signal the bus to stop, so I just stood up in good time and the driver asked if I wanted the next stop. I said yes, and was intending to say thank you, but the driver started having a go at me saying "the word you're looking for is please! Remember that next time, or ring the bell if it's that much trouble for you."
I didn't thank him when I got off. I felt intimidated by him, as there was no need for him to have a go at me for not saying please. Some situations it feels appropriate to not say please, and to me this felt like one of them. But I knew it would be appropriate to say thank you, which I was going to do but he changed my mind lol.

 

[Hypnalis]

We teach our kids to say "please" and "thank you" because it makes the world a little nicer.

We may do it for that reason, but I think it's more accurate for NT's to say that they teach it because it's part of normal language.

It avoids this "automatic pushback", which is probably part of the never-ending dominance game:

But it is true that hearing something asked of me in a way that seems too controlling without 'please' doesn't feel nice,

"Nobody" likes being ordered to do things "out of hierarchy", Which is odd, because I'm fairly confident (but not 100%) there are languages that don't follow the same system.

 

[Forest Cat]

We may do it for that reason, but I think it's more accurate for NT's to say that they teach it because it's part of normal language.

I think it's also because if we don't teach small children to do that, we end up with rude adults. Manners maketh man you know.
Doesn't hurt to have good manners.

 

[Swansong]

The worst is where you're expected to thank someone for being incompetent or failure to complete the task required of them.

I do like saying please when it's to add a level of enthusiasm. Like "yes please!"

I honestly doubt there's any one culture in the world where the same thing doesn't at least somewhat apply.

I'm from a tropical hellhole with a chaotic, disorganized and rather informal culture where a bunch of pointless pleasantries are still expected, I believe it's simply something built in into the human mind that for us born this way is simply missing so we see at as pointless, absurd and obnoxious because it means nothing for us.

But at the end of the day, it's best to at least try and engage in those simply because not doing it just causes more trouble in the long run.

 

[Darkkin]

Please note...Hypothetical situation. Pronoun you is an abstract figment of imagination for illustration purposes only. It is not a personal form of address directed at anyone.

Please presents a semblance of choice, not an obey this or else. Anyone with strict parents knows the difference between voluntary choice and forced compliance.

You want something someone else can grant, something you are taking from them. Reciprocity in the most abstract form. Yet saying please is too much of an inconvenience. People are just supposed to comply? You are making a request of their time and interaction, yet you're the one being inconvenienced by being civil? I don't understand the logic.

Say please, I am more likely to consider the request. Say do this now...forget it. I want this, forget it. You haven't done anything to earn trust or cooperation. I will look at you like you are incompetent because you cannot make a reasonable request. Outside of crucial situations requiring unquestioned compliance (emergencies). There is no reason to ignore a baseline civility.

You can be direct, but consider please is one single word that takes less than a second to say.

I want a cookie.

May I please have a cookie.

 

[ra49]

I live in Canada, saying "please" and "thank you" are about as natural as breathing air.

I am in Louisiana and here too: please and thank you, and yes ma'am and no sir to any elder (relative or stranger) and all service staff (elder or not)
Altho being in the South, we have a lot of Honey and y'all too

 

[ra49]

"What's the magic word?"

I would sometimes hear that as a child when 'please' hadn't been said and in their opinion was needed. I hated it when someone did that. I've even heard it said a few times in my early adult life too. Hated an adult doing that to another adult even more.

I do get what others have said here, and have no problem using please and thank you very easily because it does smooth things and mostly comes out automatically. Plus it's a very British thing to be polite. But I also like to buck the trends too. If someone asks me how I am I will usually reply, but not always ask them back. Also, I begin certain questions with May I... instead of can I, which to me means no please is required as I'm not asking if I can, just if I may. It's a subtle difference but I feel ok with not saying please in such moments. Trouble is people usually say 'can' when 'may' is the righter choice, and saying 'can' feels like it's asking for permission in a way 'may' isn't. They are both asking, but I feel a difference in the tone of the two words.

But it is true that hearing something asked of me in a way that seems too controlling without 'please' doesn't feel nice, even though the 'please' may make no actual difference as it may still have to be done anyway.

May vs Can, Would vs Could: The finer points of language have been lost in my lifetime