Reasons why I don't get why I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a child

[Misty Avich]

Oh my bad, you clearly said you're a woman / were a girl LOL. I hadn't read any comments yet.

Yes, I didn't suddenly transform into the opposite sex lol.

Anyway, it's very unusual for females to be diagnosed in childhood if they have similar profile as what I wrote in my OP. I wasn't the stereotypical nor clueless Aspie at all and I didn't exactly have sensory overload. I just disliked sudden loud noises because I was a jumpy, nervous child.
I grew up in the 90s, and back then it was common for females to get missed. I wish I had. The minute I was diagnosed, Asperger's was basically shoved down my throat and I hated it. I guess I just hated having a label and I was treated differently, not because of the condition but because of the diagnosis. The diagnosis caused more grief in my life than the condition itself.

 

[vergil96]

But despite all that, I still don't feel autistic, if that makes sense?

Where did you get the idea that you have to? It’s normal to not identify with a medical condition that you have.

I've had a few of those come and go but usually with non-NT people or NT men who liked me

1. There is nothing wrong with having someone who is into you as a friend. If you’re attractive, it’s your strength. Make use of it.
2. People make friends with those who are similar to them. With whom they have things in common. If that is neurodiverse people for you, that’s fine and you can consider yourself successful at making friends.

When my same-age colleagues often made plans of social activities outside of work, I was never invited, even though I expressed that I enjoyed the things they were going to do. I was never even asked, and I didn't like to just invite myself. I felt so left out and hurt.

See 2. It wasn’t your crowd. People stick with those who are like them and with whom they have things to talk about. If you want to talk to someone about something, you talk to this person, if you have nothing interesting to talk about, you won’t remember about this person or won’t see the point in talking to them. So it seems like you hit the same wavelength with the people you talk about.

It also can be the case that you have a better time socialising with men, because they’re more direct and you seem quite direct too. Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of women prefer male friends for the lack of drama.

btw, youtube is good for DIY. You can find there how to do most repairs.

 

[Misty Avich]

Where did you get the idea that you have to? It’s normal to not identify with a medical condition that you have.

I was being bullied for it on another site. I'm not the one who decided to get myself assessed and diagnosed. I was forced assessments and diagnosis when I was only a helpless child, and it just never really fit, even though the adults thought so at the time.
But apparently it is wrong and bad to feel like this according to some horrible people.

See 2. It wasn’t your crowd. People stick with those who are like them and with whom they have things to talk about. If you want to talk to someone about something, you talk to this person, if you have nothing interesting to talk about, you won’t remember about this person or won’t see the point in talking to them. So it seems like you hit the same wavelength with the people you talk about.

I thought this was true, until one of them there got friendly with a young girl who was more like me personality-wise. She was shy, serious, a little awkward and didn't like smoking or drinking like they did. But one of them (a female) got friendly with her and met up a couple of times outside of work.
So it's probably just me who's hopeless.

It also can be the case that you have a better time socialising with men, because they’re more direct and you seem quite direct too. Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of women prefer male friends for the lack of drama.

btw, youtube is good for DIY. You can find there how to do most repairs.

I'm not as direct offline as I am online. I'm more on the emotional side offline, I don't mean crying but just seeing the world through an irrational and emotional way. The types of people who are often drawn to me are:-
- Sensitive
- Quirky
- Very empathetic/open-minded to all types
- Are guys who like (fancy) me
- Are non-NT and/or have low IQ

 

[vergil96]

I'm sorry for the delayed reply, I was busy and ill.

I was being bullied for it on another site.

It sounds really strange to me what these people believe. I haven't been a part of neurodivergent or other health-related communities online until recently and I have only talked about it with people IRL and I have never encountered the notion that you should identify with your medical conditions.

I'm also sorry that you were bullied, it shouldn't happen to anyone, I'm also sorry about your experience with having a label forced on you and to be a subject of negative stereotypes. It must have been an awful experience.

I thought this was true, until one of them there got friendly with a young girl who was more like me personality-wise. She was shy, serious, a little awkward and didn't like smoking or drinking like they did. But one of them (a female) got friendly with her and met up a couple of times outside of work.
So it's probably just me who's hopeless.

I don't know... it's most often hard to pin down what exactly makes someone like another person or... people use subjective criteria that are only clear for them, and probably why she liked her and not you has nothing to do with the traits that you describe or even that appear as important or clear to you or me or anyone who isn't this particular person. It doesn't mean you're hopeless, you two just subjectively didn't click.

The types of people who are often drawn to me are:-
- Sensitive
- Quirky
- Very empathetic/open-minded to all types
- Are guys who like (fancy) me
- Are non-NT and/or have low IQ

And that's totally okay. Maybe you're empathetic or can understand them better in what it's like to have a mind that doesn't work in a neurotypical way in a broader sense? I think I often click with the types of people you mention too, with all kinds of mental health conditions or quirky and sensitive, and I never questioned that - there is a shared experience. Other people perhaps share experiences football enthusiasts or those who like to go shopping. Or who like to party (definitely not me). It's not better or worse, it's just different, this is what friendship is about, I guess, it's something that you can't do the right or wrong way by definition or something that is supposed to give rest from competition and people just are together and talk about things they have in common rather than things that set them apart.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm sorry for the delayed reply, I was busy and ill.

No need to apologise lol. Hope you're feeling better.

It sounds really strange to me what these people believe. I haven't been a part of neurodivergent or other health-related communities online until recently and I have only talked about it with people IRL and I have never encountered the notion that you should identify with your medical conditions.

Yes. A lot of people can go misdiagnosed and so that can cause someone to not identify with their diagnosis. Or if they don't feel they fit the autism mould. I tried getting rediagnosed but they said they still felt I was on the spectrum but was PDD-NOS. I don't know, I still get confused. I thought PDD-NOS was the same as BAP.

I'm also sorry that you were bullied, it shouldn't happen to anyone, I'm also sorry about your experience with having a label forced on you and to be a subject of negative stereotypes. It must have been an awful experience.

That's a huge reason as to why I feel the way I do about it. It doesn't help when people care more about shaming and demonising me than to just understand (not referring to you, just the people who were nasty about me).

I don't know... it's most often hard to pin down what exactly makes someone like another person or... people use subjective criteria that are only clear for them, and probably why she liked her and not you has nothing to do with the traits that you describe or even that appear as important or clear to you or me or anyone who isn't this particular person. It doesn't mean you're hopeless, you two just subjectively didn't click.

I try to tell myself this. We did get along all right. Someone else at work who I confided in about this said that it's probably because I'm more mature than they are. I thought as an Aspie I am supposed to be immature? Or maybe that applies more to Aspie teens? I was immature for my age when I was a teenager. At 14 I was more like 9.

And that's totally okay. Maybe you're empathetic or can understand them better in what it's like to have a mind that doesn't work in a neurotypical way in a broader sense? I think I often click with the types of people you mention too, with all kinds of mental health conditions or quirky and sensitive, and I never questioned that - there is a shared experience. Other people perhaps share experiences football enthusiasts or those who like to go shopping. Or who like to party (definitely not me). It's not better or worse, it's just different, this is what friendship is about, I guess, it's something that you can't do the right or wrong way by definition or something that is supposed to give rest from competition and people just are together and talk about things they have in common rather than things that set them apart.

I like to think I'm empathetic too but that's also been doubted by these nasty people. I guess they don't understand the true definition of empathy and just use it to shame me further. They don't understand my feelings but I still wouldn't say they lack empathy because of it. They probably have empathy for other things.

 

[VictorR]

I grew up in the 90s, and back then it was common for females to get missed.

Most who grew up in the 90s were missed and didn't get their diagnosis (or self-identify) until they were adults - I had lots of obvious signs that some teachers had picked up on, but where I live, diagnosis while in the school system didn't become commonplace until the 2010s, and in the 1990s, very few were familiar with the spectrum.

 

[Misty Avich]

Most who grew up in the 90s were missed and didn't get their diagnosis (or self-identify) until they were adults - I had lots of obvious signs that some teachers had picked up on, but where I live, diagnosis while in the school system didn't become commonplace until the 2010s, and in the 1990s, very few were familiar with the spectrum.

Most, except me. I had to be an exception.

 

[vergil96]

No need to apologise lol. Hope you're feeling better.

TY

A lot of people can go misdiagnosed and so that can cause someone to not identify with their diagnosis.

Not only, tbh, for many people a health issue is just a health issue, not something to identify with.

Or if they don't feel they fit the autism mould. I tried getting rediagnosed but they said they still felt I was on the spectrum but was PDD-NOS. I don't know, I still get confused. I thought PDD-NOS was the same as BAP.

It's unclear to me too, tbh.

Well, you don't have to fit in with the community to have the symptoms. If that makes you feel better, I don't feel like I fit in either. For me that's just a bag of symptoms and I don't connect with the community. I tend to click with people who are neurodivergent in the broader sense, but I never saw it through the lens of not fitting in. I feel like taking care of others fulfills a large part of my social needs and that always made sense to me, because introverts are known to be more family-oriented that popularity-oriented, and I feel like I fit the mold of introversion. Not in a no social needs way, but preferring a few better friends to a lot of more superficial friends. (I'm not saying you have to identify with introversion, I think I remember you wrote you have tendencies for both introversion and extroversion) But my point being, I get the impression that you have ways of socializing that you find fulfilling, but feel like it's not okay or not normal. But it's perfectly normal what you describe. And it's valuable. You don't have to fit in with most people, nobody does, just in different ways that aren't obvious at first sight. If you have neurodivergent friends and acquaintances, so be it. A friend is a friend and I guarantee average friends aren't any better.

That's a huge reason as to why I feel the way I do about it. It doesn't help when people care more about shaming and demonising me than to just understand (not referring to you, just the people who were nasty about me).

*sends ghost hug*
I feel you about it. You don't deserve it. I sometimes have similar communication issues that I fail to make the impression that I would want to and accidentally offend someone when trying to describe I have no practice talking about. I don't know about you, but I learn with experience, but finding the right wording on the go isn't easy at all.

Someone else at work who I confided in about this said that it's probably because I'm more mature than they are. I thought as an Aspie I am supposed to be immature? Or maybe that applies more to Aspie teens? I was immature for my age when I was a teenager. At 14 I was more like 9.

Yeah, I was immature up to a point too, but it doesn't work completely like this for adults, there are no timelines any more and most people reach some kind of peak about 22 or 25 and stay there. Personally, I feel like I'm gathering more information along the way, I'm still developing personality-wise and I'm heading to a different point. I identify with being a highly sensitive person, so... I'm more introspective than most people are, that can read as more mature. Also, I know quite a few aspies that I would call more mature than others and who would follow a similar pattern, of being more introspective. I guess what people often refer to as being mature is being introspective? Or what do you think this person meant?

I guess they don't understand the true definition of empathy and just use it to shame me further.

To me it looks like a communication issue, if it looks like in the other thread. Some people are quick to assign intentions or personality traits to actions, while there are a few possible reasons behind a behavior. One of them being just a mistake or acting on an impulse.

They don't understand my feelings but I still wouldn't say they lack empathy because of it. They probably have empathy for other things.

Agreed.

Most, except me. I had to be an exception.

I feel you on that. I still have a hard time getting some psycholoogical and medical problems addressed and getting the right diagnoses, because I don't fit in with what most people are like. Not for any particular reason, just my set of traits and issues in combination is rare enough to not get recognized.

 

[Misty Avich]

My AS diagnosis process was horrendous. I don't think I would have been diagnosed if I hadn't of displayed out of character behaviour on my first day of school. But I feel that behaviour was due to other factors, such as ADHD, being a highly sensitive child, and being partially deaf due to chronic glue ear that kept returning. But since that rough first day of school, I was watched, observed, like a bug under a microscope. Every single move I made was noted down and turned into a problem instead of just normal behaviour of a 4-year-old. I settled in after a couple of weeks, and although I still felt anxious at school, I seemed to fit in with my classmates all right. I remember feeling like I belonged, the only thing that made me a bit different was my overthinking (anxiety) and being behind on certain things such as reading and writing, and I found classwork difficult and needed some help to keep up. That's it.
But for the next 4 years I was closely monitored, the other kids cottoned on that the adult sitting in the corner of the classroom was there to observe me and I soon felt singled out, especially after I'd got the diagnosis, which was Asperger's syndrome at the time.
But it was all stressful, not just for me but for my parents. They were forced into getting me assessed and diagnosed and were basically threatened by social services that if they denied any support or diagnoses for me then me and my siblings would be taken away.

So it was all stressful and something me and my family could have done without. It wasn't simple for me, it wasn't just an answer that explained everything, because it wasn't for me. But from 8 years old onwards it's like Asperger's was my middle name, always having to be brought up and mentioned by family to everyone they met. My sister has NVLD (never officially diagnosed but never been non-verbal) but nobody ever brought that up. It was just me, the different one, the one with the fancy label. I hated it. And I still hate it to this day. But it's now hard to hate it without offending others on the spectrum. It's not fair.