this is probably the last 'couple' post... so help me understand please...

[Judge]

How would you register/know if someone was being loving and supportive without being with you....?

My feelings for a significant other don't advance or retard with distance. Equally my need for routine solitude never wanes. Yet both are mutually exclusive of the other. A concept easily misunderstood unless you're on the spectrum.

And if you really cannot understand or rationalize this, your best bet is to rely on faith that we bear no ill will in this. To learn to accept it without taking it personally.

can you give me examples of 'non-verbal' loving and supportive ways...?

As a significant other, just learn to show physical affection without any words. You'd be amazed how soothing that may be to those of us on the spectrum.

Welcome to our world.

 

[ladybug]

My feelings for a significant other don't advance or retard with distance. Equally my need for routine solitude never wanes. Yet both are mutually exclusive of the other. A concept easily misunderstood unless you're on the spectrum.

And if you really cannot understand or rationalize this, your best bet is to rely on faith that we bear no ill will in this. To learn to accept it without taking it personally.



As a significant other, just learn to show physical affection without any words. You'd be amazed how soothing that may be to those of us on the spectrum.

Welcome to our world.

ok.... sorry to be thick, but can you give me examples of 'showing physical affection'...?? that he would understand...? without the need for conversation...?

 

[Judge]

ok.... sorry to be thick, but can you give me examples of 'showing physical affection'...?? that he would understand...? without the need for conversation...?

I can't effectively answer that. You know him, and I only know of him. I've simply assumed you've been physically intimate with him in the past. Is this not the case?

But just about any non-verbal gesture carries weight from my perspective. That much I can tell you. As to the details, that depends on the chemistry between you and him.

Of course I say this exclusively in the context of being a significant other. To approach someone physically on the spectrum under different circumstances could amount to a violation of their personal space. There's a huge difference involved IMO.

 

[ladybug]

I can't effectively answer that. You know him, and I only know of him. I've simply assumed you've been physically intimate with him in the past. Is this not the case?

But just about any non-verbal gesture carries weight from my perspective. That much I can tell you. As to the details, that depends on the chemistry between you and him.

yes we have ..... i was just asking in case there was an 'aspie' way i didnt know of....
we have a very good intimate side.... but due to the times we've been together and the stress these last few weeks.... its been non-existant

 

[Judge]

yes we have ..... i was just asking in case there was an 'aspie' way i didnt know of....

Nope, although you should be aware of any specific sensory issues he may or may not have relative to tactile concerns. In my own case I don't really have any when it comes to the invited touch of another. But the key word for me is "invited".

All I'm really trying to emphasize here though is that words alone are not as critical to us as they seem to be for you in expressing affection and concern.

Conversely we may not say the things you so long to hear. And forcing them from us may have consequences, as it once did in my own case. When my g/f wanted so badly for me to say those magic three words and I didn't. At a time when my stress level on a scale of one to ten was about "39". As I said, "timing is everything".

It ended badly and thirty years later I am still remorseful over it. Though it wasn't for another 25 years or more before I even knew I might be on the spectrum. We can care a great deal about someone, yet not communicate it in what might be so meaningful to your way of understanding things.

 

[ladybug]

Nope, although you should be aware of any specific sensory issues he may or may not have relative to tactile concerns. In my own case I don't really have any when it comes to the invited touch of another. But the key word for me is "invited".

All I'm really trying to emphasize here though is that words alone are not as critical to us as they seem to be for you in expressing affection and concern.

Conversely we may not say the things you so long to hear. And forcing them from us may have consequences, as it once did in my own case. When my g/f wanted so badly for me to say those magic three words and I didn't. At a time when my stress level on a scale of one to ten was about "39". As I said, "timing is everything".

It ended badly and thirty years later I am still remorseful over it. Though it wasn't for another 25 years or more before I even knew I might be on the spectrum. We can care a great deal about someone, yet not communicate it in what might be so meaningful to your way of understanding things.

your honesty and openness is always, a help to me.... so thank you yet again... you seem to almost 'know' him.... without knowing... you give me the confidence to know, that I am right, in knowing my bf and I have a future, I know it won't be easy... and I/we will have issues.... so thank you, for almost knowing the right thing to say at the right time....

 

[Judge]

your honesty and openness is always, a help to me.... so thank you yet again... you seem to almost 'know' him.... without knowing... you give me the confidence to know, that I am right, in knowing my bf and I have a future, I know it won't be easy... and I/we will have issues.... so thank you, for almost knowing the right thing to say at the right time....

Hope it all works out for you. It's simply too late for me. I can't go back in time and right all the wrongs of my past. But perhaps I can help a few in the present in some way.

Who knows? Maybe it was all meant to happen like this. "Pay it forward".

 

[ladybug]

Hope it all works out for you. It's simply too late for me. I can't go back in time and right all the wrongs of my past. But perhaps I can help a few in the present in some way.

Who knows? Maybe it was all meant to happen like this. "Pay it forward".

You are not dead.....
You still have thoughts and feelings....
Maybe now is your time....?
It's not a case of righting wrongs, but learning to forgive yourself....
When you know better, you do better...

And now you know.....