Stolen Youth

[mw2530]

I have been going through Cognitive Processing exercises about my past social isolation and making baby steps. One major stuck point for me has been; "All of my accomplishments and experiences can never compensate for the lack of a more vibrant sexual life as a teen and young adult." My feelings about this are:
I feel very sad at the experiences that I did not have and am profoundly disappointed in myself that I could not behave socially in order to;

• demonstrate interest in any woman I would have liked to have a relationship with.
• act to give women who fell for users and jerks a real choice.
• have enjoyed intimate moments with women I was attracted to

Yes. This is exactly the pain I am experiencing right now. It is almost unbearable. And it sounds like you were able to turn things around in your life several years earlier than my current age and based on my track record I find it unlikely that anything will change for me this year either.

 

[mw2530]

He indicated a few times that he does want children (that he’s sad because he sees other people getting married and having children and families).

I guess I am not really interested in helping raise someone else's child when it feels like I never even had the chance to be a kid myself or a young adult. Sure, I have been a kid and young adult, but I have never gotten to experience many of the same joys and experiences that most kids and young adults get to experience. So I find that would make it extraordinarily difficult to suddenly forget all that and step in the shoes of being a parent and all the responsibilities that come with it.

 

[mw2530]

I am not even sure who I am anymore or what I like to do. I think there are plenty of things I would have enjoyed, but have been unable to experience them because of my poor social skills and anxiety/depression. As a result, I poured all my energy into the few things that I was good at and enjoyed. When it comes to running, I wasn't all that good at it initially and actually didn't even like it that much, but I knew it was something I could do because the main thing it required was mental toughness. Over time I ended up getting to a semi-elite level and I have had a love/hate relationship with it. But it alone has gotten me through times where I probably would not be here without it. But at times, it probably prevented me from trying out new interests and experiencing a more diverse set of experiences.

 

[Judge]

So I find that would make it extraordinarily difficult to suddenly forget all that and step in the shoes of being a parent and all the responsibilities that come with it.

That's precisely what happened to me in a relationship with a divorced NT woman who I first knew as a friend. Through a series of unfortunate circumstances I ended up taking all kinds of responsibilities fit only for a parent in taking care of her daughter. Sadly though, most of the equation reflected slowly discovering that my girlfriend was an alcoholic, and subsequently an "absentee parent". On occasion an absentee girlfriend as well.

It was kind of like when my mother's health began to decline, and someone had to step up to take care of her. So while it was somewhat awkward, I stepped up to make my g/f's then five year old daughter feel loved and cared for as well. Especially to make up for her mother whose focus was almost entirely on her work trying to maintain a business she was awarded in her divorce.

In finally ending the relationship, my only regret is feeling that I left a 7-year old girl down hard. Leaving her with an alcoholic mother and a uncaring divorced father. Still feel a lot of guilt over it all, but I knew I could not sustain the relationship with her mother, even as I was so accepted as a substitute parent by her daughter. Despite my sense of guilt, I still feel like I was placed in an impossible situation with an inevitable outcome. -Kobyashi Maru.

Would I have been willing to do this again? Yes, provided substance abuse was not in the equation. Though I have to concede that being such a caregiver is not a role for just anyone who may not be up to it. Definitely not for the squeamish or germaphobes.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Thanks for those incredibly encouraging words @Gift2humanity . Apart from the age difference we could be twins! My experience is very similar. Sometimes I forget to focus on my gifts and just want to give up, but then I pick up my guitar again and feel so positive. Yes we did have a Stolen Youth as @mw2530 says, mine lasted until I was 57, but the rest of our lives we can soar with eagles doing what we do best.

I still have my challenges.
I have just come out of a relationship that went wrong and I was paid for a fool and I have that residual energy to process somehow.
As I need true connection with people, currently I have fallen to my default dysfunctional behaviour drug addiction.
While I have paralysing fears over my property structure, as I live in a block of flats, one of which I own, I found out that I still need to do my art.
The reason I got out of bed so late today was to avoid drugs.
The part of me that says "what's the point, it's too late" one today, my challenge is to get curious with that part of me, find creative solutions. Fun clarity, find confidence and courage.
I cannot put my life on hold because of these paralysing fears I have.

I need to do something which is going to cost a lot of money and I need to get rid of the "haven't got enough money so I might as well give up" attitude.

I am just writing this to say that tomorrow is another day, where I can get up and do my art and do other things to be an asset to the world rather than dwell on my fears liability and fears Moneypit legacy which I fear I am going to leave, I cannot let this eat me up.

If I fall to drugs tomorrow, if I fail to get out of bed tomorrow, I need to be kind to myself and use curiosity, creativity, clarity, confidence, compassion, and all of the other things from IFS and all of the other things to get this part of me to work for me and not against me.

IFS is from Dr Richard Schwartz who worked with BPD patients and they told him they all have parts, some of mine are, drug addict, despair, stay-in-bed-what't the point, you messed yours and others lives up.

I was put on this earth to be a gift to humanity. I have made errors, or should I say parts of me have made them, and I need to find self energy to befriend these parts and tackle my issues and basically to live and create.

 

[Tuffsy]

I was put on this earth to be a gift to humanity. I have made errors, or should I say parts of me have made them, and I need to find self energy to befriend these parts and tackle my issues and basically to live and create.

Thanks for sharing this. We must originate from the same part of the world to say "block of flats" Lol!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yes. This is exactly the pain I am experiencing right now. It is almost unbearable. And it sounds like you were able to turn things around in your life several years earlier than my current age and based on my track record I find it unlikely that anything will change for me this year either.

The change to myself was not initially sufficient, but it was necessary. I think i was mentally ill to have experienced the isolation and loneliness that I went through.

 

[mw2530]

The change to myself was not initially sufficient, but it was necessary. I think i was mentally ill to have experienced the isolation and loneliness that I went through.

Can you give a few examples of what you changed in yourself?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Can you give a few examples of what you changed in yourself?

I was socially avoidant (verging on Schizoid PD) so I started joining groups doing activities I enjoy and using that to practice socializing. I recognized that I did not understand social communication and started studying discussions of such, including body language. Then, I started asking women out; other researchers at work, and those I met on activities, without expecting much and started practicing social communication with them. I decided that I was interesting and started enjoying myself, even alone. The hard part was learning to trust my judgement about people, while liking many, I wrote those out of my life who violated my ethics or did not respect who I was. I grew up with an absent father and a mother who was fearful of everything (yet an attention whore), so I learned how to do things and stretched my boundaries of what I could accomplish and learned the fundamentals of living by myself. Eventually I entered a relationship with a woman, but we were not entirely compatible and while sad, the breakup was inevitable, though I started to understand what it took to support a relationship. I still did not know how to take a relationship into intimacy and sex. So, at 28, still a virgin, I sorta figured out the type of woman I found attractive, especially for personality and interests. Then I signed up for a Sierra Club trail maintenance trip not expecting much except an enjoyable week. The trip leader shared the roster with the intent that some of us would car pool. Since I was doing something else along the way, I took a chance and called a woman from Chicago , near where I was fossil collecting. She had a wonderful phone voice (this was before the internet and cell phones) and was just getting into backpacking, so, I was in my element discussing gear and training.We talked over three months and finally met as we started out on the road trip. Several adventures and some nice shared experiences over 4 days and I was falling in love with her and saw that she enjoyed being with me. Finally, I felt so good about her that my fear of being inexperienced evaporated and, after a wonderful day, I asked her if she would enjoy making love, and she assented. Having a woman accept me sexually changed my life, and we are together 44 years later.

 

[mw2530]

I wanted to provide a quick update and also ask for some advice. I usually seem to come on here to share negative thoughts, but I am happy to share some positive results for a change. I am in the process of moving to be a little closer to my job to reduce the time spent in my daily commute. I looked at a bunch of different apartments, and eventually decided on one. It was was a difficult decision and none were perfect options, but that is whole different topic surrounding my difficulties making big decisions.

Anyway, during one of my apartment viewings, I found the woman who gave me a tour rather attractive. We mainly discussed the apartment and I asked her some questions about it which is to be expected. But are conversation seemed to be pretty easy. A few days later I decided to message her and asked her if she would be interested in grabbing a coffee or drink sometime and that I would be interested in getting to know her better. She actually said yes, and then I said I would get back to her since I my schedule was a bit up in the air with moving and everything. It just was a good feeling to get a yes for a change. Although, to be honest I don't really ask many women out in person so maybe that has been part of my problem.

Any advice for a first date? I have a tendency to get too nervous for these since I don't get very many opportunities. My hope is that I can just put very little pressure on it and almost approach it as if I am trying to make a new friend and just see if it can turn into something more.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I wanted to provide a quick update and also ask for some advice. I usually seem to come on here to share negative thoughts, but I am happy to share some positive results for a change. I am in the process of moving to be a little closer to my job to reduce the time spent in my daily commute. I looked at a bunch of different apartments, and eventually decided on one. It was was a difficult decision and none were perfect options, but that is whole different topic surrounding my difficulties making big decisions.

Anyway, during one of my apartment viewings, I found the woman who gave me a tour rather attractive. We mainly discussed the apartment and I asked her some questions about it which is to be expected. But are conversation seemed to be pretty easy. A few days later I decided to message her and asked her if she would be interested in grabbing a coffee or drink sometime and that I would be interested in getting to know her better. She actually said yes, and then I said I would get back to her since I my schedule was a bit up in the air with moving and everything. It just was a good feeling to get a yes for a change. Although, to be honest I don't really ask many women out in person so maybe that has been part of my problem.

Any advice for a first date? I have a tendency to get too nervous for these since I don't get very many opportunities. My hope is that I can just put very little pressure on it and almost approach it as if I am trying to make a new friend and just see if it can turn into something more.

Congratulations! By all means, approach it as if you are meeting a potential friend. She decided to take a chance, too, so the way I see it is she is thinking about you positively. Enjoy it and if it is mutually enjoyable follow-up with her. I started out approaching my spouse as a friend (on the phone) and met for a road trip we planned in order to join a trail maintenance project. The adventures and experiences solidified our relationship and we are together 44 years later.

(added) BTW, enjoy gazing into her eyes. I know it is sometimes hard, but there is little as exciting as noticing the interest in her eyes (pupil dialation) and the eye contact makes you more attractive.

Good Luck and enjoy things.

 

[Suzette]

My hope is that I can just put very little pressure on it and almost approach it as if I am trying to make a new friend and just see if it can turn into something more

Perfect!

 

[Kalinychta]

Any advice for a first date? I have a tendency to get too nervous for these since I don't get very many opportunities. My hope is that I can just put very little pressure on it and almost approach it as if I am trying to make a new friend and just see if it can turn into something more.

Well you are going to see if she might become a new friend, right? Romantic relationships are as much—or more—about friendship than they are about sex. I assume that if you just wanted to get laid you’d cruise Tinder or go to bars or whatever and wouldn’t bother with a date. Think of her as someone who might become a friend, whether or not you end up becoming romantically involved. Just relax and enjoy yourself.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Thanks for sharing this. We must originate from the same part of the world to say "block of flats" Lol!

UK

 

[Gift2humanity]

I need to find some energy.
I think I have turned another corner with the relationship breakup, as in, not blaming myself for bringing out bad behaviour in someone.
That's about all I have achieved today, oh, I submitted a sample by post today also, which I was dreading.

 

[Zhantera]

I sympathize. I've had a lot of anger/sadness about just now finding out I'm autistic- my parents were told to have me checked, but just chose to ignore it. And now, I feel rather bitter when I think back on all the things I loused up- being a mother, wife, business owner- and even though I can now see those things through the lens of autism, it makes me sad to think how these things may have not happened, I might still be a mom/wife/business owner if I had had the right supports in place. I find myself stuck in a place of "what now?" because even with my diagnosis, I find very little in the line of support for adults. So yeah, I also feel it stole my childhood, my adulthood even, the person I could have/should have been. In a lot of ways, I feel the life I have lived was not my own. it was the product of masking, lack of knowledge and lack of support. It's easy to say, you have to move on and let go, but, idk, maybe I'm not capable of that.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

it was the product of masking, lack of knowledge and lack of support.

I have learned that despite everything I was working to realize the best for myself with the information I had. My deficiencies created biases in my thinking, and while sad, I cannot beat myself up over that. I was lucky that I was able to overcome my deficits and am now living more in the present. I have tried on this forum to be an example of the positive aspects of my experience. In a way the past is losing power over me.

 

[FreeDiver]

I sympathize. I've had a lot of anger/sadness about just now finding out I'm autistic- my parents were told to have me checked, but just chose to ignore it. And now, I feel rather bitter when I think back on all the things I loused up- being a mother, wife, business owner- and even though I can now see those things through the lens of autism, it makes me sad to think how these things may have not happened, I might still be a mom/wife/business owner if I had had the right supports in place. I find myself stuck in a place of "what now?" because even with my diagnosis, I find very little in the line of support for adults. So yeah, I also feel it stole my childhood, my adulthood even, the person I could have/should have been. In a lot of ways, I feel the life I have lived was not my own. it was the product of masking, lack of knowledge and lack of support. It's easy to say, you have to move on and let go, but, idk, maybe I'm not capable of that.

Ok, so your childhood sucked. How are you doing as an adult today? Before you get all worked up about a lost childhood, think about this. The football star of my school was worship by all there and was very handsome and all the girls would chase after him. Think he had it make? think again. That messing around with all the girls had finally caught up with him and at age 26, He died from contracting HIV/AIDS and who knows how many other girls he infected afterwords. And it doesn't end there. A couple of other top students from my school are now in prison as well. As for me. Ya, my childhood sucked, it sucked really bad. But as an adult, I can say that I'm doing a hell of a lot better in life then most of the top students at my school ever did. and I'm 51 years old.

 

[mw2530]

Well this is why I feel like I am wasting my time even trying anymore. I reached out to the girl and scheduled a date. On the day of the date, she texted me if we could push that date a half hour. Wasn't really a problem. After work I drive over to the place we were meeting. I got there a few minutes early and pulled into a parking spot. I actually noticed her car there and parked couple of stalls away. I checked my phone and saw she texted me a few minutes earlier that she was there. Then I grabbed my gloves and was about to get out of the car but checked my phone again and had just gotten a message from her that she was really sorry, but she had to leave. Her sister had gotten into a car accident. I immediately that that was a total lie given the timing. But she called me right then I talked with her. She apologized a few times and said her sister had hit a dear and she had to go help her. Then she said we will have to reschedule and that she could meet closer to where I live next time and could give me her personal phone number. I said I was still going to go in and have a drink or two since I was there and she said she would text me and maybe she could still meet up after she took care of her sister. It all sounded pretty genuine and believable.

I never heard back from her the remainder of the night, but I sent her a text later that I hoped everything was ok and that I was heading home.

I figured I would never hear from her again since I found it very unlikely that she had gotten word of her sister hitting a deer right at that very moment. Seemed like too big of a coincidence. But she did text me the next day indicating that her sister was ok, but did have a broken arm, but the car was totaled. We texted a bit back and forth and ended up rescheduling a time to meet for the following week at a place that was closer to where I lived.

I don't think we texted much until the day of the date, and she texted me that morning asking if I was still planning on meeting that night. I said I was still available. But then in the afternoon she texted that we would need to reschedule because she was not feeling well. Did not apologize and it was not a lengthy text. I said I was sorry she was not feeling well and not much else. The next day she texted me that she took a COVID test and was resting. Later on she said the test came back negative. We texted a few more times, but nothing too much. Last I texted her was maybe we can schedule a time to meet up once she feels better.

Have not heard from her since. I am not sure if she is just feeding me lies and excuses for meeting up. It sure seems that way. Too many coincidences. But I don't understand why she would back out of the first date after she actually drove there. I saw her in her car in the parking lot so I know she was there. And she had texted me that she had arrived. My only thought is perhaps she saw me pull in and park and maybe she realized that I was not the same person that she thought she was texting. But I find that a little hard to believe. Or maybe there is something going on that I don't know.

Regardless, the above events are pretty fitting for my life.

 

[Kalinychta]

I really don’t see why she would string you along if she weren’t interested in you. She would just stop returning your texts. Which makes me think that she’s telling the truth about everything. Sometimes weird stuff like that happens.