Why I fear my wedding day will NEVER come

[FromEquestria2LA]

I'm a 27 yo male. Ever since my re-diagnosis last March, I've gone on some soul-searching journeys. But I think that at this point in my life, despite having graduated college, my wedding day will NEVER come. A few reasons why I think so:

1) I've had a few misunderstandings of people thinking that I stalked them, all of them girls, when I absolutely NEVER intended to do so. They think I'm as bad as Casey Anthony or Jerry Sandusky because of this.

2) I still live at home. Yes, that as far as I am going with that.

3) I cannot find work. Mostly because the market is too thin for somebody like me.

So, I think I will both likely die a virgin and unmarried (TMI alert on the first part, sorry). I just want people to sing the Star-Spangled Banner and O Canada at my funeral........ *sobs* No snide remarks, please.

 

[Ereth]

I've had a few misunderstandings of people thinking that I stalked them, all of them girls, when I absolutely NEVER intended to do so. They think I'm as bad as Casey Anthony or Jerry Sandusky because of this . . . So, I think I will both likely die a virgin and unmarried (TMI alert on the first part, sorry).

Reread what I told you in your other thread. You need to understand that there's far more to life than getting married and/or losing your virginity. Has someone actually compared you to Anthony or Sandusky? Somehow I doubt it.

I still live at home. Yes, that as far as I am going with that.

So what? I still live at home too. That's becoming quite a common occurrence for people of our age group due to tough times. It's not a predictor of whether someone is going to get married---not by itself, anyway. Now, if you sit on your rear end for another twenty years and still refuse to get a job, then yes, it might be a problem; you would be demonstrating to others that you don't have the ability to take care of a family, let alone yourself.

I cannot find work. Mostly because the market is too thin for somebody like me.

********. What's wrong with "somebody like you"? Nothing. But you have to put yourself out there and actively search for employment. Nobody's going to just hand you a job.

 

[King_Oni]

Well.. my wedding day won't ever come either. And that's because I don't put much value in it. And luckily for me, my girlfriend thinks the same way about it.

Perhaps you put too much value on the concept of marriage and all the requirements to get married.

Much like yourself I live at home and I don't have a job. And I'm a few years older than you. However, for some reason I managed to find a girlfriend. For the past 2,5 years by now; and I've dated and been in relationships before.

What if... you will run into someone who thinks you're a cool guy, but has no interest in marriage? Would you be interested? I guess the opposite is true as well, though it's probably harder; someone who wants to get married but is asexual and has no interest in doing it. Then what?

 

[FromEquestria2LA]

I dunno, maybe I'm just looking down on myself too much.

 

[Ereth]

You are. Trust me. Dumping on yourself isn't going to help anything.

 

[FromEquestria2LA]

I have had times where I felt hopeful, but the next I was hopeless.

 

[Christy]

I understand it is quite common amoung people with ASD to be "late bloomers" in terms of finding a partner or even moving out of home. I was 24 when I moved out of home, and I was 24 when I got my first boyfriend<-- yep, they were linked, but that is a long story.

As for misunderstandings resulting in you being accused of being a stalker, I have seen a lot of people come and go from this forum that say the same thing. Unfortunately sometimes the behaviour they claim is not stalking does meet that criteria when examined closer. I certainly do not know the situations you have experienced, but I would suggest (particularly if it has happened more than once) that you talk to some people about what happened and get a range of perspectives. What may seem innocent to yourself may be perceived by others as otherwise. It is really unfortunate, but that seems to be one of the catches of dating when you have ASD. Perhaps this is worth looking further into. You can hold fast to your intentions whilst still asking the question if your actions demonstrated otherwise, and perhaps learn from the experiences.

So you feel a bit better about this, I joke with my partner about me being a stalker. I genuinely do not see how my interactions would lead him to this conclusion, but thankfully he is also an aspie and could understand what was really happening from my perspective.

As for not having work, there are many many people out there in exactly the same situation. I think if any potential partner is going to accept you (ASD traits and all), then they are going to have to accept that your plight to find work is going to be all the more difficult because of your ASD, and in this climate finding work is already difficult as it is. I don't think this should be as much an issue as you are thinking.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I have to say I have the opposite problem . I feel like vast majority of women my age are looking to settle down. To find a girl that doesnt want to settle down is very rare. This really thins out my dating pool.

I think it is irrational to tie yourself to one person for the rest of your life, People change drastically every decade. Yes, you can change together, but many dont .there is a reason 51% of marriages end in divorce. I look at it like this. If i were to go skydiving, but there was a 51% chance that my parachute would fail, would I jump?

You could find a date tomorrow depending on how low you are willing to lower your standards. However , someone that is everything you want is not as easy to find.

the gap between the number of men that want to get marrried VS . the number of women that want to get married is growing much wider, so if you actually WANT to settle down with someone forever, the odds are in your favor. Even if you are unemployed and living at home.

On top of all that, Ereth is right. You have to put yourself out there. Its a numbers game. Some of us have better odds, some worse, but you cant win the lottery if you dont play. If you tried to get a date with 100 women and 99 of them said no, and 1 of them liked you, well.... All you need is 1.

 

[Ereth]

On top of all that, Ereth is right. You have to put yourself out there. Its a numbers game. Some of us have better odds, some worse, but you cant win the lottery if you don't play. If you tried to get a date with 100 women and 99 of them said no, and 1 of them liked you, well.... All you need is 1.

I was talking about his need for a steady job, but okay, I guess.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

oH, Sorry, I sometimes speed read through all the data on a post, and miss key things.

 

[FromEquestria2LA]

Even so, I am still hopeful that my princess will come.......

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I hope that you do! And dont listen to me, im a cynical ol' crimudgine. Knowing what you want is half way there.

 

[Ereth]

Even so, I am still hopeful that my princess will come.......

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. You need to get the "princess" idea out of your head right this minute. A potential girlfriend is not someone to be idealized and idolized----she is a human being. No "princess" is going to just pop into your life. Dating isn't a fairy tale, and neither is marriage. Not even when one's partner is everything positive in the world.

 

[FromEquestria2LA]

^ I guess........ everything has some sort of grim reality, eh?

 

[Christy]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. You need to get the "princess" idea out of your head right this minute. A potential girlfriend is not someone to be idealized and idolized----she is a human being. No "princess" is going to just pop into your life. Dating isn't a fairy tale, and neither is marriage. Not even when one's partner is everything positive in the world.

Maybe that's why divorce rates are so high; people don't value each other enough.

 

[Mattymatt]

Take it one step at a time. I had my first girlfriend and first breakup this year and I've got a decade on you. In time, it will come. You would be better off getting married to the right woman for all of the right reasons. You're going to be just fine.

 

[Atay]

Wanting a girlfriend/wife is fine, but make sure you are filling up your life with other things that are important to you. Otherwise, you'll become obsessed with women - and that a turn-off. I'd connect with a good counselor to increase you resiliency.

 

[Mattymatt]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. You need to get the "princess" idea out of your head right this minute. A potential girlfriend is not someone to be idealized and idolized----she is a human being. No "princess" is going to just pop into your life. Dating isn't a fairy tale, and neither is marriage. Not even when one's partner is everything positive in the world.

Yeah, I almost made this mistake. My Aspie mind .... well, my ex would remind me that she is very human. Lesson learned for the future.

 

[Mattymatt]

Wanting a girlfriend/wife is fine, but make sure you are filling up your life with other things that are important to you. Otherwise, you'll become obsessed with women - and that a turn-off. I'd connect with a good counselor to increase you resiliency.

That and dating takes LOTS of practice. I hadn't had trouble attracting a woman, I had extreme difficulty getting past a second or even third date. Atay is correct, you have to have resiliency as well. You also have to learn how to take rejection without personalizing it and move on.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. You need to get the "princess" idea out of your head right this minute. A potential girlfriend is not someone to be idealized and idolized----she is a human being. No "princess" is going to just pop into your life. Dating isn't a fairy tale, and neither is marriage. Not even when one's partner is everything positive in the world.

Ereth let him keep the princess thought. I think a guy who thinks like that is adorable - maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. I agree about marriage not being easy, but he's just trying to find a gf at the moment. Dating should be fun and if it turns into more than that then seriousness should follow.