Truth of Love Meme Poll

[NothingToSeeHere]

"The more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws"... well, obviously.

I suppose this may be behind some failed marriages, but definitely not all, in my experience friendships fail due to simply drifting apart and taking different paths in life, and children are abandoned due to their parents failings, not due to the child's flaws.

If you think you love someone but change your mind when you see how they act when they're hungry... then you were probably just infatuated and not in love at all.

The rest is rather, well... "filthy heart"?! "the darkness in another person"?! if someone you know is awful enough to deserve such descriptors you should get the hell away from them. Everyone has flaws, but this is ridiculously melodramatic language for most peoples.

As for love being about serving someone, pain and sacrifice... this is a description of a deeply unhealthy relationship. Relationships and love should not be about pain and sacrifice, they should be about two (or more) people working together to find the best path for them both, and being happy together. I hate our cultures perception that "love should be hard" and if you are unhappy in a relationship then you should just except the sacrifice and persevere... this is the attitiude that keeps people in abusive, or simply miserable relationships. If you are unhappy, and you can't find a way to change that, then leave the relationship!

I also reject the idea that loving someone is putting their happiness before your own. If you are raising a child, sure, you have chosen that responsibility and have to but that child first. But in an equal relationship between two adults, concentrating on the others happiness at the detriment to your own is not healthy.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I agree that the more intimately you know someone, the more apparent their flaws, but this doesn't explain why relationships fail because as you fall more in love you fall in love with their flaws too. It's part of who they are and what you love about them. Love isn't a fairytale but it isn't about accepting the bad, in my opinion if you're truly in love then you find their flaws beautiful and endearing... I do, anyway.

 

[Tom]

I think although it has some points correct, it also has made many incorrect assumptions. It reminds me of someone who has met one person and then claims everyone must be identical.

Some errors I see. Intimacy is not always required to see flaws. To say marriages fail, children are abandoned and friendships fail due to flaws is a gross generalization. Infatuations fade, parents are unable to provide, separation ends mutual experiences, etc. All have flaws certainly, but not everyone has a 'filthy heart'.

 

[theminx]

I'm curious to know what people think/feel about the the statement pictured in the meme below. Do you agree or disagree? Do you feel it depends on other factors; and, if so, what factors? Please feel free to elaborate.

I'm beginning to understand NTs go into a relationship with a different set of priorities than Aspies, with more expectations. They are more attracted to that person's potential, then who they are right then.

Like if it's a guy...he's thinking she's gonna have sex all the time. She's gonna be this or that...the cool girl all his friends will love.

Meanwhile, she's thinking he's gonna be the father of her child. He's gonna be the whatever at whatever and drive an amazing car...

Then when most of that doesn't play out as expected, they're disappointed.

I think us Aspies work differently. I don't think we go into a relationship with expectations. We go into a relationship seeking acceptance and understanding and companship. With with no expectation that they'll be anything more than who they are.

So, what I am saying is...I disagree, cuz I only love a very few select people, including my boyfriend, and (in regards to said boyfriend) I actually feel we've grown...

Let me back up a second. First, he's an Aspie, actually diagnosed before me. But we were together a good 8yrs before we knew about his diagnosis and a few more years before we discovered mine.

I think this is partly what drew us to each other...like our minds were a haven in a sea of chaos.

Don't get me wrong; we have our problems, like the fact I enjoy sex much more than he does. And, trust me, it is way more difficult to be the girl wanting sex in this sorta occasion, cuz if he don't want it...I ain't getting it.

We sometimes have communication problems, as I'm way more communicative than he is...and he wishes I had some magical power to read his thoughts without him ever needing to tell me, which is definitely never gonna happen.

But that's why we get along better now than we did initially. Initially, I knew he understood me better than anyone, but that's not because he told me...it was cuz of what he did for me.

Problem is...I need a person's words and actions to align...or uncertainty will set in.

So, the first few years of our relationship were tumultuous. Well, the first year was heaven. Then we moved in together...and it devolved quickly.

Luckily, we're both infinitely patient with each other. And we respected each other's boundaries from the get go. But I think any Aspie living with another human being has to make certain adjustments that initially feel...overwhelming and insurmountable. But we also both understood intellectually that just wasn't the case. We knew it would take time, but when we fully calibrated to each other...we realized that we truly liked and understood each other more than anyone ever had...

...and likely ever would.

I feel this tidbit exemplifies what I mean fabulously:

I was the first one to say "I love you".

I also qualified it with the following disclaimer: that I was going to say something to him...that I wanted to say...but with no expectation for him to say anything back, that I in fact knew he wouldn't say it back, so to please not feel pressured. The thing was...I'd almost said it unexpectedly already several times, so...if I didn't say it now...it would soon be said of its own accord, whether I wanted it to or not, so best I warn him about it.

So, I said it...and his eyes glinted...and he told me I was adorable, which made me blush.

Admittedly, I didn't expect him to say it back to me for months...then two weeks later...bam...he said it clear out of the blue.

He was tickling and he laughing cuz he thinks my panicky laughter when he tickle-tortures me is adorable. And when I went to attack him yelling "Rawr" with my fingers curled like claws, he said... F*ck...I love you!

He didn't say it often at first. And seemed to think it was strange I seemed to need to reavow my feelings for him so often.

Weird thing is...he now says it more than I do...and gets upset if I don't say it back.

Again, don't get me wrong...we've many issues. But because we're both extremely logical, I think though sometimes it's difficult not to get emotional...but we're both usually willing to admit either during or after the fact that our emotions skewed our thinking, so...we needed to step back...then reconvene.

Seeing a couple's counselor a few years back definitely helped.

I think it's folly to wait until a relationship is in dire straights to seek therapy.

We did so...because as well as we understand each other, we communicate so differently...it sometimes can be infinitely frustrating. Therapy helped us bridge that gap.

So, I feel we're closer now than ever before.

He now tells me the fact I don't load the dishwasher or catch all my crumbs is adorable, where he used to want to strangle me.

And I now don't get frustrated when he comes in my bedroom (yes, we've always had different bedrooms, it was one of the relationship selling points for both of us, especially cuz I wanted the bigger room...and he wanted a designated spot in the living room and control of the living room TV) to visit me and falls asleep diagonal across my bed, on top of the covers. As he's 6'4" and takes up quite a bit of space

I used to want to strangle him. Now I think it's adorable, even if I'm not able to fall asleep until he stumbles back to his bed half asleep.

So, and apologies for the diatribe, but I think NTs are more likely to grow frustrated with a partner over time.

Thoughts anyone?

 

[Tom]

I also experienced the shift from things that annoy you becoming things you accept and look at in a more positive way, just as their idiosyncrasies. They often existed in the beginning, the honeymoon stage, but back then they were cute and maybe an opportunity to be helpful. Becoming aware of this, and trying to get back to the earlier attitude was very useful in improving the atmosphere of each day.

 

[Cali Cat]

I've experienced both phenomena. I've come to accept, and even find somewhat charming, little things that initially annoyed me; but then I've also come to be highly annoyed by some things I found cute and charming in the beginning. I think, "Well, that was cute for awhile, but it's time to knock it off." This confuses my SO because he thinks, "But you used to like it." I think I never really did, but subconsciously, I was trying to turn a negative into a positive.

 

[jamhd]

Theminx, that was outstanding.

Especially the separate rooms bit. However when I tried that in a prior relationship it was taken as a personal attack by my ex.

To the original point, I think that our culture has a delusional definition of romantic love that is at odds with the human history of coupling.

Also a Norwegian friend has explained that in northern Europe, practicality and values play a much greater role in coupling than emotions and lust. It is a much more pragmatic approach that I think would work for myself.

 

[Cali Cat]

Theminx, that was outstanding.

Especially the separate rooms bit. However when I tried that in a prior relationship it was taken as a personal attack by my ex.

To the original point, I think that our culture has a delusional definition of romantic love that is at odds with the human history of coupling.

Also a Norwegian friend has explained that in northern Europe, practicality and values play a much greater role in coupling than emotions and lust. It is a much more pragmatic approach that I think would work for myself.

My late husband and I had separate bedrooms. He initiated it, but it was fine with me. Both of us were Aspies though, so I think we both understood the need for privacy even though neither one of us knew why at the time. Everyone else thought we were weird.

I agree that practicality and values should play a bigger role in long-term relationships, but I do have to have a physical attraction to my SO. The dilemma is that I repeatedly find myself attracted to "broken" men.

So, by the definition of love postulated by the meme that is the subject of this thread, it seems my love for a difficult person isn't really love at all unless I choose to accept whatever behaviors my SO decides to throw at me.

My feeling is that is a very narrow concept of love, and only applies in high-functioning relationships. It's kind of the ideal, like "happily ever after."

For some of us in difficult relationships, love isn't constant. We get fed up, leave, make up, come back, do it all over again until either we come to an understanding, or the drama becomes too much for one partner or the other.

 

[jamhd]

I generally do not play into the drama and remain calm and detached. I learned that sometimes that my exes just wanted to have a fight; I see no need and I am not willing to compromise on that. My ex explained after our last relationship that she always felt like a "****ing psycho *****" because I wouldn't respond or match her emotional states. I assured her I never thought that and understood that was just what she did and I was fine with it.

Hindsight and all..

 

[Judge]

I generally do not play into the drama and remain calm and detached. I learned that sometimes that my exes just wanted to have a fight; I see no need and I am not willing to compromise on that. My ex explained after our last relationship that she always felt like a "****ing psycho *****" because I wouldn't respond or match her emotional states. I assured her I never thought that and understood that was just what she did and I was fine with it.

Hindsight and all..

It's definitely quite challenging to maintain a close relationship with a Neurotypical, given their apparent propensity to react negatively based on our behavior which usually has nothing to do with them personally.

And how difficult it may be to explain it...or to get them to believe it. As if this scenario has it's own built-in "credibility gap".

 

[jamhd]

It's definitely quite challenging to maintain a close relationship with a Neurotypical, given their apparent propensity to react negatively based on our behavior which usually has nothing to do with them personally.

And how difficult it may be to explain it...or to get them to believe it. As if this scenario has it's own built-in "credibility gap".

It's funny that you use the term credibility gap, it is one of my pet terms.

 

[Cali Cat]

I generally do not play into the drama and remain calm and detached. I learned that sometimes that my exes just wanted to have a fight; I see no need and I am not willing to compromise on that. My ex explained after our last relationship that she always felt like a "****ing psycho *****" because I wouldn't respond or match her emotional states. I assured her I never thought that and understood that was just what she did and I was fine with it.

Hindsight and all..

I don't feed the drama either, but I still find their emotional meltdowns very taxing on my nerves. That's why my last relationship ended. I feel I loved him very much, but the constant high pitch of his emotional tirades just wore me down. With or without love, I had to get out because I was about to go into shutdown mode myself.

I guess the point of this thread is to determine how others on the spectrum respond to a limited definition of love like the one expressed in the meme. Some of us, like myself, simply don't have the capacity to endure the onslaught of repeated negatve behaviors no matter how much we love someone, and I don't really appreciate statements such as that in the meme that seem to say our capacity for "true love" is somehow faulty because of that.

It's been very interesting getting multiple points of view.

 

[Judge]

Too much drama in relationships always affected me in a cumulative manner. I'd let an incident or two ..or three or five- slide for a long time until I'd react badly at some point.

I suppose I'm partly to blame in not aggressively seeking to resolve one issue before dealing with another at times.

 

[Cali Cat]

Too much drama in relationships always affected me in a cumulative manner. I'd let an incident or two ..or three or five- slide for a long time until I'd react badly at some point.

I suppose I'm partly to blame in not aggressively seeking to resolve one issue before dealing with another at times.

I'm the same way. I now feel it was partly my fault for not addressing the issue more aggressively from the start.

Sadly, I lack good communication skills when it comes to emotional matters. I find it hard to define what I'm feeling until I've had time to process it thoroughly. By that time, the moment has passed, and I feel foolish bringing it up, like I'm going to stir it up again.

 

[Judge]

Sadly, I lack good communication skills when it comes to emotional matters.

Too much emotion clouds my ability to communicate. It's really quite simple, yet profound in my case.

 

[Lena_C]

Oh what a meaningful topic, I have something to say.
To me, love is honesty, I love someone for being who he was and who he is.
I can understand everyone did something wrong in their daily life.
I'm not a Saint, I might not forgive every foolishness, but if someone dare to tell me the truth and admit it, I have bonus point for him, and yes, the chance of forgiveness is 300% UP.
If you're being dishonest, trying to hide up secret from me and let me find out, watch out, you're playing fire and that is dangerous.
I can't see the safe/peace if a relationship was developed on a pile of lie, even only ONE untruth.
That being said, confess them all or take them to your grave.

Love is "to believe, to trust", if you already know that isn't the truth, that make no sense to me to still "believe". Therefore, Love? Bye~

 

[Cali Cat]

To me, love is honesty ...

Love is "to believe, to trust", if you already know that isn't the truth, that make no sense to me to still "believe". Therefore, Love? Bye~

That's a very profound point. If trust is gone, then continuing to believe (love) is futile ... if I understand you correctly.

 

[Lena_C]

That's a very profound point. If trust is gone, then continuing to believe (love) is futile ... if I understand you correctly.

Correct.
I assume I'm believing the truth, if not, the man who "cheat" me should go to hell for being dishonest.
I don't like to be a fool. Just can't get used to it.

 

[Maelstrom]

Correct.
I assume I'm believing the truth, if not, the man who "cheat" me should go to hell for being dishonest.
I don't like to be a fool. Just can't get used to it.

My ex-girlfriend lied to me almost every time she opened her mouth, sure she was trying to prevent family conflicts by doing it, but it prevented trust from building between us and led to a bad end. It still bothers me today that she trusted me so little that she felt the need to lie about everything, I am a nice guy I would have tried to work through things with her, she didn't need to do that.
I will never fully understand why she lied so much, some of the things were so obvious that lying about them was pointless....all she did was upset me with her lack of truthfulness. It is also why I didn't get back together with her after she finally got away from her crazy family, who wants a wife who is willing to lie about whether she burnt the toast...I mean you can look at you plate and see the toast is black.

 

[theminx]

I'm curious to know what people think/feel about the the statement pictured in the meme below. Do you agree or disagree? Do you feel it depends on other factors; and, if so, what factors? Please feel free to elaborate.

I've been thinking about about this meme...about love...and the conclusion I've come to is just as complicated as the question itself.

Have you ever seen the film called The Mexican, with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts? At one point...I think it was she who said to the question about love: Sometimes love is not enough.
So, to me this means...you might love someone unconditionally, but this in no way negates the fact that if the person you love is having a negative impact on you or those you care about, then that means you should not tolerate it...or remain with this person...

...cuz no matter how much you love them...or whether the love is "conditional" or "true", either way, sometimes love itself is just not enough.

Take a mother whose son has turned to drugs to cope with life's trials and tribulations, like in the film Requiem for a Dream. (Yes, I often use movies to help me to better understand the human condition and its perpetually fluctuating nature.) Should such a mother tolerate her son's nefarious behavior, especially if he's stealing from her and those she cares for or are within her proximity? Should the needs of the one be placed at a higher priority than herself or the many? Or paraphrasing what the Vulcans of Star Trek say: Why should the needs of the of the one outweigh the needs of the many...

...or what I say: the needs of yourself?

I think the line from The Mexican sums it up the best: Sometimes love is not enough.

Sometimes you need...more. Sometimes you need your needs...your self respect...your happiness to come first.

Especially when anothet's happiness comes at the expense of your own.

Especially when another's love is so conditional it could be detrimental to you both...

...but most definitely detrimental to YOU!

This is most important.

Not to be selfish or self serving.

But for the same reason the airlines caution adults to place the airmask on yourself before doing so for your children...

....we must also be certain our needs are priority before we think of worrying about another's.

Self love...self compassion...and self respect must come before all other loves....

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. So, I think...just because you love someone it doesn't mean they deserve that love.

This is my conclusion.

This is what I know. This is the purpose of love...from my own personal perspective