Question about disclosing Aspergers to friends/family

[cory]

Well this question is specific and about one person. I know this will be something I would have discuss with a girlfriend, but currently I'm single. I've seen multiple times that disclosure is on a needs to know basis. I agree with this. Mike has been my best friend since grade school. He's the only person who's really tried to understand all the bad stuff that has gone along with my mood disorder that's been happening to me for the last decade. He really tries to understand but he really doesn't get it. So much so that I got the sense that his confusion was an impediment to our friendship so I shut him down on asking questions a few years ago. He's (almost) Ph.D. in nuclear physics. I've read and now I see that a lot of high level science and math guys (and gals) have some of the aspie traits. He has a couple, but I would never say he is an aspie.

This is the only person I'm thinking about disclosing any of this to. I believe it would actually help him make sense of all the stuff he's seen about my bipolar disorder. So what are the pros and cons about disclosure?

 

[Sylar]

It might be because it's late and I'm not in the mood for reading, but what is your situation. I'm assuming grade school is a young age?

so I shut him down on asking questions a few years ago.

Do you mean you stopped talking to him or just wouldn't let him ask questions you weren't comfortable with?

If you're still friends with him then I say you should tell him. He's been friends with you for so long without knowing, it should only make him more understanding if you open up to him. It'll answer any questions he has about your behaviour and mood and he can at least try to understand rather than think you're being weird. There aren't any cons about telling him this stuff about yourself.

If you haven't spoken to him in years or are only considering this because you suspect he might have Aspergers then I would stop and think about why you want to open up now.

Like I said, it's almost 1am for me. I'm tired and I read your post but might not have got what you were saying and I've tried to reply in a way that makes sense. Any information you can give will help give a better answer.

 

[cory]

It might be because it's late and I'm not in the mood for reading, but what is your situation. I'm assuming grade school is a young age?

Do you mean you stopped talking to him or just wouldn't let him ask questions you weren't comfortable with?

If you're still friends with him then I say you should tell him. He's been friends with you for so long without knowing, it should only make him more understanding if you open up to him. It'll answer any questions he has about your behaviour and mood and he can at least try to understand rather than think you're being weird. There aren't any cons about telling him this stuff about yourself.

If you haven't spoken to him in years or are only considering this because you suspect he might have Aspergers then I would stop and think about why you want to open up now.

Like I said, it's almost 1am for me. I'm tired and I read your post but might not have got what you were saying and I've tried to reply in a way that makes sense. Any information you can give will help give a better answer.

Known him for 30 years. We still hang out. I just had to tell him "only someone who is bipolar can understand what I'm saying" He lives in a city 1 hr away. I don't suspect that he's an aspie. I've just heard it is needs to know only, and I think he needs to know.

 

[Sylar]

Then tell him. Your friendship has lasted so long that he won't abandon you or anything. Like I said it'll only make him more understanding.

 

[Mia]

Sometimes the reason people don't disclose to people they know is that in order to truly understand high functioning asperger's, you have to do the research and comprehend the disorder. And that's not as easy as one might think.

It took me years to understand my husband who's an aspie, and put together the pieces of behaviour. Like a puzzle it requires dedication on the part of the person who is close to you in understanding how it manifests. During this time of research I found out I also have many of traits, that manifest slightly differently in females. It's likely why we understand one another as well as we do.

But I've also encountered couples and friends, who seem to think that their aspie friend or boyfriend or girlfriend should act in a certain way. Conversely they must be able to change their behaviour or ideas to accommodate them. Aspies are unable to 'change' certain types of traits, they're 'hard wired' so to speak. When people they are close to want them to do so, it means that they don't truly understand some of it's limitations and what's possible for an aspie to be able to do.

Many people on the site use the phrase 'on a need to know basis only' for good reason. Think that you need also to understand why you need to confide in your friend. Perhaps, you have said or done things that you believe require and explanation. Some friends don't require explanations, others do.

 

[pax]

I agree with what others have said. It's a bit hard to advise you as I don't know you, your friend or the intricacies of your relationship. If he is a good friend , and you think he would benefit, then tell him, but make sure you have websites or literature to point him to.

Personally, I suspected I had something related to autism for decades.
I only mentioned it to my husband after I got (unofficially) diagnosed. His reaction was one of bewilderment, but after handing him some literature he saw the signs. He is pretty good about it.

My family of origin are not. It turns out my mother suspected since I was a child but neither told me nor cut me any slack; (she may have actually had me tested) and majority of my siblings have taken the attitude "you know what's wrong so fix it"and "get over yourself everyone has problems" So the relationships there deteriorated to the point we don't speak anymore.

Something to think about.

 

[Suzanne]

I am finding that despite not being official that if I just come out with I have aspergers, it is actually being accepted and even one couple said: ah yes, know about aspergers, because of a relative who has this condition.

Because I have felt a fraud in the past; not quite so now, because mounting evidence presents itself, I always made the error of saying that I am not official and that is when all the: oh everyone feels that way or don't take everything you read as gospel etc etc, which would render me silent, but even those who do know I am not official, because they have been "kindly" telling some that I think I have it ( my husband related this to me), are treating me as though I have it, but in a sort of mocking way: telling me a joke and seeing clearly I do not understand and then saying: oh sorry, you don't get that do you? Or, sarcasm is lost on you and looking at me with a sense of feeling sorry for me. Hate that with a passion and want to spit.

So, the conclusion is, to reveal to those who you sense are not going to take advantage of the fact.

 

[ksheehan88]

I told my Mum, my partner, and my three friends my suspicions about having AS.

Only my partner and my aspie friend were supportive.

The rest either told me to shove antidepressants down my neck, that its just anxiety and depression or that they weren't going to "enable my anxious self diagnosis"

 

[cory]

I agree with what others have said. It's a bit hard to advise you as I don't know you, your friend or the intricacies of your relationship. If he is a good friend , and you think he would benefit, then tell him, but make sure you have websites or literature to point him to.

Personally, I suspected I had something related to autism for decades.
I only mentioned it to my husband after I got (unofficially) diagnosed. His reaction was one of bewilderment, but after handing him some literature he saw the signs. He is pretty good about it.

My family of origin are not. It turns out my mother suspected since I was a child but neither told me nor cut me any slack; (she may have actually had me tested) and majority of my siblings have taken the attitude "you know what's wrong so fix it"and "get over yourself everyone has problems" So the relationships there deteriorated to the point we don't speak anymore.

Something to think about.

That's a good idea to have literature to immediately point him towards. When I got the diagnosis of bipolar I told him the closest I can come to explaining what it's like is the book "An unquiet Mind" by K Redfield Jaminson. He read it but seemed to focus on the hallucinations (which I had to tell him repeatedly that I never experienced) and not grasp the overall picture. He never could get the overall picture so I had to push him to stop asking questions b/c when he did I was reliving the traumatic experience. He might be skeptical because I am self diagnosed. He's really more like a brother to me b/c of the length of our friendship. I think a bit of a gap has formed when I realized I was experiencing these severe mood swings, he tried to understand, but ultimately failed. I believe the knowledge of this will help fill in some of the gaps.

 

[clg114]

I have found that fewer people that know that I am on the spectrum, the better it is for me. Unless they are also on the spectrum or a certain type of medical professional, they will not understand. Some of the things that they think about autism is really scary. My wife and my kids are about the only ones who know that I am a Aspie. Everyone else thinks of me as "that, weird, old, smart guy."

 

[Judge]

So what are the pros and cons about disclosure?

The simplest answer? It's a complete crapshoot with potentially disastrous consequences when it comes to even your closest perceived relationships. It hinges entirely on the ability of an open mind to comprehend something incredibly complex and intricate.

Some might get it. Others will try and fail. And many will default to a notion that since we are in a social and neurological minority, that it is up to us to change, and not them. Indifferent of our reality that there are some traits and behaviors we can change, and others we neurologically have no control over.

"Need-to-know" only. Because the odds of a positive outcome are poor in general.

 

[cory]

That's a lot of good advice I'll have to think over. Before I made this post I arranged to hang out with him this weekend (lives in a different city but only an hour away). What about starting incrementally? There's a lot of stuff about my memory that I know has caused him confusion. I could start and end the conversation on that.

 

[Judge]

That's a lot of good advice I'll have to think over. Before I made this post I arranged to hang out with him this weekend (lives in a different city but only an hour away). What about starting incrementally? There's a lot of stuff about my memory that I know has caused him confusion. I could start and end the conversation on that.

That's a thought. I mean if you do so incrementally (and carefully) you still can gauge his ability to comprehend things in part rather than whole. So if you decide he's not getting it, you can back out without any harm or foul.

 

[Kirsty]

People can be so cruel. Some of these comments are very upsetting to read, like being told to "shove antidepressants down your neck."

 

[cory]

****I've come to the conclusion that the words Asperger, autism, or aspie shouldn't be said by me to my friends or family. At this point. That doesn't mean I'm in denial or in any way ashamed. On the contrary this entire experience has been one of the best in my life. Self-knowledge is one of the highest realities one can attain. "what you seek is seeking you"****

 

[Jusdifferent]

I agree with what others have said. It's a bit hard to advise you as I don't know you, your friend or the intricacies of your relationship. If he is a good friend , and you think he would benefit, then tell him, but make sure you have websites or literature to point him to.

Personally, I suspected I had something related to autism for decades.
I only mentioned it to my husband after I got (unofficially) diagnosed. His reaction was one of bewilderment, but after handing him some literature he saw the signs. He is pretty good about it.

My family of origin are not. It turns out my mother suspected since I was a child but neither told me nor cut me any slack; (she may have actually had me tested) and majority of my siblings have taken the attitude "you know what's wrong so fix it"and "get over yourself everyone has problems" So the relationships there deteriorated to the point we don't speak anymore.

Something to think about.

(((HUG))) I hear you. I understand. I have kind of the same situation - NOT easy At least you have a supportive mate. ( I don't know what I'd do without my husband. ) My mom is a decent person, but is "uber religious", and does not "believe" in AS

 

[Chris Russell]

There's some great advice there... All I would add is that a disproportioate number of my friends (not that there are that many!) are PHD physicists or engineers. People in these fields have, by nature, highly systematising minds. This is a common trait in Aspergers. I agree that really understanding the neurological difference is quite an ask, but if anyone is likely to get somewhere with it, it's a physicist, or an engineer. Conversely, the other people in my life who seem to want to understand my difference are all extremely empathetic. (The opposite end of the systemising/empathising scale.) They do not possess the systemised thinking that might help them grasp the patterns of behaviour experienced by Aspies, but they do not judge, and they keep trying to understand. It's an interesting dichotomy....

 

[Bird]

I tell people regularly if it comes up or is applicable to the topic at hand. Most people I've spoken to don't know a whole lot about asd, so they pretty much just accept it and take the opportunity to learn more. Or they don't really care, or it explains a lot and they cut me some slack. I'm more comfortable if at least one person in any given setting is aware of my diagnosis so they don't freak out if I have a meltdown or something. And I guess this is pretty unusual, but I've never had a really bad experience with it. Disclosure is not a big deal to me. It usually doesn't make a difference or it changes things for the better, but I suppose that isn't normal. Still a lot of people know, from my boss, to my coworkers, to everyone at church and it hasn't negatively affected my relationships with them. Even the more straightlaced and close minded people know me well enough and accept me. And if they didn't, then I'd move on. Usually if people aren't willing to learn about an important part of who I am, then I don't care if they reject me, as our relationship could never be anything other than superficial. And superficial relationships are easy enough to come by that I won't miss theirs. But when to disclose is an extremely personal thing, so naturally use caution.

 

[clg114]

I tell people regularly if it comes up or is applicable to the topic at hand. Most people I've spoken to don't know a whole lot about asd, so they pretty much just accept it and take the opportunity to learn more. Or they don't really care, or it explains a lot and they cut me some slack. I'm more comfortable if at least one person in any given setting is aware of my diagnosis so they don't freak out if I have a meltdown or something. And I guess this is pretty unusual, but I've never had a really bad experience with it. Disclosure is not a big deal to me. It usually doesn't make a difference or it changes things for the better, but I suppose that isn't normal. Still a lot of people know, from my boss, to my coworkers, to everyone at church and it hasn't negatively affected my relationships with them. Even the more straightlaced and close minded people know me well enough and accept me. And if they didn't, then I'd move on. Usually if people aren't willing to learn about an important part of who I am, then I don't care if they reject me, as our relationship could never be anything other than superficial. And superficial relationships are easy enough to come by that I won't miss theirs. But when to disclose is an extremely personal thing, so naturally use caution.

You are very lucky to know such understanding people and when they do not understand (or will not understand), you are handling it very logical manner.

 

[cory]

There's some great advice there... All I would add is that a disproportioate number of my friends (not that there are that many!) are PHD physicists or engineers. People in these fields have, by nature, highly systematising minds. This is a common trait in Aspergers. I agree that really understanding the neurological difference is quite an ask, but if anyone is likely to get somewhere with it, it's a physicist, or an engineer. Conversely, the other people in my life who seem to want to understand my difference are all extremely empathetic. (The opposite end of the systemising/empathising scale.) They do not possess the systemised thinking that might help them grasp the patterns of behaviour experienced by Aspies, but they do not judge, and they keep trying to understand. It's an interesting dichotomy....

I think that fits me to a T. I've worked in the high science/math/engineering field for about 5 years and you do see a lot of those Aspie traits in a lot of the people there. I think that type of person could understand the neurological differences better than most people I know. I also trust the highly personable, empathetic type. I have just a handful of friends but they mostly fall into these two groups.