Why are we stupid enough to trust people then they hurt us?

[Levitat0r]

 

[Misty Avich]

No, but it is a double whammy. The low theory of mind makes us perceive different opinions, or honest attempts at helping which we don't understand, as personal attacks. Because we can't get in the other person's mindset. You see it on this forum quite a bit.

The end result is, we gravitate towards people who tell us what we want to hear. And these tend to be the manipulators.

I've been re-evaluating the people I've pushed away, to figure out who has tried to help me. And I find I have more support than I thought.

I find it easier to understand people offline than I do online, although once I get to know someone online and build up some trust it can help me get when they're joking and when they're not.

But generally when reading posts online I can sense a sort of tone or vibe in someone's responses that tell me whether they're being hostile or argumentative, or just responding.

Someone on another forum said I kept threatening to leave the site every time someone disagreed with me, but I know it wasn't like that. I know that it's not what people do but how they do it. So people don't have to agree with me of course, if they express it in a civil manner. It's when you get people disagreeing in an intimidating sort of way that can be daunting, especially when it's the same group of members all pouncing on top of me when I was posting about something distressing to me.

 

[lunarious]

Given that man is the cause of all his own problems, I ain't bowing to him.

We all bow to One Thing.

I got inspired by you and remembered:

 

[Levitat0r]

I find it easier to understand people offline than I do online, although once I get to know someone online and build up some trust it can help me get when they're joking and when they're not.

But generally when reading posts online I can sense a sort of tone or vibe in someone's responses that tell me whether they're being hostile or argumentative, or just responding.

Someone on another forum said I kept threatening to leave the site every time someone disagreed with me, but I know it wasn't like that. I know that it's not what people do but how they do it. So people don't have to agree with me of course, if they express it in a civil manner. It's when you get people disagreeing in an intimidating sort of way that can be daunting, especially when it's the same group of members all pouncing on top of me when I was posting about something distressing to me.

I grew up being miserably and daily trashed by my parents as a worthless thing, so when I got honest and constructive criticism from someone, I took that as a big step up, and I always assumed other people would pause a moment to contemplate whether you're telling them the truth before labeling you the enemy, but this is exactly what Socrates died from; passively reflecting introspection to people. People don't care about the intent, they care about how you make them feel, and that can be hard to predict given that their thinking makes no sense. If someone tells me there's a pothole up ahead it's going to tear my wheel off, I'm not going to pull of the side of the road and tell them to get out because their negativity hurts my feelings. But that's how people function. Oops, it's me that has no theory of mind. Right?

 

[Levitat0r]

We all bow to One Thing.

I got inspired by you and remembered:

I only do when I they kick me in the back of the knee, theatrical Storm Trooper style, but then it's technically them bowing, not me.

 

[Misty Avich]

I do have social intuition that tells me how people are feeling or how they might feel in a situation. Like at work one time when someone wrote quite a nasty note to one of the other workers (who was often targeted and was the sensitive type too). When I saw it I felt concerned about how he's going to feel when he sees it. He's often confided in me when he felt picked on by the others.
But when he saw it he seemed calm, and just calmly put it into the bin, then gave a little laugh. I still asked if he was all right, and he seemed so chilled about it as if to be saying "yeah, I ain't going to let a silly note like that bother me", and then he asked everyone if they wanted a cup of tea.
He seemed so unusually chilled, that I reluctantly decided he was chilled, even though at first I wondered if he was just pretending not to care this time.
But after that he hasn't attended since, and this was 3 months ago. The note was enough to trigger him into a depression and felt like a bully victim. So the note really got to him more than he let on.

So someone's got to be really good at hiding their emotions to fool me, otherwise I can suss them out pretty easily.


EDIT: Oh - and I knew he didn't think it was me who had wrote the note.

 

[Misty Avich]

I grew up being miserably and daily trashed by my parents as a worthless thing, so when I got honest and constructive criticism from someone, I took that as a big step up, and I always assumed other people would pause a moment to contemplate whether you're telling them the truth before labeling you the enemy, but this is exactly what Socrates died from; passively reflecting introspection to people. People don't care about the intent, they care about how you make them feel, and that can be hard to predict given that their thinking makes no sense. If someone tells me there's a pothole up ahead it's going to tear my wheel off, I'm not going to pull of the side of the road and tell them to get out because their negativity hurts my feelings. But that's how people function. Oops, it's me that has no theory of mind. Right?

Sorry, that last bit made me laugh. Reminds me of a very sensitive friend I used to have.
Also it is always us who are blamed for having "low TOM" when it isn't always.

 

[Levitat0r]

Sorry, that last bit made me laugh. Reminds me of a very sensitive friend I used to have.

It's hyperbole, but it's how people behave. I had a major misfortune I would share with people, and they would turn around and attack me with the assertion that I'm just a bad person for dwelling on it. Well, I'll happily shut up and let the wheels fall off, and they can walk.

 

[lunarious]

 

[Levitat0r]

That's an interesting quote, but I wonder whether by "broadcast" he means "publicize" or "perpetuate". Again, I've never seen any good come from letting the theater burn, but you're going to get accused of yelling "fire" either way because that's sadly how people work.

 

[jsilver256]

I find it easier to understand people offline than I do online, although once I get to know someone online and build up some trust it can help me get when they're joking and when they're not.

But generally when reading posts online I can sense a sort of tone or vibe in someone's responses that tell me whether they're being hostile or argumentative, or just responding.

Someone on another forum said I kept threatening to leave the site every time someone disagreed with me, but I know it wasn't like that. I know that it's not what people do but how they do it. So people don't have to agree with me of course, if they express it in a civil manner. It's when you get people disagreeing in an intimidating sort of way that can be daunting, especially when it's the same group of members all pouncing on top of me when I was posting about something distressing to me.

I wasn't thinking of you in the post. But yeah. The person who says you keep threatening to leave is probably a good example of low theory of mind.

Overall, this forum isn't perfect, no forum is, but I think it's one of the best and open-minded I've ever been on, if not the most.

 

[lunarious]

We can talk PM. I have better more valid and certian quotes. It is not allowed to mix "Religion" with Politics. @Levitator

Edit: Or we can talk at Religious forums. Duh

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Just recently I nearly catastrophic thinking again with my coffee shop friend. I saw her in church but then it looked like she left the building without talking to me. When I went around talking to others then came back to the same spot I was in the lobby there she was. I talked to her, which she was not avoiding her.

She invited me to get a coffee with her but not in a sense of hanging out in a shop, there is a Sunday weekly street fair outside the building and one of the venders sells coffee so we walked a bit, talked and she got coffee. She advised me against it since I don't like coffee since I recovered from stomach pains and weakness. I told her anyway I always get hot chocolate at coffee places anyway even at the shop I meet her.

We talked for about five minutes then recorded a message to her friend. I the reached out for a hug saying thank you and she hugged me back saying thanks. She kept saying it was okay with all of the trauna dumping I been sending. That's how tolerable that girl is. She was then heading to a intro group at the church.