Why autistic people won't look others in the eye...

[tree]

I learned how to get around this by looking at a person's mouth while they talk.

That's how I got through 8th grade science class.
I needed to appear to be paying attention, so I
made a point of looking at the teacher's mouth as
he spoke.

 

[Dannarama]

Just to add a bit of humor..... I must admit, I never found this a problem personally.... if I don't look someone in the eye, it's only because I have a wandering right eye when I stare at one thing for too long (lazy eye), and I guess that can feel a little embarrasing xD especially when someone pulls out a beaut response such as "You're an interesting guy.... most guys eyes travel to my boobs, but one of yours is looking me right in the eyes while the other seems to be checking out my ear" xDDD

 

[dragonwolf]

LOL. I used to make occasional eye-contact with instructors just to keep them off my back. Especially the ones using the dreaded Socratic method of teaching. But in between I was taking copious notes anyways.

One thing I could never understand in working, was how people could be so annoyed by one's taking notes when trying to learn a new job. As if I wasn't really paying attention. Which couldn't be further from the truth!

Reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter, where Harry's taking notes in Snape's potions class and Snape accuses him of not paying attention. That scene always bugs me, because it takes a great deal of attention to be able to write notes and keep up with the lecture.

 

[AdultAspie69]

For me, I'm able to glance into someone's eyes briefly, but extended looking makes me feel as though they are reading my most personal thoughts. I've gotten a little better at eye contact. It's actually harder with family/friends because if they see my personal thoughts, they would be ashamed of me or wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.
Just the stress of having the conversation makes me unable to retain what they're talking about. I have a delay in responding to people's questions, they usually don't give me enough time to respond. they either think I'm ignoring them or don't know the answer. Some people think I'm incapable of speech.

 

[FreeDiver]

My first teacher used to chastise me every day for not looking he in the eye and used to try to force me to do so. This practice usually ended in tears!

I don't get it either. I don't understand why NT's find pleasure in such a painful act. But then again, why does it hurt to do it in the first place? What is it about locking pupils with another that causes so much trama?

 

[AdultAspie69]

When I was younger, a neighbor's 6 year old nt spit at me because I wouldn't look him in the eyes. He kept bugging me to do so, but I'm not all that comfortable with kids.

 

[Bender5]

Quite often if I really want to hear what someone is saying I have to close my eyes..

 

[starving_artist]

I learned how to get around this by looking at a person's mouth while they talk.

I tried this for a while, but then I just found myself getting distracted by their lip shape, or wondering what sort of dental work they've had done, or a tiny seed stuck in their teeth...and before I knew it I'd not taken in a word of what they said. If it's really important that I focus on their words and really take them in and process them, I need to look away from their face. It's a little easier for me to look at their face and look them in the eye briefly if I am speaking to them rather than listening to them talk.

 

[abby normal]

I seem to be the opposite, in that I tend to stare and drill holes through people's heads.

 

[tree]

@abby normal

I have a relative who does that, too.
He is also very good at intimidating dogs.
By looking at them.

 

[Adora]

Eye contact has always made me uncomfortable,my eye contact is a bit better with my husband but with most people I find it difficult to hold long eye contact with them without having the urge to look away,I have had a few people through the years say things like "when I'm talking look me in the eye" which just makes me feel terrible,I just always get this weird uncomfortable feeling when looking in someone eyes and I find it also hard to concentrate.

 

[SusanLR]

I see many of these replies fit my reasons I can't look people in the eyes when having a conversation.
If I do, I can't retain what we are talking about.
If I don't, I can speak and listen easily and concentrate on the convo.
I was first made aware of this in grade school also.
One teacher would always say look me in the eyes when I am speaking. You aren't paying attention!
I replied: Not looking you in the eyes is the only way I CAN pay attention.

 

[Datura]

This is one of those things that makes me doubt I am on the spectrum. Generally a bit of eye contact doesn't bother me. I have also observed other people's eye contact and found that most individuals do not maintain eye contact during a conversation, they tend to look around, glancing periodically at the person they are talking to.

Then again, I can find more intense or prolonged eye contact profoundly uncomfortable
(not painful) to the point that I have to look away. I particularly recall trying to maintain eye contact with a boyfriend of mine and simply not being able to do it. I would get this intense giddy feeling, like he was tickling my brain. I got the same feeling while working with someone with William's syndrome. They would look at me, and I just had to look away. I noticed that they frowned when I did this, which made me feel bad, but I had no choice.

Since I started monitoring such things consciously I also notice that I often look at peoples mouths or other smaller features while looking at their faces, rather than fixating on the eyes. Still, I glance at their eyes frequently as a matter of course. Eyes (or rather the muscles around them) provide a great deal of information from which one can infer an individuals mental state.

 

[Thursday]

Being repeatedly reminded as a kid, I've learned to juggle it. I glance at people's eyes while using filler sentences like "oh, I see...hmm...", then look away to think for a moment. Or I just make eye contact and smile when it's appropriate. It works most of the time.

My husband said something similar to Sabrina's and Bender's posts too. He can either look or understand, but not both. I can tell he really wants to listen when he closes his eyes to comcentrate and then asks for a few minutes to think of what to say.

 

[ezcare]

So maybe that's why I always had to take notes in class ... interesting.

I had the opposite problem in school. I either listened or took notes--could never do both at the same time. In my case, listening provided much more useful information because I could recall from memory anything I needed to know. When I tried to take notes, my brain tried to "process" the nuggets of information as I wrote. Usually I missed many of the key points and the notes were of little help when I went back to review for a test.
This same "problem" affected my ability to write Research Papers. The preferred approach for NTs was to read through a pile of books on the topic and take notes on 3x5 cards that could be used to construct the actual Research Paper. My approach was to start with the end in mind. So I would scan the books to find juicy quotes/references that supported my premise. This approach never failed me and I always got high grades on these papers. I also enjoyed writing them because when I was done with the research I was also done with the paper. No need to go back over a pile of note cards. To this day I do not know if I am able to do this because of my Aspie brain or if NTs could do the same if taught the process I use.

 

[Leelu]

In my case, I can see people in the eye, but sometimes, when that happens, I completely forget of what we were talking about

I learned how to get around this by looking at a person's mouth while they talk. To them it looks like I am looking them in the eye but for me I can avoid the uncomfortable eye contact that distracts me.

These two comments totally ring true for me! I think I started watching people's mouths at a fairly early age and used to have many people tell me I'm a good listener.

But it feels like the past 10 years or so (I'm 51) I've become very aware of myself having to look away or at the ground while I'm trying to formulate a response even though I try to look into their eyes as much as possible. Maybe I shouldn't try and just go back to staring at mouths!

Recently I was at an informal meeting with 2 others in my community (not a social gathering) and one of them said, "Spit it out!" because I was taking so long to say what I was trying to say. She said it jokingly but it still threw me and the feeling stayed with me for the rest of the evening. At that point I was just SO ready to go home!

 

[abby normal]

@abby normal

I have a relative who does that, too.
He is also very good at intimidating dogs.
By looking at them.

I wish I could intimidate dogs but even the little ankle biters always intimidate me.

 

[Samantha mcbay]

I can with my children but not anyone else. It doesn't hurt me, I just get very dizzy and uncomfortable like everything is rocking and so have to keep looking away. Also I can focus better on what's being said if I'm not looking at them. Sometimes I have no idea what's been said at because I just can't both look at someone and register what someone is saying I think because it takes so much effort to try look at someone so as not to appear rude or impolite. I started taking my drawing journal around because social atmospheres were becoming too stressful and I found I can take in a lol more of what's being said. When I'm anxious I just shut down and cannot function. But how do you explain that to a NT person who doesn't understand.
.

 

[ezcare]

But how do you explain that to a NT person who doesn't understand.

If any NT person is willing to listen to your explanation you are half way there. This is like a "faith in God" thing. For those who already believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who do not believe, no explanation is possible.

 

[ezcare]

But it feels like the past 10 years or so (I'm 51) I've become very aware of myself having to look away or at the ground while I'm trying to formulate a response even though I try to look into their eyes as much as possible. Maybe I shouldn't try and just go back to staring at mouths!

If you can hold out a few more years, this concern will go the way of 8-track tapes. We will all be communicating via text messages and the average person will fear face2face contact. ;-)