Why I Think **Relationships And Sex** Are Just Too Dangerous For Some Aspies

[tachyon]

If you’re a guy who can relate to this in any way then by all means chime in, tell me about your story or advise me.
Women’s comments, questions or advice is still welcome too. I apologize for the length of this otherwise abridged article/question.

To me, looking through an online dating catalog of women is almost as pointless as looking at a porno site, you’re looking at things you can never have and are partially conflicted about wanting in the first place. You look at each profile and it might as well be a fantasy to hope for anything and this is part of the danger, especially when you see someone so perfect physically or in terms of having many shared interests.
I’m still in many ways a 17yr old or younger in my mind even though parts of it are adult. I can’t really laugh or joke with someone or even do general banter (unless there’s a specific subject to discuss).
If you imagine a much less annoying Sheldon cooper (from big bang theory, because like him I have aspergers) in a realistic world where the likes of Penny is naturally never gonna associate with the likes of him and his group of friends, then in some ways (not all) I’d kinda resemble his perceived awkwardness around women and it’d also be similar to his relationship with his girlfriend Amy (though I have additional problems he does not).
I just want and need the feelings to go away (the romantic and the sexual), I need the pressure taken off of me to have what I do not have and want what I’m lead to believe (in a biological and instinctive way I guess) that I need. This all escalated in the face of the coming of so many irreversible problems and so long as it remains, so too does the dependence, but if the feelings were removed then so would the partially correct assumption it’d bring the happiness it never could (not even if I did get a girlfriend I actually considered to be good looking, even though in many ways it would make things better for the time being). I need to stop wanting people to care enough to want to try and advise or offer sympathy or to even criticize me for not wanting a relationship (I don’t get this often, but I liked it and I shouldn’t have, so now I’m practically asking for it in my mind even though overall understandably almost no-none really cares).
Trying for a girlfriend (through the more likely but never the less impossible means of online dating over anything face to face) is just cruel towards me and makes me lose my self-respect when I’m immediately or eventually rejected (through all those annoying delays and various other things you'll get once those few have responded to you) and more seriously it contributes slightly to my ongoing anxiety and on/off depression (a few years ago it triggered a horrible break-down in which seeing the temptations and starting to feel dependence on them caused me to to abandon my recently ordered food in McDonalds and run out of the town-center to the nearest private place, a field, to collapse for 20mins and burst into tears).
I mustn’t be allowed to purposely look at or feel anything for a girls (breasts, thighs, butt etc) nor acknowledge any beauty in her face or imagine anything happening with her and most importantly I need to not to have a problem with this nor with knowing that a girl will never truely care about me (just like it used to be, except it was encouraged by myself back then and wasn’t a requirement as it seems to be now). Love and any sexual feelings are just dangerous for me (always have been, not that I always realised) but these days my willpower isn’t enough because of this irreversible situation I’m in as of these last 4 or so years (too long to go into). It’s annoying that your own so-called natural feelings/tendencies could create such a problem for you, especially as I’ve been in conflict with love/sexual feelings since I was a child (though normally I managed to reject and suppress romantic tendencies).

I’ve deleted my online dating profile and with it all current contacts I was partially engaged in conversations with and any further unattainable temptation. My internet content filter has been reactivated along with the additional custom blocks I’d previously had in place. Henceforth I’ll ensure I go back (when chance unfortunately presents itself) to no longer trying to socialize with any women and all communication is either on a professional or polite response basis only (so basically there’ll be no joking around with any of them or complimenting them etc in my day to day job and I’ll try once more rejoicing in being seemingly socially unresponsive/awkward rather than trying to engage with them (used to be this way prior to about 4yrs ago, but no effort was required).
The problems I’m gonna face however is seeing them on a daily basis (I basically work/call on a variety of supermarkets around the county where I’ll see plenty of women of all desirable shapes and sizes all the time, couples engaging with one and other and also the fact that I work around magazines a lot (avoiding looking at the lads mags is easy, but there’s too many womens mags dealing with 'bodies' and relationships) and finally there's fiction (soap operas and films all portraying these situations I finally understand why I could never be a part of, the one’s that give that false hope and the very scenarios to base your pathetic fantasies around). This is why I need to be made or assisted in becoming emotionally unreceptive to them because the temptation is always going to be there in front of me and after time I almost forget what I’m supposed to do or not do and potentially fall into this trap of trying once again (or sometimes the temptation might just be too much even when I don't forget). There’s a lot more that I should’ve written down when I was thinking for the first time about it, but basically what I need is help from the councillor and any guys who can just relate to this or anyone with any advice, but moreover I need to try and go about getting ‘anaphrodisiacs’ (basically for the uninformed, these are the kinda drugs/tablets that kill the libido and could perhaps prevent me from thinking and feeling about these things so that I can avoid more shame, humiliation, anxiety and potential depression). This’ll ultimately stop me from deluding myself into thinking that if I stop this, try that, ask for this etc that there’s somehow a way I can defy my preset limitations and that women will abandon their rightful (if somewhat harsh) standards to accept me as their otherwise pitiful excuse for a boyfriend.

I think on the rare occasions anyone innocently asks if I’m married, have a girlfriend or kids (without somehow realizing that it should really be a self-explanatory- of course not!, before actually asking this) that I’ll just answer with- “sadly no, I’ve got aspergers syndrome so that’s not possible” (most don’t even know what aspergers is, so it’s likely this’d be accepted without question anyway). This is in spite of the fact that some or many guys with aspergers have managed to get relationships, and without online dating for some too (how I don’t know, but I think aspergers is such a broad range of symptoms compared to so many other medical conditions that I’m just one such rarer variation of something which otherwise need not be thought of as a negative). Though I shouldn’t and don’t think of my many shortcomings as a bad thing, aspie guys who didn’t have to settle for someone ugly with lower standards, or get a girlfriend out of pity or lie to get them etc, should feel very pleased with themselves and happy they’re not as incapable as me.

THAG
I don't know if what I have to say is affirming or not, but all my twenties were like how you describe (without the online dating). On reaching thirty I seemed to become more attractive to women who were not then married as I was single and had a good job. The woman who I eventually married (at 31) became mother to my two (now adult) children who I adore. She remarked to me (before we married) that when a woman is twenty she is looking for Mr Right & when she is Thirty she's looking for Mr That'll do. I accept that I was her Mr That'll do, but she was a very good wife & mother and although we are no longer together I very much value what we created together.

Hang in there dude

 

[Slithytoves]

Slithytones....! This was a stumble-upon for me (pretty long thread), as Harrison is one of my favorite people on this site, and I wondered whom it was he wrote about meeting. True, happy, heartfelt YIPPEE for you two!!!

I'm an NT in a slow and long-distance growing relation with an Aspie, and I am pleased that I did take the time and interest to learn the person he is, as not many people ever have. Their miss. My find. My warm heart.

Thanks Kyliewyote! (Great screen name, by the way.) Another member here introduced us. I got a two-fer -- a partner and a community. I likely never would have come here otherwise, but it's been one of the best social experiences of my life. Glad you're enjoying yourself on AC, too.

That's the thing about Aspies/HFAs, relationships tend to grow slowly and you have to do some work to get to know us. That may make an online dating site a tough medium for people on the spectrum, even though we are often better at communicating in writing than in face-to-face dialogue. It's the initial small talk that stumps us. It's just not our thing, so getting from first introduction to real conversation can be a challenge, which is a bummer since light banter is integral to the online dating process these days. It didn't used to be. Before facebook and Twitter caught on, dating sites encouraged members to respond to profiles with more substantive and lengthy messages. Now almost nobody seems to go for that option.

Congratulations on your relationship. I hope the miles between you aren't proving too difficult. Harrison and I are currently twiddling our thumbs through a seven-week gap between visits and it's driving me batty. The next gap will be the last, thank goodness. I've done long-distance relationships before, but this one has been much harder than the others.

The_Hopeless_Aspie_Guy, that just inspired a thought. Have you considered a long-distance relationship? Maybe with someone abroad or in another part of the UK? Someone willing to connect long-distance would be more likely to be open to going slowly, getting to know you better before making a judgment. We're a different breed of dater. And never underestimate the power of being a little exotic. You can get a long way with a girl just for being novel -- with a cool accent.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

THAG

THAG- 'To Hopeless Aspie Guy' (I forgot that I actually registered as - 'The hopeless aspie guy' lol).

I accept that I was her Mr That'll do, but she was a very good wife & mother and although we are no longer together I very much value what we created together.

Could that have been the reason why you split? Because you were only her 'Mr. that'll do'. It just doesn't sound like a great way to think of one's partner (even if she's able to speak for woman-kind and not just herself).

Harrison and I are currently twiddling our thumbs through a seven-week gap between visits

When you say 'Harrison'....I say 'ford'...'Harrison'....'Ford'....'Harrison'....'Ford!!'
The bit above is a play on a UK garage musical aritsts song ('garage' being a trendy music genre many moons ago). Sorry couldn't resist, Harrison is (to me anyway) a rare name.

Have you considered a long-distance relationship? Maybe with someone abroad or in another part of the UK?

Although I hope you're not implying I should start following those 'russian bride' links in terms of searching far and wide? In general thoughh what are you thinking would come of a long distance relationship? Talking loads (whether it be online or over skype etc) getting to know eachother (meet up once, or never if she's abroad) and then when we're ready to try and become boyfriend and girlfriend we.......what???? I'm not making a mokery of your suggestion by the way, I'm just trying to understand what exactly your suggestion is indepth.

We're a different breed of dater. And never underestimate the power of being a little exotic. You can get a long way with a girl just for being novel -- with a cool accent.

Ah phew ... thought you said 'errotic' not 'exotic' for a sec lol . How the hell do you get a long distance relationship to work? Normally those are the one's that everyone (except the couple involved) knows iisn't gonna work out as local temptation grows stronger . But this is how you and Harrison met and went about your relationship is it? Him from the UK and you from the USA? Well you've got one thin right, if you're from the USA (even though I know this isn't what you meant when you mentioned 'breed') then forget about breed, you're practically a different species on the inside and just so happen to speak a little english, but it's mostly american you speak. As for you're last sentence, I assume you are referencing the british accent? If thats the case then yes you're right about the fascination, however most american women love the so-called british accent (more on why I don't regard it as an accent in a moment) as sounding sexy, intelligent and sophisticated from an NT british guy of whom they see as representing what they love for brits. Now me, I probably set the best example of so many 'british' things (dialect and beyond), but there's a problem...it's 'me'. Being a likely half aspie half NT and again, me being me (as 'aspieness' bizarelly doesn't justify not being able to get a relationship, not that I understand why not), what would actually happen is that from my perspective I'd see this brief fascination but as soon as they get a look at me or I open my mouth they'll become just like any other british girl towards me ......DEAD END!!

 

[Slithytoves]

Harrison is (to me anyway) a rare name.

Rare guy, rare name.

Although I hope you're not implying I should start following those 'russian bride' links in terms of searching far and wide? In general thoughh what are you thinking would come of a long distance relationship? Talking loads (whether it be online or over skype etc) getting to know eachother (meet up once, or never if she's abroad) and then when we're ready to try and become boyfriend and girlfriend we.......what???? I'm not making a mokery of your suggestion by the way, I'm just trying to understand what exactly your suggestion is indepth.

Well, right now you got zilch, right? What would come of a long-distance relationship would depend on you and her. I've known a number of people who met their partners online from long distances and ended up either living together long-term or married. They visited back and forth, then someone eventually relocated. That's what I'm doing, and so is another member here, just that I know of. You certainly learn a lot about the person inside when you communicate via phone/Skype and through email. You don't get the convenience of seeing them whenever you want to, but planning and anticipating the visits becomes a special event that lasts for weeks or even months to tide you over. It gives you something to look forward to and the time together is special. It all comes down to what you're really looking for. It may really not be for you. But if you're not meeting anyone locally, it's a very real option. The right person may not be in your own back yard.

Nah, I'm not suggesting you go for women from the "red flag" countries known for scammers looking to take advantage. I'm suggesting checking out women via Match's (or another site's) international pages from countries you prefer. It may not work any better than what you're doing, but what if it did?

How the hell do you get a long distance relationship to work? Normally those are the one's that everyone (except the couple involved) knows isn't gonna work out as local temptation grows stronger .

It takes patience and commitment from both parties. Local temptation isn't necessarily a problem if you are both genuinely interested in each other, and anyway, didn't you just say recently that you aren't getting any actionable local temptation? I wouldn't recommend this avenue if I didn't know more than a half-dozen people who have traveled it successfully. There's a website called Visa Journeys (and there are others as well) populated by hundreds of couples who are coming together from two different countries. I wouldn't suggest you abandon all other options until you actually made a real connection with someone, but as a little side venture, what do you have to lose?

But this is how you and Harrison met and went about your relationship is it? Him from the UK and you from the USA?

Yup.

Well you've got one thin right, if you're from the USA (even though I know this isn't what you meant when you mentioned 'breed') then forget about breed, you're practically a different species on the inside and just so happen to speak a little english, but it's mostly american you speak.

You shouldn't generalize. How many American women have you really known? I have as many British friends as I do American, and I get along with both equally well. There's no great divide between us. The cultures are different, but we also have a lot in common. Anyway, I wasn't necessarily suggesting you go for an American. Wherever suits you.

What I meant by a "different breed" is that people who are willing to entertain long-distance partnerships tend to be pretty serious about communicating and getting to know someone for who they are.

As for you're last sentence, I assume you are referencing the british accent?

Now me, I probably set the best example of so many 'british' things (dialect and beyond), but there's a problem...it's 'me'. Being a likely half aspie half NT and again, me being me (as 'aspieness' bizarelly doesn't justify not being able to get a relationship, not that I understand why not), what would actually happen is that from my perspective I'd see this brief fascination but as soon as they get a look at me or I open my mouth they'll become just like any other british girl towards me ......DEAD END!!

Any accent, not just one of the British ones. (I know the whole "I don't have an accent" argument. You do, actually. England alone has dozens of recognized dialects. We all have accents.)

You can't know what would happen with someone you've never met. At least being from somewhere else would give you some extra "interesting" points to get you past the first round. Trust me, that counts. As I said, local chicks aren't working for you now, so what is there to lose? Unless you just don't think you could ever enjoy or stick with something long-distance. Then it's not worth looking at.

It sounds like you would like to meet someone, but are very quick to rule things out and to assume nobody will want you. That approach will never get you anywhere. You know who gets the girl? The open-minded and the brave. You have a lot of qualities to love, but your defenses are getting in your way. It's not your looks or your Aspieness. It's all about the attitude, Dude. You won't find gold if you aren't willing to get wet and pan a lot of streams.

How do I have more faith in you than you do?

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Well keeping it short Slithytoves , it's certainly an option not to be overlooked (distance relationships, not even by me). You probably have more faith in me than I do because as a result of not being a garden variety aspie I'd like to think I have some or many unique skills/talents, but they can be turned against me. I understand soooo much and yet in some areas soooo little and I guess seeing things from my 1st person perspective gives me the edge on that unfortunately negative perception I have of myself under certain circumstances....i.e love.
I actually love foreign women, especially american ones .

 

[Spiller]

I'll bear that in mind for sure but only if these unexpected miracle tablets lose their possible effectiveness. Dutasteride ('proscar' for you americans and 'avodart' for us brits) seems to be having it's way with me in regards to the dreaded (although in my case it's welcome) side effect of lowered sexual desire. Somehow I just feel like I'm clawing back that control/resistance I had before the depression and anxiety started but it's too early to tell if this is just temporary or truely down to the tablets. Yak you may wanna try these if or when you decide you don't wanna feel love anymore, but hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

Spiller did you ever checkout the 'dream tablets' I told you about months ago? I'm still having dreams almost every time I go to or back to sleep and I love it.

Hey THAG, something you made me think of here:
When I was on SSRI's years ago, my sex drive was severely affected, not that that mattered while I was married, but my ability to feel emotions was affected too. This resulted, over a few years, in my depression getting far worse as the whole world just seemed.. grey - there was no fun or joy in my life at all; not only couldn't I take pleasure in my relationship anyway, I couldn't experience pleasure at all - I couldn't laugh, cry, nothing.
Actually, the antidepressant Mirtazapine was recently developed to combat the loss of sex drive as this is known to worsen depression, though I know that's not what you're after right now.
I still felt lonely, still wanted companionship, but was in an even worse situation. Now, I know these things affect people differently, all I'm saying is keep an eye on yourself, treat your meds as a short term solution and if you start to feel even worse in time, consider stopping the meds - there was no-one back then to advise me of this stuff, so I was on my own in a very dark and bad place!
Take extreme care with yourself my friend.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

all I'm saying is keep an eye on yourself, treat your meds as a short term solution and if you start to feel even worse in time, consider stopping the meds - there was no-one back then to advise me of this stuff, so I was on my own in a very dark and bad place!

Duly noted, but the antidepressants (venlaflaxine) has probably been effective in somewhat reducing the depression (when it was there), I wouldn't risk coming off them as bad things eventually mannaged to happen on both occassions (though this may have had nothing to do with the tablets, but they certainly do more good than harm). The other tablet which I think may be reducing the libido is 'dutasteride', but I'm glad it's doing that because it's helping me regain the control that I lost a few years ago when the anxiety and depression began. I spent most of my life not wanting or needing love and if I can feel seetled doing that again then thats what I'll gladly aim for.

 

[Jono]

If you’re a guy who can relate to this in any way then by all means chime in, tell me about your story or advise me.
Women’s comments, questions or advice is still welcome too. I apologize for the length of this otherwise abridged article/question.

To me, looking through an online dating catalog of women is almost as pointless as looking at a porno site, you’re looking at things you can never have and are partially conflicted about wanting in the first place. You look at each profile and it might as well be a fantasy to hope for anything and this is part of the danger, especially when you see someone so perfect physically or in terms of having many shared interests.
I’m still in many ways a 17yr old or younger in my mind even though parts of it are adult. I can’t really laugh or joke with someone or even do general banter (unless there’s a specific subject to discuss).
If you imagine a much less annoying Sheldon cooper (from big bang theory, because like him I have aspergers) in a realistic world where the likes of Penny is naturally never gonna associate with the likes of him and his group of friends, then in some ways (not all) I’d kinda resemble his perceived awkwardness around women and it’d also be similar to his relationship with his girlfriend Amy (though I have additional problems he does not).
I just want and need the feelings to go away (the romantic and the sexual), I need the pressure taken off of me to have what I do not have and want what I’m lead to believe (in a biological and instinctive way I guess) that I need. This all escalated in the face of the coming of so many irreversible problems and so long as it remains, so too does the dependence, but if the feelings were removed then so would the partially correct assumption it’d bring the happiness it never could (not even if I did get a girlfriend I actually considered to be good looking, even though in many ways it would make things better for the time being). I need to stop wanting people to care enough to want to try and advise or offer sympathy or to even criticize me for not wanting a relationship (I don’t get this often, but I liked it and I shouldn’t have, so now I’m practically asking for it in my mind even though overall understandably almost no-none really cares).
Trying for a girlfriend (through the more likely but never the less impossible means of online dating over anything face to face) is just cruel towards me and makes me lose my self-respect when I’m immediately or eventually rejected (through all those annoying delays and various other things you'll get once those few have responded to you) and more seriously it contributes slightly to my ongoing anxiety and on/off depression (a few years ago it triggered a horrible break-down in which seeing the temptations and starting to feel dependence on them caused me to to abandon my recently ordered food in McDonalds and run out of the town-center to the nearest private place, a field, to collapse for 20mins and burst into tears).
I mustn’t be allowed to purposely look at or feel anything for a girls (breasts, thighs, butt etc) nor acknowledge any beauty in her face or imagine anything happening with her and most importantly I need to not to have a problem with this nor with knowing that a girl will never truely care about me (just like it used to be, except it was encouraged by myself back then and wasn’t a requirement as it seems to be now). Love and any sexual feelings are just dangerous for me (always have been, not that I always realised) but these days my willpower isn’t enough because of this irreversible situation I’m in as of these last 4 or so years (too long to go into). It’s annoying that your own so-called natural feelings/tendencies could create such a problem for you, especially as I’ve been in conflict with love/sexual feelings since I was a child (though normally I managed to reject and suppress romantic tendencies).

I’ve deleted my online dating profile and with it all current contacts I was partially engaged in conversations with and any further unattainable temptation. My internet content filter has been reactivated along with the additional custom blocks I’d previously had in place. Henceforth I’ll ensure I go back (when chance unfortunately presents itself) to no longer trying to socialize with any women and all communication is either on a professional or polite response basis only (so basically there’ll be no joking around with any of them or complimenting them etc in my day to day job and I’ll try once more rejoicing in being seemingly socially unresponsive/awkward rather than trying to engage with them (used to be this way prior to about 4yrs ago, but no effort was required).
The problems I’m gonna face however is seeing them on a daily basis (I basically work/call on a variety of supermarkets around the county where I’ll see plenty of women of all desirable shapes and sizes all the time, couples engaging with one and other and also the fact that I work around magazines a lot (avoiding looking at the lads mags is easy, but there’s too many womens mags dealing with 'bodies' and relationships) and finally there's fiction (soap operas and films all portraying these situations I finally understand why I could never be a part of, the one’s that give that false hope and the very scenarios to base your pathetic fantasies around). This is why I need to be made or assisted in becoming emotionally unreceptive to them because the temptation is always going to be there in front of me and after time I almost forget what I’m supposed to do or not do and potentially fall into this trap of trying once again (or sometimes the temptation might just be too much even when I don't forget). There’s a lot more that I should’ve written down when I was thinking for the first time about it, but basically what I need is help from the councillor and any guys who can just relate to this or anyone with any advice, but moreover I need to try and go about getting ‘anaphrodisiacs’ (basically for the uninformed, these are the kinda drugs/tablets that kill the libido and could perhaps prevent me from thinking and feeling about these things so that I can avoid more shame, humiliation, anxiety and potential depression). This’ll ultimately stop me from deluding myself into thinking that if I stop this, try that, ask for this etc that there’s somehow a way I can defy my preset limitations and that women will abandon their rightful (if somewhat harsh) standards to accept me as their otherwise pitiful excuse for a boyfriend.

I think on the rare occasions anyone innocently asks if I’m married, have a girlfriend or kids (without somehow realizing that it should really be a self-explanatory- of course not!, before actually asking this) that I’ll just answer with- “sadly no, I’ve got aspergers syndrome so that’s not possible” (most don’t even know what aspergers is, so it’s likely this’d be accepted without question anyway). This is in spite of the fact that some or many guys with aspergers have managed to get relationships, and without online dating for some too (how I don’t know, but I think aspergers is such a broad range of symptoms compared to so many other medical conditions that I’m just one such rarer variation of something which otherwise need not be thought of as a negative). Though I shouldn’t and don’t think of my many shortcomings as a bad thing, aspie guys who didn’t have to settle for someone ugly with lower standards, or get a girlfriend out of pity or lie to get them etc, should feel very pleased with themselves and happy they’re not as incapable as me.

This is the same thread that you posted on Wrongplanet. I know exactly how you feel because I've never really had a girlfriend either except for the when I was dating someone in 2011 who I never really got to spend time with because of long distance. I've been lonely as well, but you've got nothing to lose if you keep trying to find someone. Worst case scenario is that you won't find someone but that's no different to what will happen if you give up on it altogether.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

This is the same thread that you posted on Wrongplanet. I know exactly how you feel because I've never really had a girlfriend either except for the when I was dating someone in 2011 who I never really got to spend time with because of long distance. I've been lonely as well, but you've got nothing to lose if you keep trying to find someone. Worst case scenario is that you won't find someone but that's no different to what will happen if you give up on it altogether.

This forum's the best aspie one, but yer wrongplanet's another good one too so normally I post the same questions there.
Well there is something to lose, self-respect and dignity for trying so many times and failing too many, eventually you can just feel that even a success is bittersweet by the end of it. But my only 'relationship', if you'd call it that' was a sham, so whilst it's not the same as your previous one, I can relate to it being in the past and not one that really worked out.

 

[Spiller]

This forum's the best aspie one, but yer wrongplanet's another good one too so normally I post the same questions there.
Well there is something to lose, self-respect and dignity for trying so many times and failing too many, eventually you can just feel that even a success is bittersweet by the end of it. But my only 'relationship', if you'd call it that' was a sham, so whilst it's not the same as your previous one, I can relate to it being in the past and not one that really worked out.

THAG, my 23year marriage felt like a sham - but it was still a relationship and all relationships are learning experiences preparing us better for the next, I guess.
Bad as you feel right now, Jono's right - take a break, sure, till you're ready again, but giving up achieves nothing.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

THAG, my 23year marriage felt like a sham - but it was still a relationship and all relationships are learning experiences preparing us better for the next, I guess.
Bad as you feel right now, Jono's right - take a break, sure, till you're ready again, but giving up achieves nothing.

Bummer, 23yrs marriage and nothing but a financial slap in the face at the end of it huh

 

[Spiller]

Hey The_Hopeless_Aspie_Guy, wondering if you're still around.. how are things working out for you?

Did you try the international dating sites?

Was the avodart (dutasteride) medication effective for you?

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Hey The_Hopeless_Aspie_Guy, wondering if you're still around.. how are things working out for you?

Did you try the international dating sites?

Was the avodart (dutasteride) medication effective for you?

As far as the dating/socialising goes, check out this ignored thread for an almost up-to-date answer. Following this I'm arranging a group meetup and two girls I was interested in will be in that large group.

As for avodart, I forgot I mentioned it's sexually numbing properties as a potential side effect along side the main reason I was taking it, but no they were not suppressing any desires.

 

[oleranchhand]

I concur that relationships are too dangerous even to the point of thinking about just never again. Uhm I don't want to be alone but Women seem rough

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

I concur that relationships are too dangerous even to the point of thinking about just never again. Uhm I don't want to be alone but Women seem rough

What I have learnt is that love is (at least for me) human nature, in my case I can never get rid of it (much as I'd normally love to) but I can oppose it (with varying degrees of success). Love will ambush you and self righteously impose itself on you when you're at your most vulnerable and may not give a damn that you'll come out of every attempt worse than you started (if just by a little). The best you can do is learn from every situation (perhaps record what you learn) and try to genuinely remind yourself that there are such things as friends (not to mention a myriad of other passtimes) which could quite easily and quite often negate the need for love to exist in the foreground in any shape or form. There are never any ABSOLUTE answers, but the reality (as I see it) is that if you were meant to have a girlfriend, then you'd have had one by now (this is what I say to myself, not you specifically) and should in fact have had a few since long ago (evidence is either there in the past, or not there in your life at all). Perhaps you should try exploiting opportunities to make friends, just dont set your sights too high and be impressed when occasionally they're exceeded. Love is not for everyone, but it can take forever to ever know if it's for you (despite the optimists insisting otherwise).

 

[wyverary]

Reading through this thread, it seems ripe to be an open invitation for PUA or outright misogynistic tendencies to emerge, which we simply cannot have on this forum. I am going to leave it open for the time being to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But please think very carefully before you post, whatever gender you may be and whatever gender your post may be about.

 

[oleranchhand]

Hey so I agree totally. I end up being a slave. It did get dangerous for me actually.

 

[wyverary]

But in the end, I was able to do the impossible and succeeded in reverting the 'foreign' part within me (love) back to a harmless state, a 10yr olds vision and feelings of love (me as a 10yr old, which is to say- weak and non existent love). I am the beacon of hope only for those who would seek to be able to disconnect themselves from love semi-permanently, if anyone ever wants to know then just ask for more details as this is no mere bulls*it!!

I have absolutely no idea what you mean by this.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

I have absolutely no idea what you mean by this.

To be fair, neither do I (moreover, I did understand but cant be bothered to try rewording it), so it's been deleted by me. Well actually it was to get the conversation away from anything seemingly misogynistic as I don't want the thread deleted (even though the original question isn't relevant any more). I just like seeing comments etc added to it months later even though I've done nothing to B.U.M.P it etc, but there are some interesting statements/experiences being reported by others on this topic, so thats what I like reading.

 

[Judge]

Hmmm. I don't feel like any "beacon of hope" myself. Just someone who has reconciled themselves to the likelihood of being alone in this world until I leave it.

Self-awareness may keep me out of trouble more so now than in the past, but I don't see any romances blooming on my horizon. Sometimes it just happens that way. Then again, cosmically perhaps it was supposed to. There must be some sort of lesson to learn in being so alone for so long.