Social Issues at University

[Juliettaa]

it is obviously not a good fit for me

Is it imperative that you stay at this particular university?

 

[Judge]

Is it imperative that you stay at this particular university?

Good question.

Reminds me of a conversation I had with someone I once knew in high school. We ended up in different universities less than 20 miles away. Yet when we talked about the social environments between the two schools it was like discussing night and day.

I also went through a similar thing at work. Where the job didn't change so much as employees coming and going. Where I was eventually able to consistently socialize with a small group of people where for years it seemed impossible.

Strange thing social chemistry. Where people might fit alleged stereotypes based on who or where. Or not at all. You never know.

 

[Frostee]

Next year is my final year.

Is it imperative that you stay at this particular university?

 

[Juliettaa]

Next year is my final year.

And?

If you're really, really that unhappy, there are alternatives. There's always an alternative. You stay, your choice.

I can understand the cultural differences; totally understand. But you have choices.

If you choose to stick out that last year, then choose to be friendless for the remainder of the course. It's not as if you've got to spend the rest of your life there.

 

[Juliettaa]

Strange thing social chemistry.

Sure is

The older I get, the less I care. One positive from the ageing process I guess

 

[Judge]

Sure is

The older I get, the less I care. One positive from the ageing process I guess

This goes hand-in-hand with some other threads we have here in this forum. Where many of us discover as working adults that we have little control over our social lives given things like work, marriage, family and money.

Where those friendships we may crave from time to time simply evaporate, and not because of any one person's fault. It's just part of adulthood, for better or worse.

 

[Frostee]

You're not filling me with joy. Of course, I am going to stay at University after three years of already being there, I want out of there.

You are just making me feel unlikeable or that there is something wrong with me. I just do not understand their culture or way of doing things, they simply do not think for others - I have even said to fellow Aspies at University over there, of how lonely I am and they do not care, at all.

As for the group, I have been attending it for two years now and they still talk to me like they do not know me. They never tried to get to know me.

 

[tree]

"They never tried to get to know me."

How do you offer yourself, to be known?

 

[pax]

You wanted advice, you've received plenty, but you keep rejecting it. No one's obliged to fill you with joy.

 

[Frostee]

- I attend two groups. I don't speak to anyone in the class, they speak to each other.

- One of the groups is for Aspergers. I told the members of the Aspergers group that I was lonely and they didn't respond too much to that; you would think they would be more sympathetic to me since I am far from home and we have the same condition, but they do not give a damn. I went to the Aspergers group specifically because I thought they'd be tolerant of difference.


- The members of the support group still talk to me as if I am a stranger, despite attending the group continuously for two years. Some of them go out together and never, ever ask me if I want to go.

-I tried to connect with two people from there, one guy, I hung out with for several months, then he went and got NT friends and stopped bothering with me, (to be fair to him, even though I don't like that he stopped talking to me, I appreciate the effort that he made). The other guy is the guy in my other thread who is difficult to deal with as his condition is more severe (I can't have a conversation with him without it becoming argumentative).

- I attended two other groups with NT's, including the Debating Society but I did not like what they said about Weed and other drugs.

I should've transferred home long ago, but did not do so because it was a goal to get the degree that I am studying and I would've felt like a failure coming home at that point in time.

 

[Frostee]

"They never tried to get to know me."

How do you offer yourself, to be known?

I set this thread up to see what I was doing wrong. I included the example of the group of 10 on our degree course (including me) who hang out with one another and don't bother with myself. I have queried why that happens, no one has given any suggestions other than that I am not showing positive body language.

None of us knew each other at the start of the degree, so it is odd that they hang out with each other and do not bother with me. They obviously had to get to know one another to speak to each other, so why did they not speak to me?

You know this is an example of things that I always notice and wonder why this happens all the time, since I do not speak to them! It is harsh if they are judging me negatively on physical impressions or body language.

What is annoying about all of this is, that I have made a big amount of effort going so far away from home.Only really to be rejected, and I really don't know why. I am not a bad person, I don't say rude things to strangers/don't do anything untoward, so really there is no reason to be treated with such disdain.

 

[Judge]

You know this is an example of things that I always notice and wonder why this happens all the time, since I do not speak to them! It is harsh if they are judging me negatively on physical impressions or body language.

Ever hear of the phrase, "Perception is reality" ?

If they perceive you don't choose to speak to them on purpose, the more ambivalent or unfriendly they may collectively become towards you. Whether or not their perceptions are correct or not won't matter.

So it's up to you to go out of your way to change their perception.

 

[Frostee]

No, I don't think they actually like me, they avoid eye contact and leave the hall way when I sit down near them. (I don't know why though).

I also message one of them about Coursework and such things, and he rarely expands upon it or asks me any questions, he simply answers my questions and goes. If I didn't message him about the Coursework he would never message me.

I know I am a Stranger to him, but he does not try to get to know me, at all.

 

[Judge]

No, I don't think they actually like me, they avoid eye contact and leave the hall way when I sit down near them.

I also message one of them about Coursework and such things, and he rarely expands upon it or asks me any questions, he simply answers my questions and goes. If I didn't message him about the Coursework he would never message me.

I know I am a Stranger to him, but he does not try to get to know me, at all.

Back to social chemistry and why it's a strange thing. It's not necessarily logical, or linear in how it makes for friendships or relationships. The other two people obviously have sufficient yet unexplained chemistry to hang together. Whatever it is that binds their friendship doesn't involve you.

With some people there's nothing left for you to do. That's when you must continue to push yourself, but also to recognize when to move on to other people. A painful thing to go through, but there it is. Something I had to deal with in my second year of high school.

 

[Frostee]

Although to be fair, when I was a little immature at the start of the programme I did write some stupid things on FB about the differences of NI culture and Southern English culture, basically complaining about how cold the people there are and how hard it is to meet people. I wrote it because I was extremely lonely and had no one to vent to and felt that people were being a little aloof.

That is probably something to do with why they don't speak to me. That was two years ago though, I wouldn't write such a thing now.

 

[Frostee]

Back to social chemistry and why it's a strange thing. It's not necessarily logical, or linear in how it makes for friendships or relationships. The other two people obviously have sufficient yet unexplained chemistry to hang together. Whatever it is that binds their friendship doesn't involve you.

With some people there's nothing left for you to do. That's when you must continue to push yourself, but also to recognize when to move on to other people. A painful thing to go through, but there it is. Something I had to deal with in my second year of high school.

Yeah, I've had some experience with that over the last year, although i'm getting better at this, I do think its part of our condition to take a long time to move on from things. Not sure why.

I still think people judge me harshly or I am doing something that I do not know I am doing wrong.

 

[Judge]

Although to be fair, when I was a little immature at the start of the programme I did write some stupid things on FB about the differences of NI culture and Southern English culture, basically complaining about how cold the people there are and how hard it is to meet people. That is probably something to do with why they don't speak to me.

Considering how many people live, eat and breathe Facebook, yeah- you could say that! Word gets around, where you may have been effectively "blacklisted" on a broad scale. Reminds me of the origins of Facebook. Unkindly "rating" female Ivy League college students. And word got around.

Under those circumstances it might be a stretch to attempt to socialize with much of anyone on campus. So look for friendship elsewhere. Or you could do what I did in my final year. Knuckled down and focused exclusively on three things:

1. Graduate
2. Graduate
3. Graduate

One more suggestion:

One Aspie to another. Give up Facebook. It's just an online incarnation of "Lord of the Flies".

 

[Frostee]

lol I only have a few people from my University on FB. As I said I don't think they like me, and I don't think they tried to understand where I was coming from.

 

[Judge]

lol I only have a few people from my University on FB. As I said I don't think they like me, and I don't think they tried to understand where I was coming from.

I wouldn't underestimate the power- or malice of Facebook. Where word travels beyond just the Internet. Something that seems to be ruinous for many a person on the spectrum.

But yes, if you truly feel people don't like you, there's no point in attempting to maintain contact with them either. That's when you move on in search of others. Especially those who may have no preconceived impression of you. I'd start there.

 

[Frostee]

Lol I think you have a tendency to put your foot in it, so i'm not going to take what you say to heart. I have stress on me at the moment already.

I have been wondering (from other members), if I should apologise to them, or would that be playing with fire? I do think about it from time to time. I can see why someone would take offence to that post, but at the same time I think the differences in socialising could be seen as aloof compared with my own culture and I don't think they had a good reference point to comprehend where I was coming from.

I have talked with secondary school classmates who study in a similar geographical area and they report similar experiences.