Small talk (Do you hate it?)

[Ylva]

xkcd: Weather

Polite conversation should involve knowledge exchange.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Polite conversation should involve knowledge exchange.

That sounds extremely exhausting. "Knowledge exchange" is supposed to happen at school or at work. I don't wanna have to put on my thinking cap. Small talk is supposed to be fun.

 

[Judge]

That sounds extremely exhausting. "Knowledge exchange" is supposed to happen at school or at work. I don't wanna have to put on my thinking cap. Small talk is supposed to be fun.

Perpetuating small talk is like having my teeth pulled. Like being asked to go from point "A" to point "B" but remaining only in first gear. I can do it for a time, but it's anything but comfortable.

 

[Ylva]

That sounds extremely exhausting. "Knowledge exchange" is supposed to happen at school or at work. I don't wanna have to put on my thinking cap. Small talk is supposed to be fun.

It could just be knowledge of X-men traded for some history trivia, I guess? The point is that there is a point to it.

 

[Judge]

It could just be knowledge of X-men traded for some history trivia, I guess? The point is that there is a point to it.

Exactly. Why communicate if one has nothing to say? It makes no sense. Unless there IS a point to it all.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

"Fun" doesn't always have to make sense. Of course I'm going to think the opposite from you guys about small talk cause I'm NT. I think that's funny.

 

[Judge]

"Fun" doesn't always have to make sense.

No argument there. Only the argument in what actually constitutes "fun" to begin with.

 

[Progster]

I've never liked small talk. When I was in my late teens I began to notice that my classmates would look at me, smile, say "hi, how are you" and then spend the rest of the day ignoring me, and this seemed at the time very superficial and hypocritical - why bother at all to come up and talk to me if you don't like me and are going to spend the rest of the time ignoring me? It seemed to serve no function. I began to resent it so much that I would actively avoid my classmates so I wouldn't have to engage in this "hi how are you" spiel. So I hung around on my own until it was time to go into class.

Now I understand that it does actually serve a function, as a social lubricant or a way of establishing contact as others have mentioned. Other people seem to expect it and need it, and often consider you rude if you don't engage, so I tolerate it and make some effort in order to be polite, even if it feels phony. I have learnt small talk to a certain extent, but certainly no expert: I find it hard to initiate and often can't think of things to say beyond the standard weather topic. I think that the issue is that I tend to see and use talking as a means of information exchange rather than a means of socialising.

I dislike friendly teasing just as much as i dislike small talk. I can never tell if someone is being serious, somewhat serious or purely joking! Same with joking actually. I usually take it as being completely serious and end up thinking someone is mad at me which then upsets me and predisposes me to shutting down if someone doesn't speak up. Which almost never happens. Even if they make it overly obvious and i pick up on it i never know how to respond so i just stand there awkwardly until the conversation moves on.

Totally agree with this, banter is extremly difficult for me and a lot of hard work. It's one thing I never managed to learn, I think because it's spontaneous and has no set script.

xkcd: Weather

Polite conversation should involve knowledge exchange.

Agreed.

That sounds extremely exhausting. "Knowledge exchange" is supposed to happen at school or at work. I don't wanna have to put on my thinking cap. Small talk is supposed to be fun.

But thinking and exchanging knowledge are fun!

 

[Vinca]

Making small talk doesn't come naturally to me, it takes a huge amount of mental gymnasticsc and energy. I really want to connect with people though and as small talk is such a big part of that I try really hard to find patterns that I can relate to and assimilate, as it's the only way I know to make sense of small talk and to improve.

Complimenting the person on something they're wearing or their hair, etc. is also a great opening line. Try to stick to a topic that surrounds how you are meeting the person - like me asking what brought you to this site? Since Kari works at store another good opening topic is asking someone about what they are purchasing - what is it that they like about that item or food?

A lady once made a positive comment on my hair, including a comment that suggested to me that she thought my hair looked different from usual, so I explained, matter-of-factly, that I had washed and rinsed my hair twice, whereas I usually only washed and rinsed my hair once, and that accounted for the difference. It made perfect sense to me to answer in that fashion, however I had a funny feeling that it wasn't quite the correct way of replying to the compliment. As you have mentioned complimenting someone on their hair, Grumpy Cat, I wondered if you might have an idea as to how to respond to such a comliment? Do I just say thank you? It always seems like just saying thank you and not elaborating in some way, brings the conversation to a stop.

 

[Judge]

Making small talk doesn't come naturally to me, it takes a huge amount of mental gymnasticsc and energy.

Yes- it requires a kind of improvisation I simply don't possess. At least not in terms of communication.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

As you have mentioned complimenting someone on their hair, Grumpy Cat, I wondered if you might have an idea as to how to respond to such a comliment? Do I just say thank you? It always seems like just saying thank you and not elaborating in some way, brings the conversation to a stop.

Someone complimented me just last night on my hair. I have this "updo" thingie where I put my hair up a certain way that everyone seems to see as elegant. Go figure.

Anyway, I usually say "Thanks" then followup with how I do it or what I use to make it turn out that way. Last night I said "Thanks! It only takes me 5 minutes to do too. I pull up all my hair and bring it forward and clip it with an updo clip I got from Amazon (of course) and brush my hair back to cover the clip then secure with two pins and spray hairspray until my hair is totally glued to my head!" And that is how small talk is done "Angie" style.

 

[cargenx75]

I do this, but I always get weird looks and the ummmms. So I know I'm doing SOMETHING wrong, but I don't know what!

 

[zurb]

Someone complimented me just last night on my hair. I have this "updo" thingie where I put my hair up a certain way that everyone seems to see as elegant. Go figure.

Anyway, I usually say "Thanks" then followup with how I do it or what I use to make it turn out that way. Last night I said "Thanks! It only takes me 5 minutes to do too. I pull up all my hair and bring it forward and clip it with an updo clip I got from Amazon (of course) and brush my hair back to cover the clip then secure with two pins and spray hairspray until my hair is totally glued to my head!" And that is how small talk is done "Angie" style.

Sorry, I can't take in the verbal instructions. Please post a pic of what it looks like in the Post a pic of yourself thread

 

[grommet]

Exactly. Why communicate if one has nothing to say? It makes no sense. Unless there IS a point to it all.

Exactly. I have felt this way all my life and I am always confused by small talk. It frightens and makes me angry because though words are used, they don't mean anything. No real question is being asked. If they aren't really interested, why ask? This is a waste of time. I understand the use of small talk. A way of checking to see each persons disposition so you can decide if they are safe or dangerous. If they are known to you, what mood are they in? There are many more details that can be gathered in the exchange but I take questions literally. For example when somebody asks me what kind of line I installed on the crane and I say, because it is accurate, 3/8 Amsteel SK79. Their eyes glaze over. Well, why ask me then? It's rope. If that's all you wanted to know you could just look at it and figure that out. Maybe I get asked, how strong is it? Dumb question because they don't know what they are talking about. I will tell them it has a SWL (Safe Working Load) of more than 800lbs. "Oh, it can lift 800lbs?" Well, no and yes. It has a breaking strength of about 5,700lbs with a SWL of around 800.

If I have lost anyone reading this, it's the same with the people who ask me these questions. I worked hard to know my materials, a lot of study and practice. I'm also aspie so small talk about a subject that is very important to me is, well, it feels awful. I lie a lot to make it easier but I hate lying. They end up feeling better and I feel like a liar all day.

Going to aspie support meetings, we don't have small talk like that. People are usually quiet or very specific when they speak. That makes sense to me, it is natural for me. The NT world of questions and not caring about the answers makes me so frustrated.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm also aspie so small talk about a subject that is very important to me is, well, it feels awful.

Why does it make you feel awful? The person is actually trying to engage in a "light" conversation about something you love to talk about. That's a good thing. A "light" conversation is a way to converse in language that everyone can understand, but still talk about people's interests and keep them active in a conversation. Like you said, it took you a long time to know what you know about your "specialty" and people want to "small talk" with you about it because they know it interests you, but they don't want to specialize in it like you do.

 

[Judge]

Why does it make you feel awful? The person is actually trying to engage in a "light" conversation about something you love to talk about. That's a good thing. A "light" conversation is a way to converse in language that everyone can understand, but still talk about people's interests and keep them active in a conversation. Like you said, it took you a long time to know what you know about your "specialty" and people want to "small talk" with you about it because they know it interests you, but they don't want to specialize in it like you do.

Rationalizing small talk from an NT perspective doesn't alter our neurological reality that we simply don't process it like you do. That for us it can be like trying to follow building a piece of IKEA furniture without the instructions. The more you say, the less we may comprehend because the process itself is inherently alien to us in terms of communication.

That we may get lost in such a conversation, mentally groping and sometimes panicking just trying to think of what to say. What you must understand is that it isn't just a preference for us. It's a neurological process that can't necessarily be overcome with a simple rationalization from an NT perspective. And if we begin to appear awkward, it's even more uncomfortable. You don't have to understand why, but just understand it can and does happen, even with the best of intentions on the part of those initiating small talk.

Now just imagine trying to go out on a date with someone you really don't know under such circumstances. For you it may be fun. For us it might be agony. Imagine if your only "tools" to sustain a conversation under such circumstances were "fight or flight".

Welcome to OUR world.

 

[grommet]

You do not understand. If you were aspie I think you would not ask this question. You really do not understand.

Why does it make you feel awful? The person is actually trying to engage in a "light" conversation about something you love to talk about. That's a good thing. A "light" conversation is a way to converse in language that everyone can understand, but still talk about people's interests and keep them active in a conversation. Like you said, it took you a long time to know what you know about your "specialty" and people want to "small talk" with you about it because they know it interests you, but they don't want to specialize in it like you do.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Rationalizing small talk from an NT perspective doesn't alter our neurological reality that we simply don't process it like you do. That for us it can be like trying to follow building a piece of IKEA furniture without the instructions. The more you say, the less we may comprehend.

That we may get lost in such a conversation, mentally groping and sometimes panicking just trying to think of what to say. What you must understand is that it isn't just a preference for us. It's a neurological process that can't necessarily be overcome with a simple rationalization. And if we begin to feel or look awkward, it's even more uncomfortable.

I get that, Judge. My point is to let Grommet know that the NT person is trying to do a good thing in their mind. I don't understand the need for lying.

I don't process a lot of the topics some Aspies talk about here because they are too involved, but I just know my limits. If I were talking to the person face to face, I usually would just say I don't understand all the in's and out's of the subject. If they want to try to explain it then fine, but that doesn't always help either. I don't see a need to lie or coverup that I don't understand. A lot of you guys are way smarter than me about a lot of things and I don't hold it against you. I try to contribute what I know whenever I can and pull what information I can get from people here, but I wouldn't want anyone to feel bad about not understanding something I say and I'm not going to feel bad about myself because I can't comprehend what someone else is saying.

 

[grommet]

... Now just imagine trying to go out on a date with someone you really don't know under such circumstances. For you it may be fun. For us it might be agony. Imagine if your only "tools" to sustain a conversation under such circumstances were "fight or flight".

Welcome to OUR world.

Yes, yes, yes. Listen to Judge. Judge understands. When I am with an aspie and they tell me something, I say okay. I don't try to understand, I accept that is how they need things to be. I understand that because I am aspie and there are some things I need to be a certain way and it probably won't make sense to someone else but aspies understand it doesn't matter. Aspies accept aspies. (this may not always be true but I am having strong feelings)

My ex girlfriend was aspie and sometimes she would stop talking and I knew, she could not talk. I did not bother her about it, I waited for her. Sometimes I would tell her, stop, when I could not her more words because I had too much information in my head. She would stop talking and she never got mad, she always understood.

I think being aspie is like traveling to foreign countries and just accepting the culture wherever you are. Aspies accept aspies and it seems that NT's alway want us to change. Why? This is who we are, we have autism. Also, we are not hurting anyone so who cares? At the aspie support group I went to we only had one rule governing behavior, you could not be disruptive to the group. Some people never spoke, not in years of meetings. Some never looked at anyone when the spoke, never. Some tapped things. One guy next to me used to draw and another person took lots of notes. I could correct all of them so that everyone acted "normal" but why? We all got along very well. I liked it very much that we could be ourselves and even though that meant we were quite different, we all accepted each other and still talked to and supported each other on being autistic.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You do not understand. If you were aspie I think you would not ask this question. You really do not understand.

No, I guess I don't then.

But I hope people aren't thinking of me like this whenever I ask a question here that I don't know.

Dumb question because they don't know what they are talking about.