I thought I might add more to this, after first writing it, but haven't, so I guess it's time to share it. I was going to post this on the thread "How do you communicate", as it's the one that spawned it, before I managed to register for this site, but I can't find it anymore, and it's relevant here, and my back is starting to scream again, so I'm going to have to get off the computer and stretch, so here goes:
I've been thinking about how I’ve made the successful relationships in my life work. And the difference between validly feeling connected to other people and/or wanting to do stuff that works for other people even if it’s not necessarily natural for you, and doing socially expected stuff and NT typical relationship stuff because it’s what’s expected, but feels false and yucky. About how if the relationship is worth it, you focus on listening to the other person, and hearing them, and paying attention to the things (big and small) that are important to them, and reciprocating the feelings they engender in you, in ways that feel genuine. I’ve been told many times that I am ‘thoughtful’, and/or ‘kind’ in the relationships I choose to participate in. Even if I don’t necessarily feel that I am being anything out of the ordinary, or… I dunno the word, but people think I’m putting more energy into relationships than the average person, when I’m not necessarily, I’m just reciprocating what I feel. Sometimes I make an effort to express these feelings in a way I know will make the other person happy, and other times, it just comes naturally, or accidentally.
I have spent a lot of time and energy over the years discovering what is important to the other people in my life, and what will make my relationship with them better, and allow me to get what I need from them, (and them from me, which is usually related). I guess, realizing and figuring out how to operationalize the ‘give and take’ that are necessary in relationships. And even acknowledging and sometimes communicating, that I’m not going to be able to contribute in an equal way. (or not feel like it. Sometimes I’ve been told later that people get things out of their relationship with me, even when I don’t feel like I’m contributing a lot, or enough.). And sometimes it has meant figuring out a way to indicate to the other person that they are important to me, or that I do value the relationship, or am paying attention to them, in a different way than a neurotypical would, because I either can’t do it in the way NTs do, or doing it in an NT way feels false and counter-productive to me. Sometimes these different methods have meant the NTs in question have seen me as spending extra effort than another NT would. I know that sharing victories and successes and happy things are just important as sharing the bad things, because everyone needs balance, and if all you’re getting out of a relationship is hearing the bad things, then you’re going to bet burned out and not want to be in that relationship anymore. I know that mentioning or asking about the little things that go on in the other person’s life is important, because it shows interest in the other person’s life. Sometimes those little things are important to the other person. And if they’re important, or at least interesting to you too, so much the better. I find I often don’t do that until the relationship is farther along, and I’ve decided the person themselves are important to me. And therefore that person’s happiness is also important to me.
Sometimes people need their difficulties recognized and acknowledged in order for them to have the mental space and energy to hear yours. Empathy works both ways. And I’m finding more and more that I can relate to other people’s stresses. Partly because of so many of the ones I’ve gone through. I do know that having been through everything I’ve been through in my life has made me more compassionate. Receiving compassion and empathy and sympathy have probably made a big difference too, in my ability to feel it for others.
Other people sharing their struggles with me has helped me to see that some things are universal, and that everybody’s dealing with something. Although I’ve needed people in my life who have recognized and acknowledged, and accepted, the differences as well. That some things are specific to autism, or to being a child abuse survivor, or… whatever. That nondisabled people don’t face a lot of the things those of us with disabilities do. And that those of us with invisible disabilities have our own set of difficulties that people with visible disabilities don’t. Being able to see myself and been seen as unique and part of a community (or several) has been a really important part of my development as a person, and in my ability to develop compassion for other people. It has also made a huge difference in my ability to relate to other people in a meaningful way.
How other people have shared their difficulties with me has probably made a difference too. There’s a big difference between sharing it in an overbearing, obnoxious, self-righteous way, and sharing it in an honest, self-possessed, responsible way. (or something. Having trouble coming up with the right words.) There’s a difference between a ‘stoicism run amok’, or dictatorial way, and an honest, accountable, acknowledgement that some things in life are just difficult, and everybody’s human, for lack of a better phrase. Or, perhaps, that ‘nobody’s perfect’. The people who have acknowledged to me that they have feelings, and they have difficulties with things, but who have also been fully responsible for looking after their own feelings and behaviours have taught me so much more about how to be real, or how to be human, or ... whatever word you want to use, than those who have either insisted that their emotions don’t exist, or that you shouldn’t have emotions, and should be able to handle everything yourself, and those who have decided their emotional and physical or functional problems are someone else’s responsibility, ever have.
Finding a way for me to connect with the people who are important to me, in a way that works for me, has meant that I’ve had many supportive, beneficial, even reparative relationships. I guess it comes down to what Jim Sinclair said long ago in xyr “Bridging the Gaps” article: “I have exactly as many relationships as I want. I relate only as myself, only in ways that are authentic to me. I value people only as themselves, not for their roles or status, and not because I need someone to fill empty spaces in my life.” Not trying to be some imitation of an NT, not trying to do things their way when I know it doesn’t work for me, in fact, it has meant deliberately rejecting NT ways of relating when I know they are bad for me, or not useful. But it has also meant deliberately figuring out some way that I can meet the needs of the NTs in my life (‘cause let’s face it, they’re unavoidable to a certain degree), while also not betraying myself, and also meeting my own needs, has been the key.
Much of that has meant rejecting generic relationships, or connections with people who don’t mean anything to me. It has meant being selective about who I choose to spend energy on relating to. It has meant openly ignoring people who aren’t worth my time or energy. It has meant using assistive technology to communicate with people who are difficult to pay attention to, and/or in situations where I need to be able to keep track of what’s going on, and be able to create new thoughts, (unfamiliar, or seldomly encountered medical professionals, unknown bureaucrats, group discussions, etc.), and saving speech for only those who’ve reached a certain level of importance in my life, or a certain level of familiarity. It has meant insisting on communicating with people in person or via email, or more recently by text (or even more recently, due to COVID, via videoconference) and refusing to deal with them on the telephone because it’s just too difficult. In other words, it has meant defying convention, in order to find a life that works for me. It has meant expecting, and in some cases, demanding people to provide reasonable accommodations and accessibility, which has meant discovering what ‘reasonable accommodations’ are, and sometimes working out a compromise so that everybody’s needs can be met. In both personal and professional relationships.
It has meant fighting battles against people who don’t think they should have to accommodate me, and that everybody should think and act the same way. It has meant finding advocates with more power than I do when my self advocacy efforts haven’t been sufficient. It has meant standing up for my right to be different when some people haven’t wanted me to. Sometimes even people close to me. It has meant sometimes dealing with the trauma that has resulted as a result of people’s refusal to accommodate me. Sometimes from people’s refusal to even understand why they should, or might need to. But a lifetime’s experience had by then taught me that to cave in, and to not stand up for my rights, would’ve resulted in greater trauma. Of course, part of learning self advocacy skills has also meant learning that standing up for my own rights does not mean trampling on anyone else’s, and that sometimes there is a certain ‘juggling act’ that is required in order to come to a suitable compromise that works for everyone. And I’ll repeat that I’m referring to both personal and professional relationships here. Self advocacy is as much for personal, as it is professional relationships. Maybe even more important in personal relationships, if I really thought about it.
