Telling truth is bad??

[Judge]

I got into a somewhat similar dilemma around Thanksgiving. My cousin and I had made dining arrangements at a restaurant, and then we'd head back home to watch some tv. Our usual holiday routine. My cousin then mentioned about stopping by her friend's house for a visit, and I told her that I'd just stay in the car and take a snooze.

I wasn't about to go through the stress of dealing with a house full of total strangers I'd likely never meet again. Predictably, my cousin took offense to this and it briefly got ugly. (But then we have a lot of those brief, but ugly moments.) So I made it very clear that under no circumstances would I have left the car .

Frankly I thought I was being relatively magnanimous by offering her the chance to meet with her friend while I opted to stay in the car. Knowing full well that she had little concern over my stress of dealing with strangers, particularly during holidays.

Luckily she decided not to make that stop, and it ended up on a more pleasant note. Guess I got lucky...

The things I do to perpetuate long-time family ties...

 

[Owliet]

I got into a somewhat similar dilemma around Thanksgiving. My cousin and I had made dining arrangements at a restaurant, and then we'd head back home to watch some tv. Our usual holiday routine. My cousin then mentioned about stopping by her friend's house for a visit, and I told her that I'd just stay in the car and take a snooze.

I wasn't about to go through the stress of dealing with a house full of total strangers I'd likely never meet again. Predictably, my cousin took offense to this and it briefly got ugly. (But then we have a lot of those brief, but ugly moments.) So I made it very clear that under no circumstances would I have left the car .

Frankly I thought I was being relatively magnanimous by offering her the chance to meet with her friend while I opted to stay in the car. Knowing full well that she had little concern over my stress of dealing with strangers, particularly during holidays.

Luckily she decided not to make that stop, and it ended up on a more pleasant note. Guess I got lucky...

It sounds like a difficult situation Judge.=( Shouldn’t have to feel like you got lucky for your cousin’s thoughtlessness — granted she could have meet her friend and you did give her an alternative. I think some people just enjoy causing upset….


It is very strange — this year IF my sibling did have her boyfriend come for Christmas, it wouldn’t be a big issue for me, even if it was dealing with stress from being around a stranger, he’s less of stranger this time around and it wouldn’t be awkward this time around if they both decided to disappear into her room for a few hours….Last year, it was awkward because there were a lot of unknowns and changes and expectations, and she even thanked us all directly saying he had a great time and that he enjoyed it and wanted to do it again…

Why say that, what made the change of mind and if he lied to her about it, then why would she lie to cover it? I really hope that she doesn’t marry him…If he can’t be truthful or she has to be untruthful to cover for his truths ….or both being rude and offensive.

 

[Judge]

Why say that, what made the change of mind and if he lied to her about it, then why would she lie to cover it? I really hope that she doesn’t marry him…If he can’t be truthful or she has to be untruthful to cover for his truths ….or both being rude and offensive.

Very good point. When on occasion, a "hidden agenda" may explain a great deal of unrelated considerations to make others around them understandably uneasy. That makes a great deal of sense to me, anyways.

 

[Owliet]

Very good point. When on occasion, a "hidden agenda" may explain a great deal of unrelated considerations.

It is quite possible, considering her previous behavior.

Yet, it is my fault for telling the truth. Just crazy…

 

[Forest Cat]

This is the problem at first, she said that she didn’t want him to come because she wanted to have Christmas with us. She said to me, that he didn’t feel welcome because he couldn’t get a glass of water. And to us yesterday, she mentioned about the kitchen and made a mention that when he was there he noticed it was dirty too (but he also noticed how untidy her bedroom was). I told her that if she wanted to make the kitchen tidy, she could do it. But I ended up doing it today….one less thing for mom.

I don’t know what is the true truth about him not wanting to come but it is not what she was saying about him not wanting to come because she wanted Christmas with only us. Remember, last year, she Didnt want him to come but he did. And when he was here, she didn’t do anything to help out either….neither of them did…

So he was invited into your home and his response afterwards was "the kitchen wasn't good enough for me, the bedroom wasn't good enough for me and no one brought me a glass of water when I was thirsty". And he didn't help out or do anything. He sounds like a real winner and a pleasure to be around. I'm sorry to hear everything became so complicated and difficult for you.

 

[MildredHubble]

I found this and thought it was kinda relevant...

 

[Owliet]

So he was invited into your home and his response afterwards was "the kitchen wasn't good enough for me, the bedroom wasn't good enough for me and no one brough me a glass of water when I was thirsty". And he didn't help out or do anything. He sounds like a real winner and a pleasure to be around. I'm sorry to hear everything became so complicated and difficult for you.

Yes. And when they did disappear for a few hours on Christmas Day, I was reading my book and they came out switched on Netflix and watched some anime. I did not really get to read my book that day…

 

[Owliet]

I found this and thought it was kinda relevant...
View attachment 90754

It is funny because it is true…=(

 

[Forest Cat]

Yes. And when they did disappear for a few hours on Christmas Day, I was reading my book and they came out switched on Netflix and watched some anime. I did not really get to read my book that day…

It does sound like your sister is wearing honeymoon glasses. In her eyes the guy is probably perfect. And so precious. That will not last forever.

 

[MildredHubble]

It is funny because it is true…=(

I know right!? This very situation has occurred more times than I can count. It's like "why did you ask me then?"

I don't understand why responding to the question they literally asked is seen as being awkward and evasive!?

 

[foliodoe]

This has been so confusing for me my whole life!

I get negative reactions when I'm honest, but people also don't like it when I lie. It's like I'm just supposed to understand intuitively when to lie or when to tell the truth. None of it makes sense to me.

I've also been accused of lying just for changing my mind. I find humans fascinating, but they are so irrational and silly most of the time.

 

[MildredHubble]

This has been so confusing for me my whole life!

I get negative reactions when I'm honest, but people also don't like it when I lie. It's like I'm just supposed to understand intuitively when to lie or when to tell the truth. None of it makes sense to me.

I've also been accused of lying just for changing my mind. I find humans fascinating, but they are so irrational and silly most of the time.

I often say some humans evolved from apes, but I evolved from cats. Cats make sense to me, I'm pretty good at communicating with them and I've never had an argument with a cat!

Perhaps you are a fellow feline?

 

[foliodoe]

I often say some humans evolved from apes, but I evolved from cats. Cats make sense to me, I'm pretty good at communicating with them and I've never had an argument with a cat!

Perhaps you are a fellow feline?

I feel more like a dog! I love sleeping on the floor and I'm fiercely loyal.
I come from several generations of crazy cat people, though... so I'm somewhere between the two

 

[Gracey]

Telling truth not bad.
Felt like the right thing to do, right?
It took several relatives to judge you and infer your truth was somehow bad.

If your relatives had heard your sister's words with their own ears, would they still judge you and infer you had done something wrong?

My guess is, they wouldn't.

My advice to you: stay out of the drama.

Let your sister tell your parents her truths.
You stay out of it.
... the only caveat to that is when you are asked a direct question requiring a direct answer.

for example, If your mum asked you directly,
"Has your sister said anything to you about her boyfriend and christmas?"
That is the time to relay your sisters truth. What she said verbatim.
You have been asked for the truth.

outside of the above situation, don't volunteer information you haven't been asked for.
- there's also an exception to that rule :
when you believe someone is getting hurt or abused, or hurting themselves and outside help and agencies need to be involved for safety reasons.
(can volunteer information to authority in that instance)

 

[Outdated]

Hi @Owliet, I was always a very good speaker. I'm very sensitive to people's emotions and I usually know what it is that they want to hear before they do. I can lie so smoothly and effectively.

But...

And it's a very big But, the way my mind works is very different to most people's. I'm not really capable of keeping up with conversations "on the fly", I can't process verbal information that quickly. In order to maintain and in fact control the pace of the conversation - I cheat.

I have a collection of standard responses to comments and questions, I have tens of thousands of them. An answer to every question I can think of. Yes, I over think a lot. A psychiatrist likened this to a reference card system and told me that it's actually quite common amongst ASD people.

I learnt at a very early age that people don't want to hear the truth, what they want to hear is my preprepared responses. The truth scares them. The reference card system works incredibly well...

Until someone asks me something that I don't have a preprepared response for. When this happens my mouth reacts far quicker than my brain does and simple honesty jumps out. Brutal Honesty.

It's something I can't help and can't alter, I've been like this all my life. Because I understand this about myself I refuse to feel any guilt over it. So sometimes I upset people. Tough luck. Sometimes they upset me too, it all balances out in the end.

 

[Luca]

I feel more like a dog! I love sleeping on the floor and I'm fiercely loyal.
I come from several generations of crazy cat people, though... so I'm somewhere between the two

I've been told that I have a "dog soul" too!
I'm also fiercely loyal, and I connect with dogs on a level that most people don't understand.

...

@Owliet I agree with Forest Cat that your sister's boyfriend sounds like a jerk. I don't think you did anything wrong. You told your mom something that was probably important for her to know, and your sister was the one who was lying so this is on her, not you.

I never understand how people can have the audacity to go into someone else's house (that they were invited into) and complain about things or suggest that the host is inadequate... not only is it obnoxious and impolite, but it's incredibly entitled.
But I know how this feels, I have been in extremely similar situations with family and friends. It sucks.

I also have a very difficult time not telling the truth, even if the truth is not what someone wants to hear, or kind of rude. I really try not to be rude or offensive to anyone, but I don't like lying or keeping things to myself. I'm working on finding a balance between being "honest," and being "blunt."
"Blunt," "direct," and "abrasive" are all words that have been used to describe me lol

 

[Judge]

Seems so many of us on the spectrum project a conditional/binary mentality over a great deal of things.

True/False
Yes/No
Good/Bad
Black/White

In my own case I prefer to be blunt at times and tell someone what I think they need to know rather than what they only want to hear.

 

[Au Naturel]

Diplomacy is actually very logical. It all depends on what your highest value is.

If your highest value is truth, you tell everyone exactly what it is. People are hurt because they were either unaware of painful truths or deliberately ignoring painful truths. You are likely to get hurt yourself. First, because pain has a way of being reflected back at you in anger. (Blame the messenger) Second, everyone has pleasant delusions they live under to make life easier to bear. Some of yours may get punctured too.

If your highest value is pain avoidance, it is perfectly logical to only tell things that will not hurt. Save the truth-telling for existential threats. For most humans, emotional pain avoidance is more important than knowing the truth. There's nothing illogical about it. It is a root value and root values aren't subject to logical verification. Very much like an axiom in math. One of the sayings I was taught when I was a kid sums it up nicely:

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

There is a reason why "white lies" are almost always forgiven. But silence is the better option if it is possible.

Then there is a judgment call of whether saying something that hurts a little now will prevent greater pain later. Unless it is life and death, I'd be very hesitant about it. Autistic people are not good at making that kind of judgment. I'm terrible at it.

Truth tends to be more valued outside of social interactions. But not always. Sometimes corporations and even nations are built upon obvious lies, and as long as you don't question the lies everything still works. Question them, and everything collapses into chaos. In Russia, it is called "vranyo."

"You know I’m lying, and I know that you know, and you know that I know that you know, but I go ahead with a straight face, and you nod seriously and take notes.” — Liesl Schillinger in ForeignPolicy.com, Feb 2018

 

[Au Naturel]

I found this and thought it was kinda relevant...
View attachment 90754

LOL! Then why the @#$%! did you ask?

A "reason" is an explanation of the logic and methodology behind your action. An "excuse" is when your boss is angry and doesn't care. Asking was purely rhetorical.

 

[Progster]

Why is telling the truth perceived to be a negative thing?

It's not always perceived to be a negative thing, but sometimes truths can be uncomfortable, inconvenient or cause a person emotional pain. People generally want to avoid causing emotional distress which may lead to conflict, and so hide the truth, or otherwise make up a white lie. People who tell the truth may be seen as insensitive for this reason. Telling someone that they are too 'big' for their new pair of jeans may be a fact, and some might just laugh it off and not be offended. Others, however, may have self-esteem issues or recognise the fact, but are in denial, and may get angry or upset at this uncomfortable (literally!) truth.