What do you consider being "needy"?

[Judge]

I'm all for withdrawing when necessary, for as long as one needs, but I hope you're open to the possibility that someday, someone might come along and surprise you. You just never know who's out there, and how or when your paths might cross.

Having said that, I can respect someone who has decided they're just done with all of it. There are other ways to fill a life than with another person. If you can be happy with that, more power to you.

I've posted myself before that in matters of the heart, you never know what will happen in the future. It's true. However these days I'm a bit preoccupied with survival much more so than the prospect of any relationship. A scenario I'd reckon that doesn't make me all that appealing to much of anyone. I'm also choosing to live in relative isolation....not sure if I'll ever snap out of that...but anything is possible!

So many love/hate dynamics....it makes life complicated.

 

[Harrison]

So many love/hate dynamics....it makes life complicated.

You just answered something that's been nagging in the back of my head, cheers.

 

[Judge]

You just answered something that's been nagging in the back of my head, cheers.

For what it's worth, this is something I suspect many of us deal with in a broad way. It's what so often makes it all so difficult to explain to anyone else. That I'm a walking contradiction on multiple levels. It makes no sense, but it's quite often just who I am.

 

[HarleyMama]

It seems to me that I find an NT to be "needy" when their need for contact and emotional *stuff* is do great that I'm overwhelmed. It's hard to balance meeting their needs with my own need for space and quiet. It takes a lot of energy for me to deal with NT emotions.
I've noticed that I often (incorrectly) think an NT is pushing their emotions on me and I get very frustrated and want nothing to do with it. Also, trying to guilt me or emotionally manipulate me just makes me mad because I'm not wired to understand that.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Hi AC friends,
I haven't posted in awhile but I'm doing better -- I still miss my Aspie but I'm just letting time heal my heart and hope that one day he will still reach out to me. I've been wondering though … I've read a lot of books and posts about NT/AS communication. On one hand, NT's must be specific about their needs and wants to their AS partner but I also read that some Aspie's become overwhelmed or think that their parter becomes too "needy." At what point does asking for what we (NT's) want become too needy? I ask because NT's and Aspie's need for space and communication are different.

I know in an NT/NT relationship, constantly asking for what you want can be looked at as "needy." But we might have to do this in a relationship with an Aspie if he is not able to remember. Some things also considered needy are insecurities which requires the partner to "check in", constantly calling/texting, taking over your partners Facebook page, checking your partner's voicemails/emails, having to see each other all the time and discussing marriage too early. I'm sure these would be considered needy in any relationship. Some NTs thrive on having constant communication via text/IM/email/phone calls throughout the day….would that be too much to ask from an Aspie?

I'm hoping that I'll have another chance with my ex and if I do, I want to make sure that I am clear to him about my needs without becoming too "needy."

What do you consider being "needy"?
Being me and sending a message to any girl.

The biggest tip is to try not to exceed their text message lengths by the amounts I can and often do. I really need to hold back.

I've noticed that I often (incorrectly) think an NT is pushing their emotions on me and I get very frustrated and want nothing to do with it. Also, trying to guilt me or emotionally manipulate me just makes me mad because I'm not wired to understand that.

You sell 'why aspie girls are sexy' so well. Damn I really hope I can find an online place to find them.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Coming from an NT woman's point of view, what about the problem of someone not being "clingy" enough? If women are said to be "too clingy", maybe it's because there isn't enough attention from the other side and they're being "too farthy" (my word for too far away).

 

[AsheSkyler]

Coming from an NT woman's point of view, what about the problem of someone not being "clingy" enough? If women are said to be "too clingy", maybe it's because there isn't enough attention from the other side and they're being "too farthy" (my word for too far away).

Aye, that's always a distinct possibility. I've certainly spent some time pestering and annoying my husband until I get a kiss and then I leave him alone.

 

[paloftoon]

Needy to me can be asking questions repeatedly that are already answered, not being able to reciprocate or respond properly when asked something, not trying to be independent enough from family or others possibly, not trying to be responsible, and maybe even (selective) fear of social anxieties.

Even though there could be scenarios where we can be validly scared about anything based on our past experiences, background, and personalities, we also keep in mind that at some point, we do need to take some risks too.

 

[Maelstrom]

This is a difficult and depressing thread, because if you are in love with some one, and they say they are in love with you, you would think contact and time together would be fairly welcome? So how do you measure between the need for space and a lack of love and consideration? Very difficult they both look almost identical, we're down to parsing annoyed tone of voice when they pick up the phone, or looking for a general one way pattern on willingness or reciprocation. This one is real hard as I would feel terrible if I dumped a nice person just because they were tired, on the other hand no one wants to invest too much time in a selfish person. This one haunts me......

 

[On the Inside]

And on the flip side,

This is a difficult and depressing thread, because if you are in love with some one, and they say they are in love with you, you would think contact and time together would be fairly welcome? So how do you measure between the need for space and a lack of love and consideration? Very difficult they both look almost identical, we're down to parsing annoyed tone of voice when they pick up the phone, or looking for a general one way pattern on willingness or reciprocation. This one is real hard as I would feel terrible if I dumped a nice person just because they were tired, on the other hand no one wants to invest too much time in a selfish person. This one haunts me......

And on the flip side, it is difficult to be needing some space, or time to yourself, and the other person just wants to be with you but you can't be the "you" they know because you have to go off and be the "you" you need to be sometimes.

My partner calls it the "Jekyll and Hyde" when she's peeved. That bothers me, because it seems like something really bad, and before I was diagnosed thought that maybe I had a personality disorder.

I would say that my partner is more towards the needy side, though I know she just wants a close relationship, and she wants that with me. So I have really struggled with the idea that our relationship might not work out in the end because of this. It shouldn't be insurmountable, but I might be looking at it too logically. Togetherness, closeness, a shared life is all emotion based with a bit of practicality thrown in.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="On the Inside, And on the flip side, it is difficult to be needing some space, or time to yourself, and the other person just wants to be with you but you can't be the "you" they know because you have to go off and be the "you" you need to be sometimes. Togetherness, closeness, a shared life is all emotion based with a bit of practicality thrown in.[/QUOTE]

As a auspie I am well aware of this problem, my interest is in figuring out how to split the baby so you don't have to throw away a good person unnecessarily. Perhaps the trick is a spoonful of sugar, give your honey a little hug and kiss and say honey I need a little quiet time. I can handle that easy enough, I was more worried about measuring the true level of affection of some one I'm dating, it is a hard road when you're not real good at reading faces, and i have learned that words can not always be trusted. I'm H/F and this stuff still bends my brain into a pretzel sometimes, (Sigh!)

 

[On the Inside]

As a auspie I am well aware of this problem, my interest is in figuring out how to split the baby so you don't have to throw away a good person unnecessarily. Perhaps the trick is a spoonful of sugar, give your honey a little hug and kiss and say honey I need a little quiet time. I can handle that easy enough, I was more worried about measuring the true level of affection of some one I'm dating, it is a hard road when you're not real good at reading faces, and i have learned that words can not always be trusted. I'm H/F and this stuff still bends my brain into a pretzel sometimes, (Sigh!)

I guess I've been lucky, (well, maybe not?!) the relationships I've had have been with women who were very forward, even I couldn't help but notice. Things progressed quickly, I just hung on, went along with it and played my "quiet, confident strong male" role the best I could.

I say maybe not, because the more forward the person is might be a signal about the level of togetherness they might need. Eventually the role I've played couldn't cover up the person I really am, and there started to be gaps in our togetherness needs. The people I dated who didn't come across strongly were too difficult to read, and nothing blossomed, that's tough.

Sorry to twist the pretzel even more. Just try to be honest to her and yourself.

 

[Maelstrom]

I guess I've been lucky, (well, maybe not?!) the relationships I've had have been with women who were very forward, even I couldn't help but notice.

I say maybe not, because the more forward the person is might be a signal about the level of togetherness they might need.

I have been doing basically the same as you, but my last disaster has me questioning if that game plan is wise. I feel I need a less aggressive girl with my auti thing, but landing one requires I be more aggressive in finding, courting, and reading her. From my point of view I have to be willing to take the hit on the front end to win on the back end. What do you think on this?

 

[On the Inside]

I have been doing basically the same as you, but my last disaster has me questioning if that game plan is wise. I feel I need a less aggressive girl with my auti thing, but landing one requires I be more aggressive in finding, courting, and reading her. From my point of view I have to be willing to take the hit on the front end to win on the back end. What do you think on this?

My partner has chided me about being too passive throughout our relationship. If (and maybe when, I'm not out of the woods in my relationship) I am ever looking for that special someone again, I think I would take your approach. There were definitely one or two people I wish I could have been more assertive and decisive with, I felt I let them get away. Less aggressive, as you put it, might be a better fit for an Aspie.

Before I met my partner, I was pursuing a woman I was quite attracted to, she acted pretty laid back, but appeared interested. We had a few dates, and were both involved in the same community of interests, so we saw a lot of each other. I had strung this along for several months due to my discomfort with being more aggressive. Turned out she really wasn't interested in me, had bigger plans and was moving out of state anyways. I could have saved myself a bunch of heartache if I'd been more assertive.

I did, however, vow to let it go and move on in a timely fashion, which I was able to do for the first time in my life. I met my partner around that time, in the same community of interest, and I thought she was (and is) more down to earth. A better match there, but as I said, there is a gap in the togetherness needs, and an early signal was the assertive pursuit/passive going along with it dichotomy. So, yes I think your approach is good, take your lumps now.

 

[Maelstrom]

My partner has chided me about being too passive throughout our relationship.
but as I said, there is a gap in the togetherness needs, and an early signal was the assertive pursuit/passive going along with it dichotomy. So, yes I think your approach is good, take your lumps now.

I agree with you, (On the Inside), there seems to be a cruel life contradiction here. In order for us less aggressive auties and aspies to get a softer more accepting life partner, we are cursed with the need to be more aggressive in finding them and catching their eye. I hope I am up to the task, or life is going to be long and lonely.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Needy to me can be asking questions repeatedly that are already answered, not being able to reciprocate or respond properly when asked something, not trying to be independent enough from family or others possibly, not trying to be responsible, and maybe even (selective) fear of social anxieties.

1) Maybe the question is being asked again because it hasn't been answered appropriately.
2) What does answering a question with the proper response mean? Whatever response a person gives is their proper response.
3) I don't see how being too close to family is clingy. My Aspie friend is close to his parents and that is one thing I greatly admire about him.
4) What is fear of social anxieties? Is that fear of social situations? And if so, isn't that an Aspie trait?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Perhaps the trick is a spoonful of sugar, give your honey a little hug and kiss and say honey I need a little quiet time.

You have it figured out and don't even know it. That would be all I would need to hear. Of course, I know about Aspies. If you say nothing and just go spend time alone, I would be left wondering if I had done something wrong - not that you just needed to be by yourself for awhile.

 

[Maelstrom]

You have it figured out and don't even know it. That would be all I would need to hear. Of course, I know about Aspies. If you say nothing and just go spend time alone, I would be left wondering if I had done something wrong - not that you just needed to be by yourself for awhile.

That's about right Grumpy Cat it seems in life a little spoonful of sugar would make every thing go down better, (Mary Poppins). I don't know why we all sit around counting black marks so much, and are so grudging about giving out thee love and affermation others need. Perhaps we spend so much time feeling sorry for our selves, we miss oppertunitiess to make others happy, and making others happy can bring its own happiness.

 

[Vinca]

When I think about how I have responded in the past to a boyfriend expressing their needs, I notice the following

-if I was able to do what he wanted then I didn't feel as if he was being too needy

-if I wasn't able to do what he wanted then I would become stressed as I didn't know how to navigate a situation where someone asks something of me that I can't do/give. I suppose I would say in this situation he was being to needy for me, but perhaps for someone else it would have been a comfartable level of 'needyness'.

I keep thinking there must be a system of communication (most likely involving muliplte options and tick boxes), that would enable two people to make 'need requests', which would facilitate the negotiation of a course of action in which the needs and limitations of both parties would be accommadated.

 

[On the Inside]

When I think about how I have responded in the past to a boyfriend expressing their needs, I notice the following

-if I was able to do what he wanted then I didn't feel as if he was being too needy

-if I wasn't able to do what he wanted then I would become stressed as I didn't know how to navigate a situation where someone asks something of me that I can't do/give. I suppose I would say in this situation he was being to needy for me, but perhaps for someone else it would have been a comfartable level of 'needyness'.

I keep thinking there must be a system of communication (most likely involving muliplte options and tick boxes), that would enable two people to make 'need requests', which would facilitate the negotiation of a course of action in which the needs and limitations of both parties would be accommadated.

That seems to state things pretty clearly, that the expectations that the other person has of what they want from their partner becomes the need, and they become needy, when the partner is unable to provide/fulfill that expectation. Unfortunately, it might be something that can only be fulfilled by that person, within their concept of that relationship. If you can't do BLANK, then you're not my partner, friend, whatever.