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this is probably the last 'couple' post... so help me understand please...

ladybug said:
Do you think he was 'overloaded' and it was a 'knee-jerk' reaction....? (i know this may be difficult as you don't know us)
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If it was a turning a 10-notch the dial down from a 7 to a 6, then that could be a minor knee-jerk reaction.

If he was flipping a switch from a 1 to a 0, then that could be a major knee-jerk reaction.
 
ladybug said:
apparently after letting him talk and explain how i see things and feel....
we are 'still a couple' and not 'just friends'...!!What now....?
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When he needs to "withdraw" periodically, let him.

He'll be back. Learn not to take this personally. There are times when we withdraw from everyone and everything when and if possible. For our own good.
 
Judge said:
When he needs to "withdraw" periodically, let him.

He'll be back. Learn not to take this personally. There are times when we withdraw from everyone and everything when and if possible. For our own good.
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I am so aware of his need for 'down time' and his time to 'withdraw'.... i just need to find a way that he can let me know he needs/wants this.... I'm learning not to take these 'texts' personally.... but its harsh... and can be hurtful, but when i see him its like, he didnt mean to send them or its not what he actually meant..... i'm learning to try and not take this method of communication personally..... but from an NT point of view... you tend to say/text what you mean.....
is this 'not' always the way with aspies...? or is this only particular to my bf...?
 
ladybug said:
I am so aware of his need for 'down time' and his time to 'withdraw'.... i just need to find a way that he can let me know he needs/wants this.... I'm learning not to take these 'texts' personally.... but its harsh... and can be hurtful, but when i see him its like, he didnt mean to send them or its not what he actually meant..... i'm learning to try and not take this method of communication personally..... but from an NT point of view... you tend to say/text what you mean.....
is this 'not' always the way with aspies...? or is this only particular to my bf...?
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"If you've met one Aspie, then you've met one Aspie." ;)
 
Rich Gray said:
If it was a turning a 10-notch the dial down from a 7 to a 6, then that could be a minor knee-jerk reaction.

If he was flipping a switch from a 1 to a 0, then that could be a major knee-jerk reaction.
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thank you Rich Grey, for your ideas and help..... it really is a boon to have you guys here..... :)
 
ladybug said:
yeah yeah yeah..... i'm beginning to get that...!! :)
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It's true. We can potentially have many common traits and behaviors.

Or not. ;)

In my own case....well....I've never owned a hand-held device to text anyone. :p

When I read of such difficulties in communicating with loved ones, I'm not sure that I'd even want one. No telling what kind of trouble I could get into with being too brief in texting people. Especially loved ones. :confused:
 
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For all that we genuinely care, aspies are probably the wrong people to make do your emotional labour. And when I say that I mean it as an objection to his sil and brother unloading their problems on the poor guy.

He might have been grateful that you're not putting pressure on him if he'd had the energy left to feel it.

I don't believe time can be wasted.
 
Ylva said:
For all that we genuinely care, aspies are probably the wrong people to make do your emotional labour. And when I say that I mean it as an objection to his sil and brother unloading their problems on the poor guy.

He might have been grateful that you're not putting pressure on him if he'd had the energy left to feel it.

I don't believe time can be wasted.
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I agree....!! Unfortunately they only have each other for this kind of stuff neither of them has a lot of friends .... and my bf hasn't had a formal diagnosis.....so I'm trying to not take these texts (as he only texts this when he's stressed ) but doesn't say/ acknowledges/ admit to the content of these texts when we meet to 'chat' about it.....
 
From my point of view (I'm Aspie, partner NT) he is trying to keep you.

Right now he is being overwhelmed with stress and he is desperate to cut down the amount. There's lots of places that will not cooperate; but you are one who CAN cooperate.

From your point of view, trying to make the relationship closer reduces your stress. But it increases his.

He's trying to hang onto you in the best way he can. So don't dictate to him how you can take care of him; show him you can be a source of less stress by stopping any pressure on him to accommodate your idea of the relationship right now.

What he needs to do is see what other places he can dump stress from. He's probably got a totally skewed picture of what he can control, and what he cannot; and this has nothing to do with him being Aspie. Everyone has those problems!

If he has no control over his annoying and frustrating environment; that's the worst, and that is what he needs to address. Making his room a sanctuary, pushing the truly negative people out of his life, and seeing you as a resource, instead of someone who is also asking for things he cannot deliver... these will go a long way towards letting him think, handle his stressors, and figure out how you two can build a life together.

It maybe isn't the end. It can be a beginning.
 
I just want him to trust that I want to protect our relationship and his need for calm and peace when he needs it..... but for that he has to open up and trust me.... yes...??
 
How were you planning on showing him if he already assumed it to be the case?
 
Ylva said:
How were you planning on showing him if he already assumed it to be the case?
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It's difficult as he withdraws, because he feels that it's the same situation as with his ex previously..... when he withdraws I don't see him, as we don't live together .... not a lot of text.... so it's hard to show him...
 
ladybug said:
I just want him to trust that I want to protect our relationship and his need for calm and peace when he needs it..... but for that he has to open up and trust me.... yes...??
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Is it not that the more he trusts you, the more he opens up?

All a part of what other people have said above.
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
Is it not that the more he trusts you, the more he opens up?

All a part of what other people have said above.
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Yes.... i suppose so, i'm probably looking for 'the conversation' more than his actions.... we text and call st the moment... he's keeping me 'in the loop' with
whats going on with work/brother/sil etc....
but i'd like some 'us' time... to reconnect as a couple (which he says we still are)..... do you think that's asking too much of him at the moment.....?
 
ladybug said:
Yes.... i suppose so, i'm probably looking for 'the conversation' more than his actions....
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That may not a realistic expectation in a period when he's under so much social stress. You can reassure him all you want, however for him as long as all this external stress exists, pushing him to be more conversant may have consequences.

Timing is everything.

I don't honestly know if this is him, but it would be quite accurate about me. Learning to be loving and supportive in non-verbal ways may be the best way for you to "hedge your bets" under such circumstances.
 
Judge said:
That may not a realistic expectation in a period when he's under so much social stress. You can reassure him all you want, however for him as long as all this external stress exists, pushing him to be more conversant may have consequences.

Timing is everything.

I don't honestly know if this is him, but it would be quite accurate about me. Learning to be loving and supportive in non-verbal ways may be the best way for you to "hedge your bets" under such circumstances.
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I know that what I say, i'm looking for, won't happen (either at the moment or ever with him... hence 'I'm looking for..' )- its just a way of 'phrasing' out loud the situation i'm in... (with my NT head on...!!)
How would you register/know if someone was being loving and supportive without being with you....?
We met for a chat (his suggestion) a few days ago, and i thought we'd covered all the areas of his 'concern'.... i think he needs time, for it to 'bed in'... he seems to think that I will be whisking us off to play 'happy families' with my brothers.... (not going to happen)
but seems to 'not mind' the pressure that his own brother is putting on him....!! I'm trying to be supportive and keeping him happy...( I can make him laugh and he seemed happy and relaxed in my company the other day) so i can only go by that..... because I dont think he would 'put on a show' and pretend it was all enjoyable and a good day, if it wasn't....

can you give me examples of 'non-verbal' loving and supportive ways...?
 
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