What's Romance Like Between Two Aspies?

[Judge]

It's difficult to explain how online flirting happens to work for me, but I'll try. Part of it has to do with how I grew up hearing about how ugly and unattractive I was from so many people. It left me struggling with body image issues. So being able to be seen for who I really am first and foremost means so much to me. And then, when my now-boyfriend said he thought I was cute during a photo swap, I was so afraid I was being tricked. But he's never been anything but honest with me, so I know he truly thinks I'm attractive.

For every entirely shallow person on the Internet, there is someone willing to get to know the real you.

Hmmm...I have no idea how most of y'all appear. However some female members of AC do sound rather cute in ways not necessarily relative to appearance. I suppose if I said that to someone that might constitute "flirting"...lol. It's just weird to think I've had some nice friendships online with people before without any recollection of having flirted with them to get things going.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I know I can flirt, though I seldom ever do so with women that have AS, I rarely encounter them and learned to do things and speak with non AS peoples, so I'd be back to square one

 

[Ereth]

Hmmm...I have no idea how most of y'all appear. However some female members of AC do sound rather cute in ways not necessarily relative to appearance. I suppose if I said that to someone that might constitute "flirting"...lol. It's just weird to think I've had some nice friendships online with people before without any recollection of having flirted with them to get things going.

Oh, well, in my case, I never flirted with him until I had a pretty good idea that he liked me as more than a friend. We were already friends before that.

 

[Judge]

Oh, well, in my case, I never flirted with him until I had a pretty good idea that he liked me as more than a friend. We were already friends before that.

Stands to reason. It's very difficult for me to "read" people online...let alone in person. I don't think I'd really want to flirt with someone unless I even thought they might be receptive to it. Nothing worse than feeling like an "uninvited guest".

 

[Sparticus]

Very true and I agree. Real life flirting is imo leads to more satisfaction and a potential for a "real" date ;-)

In my opinion, online "flirting" is not the same as real life flirting.

 

[garnetflower13]

To be honest, I could never tell when someone was flirting with me IRL or online. I have mistaken it so many times that I finally gave up. Also, I have had people think that I was flirting with them ,when I wasn't, so go figure!

 

[Ereth]

To be honest, I could never tell when someone was flirting with me IRL or online. I have mistaken it so many times that I finally gave up. Also, I have had people think that I was flirting with them ,when I wasn't, so go figure!

That's why I asked my now-boyfriend to always tell me if he was serious or joking when we started flirting. I've had people pretend to flirt with me before. Some were friends and we were just kidding around, which is fine with me, but some would jokingly flirt with me or call me their girlfriend. That was in school, when the general consensus was that I was unfit to be dating anybody. The mean-spirited flirts were basically implying that I would never go on a date.

 

[garnetflower13]

That's why I asked my now-boyfriend to always tell me if he was serious or joking when we started flirting. I've had people pretend to flirt with me before. Some were friends and we were just kidding around, which is fine with me, but some would jokingly flirt with me or call me their girlfriend. That was in school, when the general consensus was that I was unfit to be dating anybody. The mean-spirited flirts were basically implying that I would never go on a date.

Those were the good ol' days. This happened to me a lot in the seventh grade. Guys would call out "wanna go on a date?" and then laugh mockingly. So I figured that they probably didn't really want to date me.

 

[neuroillogic]

I met my husband before either of us knew we were aspies, and for me it was a godsend. He was the first guy that I felt truly understood me and accepted me for exactly who I was. My NT exes always tried to 'fix' me without ever knowing what the problem was, but with him it was different. Of course, it's not perfect, but we always strive to do better, and since finding out we're both aspies, I feel we understand each other even more, and can forgive each others little annoyances. Communication is the hardest part, though we're usually on the same page, the few times we are not can spiral into confusion and sometimes arguments. We are getting better at seeing things from each others perspectives, and speaking bluntly without hurting each others feelings. Still, I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I couldn't imagine myself being happy with an NT.

 

[garnetflower13]

neuroillogic: I have had friends who sought to "fix" me, so I know what you mean. It's like telling a blind person that if they would only strain their eyes, they could eventually see like others can. I am glad that you and your husband are able to appreciate each other!

 

[Girl Anachronism]

I've been with my aspie boyfriend for just over two years and things are pretty peachy. That being said I've dated a mix of aspie and NT guys and I got pretty burned out by a run of relationships (three in one year...yeah, that was a bad year...) and it took me a long time to get over that.
It was one ex in particular who was pretty bad and he was an aspie. We had different emotional and intimacy needs and we were just wildly incompatible in so many ways not to mention the fact that his response to our break-up was immature (that's really, REALLY putting it lightly).
My partner is understanding and accepting not to mention cute to boot He, like me, is young at heart, quirky, geeky and outgoing. Because we have a lot of personality compatibilities and we're both aspie we can understand where we are at; pretty much on the same page most of the time.
Through my experiences I've realised that it's not only being with someone with the same condition but also sharing values and character. So really an aspie couple is just like any other couple with its ups and downs...just a little more eccentric

 

[JimmyJimRyan]

I had a aspie housemate/friend with benefits for a while. It was good before something I don't quite understand happened and then it got weird and exploded. I miss the conversations.

 

[Jakob Burto-Sundman]

It seems to me that many of the sucessful relation ships described here are between two aspies. That is the case with me and my wife. Interestingly Neither of us realized we were aspies when we were first dating but that to me explains the instant understanding despite the age difference. (twenty years.)

 

[Cali Cat]

My relationship with my Aspie husband was very comfortable. It was not very romantic or exciting, except at the very beginning when both people are trying to impress each other. Over time, though, you have to watch out that the relationship doesn't become so comfortable that you are taking each other for granted. That's not too different from any long-term relationship though. The only thing is that two Aspies can really spin off into their own little worlds and forget the other entirely.

 

[Ferdinand94]

HFA here with an aspie SO.

We've been together since 2008 and at first (the first two weeks after I met him) I hated him so much I wanted to slap the hell out of his face for no reason.

I can't remember much of what happened after that or how did we start liking each other, it just happened. However, neither of us had been diagnosed previously and we just thought we were and odd couple. Back then I only had one friend (NT christian girl) and she couldn't stand him. Communication wasn't working and they never got to know each other because she considered my newly acquired lover to be ''difficult'', and she thought he was doing it on purpose. I understood what she meant since I have practiced my social skills better and it was easier for me to identify behavior that would be seen as uncommon/awkward/irritating for most NT's (had to learn it in order to survive high school/my family, but at least I could spend recess in the library if it happened to be a especially challenging day).

Although we did felt love for each other, it took us around three years and a half to really open up and start trusting; and another few months to introduce sexual discussion in our relationship which, actually, exceeded our expectations. Now we're synchronized in most senses, and if we ever have trouble relating with each other's frustration, we solve it by giving or taking some personal space, or invite the other one outside for a joint

As for romance or exclusiveness, well... although none of us is interested in seeing other people, it's not a monogamous relationship since we don't want to restrict each other's freedom, but it's a bit more complicated than that...

 

[anne.bc]

Lol this is going to sound deep and emo/ movie script like but this is how I can put it for now----


For 7 years and 10 months, I was with someone that is possibly a fellow Aspie. We joked about it for years and there's a possibility that he is one, because he was recently diagnosed with bipoloar disorder, and the person evaluating him noticed he has a lot of Aspie traits (duh. why else would I keep bringing it up through the years?).

I don't really know what to tell you because I'm still friends with him and am trying to detach from what had been the norm until we split a few months ago, but I can definitely tell you I don't regret it at all. I got this guy through some of the crappiest stuff going on in his life by sticking by his side no matter the harshness of life's storms. It defeated me in ways, I lost some of my passions, and generally became boring.

But I loved him unconditionally through it all, despite how frustrating the "one step forward, two steps back" was getting. (Did I mention we were engaged for almost 5 years, too?)

He helped me overcome a lot of my Aspie flaws, as well as the immaturity flaws that some people never really grow out of. I miss who I used to be, but I think I might be remembering who I was, for once.

There was a lot of brutal honesty, and therefore a lot of my meltdowns because of it. He never understood that. He doesn't get meltdowns like the ones I get, that is probably why. Mine are usually criticism triggered and I haven't really had one in almost a year.

You're all probably getting very confused by now, but the relationship was worth it to me. And I have learned so much from it. If you would like to know more, please do not hesitate to private message me. This is what I feel is appropriate to discuss on a forum publicly, so if you want to know more about this, private messaging is best.

 

[Etzelaire]

I don't know if a realtionship with another aspie would be positive. I'm obsessed of gathering information about everything but mostly languages and spending every day with a woman with the same hunger of knowledge... We could end up overcharging our brains.

 

[BethC]

I was with another Aspie for 1 year 8 months, we were very young though. Overall the relationship was really great, we were 100% committed to each other and I sort of tamed the aggressive behavioural aspects he used to experience. The only problem I really had was he was hyper-obsessive over a few TV shows I had absolutely 0 interest in and he wanted to go on and on about them 24/7 so I would get irritated and tell him to shut up

 

[Stik]

I've been with my guy for 8 years and I'm pretty sure he's an Aspie after recently learning I am. I think that's why we get along so well. We get to be ourselves around each other and not have to worry about being judged.

 

[HeatherWB]

When my fiancé and I met, it was instant connection--nothing like either one of us had ever felt before. Our common experiences as Aspies, our compatible hobbies and interests, our shared spirituality, and physical attraction combined to create what has thus far been an amazing experience.

While we met in July of this year on a cruise ship, we both knew early on that this was no ordinary relationship and it would become long-term. Yes, we move fast, but when it's right, it's right! I'm 43 and he's 50 and we figure that we're both old enough to know what we want and we've found it in each other.

A little background--I'm divorced after being with a NT husband who just really didn't get me, among other things. FH has never been married, but has dated off and on.

Being nearly 1000 miles from each other hasn't stopped us from developing a strong bond. Thank goodness for unlimited minutes on our mobile phones and periodic visits!

FH will be moving in with me at the end of December and we'll be married in early January. We'll be taking our honeymoon cruise in July. We're so excited about what lies ahead for us!