There are times I feel like an idiot.

[grommet]

I feel the same way all the time: but it sounds like you are far from stupid. You're right It's a terrible way to feel.

Thank you, it is. Being a kid I never understood what everyone else did, so I felt dumb. I couldn't even understand things in my own family when everyone else did. Why was I so stupid, I thought.

At school the other kids had friends, I did not. I did not understand how. So I felt bad.

The teacher would make a joke and everyone laughed. What was funny, why can't I understand the joke? I am stupid. Why am I so dumb.

TV did comedies did not make sense to me but everyone else laughed so much. I hated being in the room. I worried they would see me not laughing like they were. Stupid! They understand what is funny. I could not.

In school the other kids could understand the class and do the homework. If I was asked, I could not say what the lesson we just had was about. I failed my tests. They did not.

I got older and had to go to work. Everyone at work were like the kids at school, they understood the job and what the boss said. I was lost, nothing made sense to me. But I was honest and worked hard so I was almost never fired.

A lifetime of not getting what everyone else did made me feel like an alien. And dumb.

But I met a man who talked about interstitial boundaries in steel making. I understood that perfectly. I could see the carbon atoms, half as big, fitting in between the iron atoms and now the iron atoms could not move because the gaps were filled in. It was steel now and much stronger.

I understood when someone talked about ionizing radiation. Add enough energy to atoms and some electrons would be able to leave their orbit. Not enough electrons left now and the attraction between those atoms is different now, things begin changing. In DNA this means the instructions are no longer in the right order. Instead of normal growth, tumors. This made sense.

Someone explained better sound reproduction was hearing more of the music. That meant when I was listening to a song I had never heard all the silence before the note, then build-up, I was always arriving close to the note. I was missing part of the music, it was less full, less rich and the same at the end, I had never known it went on longer, I never heard it trail off so far it felt like infinity. When I was first shown a good sound system with Klipsch Heresey speakers I heard it. It was wondrous. They were right, the music was there and I never heard it before. I hear it now, what they said. That silent beginning and beautiful trailing note.

I understood when it was explained to me the true digital does not exist. There are not zeros and ones. There is something called ringing. The ones and zeroes represented high or low voltage states so - on or off. But the real world is real. Nothing happens instantaneously. The voltage raises and lowers. Was that a 1 or 0? Guessing. Enough samples and probably right. I was learning about heuristics and algorithms.

My favorite thing to learn was complex systems. The unknowable. Post hoc ergo propter hoc (after this because of it). Tell people a new product is better and they bought more of it. Or maybe it was because there was a new version of the technology and this was the first product that had it and that is why people bought it. The advertising had nothing to do with it. Complex systems are wonderful.

Regression theory was super fun! I loved hearing about that. Start at the end and work back to find the pattern leading to it. You cannot. But you can make guesses, find likely patterns. I thought it was more fun when they were wrong. The Mpemba Effect. It said that hot water freezes faster than cold. It does not and physics make it obvious. Fascinating seeing how the idea spread though.

But I cannot understand social situations, riding buses and when I hear people speak it can be a wall of sounds. I cannot pick out a single word sometimes.

I think not understanding so much can make a person feel stupid when they are not dumb. But I also cannot manage daily living very well. So I feel dumb then too and that is what I wrote about.

There was a film called "Little Man Tate". The boy understood so much about art and math but he commented "Matt Montini always has someone to eat lunch with."

Autistic people growing up without a single friend, never having a girlfriend or boyfriend, knowing they will never know how to have someone to eat lunch with can make them feel .. I do not know the words but you can start to call yourself dumb or some hurtful names because you blame yourself. Why can't I do what everyone else can?

Now it is the every day stuff that reminds me and I feel dumb because my brain is good at facts but bad with boiling water, cleaning things, taking care of my clothes or understanding bills. Then it all comes together, all the bad feeling and it seem lonely and hopeless and I blame myself.

 

[velociraptor]

I sometimes feel like an idiot, but, fortunately, it only happens on the days that end in Y.

 

[Outsider]

My replies and quotes are only showing up at the end of threads, rather than within the stream, and I can't figure out what's happening. At times simple things seem so hard. At other times difficult things are so easy.

I'm still learning how to use this software. It seems to me that i have erased several posts by mistake. I don't know how this has happened. Perhaps, you also have a problem with the software.

 

[AprilR]

Yeah me too. I feel like i did not learn things that other people learn by instinct. I cannot learn by instinct, if no one taught me anything i remain ignorant.

 

[RemyZee]

I'm still learning how to use this software. It seems to me that i have erased several posts by mistake. I don't know how this has happened. Perhaps, you also have a problem with the software.

I was wondering about that--,also I always interact with autism forums on my android, so there are constant ads and notices, so often the messages wind up disappearing behind the noise

 

[RemyZee]

Thank you, it is. Being a kid I never understood what everyone else did, so I felt dumb. I couldn't even understand things in my own family when everyone else did. Why was I so stupid, I thought.

At school the other kids had friends, I did not. I did not understand how. So I felt bad.

The teacher would make a joke and everyone laughed. What was funny, why can't I understand the joke? I am stupid. Why am I so dumb.

TV did comedies did not make sense to me but everyone else laughed so much. I hated being in the room. I worried they would see me not laughing like they were. Stupid! They understand what is funny. I could not.

In school the other kids could understand the class and do the homework. If I was asked, I could not say what the lesson we just had was about. I failed my tests. They did not.

I got older and had to go to work. Everyone at work were like the kids at school, they understood the job and what the boss said. I was lost, nothing made sense to me. But I was honest and worked hard so I was almost never fired.

A lifetime of not getting what everyone else did made me feel like an alien. And dumb.

But I met a man who talked about interstitial boundaries in steel making. I understood that perfectly. I could see the carbon atoms, half as big, fitting in between the iron atoms and now the iron atoms could not move because the gaps were filled in. It was steel now and much stronger.

I understood when someone talked about ionizing radiation. Add enough energy to atoms and some electrons would be able to leave their orbit. Not enough electrons left now and the attraction between those atoms is different now, things begin changing. In DNA this means the instructions are no longer in the right order. Instead of normal growth, tumors. This made sense.

Someone explained better sound reproduction was hearing more of the music. That meant when I was listening to a song I had never heard all the silence before the note, then build-up, I was always arriving close to the note. I was missing part of the music, it was less full, less rich and the same at the end, I had never known it went on longer, I never heard it trail off so far it felt like infinity. When I was first shown a good sound system with Klipsch Heresey speakers I heard it. It was wondrous. They were right, the music was there and I never heard it before. I hear it now, what they said. That silent beginning and beautiful trailing note.

I understood when it was explained to me the true digital does not exist. There are not zeros and ones. There is something called ringing. The ones and zeroes represented high or low voltage states so - on or off. But the real world is real. Nothing happens instantaneously. The voltage raises and lowers. Was that a 1 or 0? Guessing. Enough samples and probably right. I was learning about heuristics and algorithms.

My favorite thing to learn was complex systems. The unknowable. Post hoc ergo propter hoc (after this because of it). Tell people a new product is better and they bought more of it. Or maybe it was because there was a new version of the technology and this was the first product that had it and that is why people bought it. The advertising had nothing to do with it. Complex systems are wonderful.

Regression theory was super fun! I loved hearing about that. Start at the end and work back to find the pattern leading to it. You cannot. But you can make guesses, find likely patterns. I thought it was more fun when they were wrong. The Mpemba Effect. It said that hot water freezes faster than cold. It does not and physics make it obvious. Fascinating seeing how the idea spread though.

But I cannot understand social situations, riding buses and when I hear people speak it can be a wall of sounds. I cannot pick out a single word sometimes.

I think not understanding so much can make a person feel stupid when they are not dumb. But I also cannot manage daily living very well. So I feel dumb then too and that is what I wrote about.

There was a film called "Little Man Tate". The boy understood so much about art and math but he commented "Matt Montini always has someone to eat lunch with."

Autistic people growing up without a single friend, never having a girlfriend or boyfriend, knowing they will never know how to have someone to eat lunch with can make them feel .. I do not know the words but you can start to call yourself dumb or some hurtful names because you blame yourself. Why can't I do what everyone else can?

Now it is the every day stuff that reminds me and I feel dumb because my brain is good at facts but bad with boiling water, cleaning things, taking care of my clothes or understanding bills. Then it all comes together, all the bad feeling and it seem lonely and hopeless and I blame myself.

This really hits home for me. Thanks. Especially the part about not being able to boil water. But able to perform complex equations and comprehend algorithms. Have you ever considered
.....it Sounds like you might have a language processing syndrome like I have: i totally relate to the wall of sound thing, but I call it listening to spaghetti. So many of us with autism experience it and I wish I knew why because during a conversation I miss probably 50 to 80 percent of what someone is saying, and with distraction I'm likely not to absorb any of it. It is sooooooo easy to think it's because of stupidity but really it can be an issue with processing spoken language and with expressingmyself . I've gotten to where I don't just shut up like I used to,but instead will keep talking even when my words don't make sense, when the ideas and words don't match. Today at work i had to talk in front of people for a few minutes and my words sounded like a bunch of cabbage but I recently came out about autism at work --people are really ok with it if i constantly have to say " what was i just talking about:" or totally miss what someone means, or even worse become totally overwhelmed and break down crying.
Very recently Ive been basically letting people know what to expect from me when i meet them: that i might have to ask someone to remind me whats going on repeatedly and that i will physically, but not spiritually miss what they are saying from moment to moment. that has been wonderfully reassuring because people have been accepting, even kind about it, and if i have got no idea of what is around me or what i am doing people have a reason for my being as i am, and they wont hold it against me.. I really do wish I knew why spoken words and understanding spoken language seems to be a problem with so many autistic people i know-

 

[grommet]

This really hits home for me. Thanks. Especially the part about not being able to boil water. But able to perform complex equations and comprehend algorithms. Have you ever considered
.....it Sounds like you might have a language processing syndrome like I have: i totally relate to the wall of sound thing, but I call it listening to spaghetti. So many of us with autism experience it and I wish I knew why because during a conversation I miss probably 50 to 80 percent of what someone is saying, and with distraction I'm likely not to absorb any of it. It is sooooooo easy to think it's because of stupidity but really it can be an issue with processing spoken language and with expressingmyself . I've gotten to where I don't just shut up like I used to,but instead will keep talking even when my words don't make sense, when the ideas and words don't match. Today at work i had to talk in front of people for a few minutes and my words sounded like a bunch of cabbage but I recently came out about autism at work --people are really ok with it if i constantly have to say " what was i just talking about:" or totally miss what someone means, or even worse become totally overwhelmed and break down crying.
Very recently Ive been basically letting people know what to expect from me when i meet them: that i might have to ask someone to remind me whats going on repeatedly and that i will physically, but not spiritually miss what they are saying from moment to moment. that has been wonderfully reassuring because people have been accepting, even kind about it, and if i have got no idea of what is around me or what i am doing people have a reason for my being as i am, and they wont hold it against me.. I really do wish I knew why spoken words and understanding spoken language seems to be a problem with so many autistic people i know-

Thank you very much. No one ever talked to me about a language processing problem. " listening to spaghetti." That is it! Sorry for the exclamation point, they sound like shouting to me but you understand and that is exciting to me. It is like spaghetti. I know there are words but I cannot see any of them. Sometimes I notice a few but not with any meaning, just that I recognize them. I wish I could get help, an interpreter or social worker when I have meetings like when I saw a doctor recently and I still do not know what he told me and I think it was important.

But when I was there and started explaining to him I am autistic and I think literally so expressions confuse me, I saw the doctor get frustrated and look down on me, like I was exaggerating or making it up. His posture changed, he made a sound with his breath, I know the sound means someone is annoyed and he stopped me talking about it. That was not fair I think. But I did not want him mad at me so I did stop and it has been months and I do not know what he said. Every doctor or medical person I talk to acts that way. So I am lost, I cannot ask anyone for help. I wish I could get a medical social worker, if that is a thing.

I thought about asking if someone here would help interpret for me, maybe I could put my phone on speaker and they could hear the doctor and tell me what they meant.

Thank you for writing me.

 

[Outdated]

So I am lost, I cannot ask anyone for help. I wish I could get a medical social worker, if that is a thing.

It is a thing in Australia - autism support workers. Their job is to help you when you need to go places like medical appointments, or even just grocery shopping. They go with you. They also go with you to social events. They'll also try to help motivate you if you struggle with housework or personal hygiene, etc. Through our health care system we can get one or two free visits a week to help us with those sorts of things.

I was offered NDIS support like that when I got my diagnosis but I'm very used to living by myself and the thought of people coming around to check up on me made me feel a bit weird so I refused it.

 

[grommet]

It is a thing in Australia - autism support workers. Their job is to help you when you need to go places like medical appointments, or even just grocery shopping. They go with you. They also go with you to social events. They'll also try to help motivate you if you struggle with housework or personal hygiene, etc. Through our health care system we can get one or two free visits a week to help us with those sorts of things.

I was offered NDIS support like that when I got my diagnosis but I'm very used to living by myself and the thought of people coming around to check up on me made me feel a bit weird so I refused it.

I have not heard of any help like that here in the United States. I have not yet met anyone in medicine or any social worker or therapist who knew about autism. Everyone person I have spoken too said they did not know and did not have that training and worse, they told me they did not know anyone who did. The only advice was to hire a psychologist who specializes in it but they are $300-$500 for one hour. I can never do that and it seems unfair.

In my town if I need to stop smoking or help with gambling or if I am transgender they offer counseling.

Would you be willing to be on the phone when I am in an appointment so you could listen and tell me what they said?

 

[Outdated]

Would you be willing to be on the phone when I am in an appointment so you could listen and tell me what they said?

Unfortunately I have the same language processing problem as you and it's even worse over the phone. My phone is always turned off unless I have to make a phone call. I don't want incoming calls because I can never understand what people are saying. I average about one phone call a year.

 

[Outdated]

I tried searching for "autism support workers" in the US but all I got were Aussie results, but surely there's some similar scheme in the US. Not sure of your public health system though, I hear it's not all that good.

 

[grommet]

I tried searching for "autism support workers" in the US but all I got were Aussie results, but surely there's some similar scheme in the US. Not sure of your public health system though, I hear it's not all that good.

I cannot afford it but I have wanted to move to Australia for years. I will have to stay here though.

 

[Outsider]

Talking from an NT perspective--If a subject is of no interest to me, I make no attempt to understand someone’s speech even if he/she tries hard to convey the point. I hear the words but don’t bother putting them together to make sense of a speech. However, if I’m interested in a topic I choose to participate in the conversation and don’t miss a beat.

So, if an autistic person is not able to follow a speech that doesn’t relate to anything important to him, this is a natural occurrence that almost every NT has experienced, and there is no reason for worrying. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

But I cannot understand social situations, riding buses and when I hear people speak it can be a wall of sounds. I cannot pick out a single word sometimes.

This could be Auditory Processing Disorder. I first found out about it when my foster daughter was diagnosed with it.

After a while, I realized I have it too, but not so bad. There is a brief gap between my ears hearing a sentence and my brain putting it all together. I don’t like to listen to teaching videos. It is too hard for me to understand. I do much better reading the same material.

It might be a good idea to get an assessment for ADP. If you got a confirmed diagnosis of ADP, you could show that to doctors and other people to explain your problems in understanding. It is an easier diagnosis for them to understand. Easier than autism.

These assessments are done by speech therapists. Your doctor writes a prescription for it and then you go see the speech therapist to be tested. Most insurances cover it, I think.

 

[grommet]

This could be Auditory Processing Disorder. I first found out about it when my foster daughter was diagnosed with it.

After a while, I realized I have it too, but not so bad. There is a brief gap between my ears hearing a sentence and my brain putting it all together. I don’t like to listen to teaching videos. It is too hard for me to understand. I do much better reading the same material.

It might be a good idea to get an assessment for ADP. If you got a confirmed diagnosis of ADP, you could show that to doctors and other people to explain your problems in understanding. It is an easier diagnosis for them to understand. Easier than autism.

These assessments are done by speech therapists. Your doctor writes a prescription for it and then you go see the speech therapist to be tested. Most insurances cover it, I think.

Thank you for the good advice but I no longer can stand going to doctors. The appointments, the waiting, the questions. I feel like I have done it too much and it never helped anyway. I think I would feel different if I did get help. I am too tired of the disappointment. It seems like no one, not doctors or counselors know about autism. I did not think it was that rare. I think I am stuck and have to live this way by myself. I do not go out any more unless I have to. I do not like living like that but it never got better so I stopped wanting to try.

I understand autistic people so well and even strangers who are autistic are able to understand me. I would think there would be counselors for us. There was an online group on Twitter for autistic doctors. I guess I never had one. I think it could be amazing to have a check-up with an autistic doctor. Direct questions and very short direct answers. No feelings to have problems with, just facts. Fast and efficient. They could have shorter appointments maybe and I would get help for things I will not tell my doctor.

 

[Outsider]

Thank you for the good advice but I no longer can stand going to doctors. The appointments, the waiting, the questions. I feel like I have done it too much and it never helped anyway. I think I would feel different if I did get help. I am too tired of the disappointment. It seems like no one, not doctors or counselors know about autism. I did not think it was that rare. I think I am stuck and have to live this way by myself. I do not go out any more unless I have to. I do not like living like that but it never got better so I stopped wanting to try.

I understand autistic people so well and even strangers who are autistic are able to understand me. I would think there would be counselors for us. There was an online group on Twitter for autistic doctors. I guess I never had one. I think it could be amazing to have a check-up with an autistic doctor. Direct questions and very short direct answers. No feelings to have problems with, just facts. Fast and efficient. They could have shorter appointments maybe and I would get help for things I will not tell my doctor.

My friend has a much more serious condition than autism plus PTSD. He was unable to find a psychologist who would help him to with PTSD. It seems to me that there are not too many specialists in this field either. I asked his psychiatrist if she could provide PTSD counseling for him, but she said that this is his psychologist's responsibility. No help and total frustration for him.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Thank you for the good advice but I no longer can stand going to doctors. The appointments, the waiting, the questions. I feel like I have done it too much and it never helped anyway. I think I would feel different if I did get help. I am too tired of the disappointment. It seems like no one, not doctors or counselors know about autism. I did not think it was that rare. I think I am stuck and have to live this way by myself. I do not go out any more unless I have to. I do not like living like that but it never got better so I stopped wanting to try.

I understand autistic people so well and even strangers who are autistic are able to understand me. I would think there would be counselors for us. There was an online group on Twitter for autistic doctors. I guess I never had one. I think it could be amazing to have a check-up with an autistic doctor. Direct questions and very short direct answers. No feelings to have problems with, just facts. Fast and efficient. They could have shorter appointments maybe and I would get help for things I will not tell my doctor.

I thought you said you had a doctor you liked, that you go to. The one who suggested you try cymbalta.

That is the doctor you would ask for the prescription for the APD assessment. Then the person who does the speech assessment is not a doctor. She would be used to working with people with disabilities and would understand about speech problems, and understanding speech.

I’m telling you this not to try to persuade you to do this, but so that you understand the process. It is not like going to a new doctor. It would be a speech therapist used to people with disabilities and people who have trouble speaking and/or understanding speech.

 

[grommet]

I thought you said you had a doctor you liked, that you go to. The one who suggested you try cymbalta.

I like her very much but she does not do therapy, only prescribes medication. I wish so much she would do therapy, she is disabled too. Different than me but I think it might help her understand me. I do not like my GP. It is very unpleasant for me to see her. She does not understand anything about me and once said out loud, "You are the strangest person I ever met." that hurt so bad I never forgot it. I think she had no right to say that to me. You can have private thoughts but not think you have the right to say them out loud to the person. I never trusted her after that. There is no one else I think I could see there though and she is a very good technical doctor. I once cut my finger badly and she took care of it. I am not giving the details so I do not upset anyone but she stayed calm and took care of it.

That is the doctor you would ask for the prescription for the APD assessment. Then the person who does the speech assessment is not a doctor. She would be used to working with people with disabilities and would understand about speech problems, and understanding speech.

I did not know that. I do not know if I would ask her even if she could do that. I have seen so many doctors and had appointments and I am still the same person. It feels like going to the track to run, going to all that trouble, getting there, standing at the start and never running but going back to do it again. Makes no sense to me. I have not had one professional who knew about autism and understood me at all.

I’m telling you this not to try to persuade you to do this, but so that you understand the process. It is not like going to a new doctor. It would be a speech therapist used to people with disabilities and people who have trouble speaking and/or understanding speech.

Thank you.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Grommet, About 30 years ago I developed strange symptoms of pain all over. It was in my joints I thought. (I learned many, many years later it was inflammation of the connective tissue, but no one knew that back then.) I saw many doctors and some said it was all in my head. I hurt so much sometimes I could not get out of bed, even to pee. (I did get out of bed to pee, but I didn't want to.) I couldn't open jars. I couldn't run or exercise because everything hurt. I had to wear braces on my wrists because they hurt so much.

I don't remember how many doctors and therapists and so forth that I saw. It was very frustrating to be told to see a psychiatrist, when I had physical pain. I was told I was depressed and that is why I had the pain. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that I was depressed about life BECAUSE of the pain.

Anyway, it took years and years of experimenting to get the right group of medications to minimize my symptoms, and also the medical community has learned more things. Now we know I probably have one of the autoimmune diseases. It doesn't fit well into any of the categories, but close enough.

My problem then was not autism, but getting the doctors to believe me about my symptoms. But I had to keep trying. I learned to bring lists. I learned to bring questions. I learned to challenge doctors. I walked out of one doctor's office because he wouldn't shut up about how some of it was my fault.

My point is that in my case, continuing to fight for the right care was long and hard. I had to believe in myself and realize these people didn't know what they were talking about and look for other resources.

I know it is hard. I'm not saying you have to do it. Because no one knows what is really going on inside you, your abilities and the doctors you see. But from "knowing you" on the forum, I see someone who has great abilities and good understandings of many things and those make a good basis for learning more and achieving more of the kind of life you would like to have.

 

[Outsider]

I like her very much but she does not do therapy, only prescribes medication. I wish so much she would do therapy, she is disabled too. Different than me but I think it might help her understand me. I do not like my GP. It is very unpleasant for me to see her. She does not understand anything about me and once said out loud, "You are the strangest person I ever met." that hurt so bad I never forgot it. I think she had no right to say that to me. You can have private thoughts but not think you have the right to say them out loud to the person. I never trusted her after that. There is no one else I think I could see there though and she is a very good technical doctor. I once cut my finger badly and she took care of it. I am not giving the details so I do not upset anyone but she stayed calm and took care of it.


I did not know that. I do not know if I would ask her even if she could do that. I have seen so many doctors and had appointments and I am still the same person. It feels like going to the track to run, going to all that trouble, getting there, standing at the start and never running but going back to do it again. Makes no sense to me. I have not had one professional who knew about autism and understood me at all.


Thank you.

We both live in US but, I guess, in different states. I live in NY. In my state “GP” is another word for “family doctor”. These doctors are supposed to take care of patients’ physical health. No wonder why they know nothing autism.

It is clear to me that your GP has bad bed manners. You could complain about her lack of professionalism to her superiors if this is what you want They will assign another GP to you, but he/she will also have no knowledge of autism.

I gather the doctor that you like is a psychiatrist. The shortage of psychiatrists in our country is so severe that they don’t have time to consult their patients, which could take hours. They resort to prescribing medications after asking patients if they had had any problems prior to a monthly visit.

In NY consulting of autistic people is relegated to social workers. They do their best, but the lack of training is a severe impediment to their work.