Question about disclosing Aspergers to friends/family

[Nitro]

For the most part,my disclosure is on a need to know basis,but,there is more to the story

Y'all gotta learn to use an autism disclosure as a defensive weapon for the "special" people in your lives...
nothin' sends my simpleton inbred townies packing faster

 

[cory]

Y'all gotta learn to use an autism disclosure as a defensive weapon for the "special" people in your lives...
nothin' sends my simpleton inbred townies packing faster

I lived in the middle of missouri for 5 years so I understand inbred townies (Alexa says 80% of the site traffic is from Britian so if that's the case the middle of missouri is very very white and I think they just keep a 2nd cousins or further away rule). I don't understand autism disclosure as a defensive weapon.

 

[Nitro]

I lived in the middle of missouri for 5 years so I understand inbred townies (Alexa says 80% of the site traffic is from Britian so if that's the case the middle of missouri is very very white and I think they just keep a 2nd cousins or further away rule). I don't understand autism disclosure as a defensive weapon.

People fear what they don't understand. I tell the them I am autistic so I no longer have to engage them in meaningless conversation.

 

[cory]

ha! got it. I'm sure that will fit in somewhere.

 

[WereBear]

People fear what they don't understand. I tell the them I am autistic so I no longer have to engage them in meaningless conversation.

I think it is definitely a culture issue: what culture are we disclosing to?

In college, where the basic mode is acceptance and accommodation, it can be a plus. In a family or peer group who treasures conformity, it would be held against us.

I told my boss because I would look like someone who is slacking off, otherwise. Why aren't I attending these optional social functions?

I agree it needs to be evaluated on a case by case basis.

 

[Chris Russell]

I lived in the middle of Missouri for 5 years so I understand inbred townies (Alexa says 80% of the site traffic is from Britain so if that's the case the middle of Missouri is very very white and I think they just keep a 2nd cousins or further away rule). I don't understand autism disclosure as a defensive weapon.

My life prior to diagnosis was pretty unhappy, so the urge to tell people that there was a reason for my behaviour, and that it wasn't just because I was a self-centred, thoughtless hard-ass, was difficult to suppress... I learned the hard way that there are situations when discretion should be used (I speak of employers, of course). People who find themselves in senior positions in organisations are not generally known for their empathetic and understand ways where employees are concerned, so tread carefully here... and don't underestimate the likelihood of some people feeling intimidated by you, your skills, your focus etc. Their own history will always get in the way of understanding for people like this, so it might be wise to get your fix of honest, grown-up interaction elsewhere...

BTW: I take it you mean 80% of the traffic on this site? I haven't even looked to see where this is hosted, but it has a peculiarly British feel to it, which is what attracted me. I'm no xenophobe - I just have a preference for well considered, well written, interesting posts. There seems to be a thread of over-emotional sensationalism running though posts on many of the American-hosted Autism sites that seems rather out of kilter with the idea of content provided by and for Autists, most of whom, I find, can't be arsed with this sort of thing. Interesting profile pictures and taglines also help create the impression that here I will find intelligent life and a damn good discussion - whoever is hosting it!

 

[cory]

Yes. Amazon's Alexa will tell you where traffic is coming from on a website. ~80% UK ~19% US ~1% other on this site. I just like to know where the people I am talking to are coming from. Some employers seek me out and pursue me as they know an aspie can be a valuable asset. Some dismiss and underestimate. I think i wear it on my sleeve so I don't desire or need disclosure. Except to a few close friends/family. I think it will help them understand me.

 

[Mary Terry]

Since the guy is a long term, good friend, I recommend you disclose to him. If he is a friend worth keeping, he will understand and educate himself about your disorder so he can continue to be your good friend.

I'm NT but have a non-speaking autistic nephew and his Aspergers mother. His mother never told my brother (her now deceased husband) that she has Aspergers although she was diagnosed years prior to their marriage. My brother suffered through hell with her, never understanding what was wrong with her, why she acted (or failed to act) as she did, and was in the process of divorcing her because of her aberrant behavior and malicious, abusive nature, when he unexpectantly and prematurely died. *** Had he KNOWN what the hell was the deal with her, he might have been able to continue the marriage and reduce the enormous stress caused by her undisclosed condition which, no doubt, contributed to his early death. I believe this because I witnessed his love, support and help to his profoundly autistic son. I'm also confident that he would never have had a child with her if he had known of the risk of having autistic child with her.

*** I am NOT saying all aspies are malicious or abusive. Most are loving, caring people. It's just that my family's personal experience with my Aspie sister-in-law has been horrible to the point that most family members will have nothing to do with her, to the great detriment of her son, my profoundly autistic nephew whom I love with all my heart and who so very much needs his NT family members to help him. His mother has proven herself incapable of doing it.

 

[Myway]

I would disclose information to people that are close to you and you trust. If he is close to you, then by all means tell. I tell my close people as well. It makes it easier for me if I tell sometimes. For me, people have been understanding to an extent. If they don't understand, then they research it. Disclosure can be a good thing at times.

 

[Chris Russell]

Yes. Amazon's Alexa will tell you where traffic is coming from on a website. ~80% UK ~19% US ~1% other on this site. I just like to know where the people I am talking to are coming from. Some employers seek me out and pursue me as they know an aspie can be a valuable asset. Some dismiss and underestimate. I think i wear it on my sleeve so I don't desire or need disclosure. Except to a few close friends/family. I think it will help them understand me.

Employers here are less switched on about Aspies (sadly). I've met a few who are happy to take full advantage, especially of our willingness to work extra hard/long and not nag to nag about money or holiday... I'm making point of telling people I don't know, just to put right misconceptions... It's surprising how much interest this actually shakes loose...

 

[alastairb]

Interesting reading; I've recently had an adult diagnosis of High Functioning Autism (apparently Aspergers is no longer, since DSM V). I've got problems with anxiety also, and a psychologist I see is encouraging me to be more open with the people I interact with. Not necessarily to go as far as disclosing the diagnosis, but to share how I can't filter out noise in the office, to say that I find it hard to participate in the social aspects of work, why I find situations so stressful etc. The rationale behind this is that closing the gap between who I am and the person I present would lessen my anxiety. I understand where she's coming from but suspect, as quite a few of you have confirmed, that my news might not be particularly well received!

 

[cory]

Not necessarily to go as far as disclosing the diagnosis, but to share how I can't filter out noise in the office, to say that I find it hard to participate in the social aspects of work, why I find situations so stressful etc. The rationale behind this is that closing the gap between who I am and the person I present would lessen my anxiety.

Yup this is the route I have chosen to take. And it's not just that particular friend. It's pretty much the people who I trust...I can still count them on one hand. I think there has been unintended "cognitive dissonance". Me trying to fit in and act normal most my life...not knowing that it's just the way I am. The people in my life I trust obosively know there is something different about me. So now I am talking about it.

 

[Chris Russell]

I have found something better. Don't know if you've seen me mention it in other threads, but I'm learning to use a brand of transactional analysis that's been designed specifically with Aspies in mind. It removes those barriers to understanding so that we can be understood by NTs, and that we can also can understand the NT perspective, but without having to conform to the NT world... It works. All I need are reasonable NT people who are willing to listen to the theory and give it a go, and amazing things happen... My anxiety is dropping because I'm no longer having to fit in - we are finding the common ground together and no-one need feel uncomfortable. It's like giving someone a little 'Aspie/NT translation App'. It's really remarkable. (And like many of us - I've tried most techniques/therapies/whatever in my lifetime and found them all wanting.) They're running an article about it, and the Psychotherapist who developed it, in "The Script" (The international Magazine for Transactional Analysis) soon... I'll be sure to post a link for those who are interested.

 

[alastairb]

I have found something better. Don't know if you've seen me mention it in other threads, but I'm learning to use a brand of transactional analysis that's been designed specifically with Aspies in mind. It removes those barriers to understanding so that we can be understood by NTs, and that we can also can understand the NT perspective, but without having to conform to the NT world... It works. All I need are reasonable NT people who are willing to listen to the theory and give it a go, and amazing things happen... My anxiety is dropping because I'm no longer having to fit in - we are finding the common ground together and no-one need feel uncomfortable. (It's like giving someone a little 'Aspie/NT translation App'. It's really remarkable. (And like many of us - I've tried most techniques/therapies/whatever in my lifetime and found them all wanting.) They're running an article about it, and the Psychotherapist who developed it, in "The Script" (The international Magazine for Transactional Analysis) soon... I'll be sure to post a link for those who are interested.

Please do. I'd like to take a look.

 

[Chris Russell]

Please do. I'd like to take a look.

Will do. Until it is published, here is a description of the course that the article is talking about - as it says, it's for everyone. (It can sound a little complicated, and indeed, it's development history is just that, but what is taught here is clear, accessible and useful.)

Details on the course
This course looks at personality, communication skills and relationships – focusing on supporting and developing people with Asperger’s Syndrome, or related Autistic Spectrum Conditions, their partners, parents and professional supporters. It teaches underlying communication characteristics and dynamics that neuro-typical (NT) people accommodate as being normal, but that people with Asperger's Syndrome don't intuitively learn as well.

The course details a form of psychology called Transactional Analysis, which is readily understandable, and that applies to all people including showing that:

• all neuro-typical people also have behavioural characteristics, which are learnt and continually updated, but key elements of which come from their growing up and the social cultures around them and these are reinforced through experience, but can be outside their awareness.
• all people on the spectrum have their continued experiences impacting their learning too - influenced by these same factors and also from the impact of their communication differences in the world. We intend to highlight that the worlds of people on the spectrum can be changed for the better by understanding these characteristics and dynamics.

Often with Asperger’s Syndrome, or other differences that impact on communication or relationship, the person with the condition is seen as being, or made out to be, the one that has “a problem”. The reality is that that both people have characteristics, but for the person with Asperger’s Syndrome some aspects are inherent and some can change with support.

The issue is much more about the quality of relationships, awareness and genuine seeking of resolutions. Supporting people to be all they can be is important and in reality, people with Asperger’s Syndrome can be huge talents. A key element of this course is that it is being conducted both by:

• a highly experienced and qualified Transactional Analysis trainer, with significant personal and professional experience of engaging with and supporting people on the spectrum and also;
• someone on the spectrum that has significant life experience and also a significant amount of training in this psychological domain.

It may be useful to know that we have awareness that the spectrum is very broad and people’s characteristics can be very varied – these models can be very useful in understanding why.

More details on Transactional Analysis are given by Peter at: Contact Point - About TA. Alternatively, please contact him directly about the course, which is also given at events on the same website: Contact Point - Events.

An extract about TA from the About-TA link above is given in the following section.

What is Transactional Analysis? Transactional Analysis, commonly called TA, is a way of looking at what goes on between people and inside people in order to help them to make changes. TA is useful in education, management, organisational change and development and in counselling and psychotherapy. TA counselling and psychotherapy in the 21st Century: offers an integration of Cognitive Behavioural, Gestalt, Psycho- dynamic, Relational and Transpersonal theory and practice in a humanistic psychotherapy using the TA core model of personality.

 

[cory]

Since the guy is a long term, good friend, I recommend you disclose to him. If he is a friend worth keeping, he will understand and educate himself about your disorder so he can continue to be your good friend.

I'm NT but have a non-speaking autistic nephew and his Aspergers mother. His mother never told my brother (her now deceased husband) that she has Aspergers although she was diagnosed years prior to their marriage. My brother suffered through hell with her, never understanding what was wrong with her, why she acted (or failed to act) as she did, and was in the process of divorcing her because of her aberrant behavior and malicious, abusive nature, when he unexpectantly and prematurely died. *** Had he KNOWN what the hell was the deal with her, he might have been able to continue the marriage and reduce the enormous stress caused by her undisclosed condition which, no doubt, contributed to his early death. I believe this because I witnessed his love, support and help to his profoundly autistic son. I'm also confident that he would never have had a child with her if he had known of the risk of having autistic child with her.

*** I am NOT saying all aspies are malicious or abusive. Most are loving, caring people. It's just that my family's personal experience with my Aspie sister-in-law has been horrible to the point that most family members will have nothing to do with her, to the great detriment of her son, my profoundly autistic nephew whom I love with all my heart and who so very much needs his NT family members to help him. His mother has proven herself incapable of doing it.

I understand you have had a bad experience with your sister-in-law not disclosing aspergers to your brother and I am sorry for that. You have no business bringing up this story to me. It has no relevance to my situation. You found something that reminded you of something in your past and you decided to vent. This is not your place. I'm asking advice on HOW to bring the subject up to my friends and family. I need to also know boundaries of who I can bring it up to. Its implicit in my statement that if I had a girlfriend or wife that she would be the first person I talked to. If you have to qualify a statement the way you did you know it is going to be or could be taken offensively.

 

[Chris Russell]

Interesting reading; I've recently had an adult diagnosis of High Functioning Autism (apparently Aspergers is no longer, since DSM V). I've got problems with anxiety also, and a psychologist I see is encouraging me to be more open with the people I interact with. Not necessarily to go as far as disclosing the diagnosis, but to share how I can't filter out noise in the office, to say that I find it hard to participate in the social aspects of work, why I find situations so stressful etc. The rationale behind this is that closing the gap between who I am and the person I present would lessen my anxiety. I understand where she's coming from but suspect, as quite a few of you have confirmed, that my news might not be particularly well received!

We tend to go by the WHO (World Health Organisation) definitions here in the UK, and not the DSM, so the Asperger diagnosis is still used. I don't think it would make any difference to me which name it was given, I was more concerned with having an answer that made sense... I've never really paid much attention to the issue of 'labels' - it seems something that would be of more interest to NTs than Autists, but we are forced to consider their implications because of how they are used and abused by other people. Unfortunately, only the very empathetic or very curious seem to bother to find out about what High-functioning Autism/Aspergers actually means, so inevitably, the majority remain in relative ignorance, and we all know what ignorance leads to...

 

[Chris Russell]

I understand you have had a bad experience with your sister-in-law not disclosing aspergers to your brother and I am sorry for that. You have no business bringing up this story to me. It has no relevance to my situation. You found something that reminded you of something in your past and you decided to vent. This is not your place. I'm asking advice on HOW to bring the subject up to my friends and family. I need to also know boundaries of who I can bring it up to. Its implicit in my statement that if I had a girlfriend or wife that she would be the first person I talked to. If you have to qualify a statement the way you did you know it is going to be or could be taken offensively.

Well done for your controlled response to what is a very hateful post. I had hoped that the this site was one that might not attract these kind of opportunists, but I suppose there's no escaping it... I admire your reserve, and I hope it serves to teach a little humility to the poster, who clearly knew exactly how offensive their post would be.

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. It was not my intent. Rather, I wanted to make the point that failure to disclose a ASD diagnosis to someone you are marrying and having children with is a bad idea. It is grossly unfair to the other person. In fact, an earlier aspie commentor on this thread said she felt like a fraud by not disclosing.

Many NTs visit this website in hopes of learning about their ASD relatives or friends. They ask questions and make comments to obtain potentially helpful information. Is that wrong? Is this website exclusively reserved for autistics and exclusive of all others?

 

[WereBear]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. It was not my intent. Rather, I wanted to make the point that failure to disclose a ASD diagnosis to someone you are marrying and having children with is a bad idea. It is grossly unfair to the other person. In fact, an earlier aspie commentor on this thread said she felt like a fraud by not disclosing.

Many NTs visit this website in hopes of learning about their ASD relatives or friends. They ask questions and make comments to obtain potentially helpful information. Is that wrong? Is this website exclusively reserved for autistics and exclusive of all others?

It was probably far more your statement that such disclosure would have derailed the marriage and not led to what you stated as the horrible outcome of a child with Autism.