Some Of Us Are Not Made To Connect.

[velociraptor]

We are all made to connect and need to connect. Unfortunately some of us do not share compatible connectors with the majority of others and need to find ways to adapt so that we aren't damaged or overloaded when we do make those connections.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The perception of not being able to connect, prevented promotional opportunities, When I was in the workforce,
which in turn effected my life choices, such as a larger family.

 

[Misty Avich]

How did you learn not to mask??? This is a new concept to me

Not sure really. What is masking when it comes to autistic folk?
Repeatedly having rage outbursts at work doesn't feel like masking to me lol. I've been showing my emotions a lot more outside of my home since I was 17. At school I used to hide all my emotions, which I'd call masking.

 

[Shamar]

We are all made to connect and need to connect. Unfortunately some of us do not share compatible connectors with the majority of others and need to find ways to adapt so that we aren't damaged or overloaded when we do make those connections.

I agree that all of us need to connect. However, some of us (or at least one of us) are incapable of connecting. Just as we describe ourselves as having slightly different brain wiring, when it comes to connecting, bonding, or emotional attachment with another person, my brain wiring is all kerflooie. Having the need and the inability can really hurt, especially this time of year.

 

[velociraptor]

However, some of us (or at least one of us) are incapable of connecting

I used to think I was incapable of connecting. It took some effort, but I can do it now.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah some people find it to be a huge tragedy that social skills or communication skills are not taught in school in our formative years

 

[Shamar]

Can these skills actually be taught in a class, especially if the brain is not wired for them? Most people grow up with them naturally, no actual training is needed. Those who need them are a minority. I once went to counselor for exactly this training. It was a waste of time and money, nothing took. I learned all the proper words and phrases, the problem was getting them out and understanding the responses (in reality, understanding the responses was not difficult).
Theoretical-
ME: "Hi. Would you like to dance?"
HER: "Certainly, I'd love to."
Reality-
ME: "Heewuuligdnk?"
HER: "Get away from me you creepy pervert! SECURITY!!!"

 

[UFO]

Another version for those situations when one actually is fluent in talking:
"Hi. Would you like to dance?"
"I have a boyfriend."
"Yes, I know. But would you like to dance?"
"I am not interested of you."
"But would you like to dance?"
"No! Get a f**k away from me!"
"Finally. Thank you. You could have said that in the first place."

Okay. This is an exaggerated, perhaps even offensively dumb example. Very few people have that level of situational blindness. But I have had situations that come close to that kind of communicational exchange. Learning social skills might go much further than just learning enough self-confidence to open a mouth.

I agree that all of us need to connect. However, some of us (or at least one of us) are incapable of connecting. Just as we describe ourselves as having slightly different brain wiring, when it comes to connecting, bonding, or emotional attachment with another person, my brain wiring is all kerflooie. Having the need and the inability can really hurt, especially this time of year.

I realized in my teens that I let people go way too easily to be normal. I just don't create any kind strong emotional bonds to them. I don't really need to have people around me. It is just about social expectations and common courtesy why I socialize. Otherwise I usually prefer to be left alone. I feel myself lucky to be that way, as some of you guys seem to write about your social hardships with nearly physical level of pain. I wish I would be able to offer at least some kind of advice and help

But still... Here I am writing out my opinions, so I must still have some need to some kind of socializing...

 

[Shamar]

Another version for those situations when one actually is fluent in talking:
"Hi. Would you like to dance?"
"I have a boyfriend."
"Yes, I know. But would you like to dance?"
"I am not interested of you."
"But would you like to dance?"
"No! Get a f**k away from me!"
"Finally. Thank you. You could have said that in the first place."

Okay. This is an exaggerated, perhaps even offensively dumb example. Very few people have that level of situational blindness. But I have had situations that come close to that kind of communicational exchange. Learning social skills might go much further than just learning enough self-confidence to open a mouth.


I realized in my teens that I let people go way too easily to be normal. I just don't create any kind strong emotional bonds to them. I don't really need to have people around me. It is just about social expectations and common courtesy why I socialize. Otherwise I usually prefer to be left alone. I feel myself lucky to be that way, as some of you guys seem to write about your social hardships with nearly physical level of pain. I wish I would be able to offer at least some kind of advice and help

But still... Here I am writing out my opinions, so I must still have some need to some kind of socializing...

Thanks for your offer of advice and help. You are making sense (at least to me). I also generally prefer to work and play by myself. I dislike places with more than a few people. I cannot create any bonds with anyone, this includes my own parents, and even (to a great extent) my own son. I suspect my inability to bond has exaggerated my need for social contact. I was suicidal over this starting at age 9, for more than 20 years. Nobody paid attention or helped, As it stands now, my entire social life consists of this forum.

 

[Rocco]

This is a topic that has been weighing heavily on my mind recently. I determined that I do connect with others occasionally, but such connections are temporary and or brief. It feels like a world of acquaintances for me. Family, friends, and lovers all end up out of reach.

Despite my deepest desire and efforts to maintain connections with others, it’s all temporary. Looking back on two failed relationships this year, I can see new markers that litter the landscape of my life, like row after row of gravestones at Arlington National Cemetery. Rows in multitudes

are reminders of the failed relationships left in my wake.

Each time I am in a relationship, be it platonic or romantic, I believe the connection is stronger and deeper than it actually is in reality. As these connections fail one after another it shakes my world as I realize my perception of things is drastically different compared with those I have interacted with.

I read that “all failed relationships hurt, but losing someone that doesn’t appreciate or respect you is actually a gain, not a loss.”
I can see the logic in that statement, however, there is another saying that keeps haunting me… If you run into one jerk in a day, that person is just a jerk. If you run into jerks all day, you are the jerk.

This leads me to believe I AM the problem in all of these failed temporary connections. But if I AM the problem, is it a character flaw in myself or just the autism? This question is like a perpetual existential crisis for me. When my exes, kids, and acquaintances are all comfortable at a distance from me, it becomes increasingly difficult to dismiss all the failures as just being fact or a side effect of autism.

It reinforces my belief that I am deeply flawed as a human being and unworthy of a real lasting connection. I optimistically continue trying to find a genuine connection, but after each failure I recognize I am moving farther away from humanity. The emotional damage keeps piling up into walls and obstacles that move me increasingly farther away people. Similar to how the shoreline slowly fades into the distance as a ship moves out to sea.