Why are we stupid enough to trust people then they hurt us?

[thejuice]

I hope no one is shaming an entire gender. Making sweeping generalizations is considered one of the common cognitive distortions, so if anyone is doing that, remember that. It's a distorted way of thinking about things, and won't help anyone and anyone who talks like that, well, one might keep in mind that they aren't thinking well. And by well, I mean healthily and in a realistic way.

Im just tired of being demoralised

 

[Neri]

Im just tired of being demoralised

And that is totally fair enough. I don't think it is something that we should just have to put up with. I'm a female and I don't tolerate it for males any more than I do us women. It's just such a prevelent thing these days, though, and one has to "pick your battles" otherwise burn out is an inevitability or retreat and shut down, none of which are desirable, if chronic.

I'm tired of it too. Demoralization, that is. But I think men are copping more generalized assault, psychologically, just for being men, and that must be incredibly difficult, and self esteem issues are going to be an issue.

If one looks at stats for men, in general, things can look pretty bleak, in terms of male's unaliving themselves and such. And that's on top of the terrible life quality and life expectancy that so many, many of us people on the spectrum experience.

I feel for you, I really do.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I do trust most of the people at my church (except one former friend not the coffee shop girl I trust her completely and two women who completely ignore like the girls in college did for no reason) and the yoga teachers. Really it was that evil clinic that lied to me and tried to make me sicker all of those years that made me more to distrust people.

 

[Kalinychta]

In your case, Tony, “trust” is actually: a delusional fantasy you have of a woman you’ve unreasonably set your sights on who out of kindness has tried to be your friend but has eventually had to tell you that she has no romantic interest in you at all, which you interpret as a breach of trust. You are actually the one who isn’t trustworthy, because you tell these female “friends” you make (and everyone else) that you’re only in it for friendship…and then you get pissed when they don’t want to be more than that.

A woman not wanting to have sex with you isn’t an untrustworthy person. You are the untrustworthy person for feigning friendship then pouting because she doesn’t want you.

 

[Shamar]

If you read my post history I been hurt lately from people I put my trust in that used me then hurt me because of my autism. They really rejected me because of my autism or tried to make me sicker because of it.

I am losing trust in people. I want to know why autistic people trust people so easily.

I've written this before, but maybe it bears repeating. Also, this is my personal analysis, and it may not apply to anyone else.

I have been hurt by people I trusted. I knew they would eventually would hurt or betray me. I trusted them because having the illusion of friends (even knowing they were false friends) was better than the pain of being alone. This was, of course, more than half a century before I realized that I lacked the emotional ability to have friends.

 

[Levitat0r]

I hear you entirely. I had people close to me who wound up involved in politics, but our sort tend to be independent thinkers and not joiners. So, if you're not one to choose sides, much less to know what the sides are, you're going to make a lot of enemies who want to either put you to use, or get you out of the way, and they're not going to be nice about it, especially in the knowledge you have communication deficits. We are precisely the kind of person who gets dismissed as a kook or a babbler, and you'll note how many billions of dollars someone like Elon Musk has before people will listen to him.

 

[AprilR]

I think we lack the social cues to understand when someone is tricking us, and we put up with a lot even we notice because we are lonely.

 

[Levitat0r]

I've written this before, but maybe it bears repeating. Also, this is my personal analysis, and it may not apply to anyone else.

I have been hurt by people I trusted. I knew they would eventually would hurt or betray me. I trusted them because having the illusion of friends (even knowing they were false friends) was better than the pain of being alone. This was, of course, more than half a century before I realized that I lacked the emotional ability to have friends.

I think you're getting way down on yourself at the point where you attribute others' rejection to an emotional incapacity on your part.

 

[Levitat0r]

I think we lack the social cues to understand when someone is tricking us, and we put up with a lot even we notice because we are lonely.

We get accused of lacking "theory of mind", but I think a lot of the time, you're just treating people as yourself. Would I do something that outrageous? No. So, why would I conclude that about someone else? And then they go ahead and do it. But it's indeed the Golden Rule and Christian direction to treat others as yourself.

 

[AprilR]

We get accused of lacking "theory of mind", but I think a lot of the time, you're just treating people as yourself. Would I do something that outrageous? No. So, why would I conclude that about someone else? And then they go ahead and do it. But it's indeed the Golden Rule and Christian direction to treat others as yourself.

Yes, from what i understand autistic people are not deceitful so we expect others to be honest as well.

I also don't think lacking theory of mind is a bad thing. It's something people are born with or without and not something to beat yourself up

 

[Levitat0r]

Yes, from what i understand autistic people are not deceitful so we expect others to be honest as well.

I also don't think lacking theory of mind is a bad thing. It's something people are born with or without and not something to beat yourself up

People with autism certainly can be good or bad. I don't think it's healthy or safe to give into that kind of moral presumption. However, if you are someone honest and uncomplicated, you tend to want to see other people that way, but you will be disappointed to find that to be, by far, the exception.

 

[Misty Avich]

Does this mean everyone with a theory of mind can always see through all lies?

 

[Kalinychta]

All human beings trust other people and sometimes things don’t go our way. Sometimes they do. It’s a roll of the dice. But unrealized fantasies— and women who don’t cooperate with men’s fantasies—aren’t “untrustworthy” people and rejected men who feel that women who never expressed any romantic interest in them in the first place betrayed their trust need to maybe go read a book or go watch Citizen Kane or do something that stimulates their brain cells.

 

[Levitat0r]

All human beings trust other people and sometimes things don’t go our way. Sometimes they do. It’s a roll of the dice. But unrealized fantasies— and women who don’t cooperate with men’s fantasies—aren’t “untrustworthy” people and rejected men who feel that women who never expressed any romantic interest in them in the first place betrayed their trust need to maybe go read a book or go watch Citizen Kane or do something that stimulates their brain cells.

I guess I didn't follow enough of the thread to see what specific expectations it goes into. People will certainly stab you in the back a lot worse than merely not wanting to date you or whatever.

 

[AspieChris]

One day you’ll find the right person to trust and it will all make sense. Like staring st one of those 3d Magic Eye pictures. It’s a mess until it all becomes clear.

But it certainly helps to have some boundaries.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Please don't mistake my female friend coffee shop girl as someone I don't trust. I do trust her completely. I am just going through stuff because of what the evil clinic I been going to what stuff they been telling me lies about losing her and my other friends did too my mind made me not trust her and others.

 

[jsilver256]

Does this mean everyone with a theory of mind can always see through all lies?

No, but it is a double whammy. The low theory of mind makes us perceive different opinions, or honest attempts at helping which we don't understand, as personal attacks. Because we can't get in the other person's mindset. You see it on this forum quite a bit.

The end result is, we gravitate towards people who tell us what we want to hear. And these tend to be the manipulators.

I've been re-evaluating the people I've pushed away, to figure out who has tried to help me. And I find I have more support than I thought.

 

[Levitat0r]

One day you’ll find the right person to trust and it will all make sense. Like staring st one of those 3d Magic Eye pictures. It’s a mess until it all becomes clear.

But it certainly helps to have some boundaries.

Life is already like a Magic Eye picture because I have a lazy eye like Thom Yorke, but I always assumed it was a private thing that nobody would ever notice or cause people to think I have an IQ of about thirty....

 

[lunarious]

I agree we probably do (trust everone). Or we can go the other way and trust no one.

I would say I am No One (No Thing) himself.
I Bow to One Thing and Trust it.

"One Thing" is The Parlement. In Norway etymologically we Say Storting (Big Thing).

In England the say The Big Thing is divided into over-house and underhouse says my friend BK.

Edit: No religious baggage intended. Pure English/Science.

 

[Levitat0r]

I would say I am No One (No Thing) himself.
I Bow to One Thing and Trust it.

"One Thing" is The Parlement. In Norway etymologically we Say Storting (Big Thing).

In England the say The Big Thing is divided into over-house and underhouse says my friend BK.

Edit: No religious baggage intended. Pure English/Science.

Given that man is the cause of all his own problems, I ain't bowing to him.