Why do people always seem so happy and positive in social settings?

[thejuice]

I was at a small gathering today and I was anxious the whole time, with an inner dialogue distracting me from keeping up with conversations. I lasted about an hour and then built up the courage to say I'm going home, it's not easy to do that for me, I don't like the attention.

 

[Judge]

I was at a small gathering today and I was anxious the whole time, with an inner dialogue a lot of the time distracting me. I lasted about an hour and then built up the courage to say I'm going home, it's not easy to do that for me, I don't like the attention.

I hate that feeling. Reminds me of most social occasions where I planned to leave early, yet when the time came it still felt uncomfortable. Like you can't win in this "game of autism".

 

[thejuice]

I don’t get it in the same way I’ll never get why it was so important to send a man to the moon.

Maybe the man was an aspie and happier on the moon

 

[thejuice]

I hate that feeling. Reminds me of most social occasions where I planned to leave early, yet when the time came it still felt uncomfortable. Like you can't win in this "game of autism".

Luckily I have a more socially agreeable excuse of chronic pain to go. I've never been able to say "sorry my social battery is empty I have to go"

 

[Judge]

I've never been able to say "sorry my social battery is empty I have to go"

Me neither. But it made me wonder what the effect would have been had we said just that?

Though it reminds on some very rare moments when I say to perfect strangers, "Autistic children grow up to become autistic adults". With the look on their faces often being priceless.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Some enjoy gossip. Some enjoy showing off their stuff. Some are hoping for a “romantic encounter”. Good food. Free alcohol. Maybe even just letting their own children be occupied by everyone else’s children for a few hours. People like parties, concerts, birthdays, holidays, etc.

That's it they are not like us. I like being alone my wife does not.she has to be in a social group Once I get to know them I start talking and enjoy their company one on one really works for me my wife's cousin is a close friend of her
I spend a lot of time talking to her and she tells my wife I'm a fascinating person to converse with. my wife thinks her cousin is nuts.

 

[thejuice]

Me neither. But it made me wonder what the effect would have been had we said just that?

I worry that they might take offense but I suppose that's on them if they can't relate to it. We can only be us and if we're not compatible with certain people that's life

I guess you could say you're tired which is not a lie and leave it at that.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I think you're generalizing too much there. Many of us might be introverts, but so are a lot of NTs. Also, the neurotype doesn't equal the entire personality. Some people experience emotions more intensely than others, some people find it harder to play over their feelings and put on a happy mask, both NDs and NTs. Everyone masks to some degree.
Growing up, my sister and I have been taught to be "society-suitable" at all times. No matter what issues my family was going through at the time - when we were meeting my parents' friends or were at a social gathering together, we were "the happy, polite family". I grew up with this, so it was normal to me, and although it surely wasn't really healthy, I am also sort of greatful to have aquired that skill, despite being autistic. So has my sister, a NT (as far as we know). What I mean is: All kinds of families can have functioned that way within some limits, producing people who can smooth over their true feelings and put on a friendly face because they learnt it growing up, no matter their neurotype.
I find it hard to suppress when I'm sad about something during a social setting, but I can if I have to. On the other hand, I have a NT friend who absolutely can't suppress something negative. So I think the neurotype plays less a role than what you've learnt growing up and what you've practiced a lot, and how your personality works.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I'm by nature extraverted if keep to myself at parties or hang out with the women.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I relate to this. I have some kinda big health problems. I was at temple today, and I could have asked the rabbi or anyone for prayer. It's why I went. But I hardly know those people. And everyone just seemed so happy and congenial. I didn't want to be Debbie Downer. So I kept my scary stuff to myself, prayed with them, ate with them, and quietly went out the door.

 

[Tom]

I think it is because that is what you are supposed to do in friendly social gatherings. If you show being down and unhappy you become a party pooper and spoil the occasion. So if you are not up to it, just don't go.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I go for my wife and if the right people are there we both have fun.

 

[SusanLR]

I think it is because that is what you are supposed to do in friendly social gatherings. If you show being down and unhappy you become a party pooper and spoil the occasion. So if you are not up to it, just don't go.

Good advice.

Who made these social rules?
Why are we so eager to follow the rules?
There must be some reason we try to be people pleasers.
Something we want to get out of doing things we don't even want to.

A desire to be accepted or fit in for...? That answer will be different for each individual. But think about it. There is a reason for each choice we make.
And societal norms vary so greatly from place to place around the world.

If you don't want to spoil others fun, but it isn't enjoyable for you, just don't do it.
Unless it is something necessary like for your employment, education or a goal.
Then you're back to understanding line #5: Something we want to get.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I think it also depends a bit on the situation.
Sometimes I meet friends and I'm in a bad mood, and showing it and talking about helps me. In that case, my friends are more than willing to share my worries and to discuss it.
Sometimes, I feel bad but feel like meeting a friend might make me feel better. Then I have 2 options: 1st, I try to play over my bad mood and act cheerful, hoping that it will lead to me feeling actually better (which can absolutely work! Sometimes you need a little push to stop dwelling on something). 2nd, I go but tell my friend that I don't feel too well and whether we can just do something low-key together, like watching a movie. I don't suppress my bad mood altogether, but I also don't shower my friend with it, but don't force myself to be unnaturally cheerful either.
And finally, sometimes I feel bad (or not even feel bad but my social battery is just empty) and I honestly don't want to see anyone. Then I don't. I try not to cancel too much because of this but instead try more obtion 2B (doing something low-key) to keep in touch with my friends, but I absolutely do this, too. If you have good and understanding friends, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

If the people I'm meeting aren't my friends but looser acquaintances, I'm more radical between "do I feel well enough to see them or would it cause a meltdown", and I decide to go or not go, feeling less bad about it. Everyone should understand if you say, sorry, I had a bad day, I will join again next time.
Since I'm practicing to be fairly honest and usually meet nice people (like my DnD group e.g.), I got into the habit of being open and of letting them know beforehand when I'm really feeling a bit low or my social battery is on limit but I still want to go. The fact that they know already feels like a relief, and I know that it will be okay if I don't talk much or zone out, without having to explain.

 

[Hypnalis]

I think it is because that is what you are supposed to do in friendly social gatherings. If you show being down and unhappy you become a party pooper and spoil the occasion. So if you are not up to it, just don't go.

Exactly.

You can attend and take relatively little part on the gathering, but it's not polite to attend and then complain about the nature of the gathering or the people.

So you don't go if you don't feel up to it, and you leave early if you change to that status during the shared activity.

NT's don't expect everyone to be "all-in" socially. If they did, they wouldn't mix with NT introverts.

But making everyone else feel bad is likely to get you excluded from subsequent gatherings. Note that there are a lot of different ways this can happen, most of which aren't typical for NDs. For example introducing politics, then insulting anyone who doesn't agree with you (this seems to be a real issue in the US at the moment, but it's almost unknown where I live).

There's an informal set of protocols (sometimes called "Dinner Party Rules" for this. "No Politics" is high on the list. So is "No Trauma Dumping" (though AFAIK not by that name - the protocol is quite old, and that term is relatively new).

OFC we already have a lot of rules to consider, and perhaps no room for more. So here's a simple summary:
* Be polite by the standards of the others in the group
* It's ok to be relatively quiet/low-key
* Don't be annoying towards anyone (e.g. the two examples above, and add in "discuss your special interests in 'sound bites' rather than lengthy monologs")

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I was at a small gathering today and I was anxious the whole time, with an inner dialogue distracting me from keeping up with conversations. I lasted about an hour and then built up the courage to say I'm going home, it's not easy to do that for me, I don't like the attention.

Im doing much better in those situations matter of fact I am liking them and preferring them more than being by myself. Believe it or not I even find it easier the more women there then men. The men actually are the ones that make me feel more uncomfortable until I actually get to know them more.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Sometimes you must compromise think of your spouse life is not always just about you.

 

[Mary Terry]

Wait, NTs mask? Don't many Aspies believe that socialising is like breathing to them? Although I don't think it's as cut and dry as that.

Of course, NTs mask. Most of us are very good at it (I can slap a fake smile on my face at any time), and all NTs understand that all other NTs mask. It's unfortunate that so many aspies mistakenly think that socializing is fun, innate, easy, natural, and non-stressful for NTs.

 

[Mary Terry]

This is so true. I prefer to get into deep conversations, but others do not seem to be all that interested in doing such things. Which I can understand when socializing with people who you don't know very well. I am amazed at how quickly NT's bounce from one topic to another w/out any thought. And there is seemingly an endless number of topics to jump to and have a surface level conversation about them. I do tend to get stuck on single words or sentences and my mind starts thinking about it and then I stop listening. It is something I am aware of that I do, but so hard to not do it. The one good thing about NT's moving on quickly is they probably forget about any social awkward moment or gaffes if they do occur, whereas I have thought about those at length at times afterward. At the end of the day, my mind is always thinking about something. NT's must not do that. Listening is difficult because my mind needs to stop thinking in order to listen. But I would rather think because it is more stimulating. Auditory processing difficulties may be the primary driver of the boredom I experience when in social situations because I can't even process everything being said. So I just get bored and then tune out.

There's a time and place for everything, including deep conversations. Your friend's baby shower or the grocery store parking lot is not the place to engage in long, deep conversations. NTs often bounce from one topic to another when the current topic of conversation is boring, and we're trying to politely end the conversation and get away from the boring person. NTs don't forget socially awkward moments, either, but we use masking to make the awkward person feel better about themselves. NTs' minds are rarely at rest. We are constantly thinking, analyzing, sometimes obsessively. Why would you think otherwise?

 

[Misty Avich]

Of course, NTs mask. Most of us are very good at it (I can slap a fake smile on my face at any time), and all NTs understand that all other NTs mask. It's unfortunate that so many aspies mistakenly think that socializing is fun, innate, easy, natural, and non-stressful for NTs.

I know. It's annoying when Aspies think that being NT is like a walk in the park everywhere they go.
The reason I want to be NT instead of Aspie is only because I want to be in the majority and I hate the stereotypes and stigma attached to autism or feeling infantilised, marginalised, treated differently.