What one particular social cue or courtesy you most struggle with?

[Progster]

Putting on an act of being enthusiastic when people show me their family or holiday pictures, or tell me their news, and making it look convincing.

Reciprocating small talk questions.

Receiving compliments.

 

[ftfipps]

I wouldn't dare do a wink. I'd be scared I would mess it up.

"Can't retract the wink..."

View attachment 65170

Ed

Freaking Steel trap! Did you go to an alternative high school or something?

 

[LadyS]

Long list:
- Small talk and anything associated, like common courtesy of returning interest in someone else's life.
- Eye contact
- Hellos and goodbyes are always awkward. I like pretending nothing started or ended, but continuing on in the middle.
- Biggest struggle is talking on the phone, especially obligatory calls to family members. I never know when it's my turn to talk without seeing someone's face and body language.
- I don't know if this is pertinent but I can't keep track of two conversations going on at the same time (or if two people are trying to ask me a question at the same time). My mind turns to scrambled eggs. HOW do other people do it?!?
- Showing sympathy or condolences when others are sad or lost a loved one. Knowing the right thing to say or do is so hard.
- And as always receiving compliments.

 

[AprilR]

Talking on the phone definitely. When is it my turn to speak, how can people know if it is their turn? I also always forget to introduce myself

 

[Soleil]

Someone asked me yesterday if my pets were looking forward to Christmas. I wasn't expecting this. I said, "Oh I don't think they know what time of year it is."

That's exactly what I was thinking when I read this. Guess great minds think alike

Exactly my thoughts, too. Since people do celebrate pet birthdays and holidays, I never would have considered that this was meant as a joke.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I find I can talk to one person fine but if it's more than two people I fall apart where I try to talk, but they end up dominating the conversation with a topic I have no interest in then I walk away standing by myself pretending I am doing something on my phone.

 

[halfasped]

Probably "Resting B**** Face"

RBF...same here when i'm just looking or thinking.

Talking too much detail, not knowing who's turn to stop or go talking, closing the encounter always initiated by other person cause it feels rude i guess. Too hard to shift from listener to talker, easier to be one or the other. Little kids and real old people or foreign folks are most enjoyable...tell what they know, or an interesting life story.

 

[PastelPetals]

Noticing when other people want to talk in a conversation, eye contact, being still, I was told recently that my resting face looks "empty" so that's why people think I am upset when i'm not

 

[theporgsnest]

I don't really try to fulfil social smalltalk expectations on the whole. I do speak and smile if greeted. But I don't extend the conversation. I mean well, so I hope I don't offend anyone, but it's how I am. Mostly I seem to miss any signals implying others wish to engage,

I found it puzzling for many years how that all happened, but when I understood autism i realized it was me that didn't have the whatever it is, and gave up trying to work out how to do it. It's all a blank. Hey i tried hard for 50 odd years though. Now I get time off.

I wish I could do this and switch off. I'm 27 and have been diagnosed since I was 10, but I have a problem saying no

Being in a group of people. I just cannot cope with zoom, because it is like constantly in my face, so I choose a becoming picture ( not me) and use that in place of me.

I find it hard asking for someone's name. I do not know why, but there you go.

Because I know that when people ask how you are, they are not really wanting to know that. I learned that a long time ago, that it is just a platitude, so when I ask, I actually further the conversation. So, if one says they have suffered a headache, I ask how they are now. Because I do not want to be guilty of the same thing as nts.

When I am on zoom with another person ( my faith) and their partner leans in and says hello, I can feel myself panicking and so relieved when they disappear.

Ooh thanks for bringing up the topic of Zoom, I use it many times for a week (also for faith) and feel exactly the same. Sometimes during meetings I just have to turn off my camera even if I'm not on mute. I know some other member find an avenue like zoom easier because of it being harder to read people and therefore less necessary, but its quite the opposite for me. Maybe I am forcing myself too much lol...

Yesterday this lady winked at me about four times and she actually wanted to hook up looking back at it. I wasn't interested and didn't realize it until I had walked away bc it was in public and I'm nervous enough as it is when i'm in public and I have to worry about blowing my cover as a non-npc.

I love your descriptor of being a non-NPC Will have to remember that one.

New things. I've learned through trial and error, but new things throw me still.

Someone asked me yesterday if my pets were looking forward to Christmas. I wasn't expecting this. I said, "Oh I don't think they know what time of year it is." Then I realised it was light hearted banter and I should have made some joke about them getting excited. I'm too literal some times.

Same, the taking things too literal has become some's perceived personality trait of me: being 'serious'. In reality my sense of humour is just different.

Talking on the phone definitely. When is it my turn to speak, how can people know if it is their turn? I also always forget to introduce myself

I think I dislike phone conversations more than anything else. Even when I'm at one of my lowest moods, I'd rather see someone in person than speak to them by phone. (And let's not get started on leaving voicemails; I'd rather put pins in my eyes.)

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Probably talking about my special interests too much, but honestly I just don't care. If people don't want to hear about my special interests, they are not someone worth my time. Yes, I'll admit, I can be a real bad in real life, but I just don't care. I got so much hate for my special interests as a child, that I don't let anyone mess with me about them as an adult.

I never understood why everyone else was allowed to talk about animae, Harry Potter, sports, politics ad nauseum, but if I tried to talk about my special interests, my parents basically got told to shut up. But if I told anyone else to shut up about anime, Harry Potter, sports, politics, I was told I was being rude. I'm a hard core introvert anyway so if some one says, "If you talk about nothing but meerkats all the time, no one is going to want to talk to you." I'll be like, "Awesome! I'll continue to talk about them even more now that I know that will keep people from talking to me."

And no one DID want to talk about meerkats, or Lion King or whatever my special interest was when it was a special interest no matter how much I played along and pretend to like what they liked. I was always told they would return the favor and pretend to be interested in my special interests. Never happened. And I'm not about to waste my adult years pretending to be something or someone I am not. But like I said, I can be forceful when I have to be.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

(Apologies in advance if this thread has already been done to death...)

Whether you chose to mask or not at all, or you only do so in specific situations like work etc: is there any particular one you really have to combat, or can't seem to get the hang of?

For example, mine would be the supposedly very simple, 'How are you/how have you been?' and variants thereof. Now in my mind I know that it's a pure social courtesy to begin a conversation and the person is not asking for my actual life story - just a brief response and then I ask them likewise, and so on.
But what really happens, is I almost panic trying to formulate the right words. My heart begins to race. Double that if I am in a group of people, because my social anxiety convinces me I'm being 'watched' for my correct, socially appropriate response. And this happens, without fail, everytime. (I remember when I was a not-so-younger adult, reeling off a lengthy response to a family friend at a gathering. Then, later I was pulled aside by my mum in which she told me that what I did wasn't wrong per se, but the family friend in question wasn't actually asking me how I was. It was just a formality: to which I said quite frankly 'why do people ask questions they don't want honestly answering.'

And yes I suppose the solution would be to save myself the anxiety and stress and go with the appropriate short answer. But then in mind it isn't adequate enough. Sometimes I can come away from a conversation not having learned anything interesting about these new people because of small talk. I guess that's how the NT world works, though.

I got past this, through a thorough examination/observation of "greetings" and their purpose.

I used to go out with friends to bars, etc. I usually wasn't comfortable at all in those situations, but I liked to drink, and I could pretend I was sufficiently normal after quite a few ... and when my friends were drunk, I felt like they were less aware too. In those social settings, I made a study of the social interactions and their purpose ... here's my findings and personal reasoning:

Especially in the United States, we have quite a mix of cultures and points-of-view. A very simple way to get immediate information about someone's background is to greet someone with a typical local greeting that has an illogical response if they are already aware of said greeting. For example, the common greeting at that time was "what's up?" If the object of the greeting responds "hey, what's up." That means they understood that the greeting was a test that they are at least in a subset of the culture that understands a modern, local mindset. If a response comes that is somewhere in between, such as "oh, not too much going on. Just enjoying the evening. How's your evening going?" That person at least know the colloquium, but doesn't know the expected "cool" response. And of course, if someone asks "what do you mean, whats up?" They are foreign or strange.

So, basically, it is a quick sorter for someone looking for conversation or more.... once I realized the real purpose of those greetings, I began to use it to make clear that I'm not going to be a normal conversationalist on occasion - sometimes that has not immediately resulted in rejection, and I think that has upped my chances of having a fruitful conversation. Also, I'm careful to not assume the greeting is as casual with someone who might care more for me, as they often want a more literal response. I'm still not perfect at the game, but I totally cut myself slack for not being great at it these days... I'd say just make a game of it l, know you aren't always going to hit exactly the right response, and give yourself a break! I'm fine the way I am. I can improve, but I'm not going to be critical of every "mistake." Maybe you can also take a similar perspective. Good luck, and thanks for sharing!

 

[AutisticAstronaut]

There's a lot that I consistently struggle with, but a few of the biggest ones:

Knowing when it's my turn to speak in a group. I can do okay one-on-one, but I get more lost the bigger the group gets. Even if there's a lot I want to say, I'll end up saying nothing at all because I never know when to speak and I miss my chances.

Receiving compliments. They always make me feel so uncomfortable. It's partly because I have bad imposter syndrome, so I end up feeling bad that I tricked someone into thinking I did a good job because that's just how terrible I am.

Eye contact. I am okay with eye contact in some situations, but it gets worse if I know someone less well or if the situation is less predictable. So eye contact with family is not a big deal, but eye contact with a stranger on the street is much harder to handle.

 

[yuginot]

Normal people's use of ambiguous language.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

There's a lot that I consistently struggle with, but a few of the biggest ones:

Knowing when it's my turn to speak in a group. I can do okay one-on-one, but I get more lost the bigger the group gets. Even if there's a lot I want to say, I'll end up saying nothing at all because I never know when to speak and I miss my chances.

Receiving compliments. They always make me feel so uncomfortable. It's partly because I have bad imposter syndrome, so I end up feeling bad that I tricked someone into thinking I did a good job because that's just how terrible I am.

Eye contact. I am okay with eye contact in some situations, but it gets worse if I know someone less well or if the situation is less predictable. So eye contact with family is not a big deal, but eye contact with a stranger on the street is much harder to handle.

I have all of these! I was told that it's a bit rude to not look someone in the eye when having a conversation, so I 100% look in the eyes ... but I've had a couple of issues with that.

1) It's apparently over the top sometimes. I had one friend of the family tell me as we were conversing that I "really pay attention to a person talking ... you always nod and keep eye contact ..." hindsight, he was a bit uneasy about it, but I didn't pick up on it at the time and I've replayed that conversation back in my head some uncountable number of times for 20 years and still feel a bit embarrassed every time I think about it.

2) it can send the wrong message. .. at this moment I have both a man and a woman at work who now are convinced I sent them the sign that I'm into them... I just try to be casual around them.

 

[Soleil]

Eye contact. I am okay with eye contact in some situations, but it gets worse if I know someone less well or if the situation is less predictable. So eye contact with family is not a big deal, but eye contact with a stranger on the street is much harder to handle.

I'm the same way. Eye contact just feels so intimate that it's not something I'm comfortable doing with a stranger. But when I'm with friends or family, I'm so at ease that I have to constantly remind myself just to look in their direction when talking with them.

Same goes for physical contact. I can stand to touch friends and family, but I'm super uncomfortable when I touch a stranger. Especially skin-on-skin; someone touching my arm is bad, but if they're touching my shirt sleeve then it's not as bad as if they were touching my skin.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am reading these responses and in my brain I am laughing,...at myself. This,...check. That,...check. The other thing,...check. Every response,...check. Now you ask for "the one thing" that I struggle with the most. For me, I think, it is simply having a simple verbal conversation. I start talking, and then I notice the eyes glaze over, and then they suddenly have some place to go rather than being in the same room with me.

 

[neilwalker1970]

I dread the random encounters you have at work with people in corridors. It's the pressure of thinking of something to say.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

I dread the random encounters you have at work with people in corridors. It's the pressure of thinking of something to say.

That just takes a ton of practice. I work in a job where I'm constantly around people, so I'm very practiced at that, to the point that I'm pretty quick with responses.

Maybe try going out of your way to engage people when at the store or park, etc. Try to give up the fear that they will see you as strange. I always think to myself how compassionate I am toward people who are a bit different (or more) and how that doesn't matter to me in the least. ... if I am others can be too.

It's definitely easier as you get older, especially with younger folks. They don't have an expectation that your behavior matches theirs...

Hang in there and practice practice practice! Eventually, you'll lose that fear, at least I did.

 

[Streetwise]

Understanding gratitude

 

[Owliet]

I can relate to this a lot.

1. Small talk.
Gossip, asking “how are you”...

I don’t see the point in making small talk. It’s awkward and pointless. same with gossip. I don’t care who is doing what with whom...And how are you...isn’t sincerely asked, so why bother asking it? It’s the same when people talk about their kids or something like that... as a way to make small talk. I’ve had that during an interview and I don’t really understand the relevance.


2. Handshakes/kisses on cheeks.
Less so because of Covid but it’s awkward to do either one. It feels like an invasion of my personal space and it’s often forced to do it without looking rude because of cultural expectations.

3. When to talk in a conversation of more than 1 person is very confusing, I can’t read social cues that well, so when I think that a person is finished and they haven’t it’s very awkward talking over them when it’s a mistake.

4. phone calls. I hate the phone. I’d Bizarrely prefer talking in person that the phone. I don’t know why it’s difficult for me but if I can I’ll avoid it as best I can, and prefer email as an alternative. It’s just awful.

5. talking too much about special interests. Apparently, if I get too invested, I speak monotone and it’s boring. Which is upsetting to hear.