Who knows the real you?

[Roisin]

This is a question I first thought about a decade ago...
"Who knows the real you?"
Are there many people in your life that you can be your true ND or otherwise self with, what do they have in common?
Is it possible to know your true self?

 

[Mr. Stevens]

By coincidence, I happened to see this, this morning:

"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." - Alan Watts (Life magazine (21 April 1961)

I guess we can feel our "selves" here and there with our tongue, but he's right: we cannot bite our own teeth

 

[Shevek]

My true self may be eternal and unchanging, but nobody on Earth seems to really know that reality. As for my current personality and abilities, there are moments of connection where we share a laugh or a single insight, illuminating one point in my thinking. A few people have a vague idea of my scope as an engineer, but nobody has learned the details. Socially, I have one good friend, but we don't talk about most of my interests. I am becoming increasingly isolated by people who are ruled by dogma and self-interest. Being unique is quite dangerous when dealing with law or medicine.

 

[DrBadStrings]

Honestly I don't think anyone really knows the true me. Myself included. I'm a recovering alcoholic, 302 days clean, so I've been putting my life back together. But then I got the curveball a few months ago of finding out that I'm also autistic. So my life has more or less been an existential midlife crisis since where I'm just sticking to my healthy routines to get me through one day to the next while I figure out that very question. I've masked so long and so well that to some extent I even fooled myself. So there is work to be done.

 

[Crossbreed]

As a Born-Again Christian, I can only give one Answer,...

Nobody Knows Me Like You, Benny Hester (1981)

 

[AprilR]

Probably the closest that come is my dad and my counselor

 

[Roisin]

By coincidence, I happened to see this, this morning:

"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." - Alan Watts (Life magazine (21 April 1961)

I guess we can feel our "selves" here and there with our tongue, but he's right: we cannot bite our own teeth

It is an interesting piece of very old wisdom that, try as we might, we can't fully know our authentic selves and are ever-evolving in response to our environment. If we need others to inform part of our sense of self, how reliable can that be if we are in an unhealthy environment?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This is a question I first thought about a decade ago...
"Who knows the real you?"
Are there many people in your life that you can be your true ND or otherwise self with, what do they have in common?
Is it possible to know your true self?

Simply put,"We mostly know ourselves, and our closest confidants may mostly know us."

It is true that someone close to you may be able to sense things in you that you may not be aware of.

Most of us try to maintain some degree of self-discipline and emotional composure, and some of us are really quite good at it. As such, we may be restraining or hiding our true nature, at times. Sometimes the people closest to us will sense that.

We all have our personal secrets and thoughts that no one will ever know. Sometimes, because of previous trauma, we might have repressed memories, thoughts, and emotions that we are not consciously aware of.

 

[Roisin]

My true self may be eternal and unchanging, but nobody on Earth seems to really know that reality. As for my current personality and abilities, there are moments of connection where we share a laugh or a single insight, illuminating one point in my thinking. A few people have a vague idea of my scope as an engineer, but nobody has learned the details. Socially, I have one good friend, but we don't talk about most of my interests. I am becoming increasingly isolated by people who are ruled by dogma and self-interest. Being unique is quite dangerous when dealing with law or medicine.

It sounds quite lonely Shevek, to be unknown as you describe, bar moments of connection. Do online connections, like on this forum, impact this feeling of isolation? The true self you mention at the beginning of your post, does this knowing strengthen your sense of self?

 

[NB79]

I put a defense and appearance up with everyone, except my mom, i can't just do it, i wish i could but i feel vulnerable and i need to to put the armor and appearance even with my dad, is sad but i don't know how to solve this.

 

[Roisin]

Honestly I don't think anyone really knows the true me. Myself included. I'm a recovering alcoholic, 302 days clean, so I've been putting my life back together. But then I got the curveball a few months ago of finding out that I'm also autistic. So my life has more or less been an existential midlife crisis since where I'm just sticking to my healthy routines to get me through one day to the next while I figure out that very question. I've masked so long and so well that to some extent I even fooled myself. So there is work to be done.

It's kind of overwhelming just sitting here thinking about how your life has changed in a year—that's massive!
I was going through an existential crisis when I first thought about who I was beneath the layers of conditioning and internalised faulty beliefs; being in an online ASD community helped massively. No resource helped quite like speaking to other Autistic folk. Maybe go gently with yourself in the work you do; I suspect the world has probably been harsh enough on you.

 

[Roisin]

As a Born-Again Christian, I can only give one Answer,...

Nobody Knows Me Like You, Benny Hester (1981)

I've never heard that song before, but what I can take from it is unconditional love and acceptance, which, from my perspective, is a gift for well-being.

 

[Roisin]

Probably the closest that come is my dad and my counselor

For a long while, I felt isolated, unknown, and not accepted by anyone. Finding a counsellor who 'gets you' as an Autistic woman can be a challenge; I am glad you have that. It was with an Autistic counsellor that I began to see myself in a more empowered way. It's strange how that worked. Now, I have three people who get me.

 

[Roisin]

I put a defense and appearance up with everyone, except my mom, i can't just do it, i wish i could but i feel vulnerable and i need to to put the armor and appearance even with my dad, is sad but i don't know how to solve this.

It isn't easy to trust people. Your mom feels like your safe person?

 

[Rodafina]

I know myself in this moment, but I am ever changing and there is always more to learn and understand better. None of us are static. Whoever we are in a given moment is just a flash and then we are changed. Some people I know appear to be along for the journey of discovering more each day.

 

[Roisin]

Simply put,"We mostly know ourselves, and our closest confidants may mostly know us."

It is true that someone close to you may be able to sense things in you that you may not be aware of.

Most of us try to maintain some degree of self-discipline and emotional composure, and some of us are really quite good at it. As such, we may be restraining or hiding our true nature, at times. Sometimes the people closest to us will sense that.

We all have our personal secrets and thoughts that no one will ever know. Sometimes, because of previous trauma, we might have repressed memories, thoughts, and emotions that we are not consciously aware of.

I can go with that and might even borrow it, "We mostly know ourselves, and our closest confidants may mostly know us.".
I believe some people can tell when we hold back a part of ourselves. They are unlikely to know what that part is, but they know that we aren't being congruent.

The trauma impact on the self, I think, could be particularly relevant for Autistic folk.

 

[Roisin]

I know myself in this moment, but I am ever changing and there is always more to learn and understand better. None of us are static. Whoever we are in a given moment is just a flash and then we are changed. Some people I know appear to be along for the journey of discovering more each day.

I wish the star reaction was working; there is a reason you are in your role.

 

[DrBadStrings]

It's kind of overwhelming just sitting here thinking about how your life has changed in a year—that's massive!
I was going through an existential crisis when I first thought about who I was beneath the layers of conditioning and internalised faulty beliefs; being in an online ASD community helped massively. No resource helped quite like speaking to other Autistic folk. Maybe go gently with yourself in the work you do; I suspect the world has probably been harsh enough on you.

As I say I'm sticking to my healthy routines while I work on figuring things out. But I am in a good and healthy state of mind/body/soul. I also have the good fortune of having a solid support network in the real world. I currently live with my parents and we have a healthy relationship so no issues on the home front. And my employer has been nothing but supportive, including paid time off so that I could go through detox, then rehab treatments. It was working with the psychologist at Rehab that led to the Autism discovery.

I said existential midlife crisis but that's probably the wrong term as I don't feel like there is any real crisis of identity. It's just learning to finally understand myself through this new lens of autism. Most of my drinking stemmed from coping with being undiagnosed and not realizing there was a valid reason for why I was different than most folks.

What I can say is that I finally do feel like I'm in a position in life where I'm starting to thrive and not just muddle through. Only took 42 years but here we are.

 

[FayetheAspie]

My Mama probably comes closer to knowing the real me than any other human. I don't think I really mask very much, but rather people tend to misinterpret my intentions alot. For example I love running out into a rainstorm and can be very enthusiastic about it yet most people I know refuse to acknowledge that I really enjoy this and instead insist on thinking that getting wet bothers me as much as it does them. They think my genuine enthusiasm is an act and that I only pretend to like the rain to be contrary at my own expense. It does not help that my Daddy spreads false information about my intentions and even about the meaning of my rather unusual and somewhat cartoonish facial expressions in response to things that surprise me, bother me, embarrass me ,ect. He always laughed about my natural expressions to such things but eventually started giving interruptations of the expressions to others that are not always accurate. For example getting someone to think that the face I reflexively make in response to something that I find to be anywhere from weird to horrible instead meant that I had been caught at something. That caused more than a bit of embarrassment.

 

[NB79]

It isn't easy to trust people. Your mom feels like your safe person?

Yes, i lived with her for a long while, my father divorced when i was little, idk how i could make relationships like this. I have the guard up with everyone.