Socially Awkward Experiences...

[AdamR]

I hope one day I will feel better and that I will learn to be more social.

I'm glad you got some good out of Peace's message, but you may want to review the line I've quoted from you, above.

You can't just hope you will feel better one day, or hope you will learn anything. You have to commit to making these happen, and spend the time you usually use up feeling bad about yourself on doing something concrete and purposeful to change things. That is the only way to get un-"stuck". When you are depressed, this is very difficult to do, and depression, by its very nature, drains you of the energy and will to pull out of it. But once you know this, you owe it to yourself to break the cycle.

Everyone has things they do well. What are yours? How can you use those abilities to help you along? You have to start counting your assets if you want to offset your liabilities. Put more positive thoughts in your head by force, if you have to.

With respect, you could start by changing your avatar to something that makes you happy, that you find beautiful, or that represents one of the best parts of you. Images are powerful. If you see that tortured girl whenever you log on here, and that girl represents YOU, it will have an effect on you. Even the smallest things you do can help you move that much further from despair. My partner taught me this mantra: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

If you have questions about social skills, ask them as such. The members here will be very glad to help, Aspie and NT alike.

Encouragingly,

Adam -- Longstanding major depressive disorder with history of suicidality, still here by sheer force of will

 

[Neramo]

I wonder if I will ever accept that I have Asperger.
I hate that I can't get any words out from my mouth in groups. It's so difficult and all I want is to be like the others.. Yes social. How do you learn to accept it? How do you learn to deal with that your social skills are terrible and that you're just so damn awkward in social situations. It sucks being afraid of talking. Your words get stuck in your mouth and you can stand for minutes and think about what you're going to say. Just standing there waiting for the right moment. Specially in groups. I don't know how to be more social, I just can't.

Starting working at the office in the city. People were able to talk to each other without interuppting each others, but when i tried to said some word, it usually started by, oh were i interrupiting you. Thought that being working with other people, would be enough to make me more social. Still after 2 years, i don't know any of my coworkers better that i did before. When someone new starts working, they talk more to my coworkers from day one.

This summer i also started trying to learn c programmin. For once in my life i had to stop myself from reading, so i could play some videogames before going to bed. I've also noticed that even my nerdie coworkers talked about movies that i hadn't seen, because i were more interested in c programming, gaming and cosmos.

I've tried to convince myself since school that i'm not different, but now i've realised that i might be different after all. For the most part at school i were able to stay below the radar for bullies, but not totally. At work, it didn't go that well. Were consider suicide for awhile, cause my boss were bullying me. After i quit that job, i've been able to keep my head over the water again.

I'm not ashamed to be different, just wished that i knew about my weeknesses and strengths earlier. On some areas as socially, i'm a bit below aferage. On others i'm like above average. Just 1/2 year ago i din't like it when my brothers girlfriend called me a nerd, but now i'm starting to realise i'm might be the biggest nerd at work. It hurts

 

[Neramo]

I wonder if I will ever accept that I have Asperger.
I hate that I can't get any words out from my mouth in groups. It's so difficult and all I want is to be like the others.. Yes social. How do you learn to accept it? How do you learn to deal with that your social skills are terrible and that you're just so damn awkward in social situations. It sucks being afraid of talking. Your words get stuck in your mouth and you can stand for minutes and think about what you're going to say. Just standing there waiting for the right moment. Specially in groups. I don't know how to be more social, I just can't.

Watching a documentary about Einstein usually helps.

 

[Maelstrom]

"stuckinpain, post: 162536, member: 11085"]I wonder if I will ever accept that I have Asperger.
I hate that I can't get any words out from my mouth in groups. It's so difficult and all I want is to be like the others.. Yes social. How do you learn to accept it? How do you learn to deal with that your social skills are terrible and that you're just so damn awkward in social situations. It sucks being afraid of talking. Your words get stuck in your mouth and you can stand for minutes and think about what you're going to say. Just standing there waiting for the right moment. Specially in groups. I don't know how to be more social, I just can't.

I was just like you when younger stuckinpain ,I was a miserable wall flower, spent most of my time reading books, doing art, or playing basket ball by my self. At one point it was so bad I became convinced there was some secret social code, everyone seemed to magically know when to round up dates for upcoming social events, which I never seemed to hear about, so all was left for me were the girls no one wanted. I did ask some of those girls out and found out why no one wanted them they always said no or chickened out at the last minute and broke the date.

But there is some hope stuckinpain ,I eventually learned to be warm and friendly and charming, (I still have bad days when things go sideways), but I am more charming and engaging than many NTs in my church now.

Here are the things I do: Firstly one I go out of my way to engage first on everything, a warm hello, maybe a handshake, or a pat on the arm, or a friendly joke, or question to break the ice. I know some here hate the friendly teasing ice breaker thing used to approach some one new, and it is a delicate art, but the NTs really seem to like it allot.

One thing to remember is if you engage first, you get to set the tone, and terms of things. This can be very helpful on social stuff as you get to be the one to choose more quieter autistic friendly social venues for any, (me time), with some one. I recommend the autistic person asking and planing the friend dates, or romantic dates, as much as possible that way you get to choose friendly ground for things, places and activities you are comfortable with.

Also if a you can find a acceptible way for physical contact, (take a little care on this not to do too much to soon), but touch bonds people to you, and no one ever gets enough of it in their lives. If someone is feeling bad a little side hug or pat on the back, a touch on the arm to get some ones attention or make a point, express sympathy on something they said or just to say hello. Touching in dating is more tricky the main thing is to do it in a way the other person feels safe and comfortable. If you don't like surprises like me, plan the event yourself.

On conversation speaking on your "interests" very much is risky, (I struggle with this one). Mostly people want you to be interested in them, so little questions on how they are doing, what they have been doing, or what they like work best. The art in conversation tho is to give just enough feed back while they are speaking so they feel you really want to hear what they say, a nod on certain points a expression of emotion to a event they described to you like, "Oh! that is awful! she didn't really say that to you?" etcetera...or just ask tiny questions on their story like if they went for a drive in the country ask how rough was the road, to get them talking more...and of course there is the parroting thing during a conversation repeating small bits of their story as they tell it to show you are listening, like Oh! you went all the way to the top of the mountain, etcetera...

All this stuff takes time to perfect for auties like us without the natural instincts...so don't feel bad if it doesn't always work the first time, just make a mental note to try a slightly different approach with that person next time...not all people respond the same, and it may take a few tries to find out what subjects make them happy.

Years of suffering to learn this stuff and I'm still working on it. Best wishes to you in life stuckinpain ...Mael

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you DogwoodTree for your positivity and advice! Alas, she cancelled just as I was leaving to pick her up.. how does one deal with these awful emotions?
All part of being an Aspie, I guess
Note: There needs to be a much sadder emoticon than this!

Hey my sympathies Spiller ,I've had that happen too, my guess is she likely just got too nervous and it doesn't mean anything personally about you.

I would still be friendly and maybe, offer a her a real light coffee date, (that means a hello date with no romance, make that clear). Perhaps a walk in the park or Shopping Mall, or you could go look for books together at the library. The point being to meet her some where public where she feels safe etcetera... She may say yes...but give her room to think on it, ask her like it's not a big deal...like do you think you would be okay with this type a meet up...using the word date may spook her. good luck!

 

[Spiller]

Hey my sympathies Spiller ,I've had that happen too, my guess is she likely just got too nervous and it doesn't mean anything personally about you.

I would still be friendly and maybe, offer a her a real light coffee date, (that means a hello date with no romance, make that clear). Perhaps a walk in the park or Shopping Mall, or you could go look for books together at the library. The point being to meet her some where public where she feels safe etcetera... She may say yes...but give her room to think on it, ask her like it's not a big deal...like do you think you would be okay with this type a meet up...using the word date may spook her. good luck!

That was last October, I think.. she told me straight, after I'd known her a few days, that, while she really liked me, she couldn't have a relationship with a depressive because she'd had to look after her mother through similar.
Fair enough and many thanks for being forthright.
We still meet up for a friendly chat on occasion.

She later, early this year, met a guy she really likes - which is great - though his clinical depression does sometimes get in the way (she tells me), but they work around it.

I can't help but feel some puzzlement here, or is it just me being weird and thinking too much..

After forty years of trying and failing every time, I believe I'm beginning to detect a pattern..

 

[metalminx24]

There is a pattern- women are weird!! We change our minds, standards, the rules, the parameters of what we do and don't want or like...ALL the bloody time!! it's a classic (and very unfortunate) case of 'it's not you it's me'. I'm sorry on behalf of womankind...

 

[DogwoodTree]

We change our minds, standards, the rules, the parameters of what we do and don't want or like...

Not all women are like that...and not all men aren't. Like...it's not even close to a gender pattern in my actual experience (as opposed to the messages chauvinistic people around me have tried to give me).

 

[metalminx24]

Not all women are like that...and not all men aren't. Like...it's not even close to a gender pattern in my actual experience (as opposed to the messages chauvinistic people around me have tried to give me).

I know, it was meant as a light-hearted dig in a supportive-to-Spiller way, that's all.

 

[DogwoodTree]

it was meant as a light-hearted dig in a supportive-to-Spiller way, that's all.

Spiller is a good one to be supportive of...he's one of my favorite posters here. But those kinds of comments do get stuck in my head, and I have a hard time seeing around them if I don't face them head-on. There are sooo many people in my life who treat women that way, as if we're all wishy-washy, overly emotional, can't be satisfied, must be tolerated in exchange for sex...it's disgusting. I won't even watch shows or movies that portray women that way. (And I also won't watch shows or movies that portray dads/husbands as bumbling idiots who don't know a thing about matching socks or taking good care of their kids or being emotionally present to their families.) Just seems like there should be healthier ways of having fun...ways that build people up rather than tearing down.

And Spiller, I truly appreciate your openness to her making her own decisions about who she dates, without turning this into an opportunity to bash her, even in this forum where she would never know about it. That says so much about your character and integrity.

 

[metalminx24]

Spiller is a good one to be supportive of...he's one of my favorite posters here. But those kinds of comments do get stuck in my head, and I have a hard time seeing around them if I don't face them head-on. There are sooo many people in my life who treat women that way, as if we're all wishy-washy, overly emotional, can't be satisfied, must be tolerated in exchange for sex...it's disgusting. I won't even watch shows or movies that portray women that way. (And I also won't watch shows or movies that portray dads/husbands as bumbling idiots who don't know a thing about matching socks or taking good care of their kids or being emotionally present to their families.) Just seems like there should be healthier ways of having fun...ways that build people up rather than tearing down.

And Spiller, I truly appreciate your openness to her making her own decisions about who she dates, without turning this into an opportunity to bash her, even in this forum where she would never know about it. That says so much about your character and integrity.

I'm really sorry. My intention was absolutely not to make anyone angry. Sorry.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm really sorry. My intention was absolutely not to make anyone angry. Sorry.

Oh I'm not angry...sorry if I came across that way. Just learning and experimenting with how to hold space for my own values. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it. And yet...comments like that rub me the wrong way. I see the effects it can have on people and their relationships. It's like...okay, I need a reality check here.

No worries...

 

[metalminx24]

Lesson learned for me. I'm no good at this s***. Your values are far more important than my flippant remarks. I'm just rubbish at gauging appropriateness. I'll end this now by saying, sincerely I apologise. I just wanted to try to help and I got it wrong. And sorry Spiller for this hijacking the thread. I hope others continue to be more helpful than me..!

 

[Spiller]

Lesson learned for me. I'm no good at this s***. Your values are far more important than my flippant remarks. I'm just rubbish at gauging appropriateness. I'll end this now by saying, sincerely I apologise. I just wanted to try to help and I got it wrong. And sorry Spiller for this hijacking the thread. I hope others continue to be more helpful than me..!

Hey metalminx24, from what I've read you're doing fine, I value your input and thank you so much for your support!
You needn't be worried that you've offended anyone, we're all bound to touch the odd nerve with a comment from time to time - we're a sensitive lot, but that doesn't mean anyone's upset

Spiller is a good one to be supportive of...he's one of my favorite posters here. But those kinds of comments do get stuck in my head, and I have a hard time seeing around them if I don't face them head-on. There are sooo many people in my life who treat women that way, as if we're all wishy-washy, overly emotional, can't be satisfied, must be tolerated in exchange for sex...it's disgusting. I won't even watch shows or movies that portray women that way. (And I also won't watch shows or movies that portray dads/husbands as bumbling idiots who don't know a thing about matching socks or taking good care of their kids or being emotionally present to their families.) Just seems like there should be healthier ways of having fun...ways that build people up rather than tearing down.

And Spiller, I truly appreciate your openness to her making her own decisions about who she dates, without turning this into an opportunity to bash her, even in this forum where she would never know about it. That says so much about your character and integrity.

I agree here DogwoodTree, I think these unhealthy gender-roles are only reinforced by the media and I can't believe so many people subscribe to treating the opposite sex this way - it isn't healthy and, I'm sure, is the source of much unhappiness within relationships as well as distrust and difficulty forming new ones.

I think this is largely responsible for people looking for a 'type', including the stereotype of fit body, nice car, etc.. personality and individuality have been pushed aside now and, as I don't/can't conform, this might explain why I'm invariably discarded once it's realised I don't participate in conformist stuff.. it's become a programmed subconcious reflex.

I wonder if there's a correlation between 'popular' TV and social acceptance..

 

[DogwoodTree]

You needn't be worried that you've offended anyone, we're all bound to touch the odd nerve with a comment from time to time - we're a sensitive lot, but that doesn't mean anyone's taken offence

Agreed

it isn't healthy and, I'm sure, is the source of much unhappiness within relationships as well as distrust and difficulty forming new ones.

Yes...when relationships are built on honor and respect for each other, it makes for a much stronger, healthier, and more peaceful foundation. Now if I can only see myself with as much honor as I have for my hubby and other people, lol...

 

[Spiller]

Now if I can only see myself with as much honor as I have for my hubby and other people, lol...

I have an issue with this that reinforces my last comment - I've been told so many times that, if I can't love and respect myself, how can I expect others to?

Fair enough, so I've spent several years learning to see myself as someone I like in every way.. I'm still a bit iffy with clothes styles, but I think I'm acceptable.. looks, grooming, integrity, humour, lifestyle - all that stuff I'm good with.

So feeling confident in myself makes all the difference now, right?

Well, actually, not so far.

I am a happier person for it - and I'd tell you and anyone to try to see yourself through the eyes of those who love and respect you as you deserve to feel equal to everyone else out there, especially as it's other people who likely made us feel inferior in the first place.. rejection does have that effect.

I don't, however, expect that to make a difference to my ability to get along with others as they are way too influenced by the media portrayal of 'The right way to be'.. and I'm not it!

I can only hope to come across like-minded people.. unfortunately there don't seem to be many about..

 

[Maelstrom]

There is a pattern- women are weird!! We change our minds, standards, the rules, the parameters of what we do and don't want or like...ALL the bloody time!! it's a classic (and very unfortunate) case of 'it's not you it's me'. I'm sorry on behalf of womankind...

Hi metalminx24 ,I don't know if all women are that way, but I haven't come out too good on that so far. My last one pushed kissing etcetera on me one date the next date would be coldness and distance? She was all over the place on everything, I tried so hard to please her, but the next day she was opposite on what she wanted.

I've also had more than one girl invoke the lets just be friends thing, (which is the kiss of death in male land), and then increase the level of friendliness like they wanted more? What am I supposed to do with that...if I move forward I'm a stalker...if not we are done... If you girls invoke the friends thing and don't mean it, you had better lift it again properly, or you just cooked your goose.

And now I will retire to read my hate mail... This love dating stuff is so confusing.

 

[Spiller]

Maelstrom! You got as far as kissing?
My last is the first I've ever got so far as taking on a date.. she did let me kiss her on the cheek once though..

 

[Maelstrom]

"DogwoodTree, Yes...when relationships are built on honor and respect for each other, it makes for a much stronger, healthier, and more peaceful foundation.

I wish I could find a girl who thought that like you DogwoodTree ,so far the girls rule seems to be I can use any stupid trick I want to get my way and you the guy will get all the blame for the wreckage.

Maybe I'm dating the wrong girls, I would like to find one that could sit down and quietly work things out like adults. I'm a fair person I don't expect to get my way on everything...but some requests are just not a good idea...

 

[Maelstrom]

Maelstrom! You got as far as kissing?
My last is the first I've ever got so far as taking on a date.. she did let me kiss her on the cheek though..

It's not much to brag about...she pushed the kissing on me to try to bend me into living with her crazy abusive Step Mom...which in the end even she couldn't do. The Kissing was generally followed with a week of evil ambushes by her and the family for not giving in on the house thing. I loved her to bits and pieces, but now the thought of letting any of them near me makes me ill.
It's funny how love turns to hate, I have to say prayers on that one, but some people just don't seem to know how to treat others decent. What can you do?