Unsolicited comments (of any sort)

[Rayner]

Correct. I'm 18 and male. That's also possible that might be the reason. Granted I do look a little bit younger than my age.

I checked your profile and it says you're male. That may very well have something to do with it. I'm female, young (22), and look even younger.

Furthermore I'm pretty sure the guy who harassed me today was also hitting on me. My mom says if a guy talks to me just because he wants to, he's hitting on me. It's disgusting because a lot of them are my dad's age.
One good thing is my dad gave me permission to give them HIS number if they ask for mine. XD I'm still waiting for the opportunity though.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Still, just being male automatically makes you less likely to be harassed. Sad but true. :/

So when I get harassed at work I always come home and tell everyone about it. After Saturday's incident I was especially angry. Today my mom called one of the managers (the one who hired me) and told her about all this, and she said I can tell her about any customer who harasses me - and apparently there are regulars who are known by her for harassing people, which doesn't surprise me. Also I can have a "safe space," or something, to go to when harassed.

I like knowing the management is trying to help, but I'm not sure how effective these things are going to be. My ultimate goal is to deter people; to not be a target anymore; for harassment to never happen in the first place. Second best would be the harassers getting punished. But with these it's going to happen anyway. I just don't understand how anti-harassment rules can be enforced without the management confronting the customer, and they're never around when it happens.

But here's a part of it that's good all around: she gave me official permission to carry my personal alarm to work. I clipped it onto the front of my apron, and it's pink while the apron is black, so it's pretty conspicuous. I don't know how many harassers will know what it is, or if they do I don't know if it'll deter them, but let me just say if they harass me once... they'll know exactly what it is and hopefully it will deter them if they ever see me with it again.

 

[Rayner]

It's nice that your employer is taking actions. Honestly it's hard for management to deal with harassers, without driving away their customers.

You're right being male does make me less of a target for harassment. As much as I like to think that it's my 'warbonnet' that keeps the harassers away, in realty it's probably my not so pretty face and deep subwoofer like voice that keeps the harassers at bay.

Still, just being male automatically makes you less likely to be harassed. Sad but true. :/

So when I get harassed at work I always come home and tell everyone about it. After Saturday's incident I was especially angry. Today my mom called one of the managers (the one who hired me) and told her about all this, and she said I can tell her about any customer who harasses me - and apparently there are regulars who are known by her for harassing people, which doesn't surprise me. Also I can have a "safe space," or something, to go to when harassed.

I like knowing the management is trying to help, but I'm not sure how effective these things are going to be. My ultimate goal is to deter people; to not be a target anymore; for harassment to never happen in the first place. Second best would be the harassers getting punished. But with these it's going to happen anyway. I just don't understand how anti-harassment rules can be enforced without the management confronting the customer, and they're never around when it happens.

But here's a part of it that's good all around: she gave me official permission to carry my personal alarm to work. I clipped it onto the front of my apron, and it's pink while the apron is black, so it's pretty conspicuous. I don't know how many harassers will know what it is, or if they do I don't know if it'll deter them, but let me just say if they harass me once... they'll know exactly what it is and hopefully it will deter them if they ever see me with it again.

 

[umbrellabeach]

So this is my current makeup look for work. In addition to the eyeliner I've also started filling in my eyebrows and wearing dark red lipstick. I also apply blush at an angle. I've taken a lot of tips from this article.
What do you guys think?

The last time I was harassed was 2.5 weeks ago, on the evening of September 2nd, when I was doing shopback and a random (older) guy passed me and mumbled something unintelligible (though I think it ended with "how you doing") and when I looked up he was looking at me with this creepy smile. Yech. Wish I'd pulled the alarm on him.

At that point I'd gotten as far as my eyebrows but not lipstick yet. I've only worn lipstick (which Wet n' Wild has for $1, yay!) to work three times so far, and each time, people have generally left me alone. Last night a coworker actually told me I look "mad as hell can be," LOL. Though I was irritable because customers are stupid even when they're not making unwelcome comments, and I was tired and stressed out.

 

[umbrellabeach]

So yesterday morning I had an interesting interaction which I'm not sure counts as harassment, but it didn't leave me happy (well, partially because I was already mad because they'd changed my schedule so I had to stay an extra 45 minutes and didn't know until I got there and looked at it).

There was a guy standing in the floral section looking at the flowers, and as I passed by, he said, "Ma'am?" Of course I thought he wanted help so I acknowledged him. But he just said, "Happy Tuesday." Inside I was thinking, "Bit late for that," but instead I just said, "Uh, thanks," because I didn't want to explain and probably end up getting told to think positive or something.

I can't remember what he said after that, but it prompted me to ask, "Do I know you?" And he said, "No, but I see your uniform, which means you work here and you work in customer service and represent this company," etc. And I said, "I'm a bagger."
And he said, "You're a bad girl? Oh, no, I don't think -"
"No, I'm a bagger."
"Haha, I know, I know. I'm just messing with you."

AGAIN. Why do so many men (even my own dad) feel the need to do this? Are they really just pretending to mishear me to tease me (which is a thing, apparently), or do they truly mishear me and then act like they just pretended they did so they don't look stupid? Either way, pretending to mishear me or not admitting they did makes them look 1000000x dumber. I don't know if he was trying to flirt with me (he was a few decades older than me anyway) but it was having the opposite effect. I will NEVER, EVER go for a guy who can't take me seriously.
(Really, since I'm content single, there's no hope for anyone, lol)

Also, at one point he was talking about my apparent representation of the company and said, "And the smile that you have..." *pause, wait for me to smile; I do not* "And the smile that you have..." *again, pause; no smile from me HA*

Even though what he said wasn't my fault, I regret asking if I knew him. I didn't recognize him, so that should have been my answer. At that point I could have just walked away and carried on with my job. So new rule: don't engage in any social interaction that's not either absolutely necessary or on a subject that's not me (such as cats).

 

[midlife aspie]

Great job! That guy may have been trying to make a 'pass' at you. You totally killed it. You should have confirmed that you were indeed a very bad girl and that you were on work release from the 'pen', where you were confined for assaulting a strange man who made unwelcome advances toward you.

 

[Judge]

AGAIN. Why do so many men (even my own dad) feel the need to do this?

In terms of why Neurotypical minds say and do what they will I can only speculate on their basic motive as a fellow heterosexual male.

That teasing and flirting can be one and the same for them when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. And that it may be an almost involuntary thing to do for many. Enabled by a rationale that flirting is considered a veiled compliment far more than derogatory behavior.

It makes no sense, but that it is what it is.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Great job! That guy may have been trying to make a 'pass' at you. You totally killed it. You should have confirmed that you were indeed a very bad girl and that you were on work release from the 'pen', where you were confined for assaulting a strange man who made unwelcome advances toward you.

I'll keep that in mind for next time it happens.

 

[umbrellabeach]

So after a while of not having any trouble, today was a JACKPOT of harassment. One of the offenders - the first one - was trying to flirt with me and said he wanted to call me, so I told him he couldn't call me, and that I'm not interested in relationships. The up-front manager was at my register and he leaned over and told her to fire me because I was "being rude." Ugh. But obviously I'm not going to be fired for refusing a date. I told the manager what had really happened and nothing came out of it. And the last one heard the manager call out to me that I could go on my break, and randomly said as I was going to the stairs, "No, you can't take your break." Obviously teasing but EXTREMELY rude, and for NO f*cking reason. I didn't even stop or turn to acknowledge him, but I was very tempted to flip him off or yell at him. If I hadn't been within the manager's sight I would have flipped him off or yelled at him. I did yell something, but no one heard me since I had let a few seconds of silence pass and thus let the butthole get away. Of course. And this isn't even everything that happened today.

It seems that every time I try something to avoid harassment, it dies down for a while only to come back with a vengeance, like the world collectively, instead of individuals, is surprised at first but then gets used to and comfortable with it. On days like today I want to murder everyone I come across.

One interesting thing about today though: right after I got that stupid comment and went on my break, I filled in my eyebrows more with the brown pencil (CoverGirl midnight brown, which would be the perfect shade for me if beauty alone were my pursuit), but it wasn't dark enough so I used some of my black eyeliner on it too. Then, of course, they were much thicker and darker. And no one bothered me for the rest of my shift. So I guess I see how it is. Always make them thick and dark, and there's no such thing as going overboard. Maybe try black lipstick...

I bought some mascara as well, but I need to watch tutorials on it.

 

[toothless]

ive never had sexual type comments as im ugly by societys standards but i get alot of comments on my behavior and how i present myself-ie because i wear big ear defenders and padded helmets, i personally dont care as im so used to it,i think the best thing is to let it go over your head,tell yourself they dont know you so theyve got nothing to judge yourself on,and if it gets more intense at work you should report it.

 

[ksheehan88]

So after a while of not having any trouble, today was a JACKPOT of harassment. One of the offenders - the first one - was trying to flirt with me and said he wanted to call me, so I told him he couldn't call me, and that I'm not interested in relationships. The up-front manager was at my register and he leaned over and told her to fire me because I was "being rude." Ugh. But obviously I'm not going to be fired for refusing a date. I told the manager what had really happened and nothing came out of it. And the last one heard the manager call out to me that I could go on my break, and randomly said as I was going to the stairs, "No, you can't take your break." Obviously teasing but EXTREMELY rude, and for NO f*cking reason. I didn't even stop or turn to acknowledge him, but I was very tempted to flip him off or yell at him. If I hadn't been within the manager's sight I would have flipped him off or yelled at him. I did yell something, but no one heard me since I had let a few seconds of silence pass and thus let the butthole get away. Of course. And this isn't even everything that happened today.

It seems that every time I try something to avoid harassment, it dies down for a while only to come back with a vengeance, like the world collectively, instead of individuals, is surprised at first but then gets used to and comfortable with it. On days like today I want to murder everyone I come across.

One interesting thing about today though: right after I got that stupid comment and went on my break, I filled in my eyebrows more with the brown pencil (CoverGirl midnight brown, which would be the perfect shade for me if beauty alone were my pursuit), but it wasn't dark enough so I used some of my black eyeliner on it too. Then, of course, they were much thicker and darker. And no one bothered me for the rest of my shift. So I guess I see how it is. Always make them thick and dark, and there's no such thing as going overboard. Maybe try black lipstick...

I bought some mascara as well, but I need to watch tutorials on it.

I always wear black eyeliner and mascara, mainly because I like how it looks, but also when combined with the rest of my look it tends to keep people away

 

[umbrellabeach]

I always wear black eyeliner and mascara, mainly because I like how it looks, but also when combined with the rest of my look it tends to keep people away

I currently use black eyeliner, dark brown eyebrow pencil, side blush, and dark red lipstick. Yet I'm still having trouble keeping idiots away, as this thread shows. I also avoid eye contact with most customers and as of yesterday I put on a "b!tchy," stuck up act when I walk around. I don't know if people actually think I'm stuck up, but as long as it keeps them away I don't really care.
The problem is that putting on an act for hours at a time, as we all know here, is exhausting. I have to consciously remember to do it because it's not how I naturally am.

I tried the mascara. Poked my eyeball and it hurt like crazy. Gotta learn how to do it better. Also eyelash curling.
I've also tried to contour, but it's tricky and I just look like I have a dirty face.

 

[Maelstrom]

I currently use black eyeliner, dark brown eyebrow pencil, side blush, and dark red lipstick. Yet I'm still having trouble keeping idiots away, as this thread shows. I also avoid eye contact with most customers and as of yesterday I put on a "b!tchy," stuck up act when I walk around. I don't know if people actually think I'm stuck up, but as long as it keeps them away I don't really care.
The problem is that putting on an act for hours at a time, as we all know here, is exhausting. I have to consciously remember to do it because it's not how I naturally am.

I tried the mascara. Poked my eyeball and it hurt like crazy. Gotta learn how to do it better. Also eyelash curling.
I've also tried to contour, but it's tricky and I just look like I have a dirty face.

How is looking hot going to get guys to leave you alone?

Not that looking hot is bad, but Mael is confused

 

[ksheehan88]

How is looking hot going to get guys to leave you alone?

Not that looking hot is bad, but Mael is confused

MAel, its not about trying to make yourself look hot.

Its about making yourself look unapproachable.

In my experience, the more "alternative" you look, the less likely people are to try and engage with you

 

[Maelstrom]

MAel, its not about trying to make yourself look hot.

Its about making yourself look unapproachable.

In my experience, the more "alternative" you look, the less likely people are to try and engage with you

Okay but then umbrellabeach ,will need to go Gothic or something to scare the guys off. Which brings up a interesting point on Gothic chicks....how much of this stuff is social self defense???
I am a little puzzled on umbrellabeach 's situation she is sort of cute but seems to attract more attention than is warranted....the emotionless aspie face can explain some of the comments bit not all.
Perhaps she is somehow sending off a vulnerability vibe of some kind...maybe the shyness and pulling back is drawing guys in?
She maybe should take some self defense classes and read some books on assertiveness....then maybe that will vanish and she won't be bothered so much?

 

[Judge]

I once worked with a very attractive woman who made a point of maintaining a very nasty look on her face coming to and going from work. I once asked her about it, and she burst out laughing saying it was a good way to keep people away from her.

Simple, but to her it apparently seemed quite effective. Interesting how someone perceived to be so attractive could change it all visually in an instant.

But then for many of us, well...I suppose we aren't apt to display a lot of expression to begin with. I know that's the case with me.

Though I suppose there will always be one of those persons out there who may look at us "as a challenge" and be intrigued rather than repelled by our attempts to keep others at a distance. Must be very frustrating at times.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Yeah, I wonder what Goth girls' reasons are too. And trust me, I don't think I look hot with the makeup. I just want it all to be dark. I wonder how I'd look with black lipstick.

The guys who tease and harass me (mostly middle-aged or older men) are attracted to me because I look young and naive. I especially did when I wore braids* and no makeup. I guess I looked like a little country girl and they thought I was so cute they could take advantage of it.
*Ha. People still tell me I'll appreciate my overly thick hair when I'm older, but so far it's only brought me misery. I'd rather go bald than be harassed! And I have to admit I have, on multiple occasions (mostly while having trouble getting my hair to behave), thought of shaving my head and wearing a bandanna like a cancer patient. Though on second thought, I bet these people tease cancer patients too.

I have pierced ears so I could wear dark earrings in addition to dark makeup. (I did recently buy some everyday studs, some of which are dark, but keep forgetting to wear them to work.) Maybe I could get another piercing or two. Maybe have two holes in each lobe and one on each helix. And a choker necklace with spikes.

I'm really what you would call a "girly girl." I love pastels, flowers and pretty things. But if I show it, I get harassed.

If someone took my facade as a challenge and kept trying to make advances on me, I would report them to management. Maybe bring my camera to work and take a picture/video of them. Then run away before they can take the camera.

 

[Judge]

If someone took my facade as a challenge and kept trying to make advances on me, I would report them to management. Maybe bring my camera to work and take a picture/video of them. Then run away before they can take the camera.

It's still a form of harassment. Yet I doubt the perpetrator with such a mentality would accept it as such. They'd probably imply that you should take it as a compliment without ever bothering to examine such a scenario from your point of view.

 

[umbrellabeach]

It's still a form of harassment. Yet I doubt the perpetrator with such a mentality would accept it as such. They'd probably imply that you should take it as a compliment without ever bothering to examine such a scenario from your point of view.

I agree. Same mentality of the people who say catcalling and groping are compliments. They want us to shut up and not fight back so they can keep doing it.

Countless times in my adolescence people would tease me, and I'd get upset, then get scolded (sometimes by my own parents) and told to "not be so sensitive" or "grow a thicker skin" because "they were just having fun with me." Really, as I now recognize, they wanted to keep doing it without being fought back or dealing with the consequences, so they blamed me. Now that I'm an adult, my parents are on my side about the harassment issue, but I wonder if they'd feel differently if it were their friends doing it, as opposed to strangers at the store. In my youth it was always their friends.
Then later we got kicked out of MN, so it was all for naught!!! Those people are gone from our lives, but my parents are still left with me. Be careful whom you stand up for.

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't." -Louis C.K.
(I should put that in my signature.)

 

[Maelstrom]

Yeah, I wonder what Goth girls' reasons are too. And trust me, I don't think I look hot with the makeup. I just want it all to be dark. I wonder how I'd look with black lipstick.

The guys who tease and harass me (mostly middle-aged or older men) are attracted to me because I look young and naive. I especially did when I wore braids* and no makeup. I guess I looked like a little country girl and they thought I was so cute they could take advantage of it.
*Ha. People still tell me I'll appreciate my overly thick hair when I'm older, but so far it's only brought me misery. I'd rather go bald than be harassed! And I have to admit I have, on multiple occasions (mostly while having trouble getting my hair to behave), thought of shaving my head and wearing a bandanna like a cancer patient. Though on second thought, I bet these people tease cancer patients too.

I have pierced ears so I could wear dark earrings in addition to dark makeup. (I did recently buy some everyday studs, some of which are dark, but keep forgetting to wear them to work.) Maybe I could get another piercing or two. Maybe have two holes in each lobe and one on each helix. And a choker necklace with spikes.

I'm really what you would call a "girly girl." I love pastels, flowers and pretty things. But if I show it, I get harassed.

If someone took my facade as a challenge and kept trying to make advances on me, I would report them to management. Maybe bring my camera to work and take a picture/video of them. Then run away before they can take the camera.

I'm sorry you get bothered so much umbrellabeach , wishing you the best maybe change your demeanor? so they don't see you as such a easy target.
I like the blue and pink with white lace stuff on ladies allot my self ...but find Goth Girls cute too!
Good luck with things! Mael