Stop dating

[Aspychata]

This relationship l thought l was in has caused me too much stress. Now l truly want no involvement period. This one was particularly stressful because l really could never tell where l stood. Am l a friend, am l a girlfriend, am l a random meetup. I was told that l broke up 3 times, but l never even knew we were going together, thats how little knowledge l had. l feel more lost about relationships then before l met this person. l truly believe l suck in relationships and its best to stay solo at my late age. Maybe l fell too hard. This one hurts too much. l have to protect my heart.What do you do when you are infatuated beyond belief but emotionally confused at just about all your feelings? l am emotionally overwhelmed with them. No, this has never happened, not even with my ex. I truly am no longer dating. This will be the last one for me then l am packing and traveling solo for the journey of old age. What do you do with your feelings? in relationships? And l have been told by said individual there is no love. So like what the hell am l going through?

 

[Graphin]

I won't stop dating.
I never started.

 

[Autistamatic]

One thing that runs true for most autistics in successful relationships I have spoken to, with few exceptions, is that they had to learn from many, many failures and endure a great deal of confusion and heartache before they found someone they truly bonded with. It's certainly true of myself.

I felt like giving up time after time following crippling emotional pain from bad relationships, but I learned my lessons, dusted myself off and got back on that horse.

Thing is - when you look more deeply, you realise that it's not just us autistics who go through this. NT people often go through the same experiences too. We're not that different in that respect. Yes there are countless people in loveless or destructive relationships, just putting up with it for any one of thousands of reasons, but if they woke up to their futility and did something about it, they'd have a chance at happiness too.

If you want to give up right now, I understand. I've been there, many a time, but I want you to know that there is hope and that your chances of finding love are no better or worse than anyone else's. Finding love is a lottery, but one with pretty good odds. There are millions of people in the world who you could share that bond with, and finding them is just a matter of time. You can do a few things to increase the odds for sure, but it's still a numbers game.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Uhhh... what are you going through? Heartbreak?

Sounds like you did everything wrong, quite frankly with your approach there is no way you are ever going to get anywhere in a relationship unless you happen to run into someone that clearly defines everything and does all of the work. In the modern day those people are pretty much nonexistent.

How are you confused about your feelings? You are infatuated... right? Doesn't that define them? Perhaps your confusion comes from the dichotomy of being completely infatuated with someone while you know deep down that that person is completely unsuitable. It happens to everyone except psycho's and aromantics. Most people just bounce from infatuation to infatuation and they sometimes get lucky but usually it turns into "meh" marriage at best. It's just the reward system part of the brain being an archaic piece of junk that doesn't function properly in nearly all aspects of the modern world. It's why people are poor, fat, addicted and alone.

Unfortunately being in a relationship, no matter how wise you are, pretty much always means being in a relationship with someone being driven by these lower functions of their brain. You are essentially going to be stuck training someone like a dog in order to get the desired response. It works but it definitely ruins the illusion of true love and all that. It's all fake anyway since it's just your brain doping you up. Perhaps that is what your ex meant by "there is no love". But the average person would probably mean they didn't love you at all and just wanted to have sex, but perhaps this one was a gem that meant to convey greater philosophical meaning with that phrase.

Do you want to do the work to find someone? Do you want to just chill and not worry about it? The perfect partner is not going to be climbing through your window, only things not worth having are thrown in your lap. It's your choice... it's not like there is a correct and a wrong one... it all depends on your priorities. You can make the wrong choice if you are not certain about your priorities... so have those in order first.

 

[clg114]

My wife and I have been together for a very long time. She is a NT and I am on the spectrum. If asked, I would say that the reason we have been together so long is understanding. She has put in the effort to understand me and she knows more about autism than most NTs.

It pains me to read about someone giving up on love no matter how old they are. If you could find someone who would at least try to understand you, they would be a keeper.

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks. My true happiness is just to move on alone. I dated very little in my lifetime. l am happy after meeting this person. l just want to hold these memories until l become to old to remember them. It was love on many different levels. But sometimes timing in life is all wrong. Have a right to stay single the rest of my life. That's my choice.

 

[Aspychata]

I won't stop dating.
I never started.

Thank you. This was the best response. It really cheered me up. Thank you for taking time to respond. l choose not to date, and l will finally be happy.

 

[Autistamatic]

Have a right to stay single the rest of my life. That's my choice.

Of course it is, and I don't think anyone in their right mind would suggest otherwise. It's not a choice everyone would make, and it's a choice many have changed at a later date - life is not static and our choices change all the time due to circumstance and events. Some stick to it though, and if that is what suits an individual, it's nobody's right to try to change that. All anyone wants is to be happy, and that's all I, and I hope everyone else, wishes for you.

 

[Tom]

Just to touch on the point of what your friend said:'there is no love'. That might be true for an individual, but certainly is erroneous for people in general. For if it was true then it also would be true there was no sadness, no anger, no joy. These emotions are real and attested to a zillion times over. It just works best when it is mutual.

 

[Gracey]

I too was wondering about the 'there is no love' statement.

perhaps the relationship wasn't meeting the partner's expectations about love. What it is and how it's expressed.

Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting?

either way,

There is love.
Friends and partners capable of loving and being loved.

you clearly felt something.

I can't predict if you'll meet someone else if you keep trying.

I've held the belief that those who go on to matter to us,

those we go on to care about usually arrive when we're not making much of an effort to find them and sometimes when we least expect it.

It will never happen if we remain closed to the possibility.

I am sorry you're hurting. I imagine your track record of getting through what you're feeling is at 100%

While unpleasant, it doesn't kill us.
(although it can feel like it might at the time)

 

[Aspychata]

So the storyline gets weirder. My ex swears l have an extremely uncanny sense of timing. l have freaked out my ex with it. Apparently my timing was such that l freaked this person out. l was told by a very powerful person that l seem to possess certain qualities and this person was comfortable. Now l am frighten that this individual will be scared of me. I will never have a serious relationship. l will always be on the outside. l accept this. l have made my peace with it. Just hope he realises l am totally benign and despite odd things about me (lol), l still have a very good heart.

 

[Fino]

I've stopped dating and it's been five years so far! I plan to keep it that way, but I also realize life generally doesn't care so much about our plans.

 

[Wolfnox]

Never dated. As an outsider to this. It just seemed like a lot of work, emotional hardship, and pain for very little benefit to either party. Not to mention the emotional avalanche if one is hurt or dies. And if the person you love does die. Seems like your back at square one. Alone. My opinion.

 

[Fino]

Never dated. As an outsider to this. It just seemed like a lot of work, emotional hardship, and pain for very little benefit to either party. Not to mention the emotional avalanche if one is hurt or dies. And if the person you love does die. Seems like your back at square one. Alone. My opinion.

That's only if you imagine there's a destination. It's a set of experiences and memories. Not a mission.

 

[AnnadinNoliman]

I envy the capacity to even consider stopping dating. Some of us are just helplessly, hopelessly, delusionally romantic despite all evidence or even a full understanding of what romance even is. I'll say what has improved my relationships has been not accepting ambiguity. That's meant inquiring to death what every single thing my partner does means to the point of totally ruining evenings, and trying to explain my own mind as clearly as I can. This can sure drive a lot of people off but only the people that it never would've worked out with in the first place, you feel me? I feel like, at least for me, autism means I need total unbridled complete honesty in relationships and it's a little hard to come by but I've found it does exist with the right people.
One of my most recent mantras has been to not ever date someone that doesn't want to be with me. Which sounds kind of obvious but it's actually a pretty decent standard, my partners need to demonstrate they want to be with me or else it's over. A similar vein is never to date anyone that's broken up with you, they didn't value you then, why chance them not valuing you again. Anyway, that's just my boring two cents on relationships.
It seems like your ex was kind of terrible, no one should have to go through that much ambiguity and confusion and you have my sympathy. And it sounds like you're pretty set on the no-dating thing which I admire! Be you! Live your dreams! Achieve true happiness on your terms! Best of luck

 

[Wolfnox]

I respect that. But i cant help but feel like you always got that cloud hanging over your head. That some day this is going to end. Its not something id like to do to another person. By dying suddenly and leaving them alone. I know i cant choose when i die. But i just dont think its fair to put that other person threw that. My opinion.

 

[GadAbout]

I am fortunate to have married twice. The first was not very successful, but the second has been considerably more so.

From my perspective, it's too bad to give up on finding love. My sister got to that point, and died a bitter, lonely woman.

To me, being in a couple is a comforting and natural place to be. Sure, I've had my feelings hurt a few times. But I am so glad I did not let that stop me.

 

[Fino]

In my opinion, love and romance are often erroneously conflated. They can exist simultaneously, yes, but a life without romance is not necessarily a life without love.

 

[Aspychata]

There are many people that stay single and aren't bitter at all. Come to the assisted living homes. You may be surprised at how many happy older ladies there are.

 

[Sab]

Dating and relationships is really hard. It can really take a toll on your mental health. I can relate a lot to what you said about not knowing where you stand – that can be reeaalllyyy anxiety-provoking and exhausting. I’m sorry you had to end that relationship, but it does seem like you need a break from it if it’s been causing you a lot of stress.

I know that for me, the anxiety came from all the unsaid in my relationships and the fact that my need for very clear communication and honesty was not met. I think that gaining a better understanding of where the stress comes from, what needs are not met and communicating them clearly is ideal, but it also has to be the case from the other person and that can be hard. I just feel like when you have a better idea what you need to feel good in a relationship, it’s easier to realize and accept that a relationship is not working because a specific need you have cannot be met in that relationship. Which doesn’t mean you won’t find people with who you will be able to feel good and comfortable and safe though.

Access Intimacy: The Missing Link

This essay by Mia Mingus has been really helpful for me in understanding what feels so difficult for me in relationships and to not put the blame on myself as much. As autistic humans in an ablest world, there is a lot that is not accessible to us; spaces for one, but it’s also the case for relationships. If you’re in a relationship where your needs cannot exist or where you can’t be your authentic self, it will be really hard to feel good and comfortable and to build a relationship in which you feel safe and secure and calm. And that is not your fault.

I hope the article is helpful and that you will feel calm in the situation and will find new opportunities for nourishing relationships in the near-future.

Take care!