Selfish and cold?

[MaverlyBanks]

I draw a distinction between being perceived as cold, and actually not caring. Obviously you do care. Your quandary is, is it worth the trouble to modify how you present yourself.

At work it's not a big deal.

Your mom is not a big deal.

Things may be fine with your girlfriend. She's the only one that really matters. And I have no idea what's going on in her head.

 

[King_Oni]

I've heard those words used against me quite a lot. Yet I can't see why for most part.

People mistake me being rational about a situation as being cold. Yes, I do get angry (or any other emotion) at times, but I'm not bothered by it that much physically. I'd rather set my mind to "how do I overcome this situation". Crying over something never progressed (at least with me). So yes, people think I'm cold. If it involves emotional situations by others, it's more of a "what would a social person do?" rather than a "I feel for you"... cause no, I don't feel that much emotional bonding over how someone feels. If for example a friends pet dog died, then yes, I can imagine that he's upset or anything about it and would probably portray a specific behaviour. If I were with him, should the same response be triggered by me? I find it rather weird actually... so people showing sympathy through behaviour towards others just looks more like a social thing to do than a rational and logical one actually... (unless you try the road of "well, it is logics to indulge on that behaviour to fit in with a group")

As for being selfish... is selfish defined as "you think about yourself?" or "you dont' share anything?". In most cases I do actually think about myself, but if it involves other people it kinda goes the "what's the most practical and efficient"-route. I can think about other people a lot, yet it's by no way a situation where I forget myself. But actually, the thing that bothers me the most about a discussion on how selfish someone is, is that some of those are started by people who are so not-self-centered, that they would put their own life in danger to help others... and it makes me wonder, what can you possibly tell me that justifies that irrational behaviour over mine?

If it's a material thing... I can share, I love to share stuff. When a friend of mine used to come over I probably went through the hassle of saving stuff on my computer and stuff like that, so I could show him that, only if it were for that purpose (but that's because he's not that much into the digital era actually and I sometimes just knew he'd like to hear for instance, this new band and he wouldn't search for it himself). For food I'm the same... yes, I do want to eat till I had enough, but I'm fine with sharing. For moneyterms, I don't have a problem in paying for a friends food or anything (and I don't make a problem out of just paying rather than wanting it back some time).

I guess I can say I'm selfish enough though to not want any pets or kids. And as for, a partner someone whose idea of a relationship doesn't involve me 24 hours a day. But really, is being selfish the same as "not wanting someone to be dependant on you"?

A final thing... being selfish isn't wrong, as long as you are aware of it and work with/around it. (though it doesn't help that not all situations are that keen on you trying to work and deal with the selfish you). Or, to put it this way; If I try to make the best out of my own life, with all thoughts, ideas and "issues" I might have, why should other people still adress me on those issues. I know my shortcomings for most, and the reason I didn't fix them is because it works for me. And also, as long you don't have any children (or other people that are depending on you), you're actually living life for yourself, not others... and it gets really ugly if people expect you to change your personal "reason to live".

 

[Mr Faramoose]

Yes, SO many times! But only by people with a lack of understanding of me. Family tell me I'm in fact very unselfish and a lovely guy, other people who don't really know me tell me I'm weird, awkward and I do strange facial expressions. I think it's a problem to do with logical thinking. Like if I get asked to go into a night club because that's what people my age like to do, and if I don't go it makes me selfish because I'm not considering others.:rolleyes2: But my logical thinking, when I am in that club, is oh my gosh, everyone is just dancing to the music, why is everyone looking at me, I'm just standing here besides the group, motionless, should I dance? Why am I here I hate this! Now I think, logically, it is selfish of the people who asked me to join them to force me to do so, because I hate being in that place whereas they love it and find enjoyment. I just find it mentally draining. So surely I'm not the selfish one? My view would be, aspies in general, perhaps we come across as self centered and appear to lack empathy because we do not communicate as easily as other people do, and maybe also because many people do not understand us they find the idea of us hating going to social places or doing social things that they love intolerable illogical so they think we're lying and being selfish. Only people close to me who know me well know I am not really selfish or cold as you say, it's just my way of communicating that gives that appearance. Perhaps it is the same for you?

 

[Megan]

Have you ever been called selfish, cold and such?

I've been called selfish and cold by one person. He said I was like a robot because I didn't show emotion as much as he did. He was super emotional. He thought I was selfish because I put my well-being first in my decision to end our friendship. I think he expected me to put up with him and continue talking to him often even though it made me miserable. It's not like I was mean to him, I just distanced myself from him. Is that so wrong? He would go on these emotional tangents and become angry because he didn't like my responses to them. If he didn't like half of what I said, then he should have stopped talking to me. Or, he should have at least stopped expecting something from me that wasn't going to happen. He thought I was selfish for wanting to listen to music and sleep on the bus instead of listen to him talk. If it's selfish of me to not want to constantly talk with somebody I really dislike, then by all means, I'm selfish.

 

[Mr Faramoose]

that sounds like someone i know, almost like you must do whatever that person wants or in his eyes you're selfish.. it works both ways! Why should you have to listen to him talk instead of doing what you want? Doesn't make you selfish just means the other person is quite... oblivious to how his actions impact on you thinks everyone should do as he says

 

[ravendragonwing]

I used to get called selfish a lot, but with my diagnosis the people I care about know that I usually cannot help it, and if pointed out I can explain.
I can never see it, in fact I see NTs as being the selfish ones (just watch how they drive or get in line, always the first to try and squeeze in rather than take their turn), but they get upset when you point it out.

 

[AspieRogue]

Never been told that I'm cold. Selfish? Yes. I'm very intense and aggressive(not to mention controlling) and the complete opposite of Pedro. And that ladies and gentlemen, seems to scurr off wimminz.

 

[SallySlips]

People mistake me being rational about a situation as being cold. Yes, I do get angry (or any other emotion) at times, but I'm not bothered by it that much physically. I'd rather set my mind to "how do I overcome this situation". Crying over something never progressed (at least with me).

This, all the time. Especially with my husband because he comes to me for advice about most things. But sometimes he just wants me to listen, and I don't get that. In my mind, it's better to fix the problem than to wallow in your woes. Fixing it is absolutely the more productive option. I really do feel for him, but if I have a solution then why not offer it? That upsets him sometimes and I try to modify my response, but I still feel like acting rationally is the more sensible thing to do.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I got accused of that once. I was always an emotional outburst person, but as a young adult I got sick of that. I read that book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and I just got really annoyed that I had so much trouble talking calmly about things, or be embarrassed about things that needed to be talked about. So I tried to calmly state my case during a heated problem with my parents. In my mind I was trying to get us to deal with it a better way. But my mom was so upset and she said to my dad, "she's cold. Look at her, she's cold and she doesn't care." Actually, it was my caring that prompted me to the hard work of self control and a quiet voice.

I know what it feels like to just want someone to listen to me, and not offer soloutions unless I ask for them. It makes me feel like they think the problem is my fault, and it's easily solved, when often it is not an easy fix and their soloution was already tried. I am guilty of doing it to other people though.

 

[Aalo]

With me, I don't have trust issues but I can appear to have some. I feel like emotions like love and openness will already leave you in a vunerable position, but with so many misunderstandings and things blown out of proportion (in my eyes anyhow), I often find myself rather timid to express them readily.

I can concur on that. I've been accused of being cold and reserved by my parents but never from my friends or boyfriends that truly know how I act in different situations. I can't really tell if trust issues is a condition of being desperately untrusting or just that you don't by default want to be relying on everyone else. I don't think that every person will just defy and betray me at any given second, but that doesn't make me want to find out their motives every time there's even a little change.
And maybe the second thing affecting on this image people get of me is that I don't need big emotions like having the need to fall in love so that the whole world would know about it. But it doen't mean that I wouldn't care for someone really much. I have no idea how people perceive these things.

Selfishness is not that big of a problem as I've learned to tell about my hope of people being capable of taking care of their selves (so that I could concentrate on taking care of myself only) in a way that sound like a quote from Dalai lama.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I've been called both. Selfish by men - usually because I don't put their every whim ahead of my needs, and cold - usually by women because I am uninterested in listening to every complaint they have. My mother can and does go on and on about silly things, so at some point I stop listening. I know it matters to her, but I can't help it, my eyes start to glaze over. And some past boyfriends assumed that everything they want should be what I want, like I have no dreams and ambitions of my own. I don't think I am either. I do care, but I can't care about everything to everyone. My mind and heart already feels cluttered. I can be hyper-sensitive and I need to filter sometimes or I get over-whelmed.

 

[Divrom]

I do care, but I can't care about everything to everyone. My mind and heart already feels cluttered. I can be hyper-sensitive and I need to filter sometimes or I get over-whelmed.

That's a great way to put it.

Those 3 points need to be explained to every NT.

 

[Nolan1971]

I think the thing that annoys me the most is when people assume you don't care because they sense no outward emotional response!
I can be very emotional or logical & seemingly cold but I always care! I prove it through my actions not my responses.

 

[Aalo]

When NT sees unfortuned person it is an obligation to imply their overwhelming sadness and frustration over society, with words as unconstructive as possible, and then move on. But if you work on to any level better those structures of society but don't express openly your sadness about everything you see (because you truly would have to do that all the time, not just on certain occasions), you are cold and useless.
Yes, "there, there" does not really help anyone, but solidarity is important they say.
It feels little immature to me to sort situations like that, giving your sense sorrow to some but not all.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Here's en interesting poem related to difficulty in expressing oneself in ways others understand Inner Aspie: The Words Get Stuck

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think this has a lot to do with facial expressions and body language.

 

[Aalo]

I think this has a lot to do with facial expressions and body language.

I was once told that I seem like unfortunate event itself meant none for me, but as I'd got afraid and disgusted about peoples reactions of it. I don't doubt that, sadly.

Funny, I've almost never in any given situation had words stuck. I could reason sociological or mechanical structures that have caused the situation, but as I've learned people commonly aren't interested of that kind of speeches, it'd better to shut up and smile or turn away. It can feel really bad to be forced to not to participate. I'm not either telling everyone to stop crying. In a way I'm more understanding than them, because I'm not forcing them to go against their ways. But it always stays unnoticed.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I am called one or both of these descriptors fairly frequently. At this point in my life, I have stopped caring about what others think of me, which is a selfish and cold thing to do. So I guess they are right!

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

I've been called both. I didn't agree at the time and the accuser did not elaborate, but in hindsight I can see how my actions may have been perceived that way. Do ensure that the accuser explains why they find you cold and selfish. Sometimes I have acknowledged that my accuser is upset and have promised not to do whatever I did again, but it wasn't until I experienced inconsideration in a different way from someone else that I was able to understand why my accuser was upset. Being able to acknowledge someone else's hurt feelings, even if you don't understand them, is important to maintain relationships.

 

[dwc780]

I've been called cold a few times, given my compartmentalizing of emotional turmoil and typically emotional subjects, preferring to deal with them in my own way, at my own time, typically away from anyone else (save a handful of very close friends and family). Selfish is one I don't think I've ever been called. I've actually been told I am way too selfless for my own good, especially dealing with people I care about.