donkey_kebab
Well-Known Member
As a child it was the dark. Right up until my late teens I was completely paralysed by it (still very occasionally now, but so infrequent it is not an issue).
As I became older it became heights. This got worse as the years passed, to the point that being on a ladder a mere 10 feet off the ground physically paralysed me. I have recently made a HUGE discovery though. While working on a recent job I had to climb a steel gantry regularly, one with only wire mesh for a floor. For the first few weeks I was a laughing stock with my white knuckles gripping the handrails and NOT being able to let go with both hands, but as the days went by I became accustomed to it. It was then I had the revelation.
I am not scared of heights. I am scared of what I'll do when I'm up there! I get the most crazy urges to jump. Not in a suicidal way, but in an impulse kind of way. When I started looking back I can now remember being at the top of huge cliffs back home. All my friends would stand on the edge but I'd have to lie down and crawl to the edge. Because of the overwhelming thought of what would happen if my impulses overpowered my rational mind. A few years ago I was on the London Eye (HUGE ferris wheel) and I had to stand at the opposite end from the door, because I became transfixed on the door handle and wanted to see if it was locked. (Have to stop now because even thinking about it is over stimulating me).
My biggest fear at the moment is not getting the correct diagnosis at my upcoming Autism Assesment and being forced to live an NT life for the rest of my days. It utterly terrifies me. I just can't do it (act) any longer. I've hidden, acted and pretended for forty odd years and I cannot keep up the act any longer, I'm exhausted. My getting a diagnosis is hinged on getting a previous mental health diagnosis overturned. I worry that they will close ranks rather than admit they were wrong. If they do this I really don't know how much longer I could go on. My only solace at the moment is that this is just a FEAR. Until the assessment has happened there is nothing I can do so I should stop worrying. I'm scoring so high on the various tests available that I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing.
As I became older it became heights. This got worse as the years passed, to the point that being on a ladder a mere 10 feet off the ground physically paralysed me. I have recently made a HUGE discovery though. While working on a recent job I had to climb a steel gantry regularly, one with only wire mesh for a floor. For the first few weeks I was a laughing stock with my white knuckles gripping the handrails and NOT being able to let go with both hands, but as the days went by I became accustomed to it. It was then I had the revelation.
I am not scared of heights. I am scared of what I'll do when I'm up there! I get the most crazy urges to jump. Not in a suicidal way, but in an impulse kind of way. When I started looking back I can now remember being at the top of huge cliffs back home. All my friends would stand on the edge but I'd have to lie down and crawl to the edge. Because of the overwhelming thought of what would happen if my impulses overpowered my rational mind. A few years ago I was on the London Eye (HUGE ferris wheel) and I had to stand at the opposite end from the door, because I became transfixed on the door handle and wanted to see if it was locked. (Have to stop now because even thinking about it is over stimulating me).
My biggest fear at the moment is not getting the correct diagnosis at my upcoming Autism Assesment and being forced to live an NT life for the rest of my days. It utterly terrifies me. I just can't do it (act) any longer. I've hidden, acted and pretended for forty odd years and I cannot keep up the act any longer, I'm exhausted. My getting a diagnosis is hinged on getting a previous mental health diagnosis overturned. I worry that they will close ranks rather than admit they were wrong. If they do this I really don't know how much longer I could go on. My only solace at the moment is that this is just a FEAR. Until the assessment has happened there is nothing I can do so I should stop worrying. I'm scoring so high on the various tests available that I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing.
I can't stand the thought of millions of lives being lost over something as ridiculous as political differences ...
