Why do people always seem so happy and positive in social settings?

[tree]

When I get together with friends in social settings, they always seem so happy and energetic. Depending what I have going on in life, sometimes I am in a good mood and talkative, but other times I am feeling tired and in a bad mood. Are other people happy all of the time in social settings just because they get such a high of being around other people? Alternatively, perhaps sometimes they are happy, but other times they are not in a good mood but they are just more capable of hiding their true feelings. I guess what I am getting at is are neurotypical people capable of being unhappy in a social situation? Because I rarely see it.

You're saying you have a difficult time understanding that other people have feelings?

 

[mw2530]

You're saying you have a difficult time understanding that other people have feelings?

No, that's not what I am saying. What I don't understand is that people tend to always seem so happy in in good moods in a social setting. But I imagine in their lives they are not always happy or in good moods. So I wasn't sure if just being in a social setting puts people in a good mood and gives them a high. While for me, social settings can often be stressful and before, during, and after. Sometimes that is not the case and I also enjoy social settings at times depending on how well I know the people that are there and whether I am tired or well rested. For neurotypicals, it does not seem to matter much the setting or who is there or how tired or rested they might be. Regardless of the circumstances, they seem to be happy in good moods when they are at a social function. As a result, my hypothesis is that being at the social function is what causes the happiness.

 

[Judge]

No, that's not what I am saying. What I don't understand is that people tend to always seem so happy in in good moods in a social setting. But I imagine in their lives they are not always happy or in good moods. So I wasn't sure if just being in a social setting puts people in a good mood and gives them a high. While for me, social settings can often be stressful and before, during, and after. Sometimes that is not the case and I also enjoy social settings at times depending on how well I know the people that are there and whether I am tired or well rested. For neurotypicals, it does not seem to matter much the setting or who is there or how tired or rested they might be. Regardless of the circumstances, they seem to be happy in good moods when they are at a social function. As a result, my hypothesis is that being at the social function is what causes the happiness.

I see such observations not in terms of neurological profiles so much as basic chemistry between people. And how more often than not it isn't all that great. Yet when you see people with real chemistry between them, it makes the appearance of socialization that much more positive.

As for those being less positive...well, that may amount to little more than masking.

However that "chemistry" itself, remains a mystery to me. While I have experienced it, at the same time I can't possibly explain it.

 

[tree]

What I don't understand is that people tend to always seem so happy in in good moods in a social setting. But I imagine in their lives they are not always happy or in good moods. So I wasn't sure if just being in a social setting puts people in a good mood and gives them a high. While for me, social settings can often be stressful and before, during, and after. Sometimes that is not the case and I also enjoy social settings at times depending on how well I know the people that are there and whether I am tired or well rested. For neurotypicals, it does not seem to matter much the setting or who is there or how tired or rested they might be. Regardless of the circumstances, they seem to be happy in good moods when they are at a social function. As a result, my hypothesis is that being at the social function is what causes the happiness.

You were wondering about what motivates people to appear to be happy.

 

[Xinyta]

No, that's not what I am saying. What I don't understand is that people tend to always seem so happy in in good moods in a social setting. But I imagine in their lives they are not always happy or in good moods. So I wasn't sure if just being in a social setting puts people in a good mood and gives them a high. While for me, social settings can often be stressful and before, during, and after. Sometimes that is not the case and I also enjoy social settings at times depending on how well I know the people that are there and whether I am tired or well rested. For neurotypicals, it does not seem to matter much the setting or who is there or how tired or rested they might be. Regardless of the circumstances, they seem to be happy in good moods when they are at a social function. As a result, my hypothesis is that being at the social function is what causes the happiness.

NTs have a natural capability to 'put on a good face'. Similar to how we mask. Look happy and in control, when they really have problems they are figuring out. Though executive funtion, and handling stress, are two things NTs have over us in spades. What would turn us into a puddle of stress and emotions, is just 'another day' for NTs.

But being around others does seem to help. Socializing comes naturally to NTs. So just talking to someone to distract from work, bills, and other things, is just as natural as water flowing. Something that we struggle with and need to put effort into, to overcome.

We can reach a capacity of socializing close to a NT's. But it'll never be perfect. Not that it needs to be.

 

[mw2530]

You were wondering about what motivates people to appear to be happy.

I guess that is one way to put it, although I don't know if "motivate" is the right word. That seems to give the impression that people are not genuinely happy, but instead have some sort of ulterior reason to act like they are happy.

 

[mw2530]

NTs have a natural capability to 'put on a good face'. Similar to how we mask. Look happy and in control, when they really have problems they are figuring out. Though executive funtion, and handling stress, are two things NTs have over us in spades. What would turn us into a puddle of stress and emotions, is just 'another day' for NTs.

But being around others does seem to help. Socializing comes naturally to NTs. So just talking to someone to distract from work, bills, and other things, is just as natural as water flowing. Something that we struggle with and need to put effort into, to overcome.

We can reach a capacity of socializing close to a NT's. But it'll never be perfect. Not that it needs to be.

Yeah, it does seem like NTs have more of an ability to handle stresses. Although, I also see NTs tend to be susceptible to many bad habits such as drinking, overeating/poor diet, and smoking. Not sure if these are attempts to cope or manage stress or if they are just bad habits. Of course, anyone can engage in those sort of behaviors, NT or not. I've learned that as someone on the spectrum, I will have no chance at surviving in this world w/out healthy habits such as exercise and eating well.. NT's seem to be able to be fine either way.

People on the spectrum tend to have other strengths that NTs do not generally have, although often times these strengths are not as adaptable to the world and are not useful unless someone is in the right situation. I can run circles around NTs in certain things, but these strengths are only sometimes visible to other people. Often times, it is hidden from most people which is ok I guess. It just gets exhausting always feeling so different from the rest of the world. Even when being around friends, I often times feel like others are critical and not always the most accepting of these differences. I'm not sure why, perhaps they feel threatened.

 

[Xinyta]

Although, I also see NTs tend to be susceptible to many bad habits such as drinking, overeating/poor diet, and smoking. Not sure if these are attempts to cope or manage stress or if they are just bad habits. Of course, anyone can engage in those sort of behaviors, NT or not.

You are right that these addictions are not limited to NTs. However those bad habits/addictions are more indulged due to psychological reasons, than stress on it's own. Many commonly binge drink and/or take drugs to give them a temporary sense of happiness, where they otherwise do not have it. Though hard drugs and alchohol are not the only thing people go to. My former addiction to soda, is an example.

People on the spectrum tend to have other strengths that NTs do not generally have, although often times these strengths are not as adaptable to the world and are not useful unless someone is in the right situation. I can run circles around NTs in certain things, but these strengths are only sometimes visible to other people. Often times, it is hidden from most people which is ok I guess. It just gets exhausting always feeling so different from the rest of the world. Even when being around friends, I often times feel like others are critical and not always the most accepting of these differences. I'm not sure why, perhaps they feel threatened.

NTs see us as strange people who just happen to be REALLY skilled at something. Otherwise we are odd balls and even scary, to some degree. Alot of it has to do with our socail deficiencies and how we present ourselves in our body language.

Particularly judgemental NTs will think we are psychopaths or mentally sick, in some way, due to how we respond or not respond to cetain things. Which is why autistics get disrespected and even institutionalized for being themselves. Masking helps mitigate this. But it hurts us more, in doing it.

It's a case of screwed if you do, screwed if you don't. But the particularly judgemental ones have no place in our life and hold no precedence. At least if we don't let them.

 

[mw2530]

You are right that these addictions are not limited to NTs. However those bad habits/addictions are more indulged due to psychological reasons, than stress on it's own. Many commonly binge drink and/or take drugs to give them a temporary sense of happiness, where they otherwise do not have it. Though hard drugs and alchohol are not the only thing people go to. My former addiction to soda, is an example

Sugar could be the most addictive legal drug there is. And perhaps the most widely used, abused, and accepted.

 

[mw2530]

NTs see us as strange people who just happen to be REALLY skilled at something. Otherwise we are odd balls and even scary, to some degree. Alot of it has to do with our socail deficiencies and how we present ourselves in our body language.

Particularly judgemental NTs will think we are psychopaths or mentally sick, in some way, due to how we respond or not respond to cetain things. Which is why autistics get disrespected and even institutionalized for being themselves. Masking helps mitigate this. But it hurts us more, in doing it.

It's a case of screwed if you do, screwed if you don't. But the particularly judgemental ones have no place in our life and hold no precedence. At least if we don't let them.

I completely agree that those on the spectrum are often times not treated with respect and dignity. I even experience a lack of respect from friends at times. And people generally do not take the time to listen to our thoughts, opinions, or feelings.

And I completely agree with the idea of we are screwed if you do, and screwed if you don't. The subtle signs of disrespect shown to us can be quite damaging as well. I think the outright judgment and disrespect is more of a problem as a kid, teen, and young adult. As people get older, they show there dislike or judgments in more of a subtle way as it is more socially acceptable.

 

[Hypnalis]

As a result, my hypothesis is that being at the social function is what causes the happiness.

This is certainly (100%) true for many people (probably most, but there's a huge self-selection bias
We're wired to enjoy talking to each other.

Humans like being in groups of compatible people. What they say is often "small talk", which is called that because (by our standards) it's largely content-free. But it adds to the group's collective positive feelings.

But not everyone has to enjoy being social as long as there's a critical mass. Evolution probably hasn't strongly selected against not liking chatting, or being neutral about groups.

As usual there's a clear M/F split. I could imagine that men being chatty is a (generally positive) feminine trait.

 

[Mary Terry]

No, that's not what I am saying. What I don't understand is that people tend to always seem so happy in in good moods in a social setting. But I imagine in their lives they are not always happy or in good moods. So I wasn't sure if just being in a social setting puts people in a good mood and gives them a high. While for me, social settings can often be stressful and before, during, and after. Sometimes that is not the case and I also enjoy social settings at times depending on how well I know the people that are there and whether I am tired or well rested. For neurotypicals, it does not seem to matter much the setting or who is there or how tired or rested they might be. Regardless of the circumstances, they seem to be happy in good moods when they are at a social function. As a result, my hypothesis is that being at the social function is what causes the happiness.

NTs mask. They're very good at masking. It is well understood that NTs mask. They appear happy and in good moods at social functions because that is socially expected of them. So they put on a happy face to meet social expectations.

NTs are so good at masking that aspies like you actually think NTs are sincerely happy at every social function just because, to you, the NTs appear happy.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Mary Terry

True as far as it goes, but not the entire truth.

I think that's a fair description of a social event that people are forced to attend. In that case everyone is expected to fake enjoying themselves.
And I think it's also accurate for a person who doesn't want to be a an event that's working well for most people there, but not for everybody.

But another side of it: I sometimes watch football matches in a bar that has a "football club alignment", as in the correct location. So standing room only, and no shortage of "not very social" people, including me.
Naturally 100% of the people there have large flat-screen TVs at home. They are there for the company and the "vibe".

The vibe is always good. Even if the club loses the match (not infrequent). You talk to the people nearby about the ongoing match. You cheer and groan in unison (it's like that weird "synchronized disapproval" thing, except it's collective agreement about something). And if you do it often, or demonstrate a genuine bond with the club (not me), you can make "sport-domain" acquaintances very easily.

That's as much of an extreme case as your examples, but I think the dissenting position has to be made.

And similar things happen a lot of other contexts. The main requirement is that everyone wants to be there, and whatever brings the group together is something positive. For example shared physical activities do this - just going for a walk in a forest, or along a shoreline usually breaks the ice.

 

[Mary Terry]

@Mary Terry

True as far as it goes, but not the entire truth.

I think that's a fair description of a social event that people are forced to attend. In that case everyone is expected to fake enjoying themselves.
And I think it's also accurate for a person who doesn't want to be a an event that's working well for most people there, but not for everybody.

But another side of it: I sometimes watch football matches in a bar that has a "football club alignment", as in the correct location. So standing room only, and no shortage of "not very social" people, including me.
Naturally 100% of the people there have large flat-screen TVs at home. They are there for the company and the "vibe".

The vibe is always good. Even if the club loses the match (not infrequent). You talk to the people nearby about the ongoing match. You cheer and groan in unison (it's like that weird "synchronized disapproval" thing, except it's collective agreement about something). And if you do it often, or demonstrate a genuine bond with the club (not me), you can make "sport-domain" acquaintances very easily.

That's as much of an extreme case as your examples, but I think the dissenting position has to be made.

And similar things happen a lot of other contexts. The main requirement is that everyone wants to be there, and whatever brings the group together is something positive. For example shared physical activities do this - just going for a walk in a forest, or along a shoreline usually breaks the ice.

I don't know which of my examples you are taking a "dissenting position" to.

NTs don't go to optional social events if they are not in the mood. NTs superficially bond, like you do at football matches in bars, where everyone is focused on a single thing. As a 70-year-old NT, I assure you that NTs mask like crazy, most of us are quite good at it, and we fool a lot of people into thinking we are always happy to be at social events. We're just better at masking than NDs typically are.

 

[Hypnalis]

Your post is "true sometimes", but written as "true always". Fine as a general comment, but not ideal as e.g. the answer to a question.

I've been to many (at least a couple of hundred) work-related social events that weren't really optional. Fewer, but way too many family-related that similarly couldn't be avoided. A scattering of things like the social events associated with children's school. sports, "block-parties", etc.

After so much practice I can handle them adequately, but often I'd rather be somewhere else.

BTW I'm aware that NT's "mask".
An aside: I learned not long ago there's actually some fairly new science about it. Hopefully they'll keep researching.
The guy said there's a "always on" "pre-processing loop" in our brains that spins 100% of what we say to suit our personal motives and goals. Which makes sense, but it's always interesting when they prove something like that.

FWIW I needed to know about NT masking because my way of figuring out NT communication starts by splitting up the content by truth value. For me, by far the most efficient way to do that is to assume none of it is true, and work forwards from there. This is a "180" from where I started as a child/young adult, but the change was well worth it.

 

[Xinyta]

Sugar could be the most addictive legal drug there is. And perhaps the most widely used, abused, and accepted.

Caffeine addiction is on the level, more so than sugar. Not to discount sugar though. It's nearly as bad. Though the ironic thing is that Caffeine is actually a toxin. Not to humans. But to bugs. Similar to hot peppers, that produce capsaicin.

But I will agree that such things are overused in society. Coffee and soda are the biggest culprits for caffeine intake.

 

[AspieChris]

As a 70-year-old NT, I assure you that NTs mask like crazy, most of us are quite good at it, and we fool a lot of people into thinking we are always happy to be at social events. We're just better at masking than NDs typically are.

There’s a difference between the fake smile that an NT person uses in a social situation compared to the mask that an ASD person practices in the mirror which includes learning to smile. I don’t mean to really disagree but they’re completely different. Masking is actually a desperate act of survival. What NT’s do at parties really shouldn’t be put into the same category.

 

[Hypnalis]

AFAIK nicotine is the most addictive widely available recreational chemical.

Sugar doesn't count formally, because you can stop using it easily, and in a couple of weeks your body resets.

But it might as well be addictive given the way it's misused, and I'd guess it "steals" many more years of high-quality life than all physically addictive substances together, because it's so widely abused.

It's a tragi-comic story.
Apparently there was a marketing-motivated "science war" between (simplified) sugar and fat, and sugar won it.
Fat was associated (not entirely inaccurately ) with heart disease and obesity.
Sugar was off the hook for any direct illness except Type 2 diabetes (which was uncommon back then), and the calories - but fat has more calories per gram anyway, so it sounded worse.

@mw2530
It's easy to cut way back on sugar, and easy to keep living that way "forever".

If you've already done it Gz! If you're working on it, keep it up!

If neither, start now

 

[mw2530]

Humans like being in groups of compatible people. What they say is often "small talk", which is called that because (by our standards) it's largely content-free. But it adds to the group's collective positive feelings

Yuck. Small talk, AKA torture 101

 

[Hypnalis]

Yuck. Small talk, AKA torture 101

Indeed

But there are things you can do:

* Work on having a few things to talk about. This is a good long-term strategy.
Ideally you have some interests that can provide topics. So art, movies (Barbie and Oppenheimer were good examples, 2024 Disney failures not so much /lol), something you can show photos of (or just take up photography), certain "neutral" kinds of current events, an unusual but generally interesting hobby, etc.
Matching to your real interests cuts down the research time a lot.
* Do things that provide their own topics. For example a walk in a visually interesting place. Shared physical activities/sports. Again, use your existing interests, or take up something new that seems fun.
* If you do random interesting things occasionally (e.g. holidays in exotic places) they can be good (not always as openers though)

Being a bit organized about this also makes it easier to get the words right. The first time you say anything or talk about any topic is likely to be a lot more difficult and error-prone than later conversations on the same topic.

And remember: some people really like to talk. Having a few topics available doesn't mean you have to talk a lot. It can be used just to fill up any gaps or answer questions.

An opening like "what have you been up to lately" or " what do you think about X"? (where X is not controversial or sensitive OFC) will get a talker started, and you can score points and stay relaxed just by being a good listener.

It's not always right to start with personal questions, but follow-ups are good. e.g. if someone mentions doing something with their kids it's fine to ask questions like how many kids they have.

What's really difficult is going in to a situation where you have nothing except e.g. your Warhammer model painting (excluding "new era" Adeptus Custodes Anyway a topic that's likely to draw a blank stare in response isn't good, and you need something else. Immediately.

For that, a few generally viable prepared topics and some standard questions will make it go a lot easier.