Small Talk (How much does it bother you?)

[Fridgemagnetman]

I don't like it when people say "Hi how are you?" when they don't care how I am and don't want to know. I've given up in the main on small talk because it's a big factor in making social activity uncomfortable for me. To connect I try to think of something I really do wish to know about a person or talk about whatever has occurred to me at the time. Social interaction in public usually doesn't go very well for me, I notice people looking/sounding uncomfortable and moving away, but now I feel a lot better about it.

Hi, how are you?

 

[Mike Stouffer]

Know what you mean, ran a small tattoo studio a few years back and had to communicate in two different ways. One, as an artist putting something on someone was important to get into their head a little bit. Get on the same page of the artwork. Things like thickness of lines, lettering being too small.

Once the work started I learned that a lot of people like nothing more than to talk about their lives, issues, challenges. I tune in when it's concerning their journey into what the tattoo means or represents, but also a lot of 'yep' 'weathers been crazy' type of stuff. Find some possible shared interests often opens the door to more. Good post.

 

[Questella]

I have a memo section on my phone labelled 'conversations' which is literally sentences I think of to say. I also stay awake at nights 'scripting' their possible responses too... good grief that sounds crazy even writing that down...
I also just requested these books from the library. I read the reply and thought "YES! GOLD" a cheat sheet on how to interact with people! I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but until I read them, a girl can dream...

No I exactly do this too, for work, I just can't bring myself to care if I'm not getting paid for it.

 

[Questella]

Yeah...when you start speaking to a new person you are then obligated to speak to them every time you see them even if you have nothing in common or like them. Sucks. What's the trick to not letting it get to us? Smile, nod, move on....

oops I've totally missed this rule. lmao it's just so hard to care and if I'm out shopping or whatever I'm focused on what I'm doing I can't stop to talk to every person I know and despise it if someone comes up to me to chitterchat, like, "Hello??? I'm doing something." I do have to avoid certain stores, such as Wal-Mart, it is not possible to go in Wal-Mart without something stopping me because the know me.

 

[Grandmother B]

I had to do extensive research and read many books on making stupid conversation with people for my work. It helps if you can remember things about them, like if they have kids, the kids age, kids activities, generally people like to talk about their kids a lot. Also hobbies of theirs, basically just let them ramble on while going, "yeah, uh-huh, oh so fascinating, tell me more." I can never remember tidbits about people unless I talk to them many times.

Also I don't watch any sports (unless you count pole-championships because those are just cool) or tv really. I watch like Star Trek, stuff from the Disney channel mostly, Sherlock. But I don't have cable to any tv channels at all, ever since they changed the way TV works and you can't hook up a basic antenna to a old tv I just gave up, there's too many commercials anyways, which are cool the first time you watch them but after the 1000th time I want to kick the TV. Stay away from Politics, even if you're trying to be funny because it's all so stupid they just won't get it. It's weird but some people really, really, really like Trump, weird right?

Oh another thing people like to talk about if they do it is traveling, you can get somebody to go on and on about traveling. My job actually requires a bit of small talk to get people to pay me for my time, if it wasn't for me getting paid I'd never do it. If you talk to somebody that really like sports even if you don't care you can get them to tell you all about them, they might really like trying to educate you about them, lol so I do that a lot. The other girls think I really should learn about them for real but I just can't care and people like to tell me about them from my standpoint of knowing nothing because them from their viewpoint everything they say is solid gold since I have no opinions that go against their favorites etc.

You are a smart cookie! People love to talk about themselves! If you are a good listener, you might not have to say all that much.

 

[Grandmother B]

oops I've totally missed this rule. lmao it's just so hard to care and if I'm out shopping or whatever I'm focused on what I'm doing I can't stop to talk to every person I know and despise it if someone comes up to me to chitterchat, like, "Hello??? I'm doing something." I do have to avoid certain stores, such as Wal-Mart, it is not possible to go in Wal-Mart without something stopping me because the know me.

I am NT and I also hate the stopping in Walmart thing. I have found that a few words is sufficient. I then begin to move away, and say, "Nice seeing you," or something like that and they usually let me go. Good luck.

 

[Grandmother B]

Ugh .. I feel exactly the same.
I can't understand the mind games either.
If someone has a pet I'm usually ok as I'm interested in animals, but kids? Nup. Sport? Nup. When I was in an office environment it was mandatory to participate in "Footy Tipping" each week. I failed. As I didn't follow a team or care one way or the other and couldn't stand having to select a team each week, I made a yearly selection in the first round - thus not considering the ladder, player injuries as the year wore on, etc. Apparently that is not how it is 'done' and I failed the social aspect of it all beautifully. The idea was not just to 'tip' but to chat about the games and associated jargon. Bor-ing.

I agree with other replies here to find something vaguely interesting about the other person if nothing actually interesting crops up.
Pets, hobbies, books, movies... raise something you have just enjoyed. Ask if they have ever seen/done something similar... that sort of thing.
Always put the conversation back on them. I have found that most people like to talk about themselves and their opinions and don't really give two hoots what you have to say or think. It's all about them. Play on that.

I would have just said, "I don't follow the games" and let them think what they will.

 

[abby normal]

I do small talk much better than big talk.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I would have just said, "I don't follow the games" and let them think what they will.

It ended up the same result ... but I was trying to be sociable and not wind up ostracised further. They hated me anyway; I couldn't hide my contempt and apathy towards their meaningless and puerile lives. Sigh.

 

[radasp]

Social typical people crave attention, so if they speak to you at all, just say something "flattering" like, How creative! I never would have thought to make peanut butter sandwiches for lunch! That is, be sarcastic (How creative!) but make it sound like a compliment. Useful words: Fantastic! Brilliant! How cute! Adorable! Prettiest baby I've ever seen! I wish I'd thought of that! Anything that can be followed by an exclamation point!

 

[pax]

For crying out loud, just say what you mean!
Classic example:
Old aquaintance ,E, posts on social media that she needs recommendations for a tradesman to do a certain job. Myself and a few other literals, suggest it's a lot cheaper to buy the equipment and do it yourself.

The following posts go :
Friend 1 of E - Do you want to borrow mine?
E - Thanks can you drop it off next time I see you?
Friend 2 - Do it yourself, it's easy.
E - yes I've done it before.
Friend 3 - You're a big girl, borrow one and do it yourself.
Friend 4 - I can get you one

So what she's saying "Can you recommend a tradesman"
What she's meaning
"I need a specific piece of equipment to do a job. Despite being not short of a buck, I'm too cheap to buy my own, although it will be much cheaper than a tradesman in the long run. I'm actually looking to borrow equipment from someone, preferably for free, so I can do it myself, as I have done before. If you do it for me, preferably for free, that will be even better."

 

[Priti1968]

Hi everybody,

One of my main difficulties in social interaction is "small talk", it's something that feels so unnatural to me but it's a social convention that helps build connections with people, something which I also struggle with.

When I come into work on a Monday morning I ask people if they had a good weekend, and try to develop it into a conversation. My colleagues don't seem to do much after work during the week apart from watch television. I don't watch much television or follow any sport, I've tried, I can't get my head around it. Especially the following sport, surely it would be more fun to play the sport yourself rather than watch strangers play.

I've found that I refer to the weather quite a lot when I try and make small talk, which quickly kills conversation off.

Does anyone have any tips on making small talk with people??

I'm not on the spectrum but my advice is just be yourself. I prefer conversations of substance myself. Topics about nonsense and ******** also annoy me. I'm okay not talking to anyone if everyone in the room is just plain dumb. Every time I see a post on this forum my heart breaks because NTs as we are called are not all the same. Some of us do care and when I ask how are you-- I really want to know. If I don't care to know-- I don't ask. There are actually NTs in relationships with others on the spectrum like myself. I love my guy but it's tough. He has been hurt in the past so he is guarded. I'm not going to leave him just because things get tough. I love him that much so I give him his space. His texts sometimes cut like a blade but he can't sugar coat things. I understand so I try to not take offense. Again we are not all the same. If you don't feel like engaging in stupid talks don't. Don't force yourself to fit in just because society says so. Be yourself because I'm sure a like minded person will find you and become your friend. If you must engage because it's part of your job then just smile a lot at the nonsense. And yes people do love talking about themselves and TV shows. Never can understand the fascination with TV shows. Boring boring!! Now a great movie with a great message is something else. Much luck be with you. God bless and many hugs are sent your way.

 

[Questella]

For crying out loud, just say what you mean!
Classic example:
Old aquaintance ,E, posts on social media that she needs recommendations for a tradesman to do a certain job. Myself and a few other literals, suggest it's a lot cheaper to buy the equipment and do it yourself.

The following posts go :
Friend 1 of E - Do you want to borrow mine?
E - Thanks can you drop it off next time I see you?
Friend 2 - Do it yourself, it's easy.
E - yes I've done it before.
Friend 3 - You're a big girl, borrow one and do it yourself.
Friend 4 - I can get you one

So what she's saying "Can you recommend a tradesman"
What she's meaning
"I need a specific piece of equipment to do a job. Despite being not short of a buck, I'm too cheap to buy my own, although it will be much cheaper than a tradesman in the long run. I'm actually looking to borrow equipment from someone, preferably for free, so I can do it myself, as I have done before. If you do it for me, preferably for free, that will be even better."

omg that's just too much xD

Social typical people crave attention, so if they speak to you at all, just say something "flattering" like, How creative! I never would have thought to make peanut butter sandwiches for lunch! That is, be sarcastic (How creative!) but make it sound like a compliment. Useful words: Fantastic! Brilliant! How cute! Adorable! Prettiest baby I've ever seen! I wish I'd thought of that! Anything that can be followed by an exclamation point!

All of this, lol.

 

[savi83]

I don't like it when people say "Hi how are you?" when they don't care how I am and don't want to know.

It drives me crazy, why ask how I'm doing if you're not going to stop and chat whatever the response?

 

[savi83]

Slight tangent, I'm no longer on Facebook but one of the posts I used to see regularly are lost and found items such as wallets, phones, etc.

The post usually said something like I found this phone on the number 89 bus, share to help track the owner. Surely there's an easier and more logical way to report something like that such as the public transport's lost property or the police.

I don't know where the logic comes from that the owner will be someone they know!? (I understand the whole 7 degrees of separation theory, but still).

 

[Questella]

Slight tangent, I'm no longer on Facebook but one of the posts I used to see regularly are lost and found items such as wallets, phones, etc.

The post usually said something like I found this phone on the number 89 bus, share to help track the owner. Surely there's an easier and more logical way to report something like that such as the public transport's lost property or the police.

I don't know where the logic comes from that the owner will be someone they know!? (I understand the whole 7 degrees of separation theory, but still).

They're looking for gratification or a reward most likely. Or in my case I used to find stuff and turn it in only to find out that who I turned it in too stole it anyways so why bother, better to try to find the owner yourself in this case, depending on the item of course. If money is ever involved, such as a wallet, don't turn it in, hopefully a phone would be safe but honestly I've found cell phones at bars and music venues, kept them took them home called the ICE number on the phone and mailed it to who they said the phone belonged too. In some cases they might live far away from where they lost their phone and the bar or venue that it was lost at certainly won't care or do anything to return the phone, they'll just leave it in the lost and found box for all of eternity. I've never tracked down a person to actually hand them the device though, just mailed it back to them. As far as posting on FB or other social media about it, that's such a long shot. Wallet's generally have some form of address or id in them you can mail them too and phones normally there's a ICE you can contact for them.

And even if your item does get turned into the lost and found odds aren't really for you that whoever you're contacting about the lost and found will actually look for it. I've gone back to lost and founds and had them just hand me the box of items and basically tell me to just take whatever. Lost and founds seem to be a lost cause.

 

[Nathan Dines]

Nanu Nanu When someone is with me I will stay out of the conversation/small talk they have with another person and observe/listen to the other person I don't know. If they ask me a question i'll usually give them a short answer and to the point as not to give them anymore reason to continue the conversation with me. If I am on my own and a stranger talks to me it's the same thing, short and to the point answers as to not continue the conversation. However, sometimes a good technique (If you feel comfortable with the stranger) is to ask questions. You get to know them more and get a feel for who they are and what their about. First question is usually how are you/are you ok? A great question is do you have any hobbies? If you do feel comfortable with this person or have something in common to talk about just be yourself! I avoid talking to strangers myself but some I am fine with. Like if i'm in a fishing tackle shop I can talk to them as it's a hobby of mine and I enjoy asking question and gaining knowledge

 

[xDominiel]

I don't like it when people say "Hi how are you?" when they don't care how I am and don't want to know.

I can't stand that. I overheard my mother and her friend talking smack about some guy who was honest and didn't just reply "I'm good" once, apparently he was in the wrong for ruining the mood. Ugh.

 

[Sabrina]

I had to do extensive research and read many books on making stupid conversation with people for my work. It helps if you can remember things about them, like if they have kids, the kids age, kids activities, generally people like to talk about their kids a lot. Also hobbies of theirs, basically just let them ramble on while going, "yeah, uh-huh, oh so fascinating, tell me more." I can never remember tidbits about people unless I talk to them many times.

Also I don't watch any sports (unless you count pole-championships because those are just cool) or tv really. I watch like Star Trek, stuff from the Disney channel mostly, Sherlock. But I don'

If you talk to somebody that really like sports even if you don't care you can get them to tell you all about them, they might really like trying to educate you about them, lol so I do that !
Haha!
Sports! That was exactly like me & my husband. Thank god I am not expected to know anything (I'm a stay-at-home-mom and NOT having to do small talk EVERYDAY with people that I don't care about is one of the perks). Another perk pf. eing an expat (wich I am) is that, again, people don't expect me to follow any of the local sports (depending of who I'm talking, I confess that I don't even follow them at my country of origin, but sometimes I pretend I like some sports... not sure it's a good idea, it's just that I feel awful when I see they're dissapointing faces when I say I don't).
My also aspie husband reads the results and the main things related to the sport event of the day before and the pretends that he's seen it the next day. I'm not sure that's a good idea because the coworkers could notice, but then, he really has excellent memory for recalling data.

 

[Sabrina]

I must confess that everytime I meet the moms of my kids' classmates I'm always a little bit nervous and I get frutrated at myself (I'm not in high school anymore, for crying outloud) . At the sametime one of them is talking to me, I'm trying to remember her most prominent. physical features (long hair, black, her face reminds of X; mom of this kid , don't confuse their names! ... sometimes it's too tough to remember the kid's name, so I aim just to remember if it's a boy or a girl). Imagine what happens if they change the hair style, or if they look similar. Anyway I DO TRY, and I've learned that if I'm not 100% of the person's name, I should avoid trying to be "friendly" calling the person by her name.
I usually find a excuse to ask them for their phone number, or I just say that I want to be in contact with them. Truth is, that way I have a cheat sheet at hand with the name of the mom and the kid, and (most import of all) if I'm lucky, there's going to be a Whatsapp picture of the mom, so I can review my "notes" before the next test... hehe, I mean, before the next meeting .