Are you aware of what it is about it that pulls you in? There must be something about it that does it.
I cannot explain it. It feels right. Like when I play there is a piece missing and it satisfies the feeling of making it complete. Things goes to right places in the game. Something is not right but I can fix it, make it right. The incomplete feeling goes away. Flying MSFS is not like that.
In the game bullets need to hit targets. It feels awful if they do not. And there must not be any targets left or I feel awful, incomplete. I must finish. It is the feeling I have to finish something that is making me mad (crazy). I feel like I did not do something in the game so I have to keep playing and playing. I hate this. I have tried everything but cannot stop. I just played now and did not want to. I do have fun but it is not worth it at all. At all. I want to never see or think of it again. Go away.
The thing that gets me about it when I look it up is that it is not one of the games that is specifically designed for creating addiction. I'm *very* familiar with that dangerous part of the industry, but I just dont see it anywhere with this one. So it must be something else about it.
I wish I had an easy solution to give you but I'm fighting against my own addiction (internet & Youtube) and there's no way to just beat something like that quickly.
I am sorry you are going through that. I never had an addiction before, it is awful. A very hard part of life I had not experienced. I do not like this.
What I did learn though is you cant just go "cold turkey" with something like this. It doesnt address the root of the problem, which requires understanding and a methodical approach. Trying to just dump it all at once and forget about it can just make it worse.
I have stopped before. I do not remember how long I did not play but it was weeks and I felt so much better. I even thought I could play again but I did not want to. Then casually one day I would try it and be addicted again. I need the game. It is like I was meant to be there, something in it is familiar. Like there is something I have to do. That is what keeps making me go back to it, I have to finish. I pray this ends. It is awful. Not the game's fault, just what happened to me.
It's frustrating, isnt it? It hurts to stick with it but it somehow hurts more to pull away. Even though sticking with it is what does the damage.
I apologize if this is a question you already answered before, but do you see a therapist at all?
I do not see a therapist. I have tried. Communication is impossible. They do not understand autistic people. My GP is nice and a good doctor but once I asked for more of a medication and she said, "No."
I said, "Okay." That meant a paragraph of words to her in NT language. She started sighing and groaning and talking a long time, trying to bargain with me. For me it was bizarre. I am not making fun of her, please no one think that. It was that she said, no, I said, okay. I think binary. She said no, that was the end of the sentence and we were done with the thought. If she said no there was nothing more to discuss, I accepted her answer. that is what I mean by "Okay." But my theory is that NT's say something but mean a lot more, the words are not literal to them. So she thought I was doing that and complaining and continuing to argue. I was so confused. No, means no. I understood. She even changed what she said and decided to give me more of the medication.
That made no sense. I asked for more, she said no, I said okay. Then she talked and talked like we were still discussing it and then continued talking until she changed her own mind. I do not like that. I say what I mean.
I cannot find a therapist who understands autism. Private ones I cannot afford and they charge hundreds for one hour.
I am alone to solve problems. I wish people could understand autism or have a dictionary or an online translator. When an autistic person says, "I do not want that." That is what they mean. It is so easy to understand. Yes and no are easy. "Go away now." is easy. It is not personal just go away. There cannot be more now. My ex girlfriend and I said that to each other it was instant every time and never hurt feelings.
When I try to talk to therapists or doctors they speak in subtext and metaphors. They never believe the words I tell them, they look for the story underneath, what I "really mean". What I mean is what I said, no subtext. But they will not believe me and I cannot translate their language and when I try to speak it I get in a lot of trouble. I get yelled at a lot.
A digression to help make the point but years ago I went to spend the night with a girlfriend at her dorm at USC. She and her friend stayed in a room talking without me, they wanted to visit. I was fine with it because it was Saturday and Saturday Night Live was on and I was really a fan and excited to watch it so I said I would fine, I was watching SNL. She got so upset, she did not believe me. Maybe NT people pout and say what the do not mean, trying to antagonize or argue, I do not know, I cannot understand them but I was really happy alone in the room with the tv watching my show.
She got so angry with me for pouting (I was not, I was honestly relaxed and happy watching tv and happy she was enjoying talking with her friend). She got so mad at me I drove home at 2am a very long way. I stopped at a gas station to buy caffeine pills so I did not sleep and crash. They made me shake awfully.
Problems like that, no communication with NT people so I cannot see a therapist.
Years ago after a blood test my doctor said cholesterol was high, she gave me a piece of paper with foods I was to eat. Two months later I had dropped my cholesterol 80 points. She had a very confused look on her face. I did not understand. She was shocked by the new blood results. She asked how I did it. I was stuck in my brain, I do not know the words for it but I was baffled but with a feeling that makes it hurt. Bad stuck. What was she asking?
I made myself talk and said I ate what was on the paper and nothing else. That is what she told me to do. She said people never do that. I said I am autistic, I do exactly what the directions say.
She told me to do something and when I did it, it confused her. I cannot understand the world. It hurts.
Sorry for the long message but I am trying to explain. ]
I beg for a solution that will let me stop playing this game. It is in my brain, excuse the image, like a worm. Fun game, great game, they did such a good job with it but nothing is worth what it is doing to me. Not sleeping, missing eating, hurting my back, which felt good until I started the game.
I do not know if I made sense writing this note and I know I made it too long. I do not know what to say about things. I felt I had to talk about all that so you understood.
My friend has offered to buy me flying lessons for MSFS (Microsoft Flight Simulator 2024). If I could start playing that again maybe it would take me away from SGW, the game I am stuck in.
All my obsessions for years and nothing made me do things I did not want to.
Thank you for helping.
Normally after an adventure game, it felt like a chore and I didn't want to start another one. Now I just jump from one to the next, which feels very good.
