Who knows the real you?

[Roisin]

As I say I'm sticking to my healthy routines while I work on figuring things out. But I am in a good and healthy state of mind/body/soul. I also have the good fortune of having a solid support network in the real world. I currently live with my parents and we have a healthy relationship so no issues on the home front. And my employer has been nothing but supportive, including paid time off so that I could go through detox, then rehab treatments. It was working with the psychologist at Rehab that led to the Autism discovery.

I said existential midlife crisis but that's probably the wrong term as I don't feel like there is any real crisis of identity. It's just learning to finally understand myself through this new lens of autism. Most of my drinking stemmed from coping with being undiagnosed and not realizing there was a valid reason for why I was different than most folks.

What I can say is that I finally do feel like I'm in a position in life where I'm starting to thrive and not just muddle through. Only took 42 years but here we are.

Wow that's as you say a good support situation, a solid base, its a beautiful thing experiencing thriving after years of confusion, good for you DrBadStrings.

 

[stevens]

Great question. I think the answer is 2.2 people. My spouse, my adult child, and one friend (the 0.2).

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I cannot think of anyone who knows the real me. This used to disturb me more than it does now. There are different people who see different parts and I have learned to accept that, although writing about it here saddens me.

 

[Roisin]

My Mama probably comes closer to knowing the real me than any other human. I don't think I really mask very much, but rather people tend to misinterpret my intentions alot. For example I love running out into a rainstorm and can be very enthusiastic about it yet most people I know refuse to acknowledge that I really enjoy this and instead insist on thinking that getting wet bothers me as much as it does them. They think my genuine enthusiasm is an act and that I only pretend to like the rain to be contrary at my own expense. It does not help that my Daddy spreads false information about my intentions and even about the meaning of my rather unusual and somewhat cartoonish facial expressions in response to things that surprise me, bother me, embarrass me ,ect. He always laughed about my natural expressions to such things but eventually started giving interruptations of the expressions to others that are not always accurate. For example getting someone to think that the face I reflexively make in response to something that I find to be anywhere from weird to horrible instead meant that I had been caught at something. That caused more than a bit of embarrassment.

It sounds like there aren't many accepting spaces for you to be who you are, except, of course, with your Mama, and that perhaps the people in your area are judgmental in a small-minded way.
Your Daddy sounds like a piece of work. I've seen you mention him in a few different posts. It must be challenging to deal with that extra chaos and have the headspace to exist peacefully within yourself.

 

[Roisin]

Yes, i lived with her for a long while, my father divorced when i was little, idk how i could make relationships like this. I have the guard up with everyone.

To build confidence and experience a safe relationship, it could take some talk therapy or a professional setting where it is safe for you to be your real self with another; I can't guess where the feelings you have are coming from, but it seems like they are trying to protect you.

 

[Roisin]

Great question. I think the answer is 2.2 people. My spouse, my adult child, and one friend (the 0.2).

Lol, that's quite exact. I said 3, but more precisely, 2.2 people also: 0.5 for my mum, 1 for my spouse, and 0.7 for a friend.

 

[Roisin]

I cannot think of anyone who knows the real me. This used to disturb me more than it does now. There are different people who see different parts and I have learned to accept that, although writing about it here saddens me.

It feels sad to read your post, WhitewaterWoman, that you feel known only in separate parts. Does this impact how you see yourself? Edited to add: I do not expect an answer; again, it's a personal question.

 

[TikvaBall]

My Meemaw was always the person I could be my true self with, but she has passed away. I don't mask very well, but the people I'm the safest with now are my aunt, grandma, and my cousin.

 

[Roisin]

My Meemaw was always the person I could be my true self with, but she has passed away. I don't mask very well, but the people I'm the safest with now are my aunt, grandma, and my cousin.

What a lovely alternative name for a grandmother, I had to look it up.
It's painful when someone that close to us leaves our life, I had a similar type of relationship with my granaunt. I miss her still.
That sort of unconditional love and acceptance is rare.

 

[Tom]

I put a defense and appearance up with everyone, except my mom, i can't just do it, i wish i could but i feel vulnerable and i need to to put the armor and appearance even with my dad, is sad but i don't know how to solve this.

If you are raised Italian, Mom being in that inner circle is mostly a given.

 

[Tom]

But what if the person that knows the real you, isn't the real them. Does that still count?

 

[Kavigant]

Each time I gained significant insight into myself, it led me to depression and despair as I was so disappointed by what I found within myself. I found selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance, cowardice, and fear. So much fear.
But those soul-crushing moments led me to make massive and extraordinarily difficult changes over the course of years. I now no longer hate myself. I no longer think that I am a terrible person, though I'm not yet the person I want to be.
So, I finally know myself fairly well and my wife knows me probably even better than I know myself. She's seen me at my best and also at my absolute worst. She has seen me make bad mistakes and still believes in the goodness of my heart. I am only able to trust her impression of me because I know that she's seen it all. She's seen me fully unmasked and still loves me.
I have an irrational need to be seen and known, and she sees and knows me; and I see and know her.
I also try to be very open with my kids so that they can better accept and understand whatever of me they find in themselves.
The hard, hard, hard work is worth it.

 

[Roisin]

But what if the person that knows the real you, isn't the real them. Does that still count?

Lol, hmm... can they really know you if they aren't really themself

 

[NB79]

If you are raised Italian, Mom being in that inner circle is mostly a given.

We have italian names, and my mother and father are descendants of italians, my grandmother parents came from spain. I also have italian citizenship because of that.

 

[Roisin]

Each time I gained significant insight into myself, it led me to depression and despair as I was so disappointed by what I found within myself. I found selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance, cowardice, and fear. So much fear.
But those soul-crushing moments led me to make massive and extraordinarily difficult changes over the course of years. I now no longer hate myself. I no longer think that I am a terrible person, though I'm not yet the person I want to be.
So, I finally know myself fairly well and my wife knows me probably even better than I know myself. She's seen me at my best and also at my absolute worst. She has seen me make bad mistakes and still believes in the goodness of my heart. I am only able to trust her impression of me because I know that she's seen it all. She's seen me fully unmasked and still loves me.
I have an irrational need to be seen and known, and she sees and knows me; and I see and know her.
I also try to be very open with my kids so that they can better accept and understand whatever of me they find in themselves.
The hard, hard, hard work is worth it.

I can relate to the disappointment in myself, my self perception and how I actually was were so far apart, I clearly remember the sting of the realisation that I couldn't trust my own perception. Like you, sitting with that painful awareness, working with who I was led to growth.

It reminds me in a way of physiotherapy and physical pain I had recently. A level of pain sitting at 5 or 6 out of 10 to heal from an injury while building strength is normal and healthy, a sign that healing is happening.
My perception had previously been to protect my shoulder, avoid the pain, rest it, but this only exacerbated the injury.

 

[Tom]

We have italian names, and my mother and father are descendants of italians, my grandmother parents came from spain. I also have italian citizenship because of that.

I'm Italian on my Mom's side. Her father was born in Italy and her mother's parents both were (my great grandmother was married at 13). We still have relatives there.

 

[Au Naturel]

To me, the question is whether a "true self" even exists. It is absurd to look at the self outside of the environment. The environment you live in is part of you. It is constantly changing; therefore, you are, too. You learn new things and every new thing you learn changes you. You reach new conclusions and make different decisions, which changes who you are. You experience trauma, and that clearly changes who you are. Success does as well. Growth in youth and the inevitable decline of aging change who you are.

You are the mask you wear as much as what you are masking. You are everything you have ever experienced or done, and as soon as you experience or do something new, you're different.

A human does not have a fixed identity - unless you are specifically referring to your genetic heritage, and even that can sometimes be pliable. You are who you are at this moment and are subject to being changed by influences both within and beyond your control.

 

[NB79]

To me, the question is whether a "true self" even exists. It is absurd to look at the self outside of the environment. The environment you live in is part of you. It is constantly changing; therefore, you are, too. You learn new things and every new thing you learn changes you. You reach new conclusions and make different decisions, which changes who you are. You experience trauma, and that clearly changes who you are. Success does as well. Growth in youth and the inevitable decline of aging change who you are.

You are the mask you wear as much as what you are masking. You are everything you have ever experienced or done, and as soon as you experience or do something new, you're different.

A human does not have a fixed identity - unless you are specifically referring to your genetic heritage, and even that can sometimes be pliable. You are who you are at this moment and are subject to being changed by influences both within and beyond your control.

I would put it as being comfortable to open up and relax and do whatever you wish in front of others.
I guess some autistics have it more difficult or easier than others. idk

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

It feels sad to read your post, WhitewaterWoman, that you feel known only in separate parts. Does this impact how you see yourself? Edited to add: I do not expect an answer; again, it's a personal question.

What I should have said, because it would be more accurate, is that I have learned to be grateful of and to treasure all the people I’ve known who were able to see some parts of me.

 

[SusanLR]

The only person that I was comfortable enough to be just me without masking was my mom.
That's why I feel alone without her now that she is deceased.
And there are parts of my inner being and thoughts that I wouldn't share even with her.

Everyone else I always reveal only what I think they will like.
Or what I feel they need to know.