Why non-verbal?

[boymom247]

I've done some research and have come across a few answers, but I'd love to hear from you..
My 3 year old son is non-verbal. Though he still speaks... He recited his ABC's, phonetics, counts backwards, labels colors and lots of other random things, but he won't talk TO anyone. No meaningful conversations, no responses to questions, no conveying wants or needs (verbally), etc. My question is, WHY won't he speak to me or anyone else?

 

[Outdated]

It's a very difficult question to answer because all of us are different, and the answer is probably a conglomeration of many different things.

I started going non-verbal at school when I was 5 and 6 but was talkative enough outside of school. I was being bullied by the other kids at school and I didn't like my teachers either. I didn't want to be there and often didn't go. Both parents worked so not going to school was pretty easy.

Many of us also take a lot longer than normal to process spoken words in to meaningful thoughts, and vice versa. I'm a very good communicator in a face to face situation, but I rely on lip reading and body language and hand gestures to help convey meaning and respond quickly and intelligently. Over the phone it's like I can only hear every second or third word and I have to keep asking people to repeat themselves. This is a very common autistic trait and your son might just find that speaking is too much hard work.

 

[SusanLR]

At 3 years old I was very good with learning also.
I wasn't non-verbal except for when I wanted to be.
And that was around most everyone else except my parents and grandmother.

I don't know how a total non-verbal thinks, but for me it was because I had already started not wanting to socialize.
If they weren't family, I didn't want them in the house or care for interacting with others. I was five before I would speak to those outside my immediate family.

Maybe a child psychologist that specializes in autism would have more answers and understanding on that subject.

 

[Rodafina]

He’s so little and the world is full sensory input. Life is already pretty tough for any toddler, and for a little one who has language processing issues, it makes sense to me that verbal language is not the preferred method of communication at this stage. Maybe he will learn to use words better, maybe he won’t. It sounds like he does communicate and he can use his voice, so perhaps he is still just figuring things out.

I think it’s important for a little one in his situation to not constantly be hearing directly or indirectly that he should speak. As he goes through these early stages of life having a different neurology than those around him, it will be so important for him to not feel like he is always doing something wrong. And to clarify, I am not trying to suggest that you are doing anything wrong. It’s just that we live in a speaking world and some of us are not inclined to speak so much.

There can be huge amounts of anxiety associated with autism and this can make it difficult to form coherent words and use them to communicate with others. There is also the chance that he is still learning, just in his own way. He may still develop the skills to interact with you verbally as he gets older. I would recommend that you focus on nonverbal communication and follow his lead in ways that he seems able to express himself best.

 

[Outdated]

I thought you might find this story interesting. An autistic boy that started speaking for the first time at age 16. When he did start speaking it turned out that he had taught himself 32 languages.

https://education.nsw.gov.au/news/l...erges-as-an-advocate-from-a-cocoon-of-silence

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I've done some research and have come across a few answers, but I'd love to hear from you..
My 3 year old son is non-verbal. Though he still speaks... He recited his ABC's, phonetics, counts backwards, labels colors and lots of other random things, but he won't talk TO anyone. No meaningful conversations, no responses to questions, no conveying wants or needs (verbally), etc. My question is, WHY won't he speak to me or anyone else?

Interesting. I find myself sometimes struggling with this same issue. I can talk for days about an interest or passion but when it comes to 'in the moment' or my needs, I...cannot.

 

[Progster]

From what I understand, being non-verbal could be related to cognitive difficulties or slow processing, or some kind of neurological impairment, or sensory processing difficulties.
Another cause is selective mutism. This is anxiety-related, and often related to the environment or a bad experience - bullying at school, for example. So if the cause is selective mutism, try to see what could be the cause, what could be causing, or have caused, anxiety. Try, as far as possible, to make sure the child is kept in a calm environment.
Either way, (not saying that you don't, just general suggestions) you can help by showing patience and understanding, and never assume that because they don't speak, it means that they didn't hear or understand what you said. Don't change the way you relate to the person in any way. Talk to them, not about them.

Sometimes, children can find speaking too direct and might need a medium through which to communicate. I've heard of non-verbal children start to communicate through a pet or a video camera, or through Thomas the Tank Engine, or whatever it is they are into. Or by talking on a phone even, something that allows them to communicate, but is not too direct and overwhelming for them.

One cause of my not being able to speak on a few occasions is being overwhelmed or overloaded by a situation, or environment.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Interesting. I find myself sometimes struggling with this same issue. I can talk for days about an interest or passion but when it comes to 'in the moment' or my needs, I...cannot.

I can relate to this. I think part of it is is how logical certain questions or statements seem. Sometimes a person says something that's just wrong or contradictory to me, so I freeze up. I can't respond because their view is false. They tend to interpret this as agreement, shyness, or stupidity. But, it's really just disagreement and realizing it would take too much effort to explain why I disagree.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I can relate to this. I think part of it is is how logical certain questions or statements seem. Sometimes a person says something that's just wrong or contradictory to me, so I freeze up. I can't respond because their view is false. They tend to interpret this as agreement, shyness, or stupidity. But, it's really just disagreement and realizing it would take too much effort to explain why I disagree.

Aaaahh, yes! Sometimes it takes too much energy to formulate my thoughts and I don't know how to best arrange them, and then I've got to think of other things like tone of voice and how loudly to speak. Golly I never knew it'd be this complicated til I got back into the retail....

 

[Misty Avich]

I could never understand how an intelligent autistic person can be non-verbal. I mean, I do respect them and all that and I don't ignorantly expect them to talk, but I mean I never understand how a person who presumably knows how to talk doesn't say the words with their tongue and vocal cords. Like they can easily type out a word on a keyboard thing, even just "yes" or "no", but they can't just say it. Does their autism make them unable to move their tongue and lips to vocalise words? Or is it extreme shyness even with their own family?

I'm not invalidating or criticising non-verbal autistic people, it's just that I've never been non-verbal before so I don't know what it's like to have that barrier that stops you from vocalising your words. I've had a bit of selective mutism before when I was younger but that was just shyness in an unfamiliar place with people I didn't know well, but I chose to be mute because I was shy, not because I suddenly didn't know how to talk.

Educate me. I'd like to know what it's like living as a non-verbal autistic person but with average/high IQ.

 

[boymom247]

It's a very difficult question to answer because all of us are different, and the answer is probably a conglomeration of many different things.

I started going non-verbal at school when I was 5 and 6 but was talkative enough outside of school. I was being bullied by the other kids at school and I didn't like my teachers either. I didn't want to be there and often didn't go. Both parents worked so not going to school was pretty easy.

Many of us also take a lot longer than normal to process spoken words in to meaningful thoughts, and vice versa. I'm a very good communicator in a face to face situation, but I rely on lip reading and body language and hand gestures to help convey meaning and respond quickly and intelligently. Over the phone it's like I can only hear every second or third word and I have to keep asking people to repeat themselves. This is a very common autistic trait and your son might just find that speaking is too much hard work.

That's so interesting, I can somewhat relate, but I'm the opposite. I sometimes freeze up in person, but am more comfortable over the phone, and most comfortable in writing. I have often wished I could just communicate through writing.
But this brings to light a different aspect I will watch out for. If he starts speaking, but then goes quiet again, I'll know this can be an indicator something is bothering him.

 

[Rodafina]

@boymom247
I just wanted to recognize the tough job you have as a mother. trying so hard to raise your little one well. Reciprocal spoken language is very important to some people and I can understand how perhaps, more than anything, you just want to speak with your son like you see other parents doing.

I appreciate that you are here and trying to learn perspectives from us in addition to the research you have done.

Stick with him and keep up the hard work that you are doing. As you said, he seems to understand, and I think in time he will find ways to express himself better to you that reflect a close bond. Hang in there mama!

 

[boymom247]

At 3 years old I was very good with learning also.
I wasn't non-verbal except for when I wanted to be.
And that was around most everyone else except my parents and grandmother.

I don't know how a total non-verbal thinks, but for me it was because I had already started not wanting to socialize.
If they weren't family, I didn't want them in the house or care for interacting with others. I was five before I would speak to those outside my immediate family.

Maybe a child psychologist that specializes in autism would have more answers and understanding on that subject.

I do know that my son is very comfortable at home and has little tolerance for any other place so I would expect that if he chooses to speak, it will start in the home. He starts speech therapy this Thursday, and sees a psychologist tomorrow so it's a big week!! Hopefully I will know how to better help him soon!!

 

[boymom247]

@boymom247
I just wanted to recognize the tough job you have as a mother. trying so hard to raise your little one well. Reciprocal spoken language is very important to some people and I can understand how perhaps, more than anything, you just want to speak with your son like you see other parents doing.

I appreciate that you are here and trying to learn perspectives from us in addition to the research you have done.

Stick with him and keep up the hard work that you are doing. As you said, he seems to understand, and I think in time he will find ways to express himself better to you that reflect a close bond. Hang in there mama!

Thank you for that!! My concern has a bit more urgency to it now that he is fast approaching school age. Right now he is in a wonderful preschool specifically for gifted kids like him, so I feel comfortable with that, but the thought of him going into public schools and not being able to tell me what's going on, or if something happens that he doesn't like.. that thought terrifies me..

 

[Mary Terry]

Everyone is different but always remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel of raising a profoundly autistic child.

My nephew is 32 years old, diagnosed with autism about age 2, and cannot "volunteer" words. I don't what else to call it. He knows words and what they mean but he cannot just pull them out of his brain, string them together in a sentence, or voluntarily use them to express himself. He can ace true/false and multiple-choice written questions, but he can't do fill-in-the-blank tests without a list of potential words to fill in the blanks. He cannot write an essay as is required to get his GED.

He expressed himself with echolalia when he was young, and he still does that to some extent now. He has always been able to perfectly mimic the voices and recite verbatim the dialogue of Sesame Street characters and the Muppets. When he was young, I realized that he would recite dialogues from the Muppets to answer questions and to express emotions that he was feeling. I think he is so smart that he figured out to communicate that way because he cannot just voluntarily speak words or sentences. He sometimes sings hymns at church in the voices of various Muppets. He is confused by pronouns, not understanding when to use her, him, she, he, they, mine, our, yours, you, etc. For example, I recently asked him "when is your birthday?" He looked confused and pointed at me, like asking me if I was asking him when is MY birthday, and I had to point at him as say, no, when is YOUR birthday, not MY birthday. He then understood and told me the day, day of the week, the year and the exact time of day he was born. I suppose he's seen his birth certificate at some point.

I think he has some disconnection in his brain when it comes to processing language. But despite those problems, he is a most wonderful person and companion, and he knows that I don't care if he speaks or not. We have always been able to communicate sufficiently to do most things although our type of communication is very different from other people's. I love him dearly just as he is.

With patience and loving support, your son will find his voice, whatever it may be, one of these days.

 

[Wolfnox]

Can only speak for me. But, I was happy enough not speaking and just watching people.
Words didn’t hold much significance for me.
Mommy was mommy. Daddy was daddy. Grandmother was grandmother.
Nothing more was needed to be known than that. It was all I needed to know. Speech was a secondary task. Something I just did because they asked. Not because I needed to speak.

 

[CountryGirl]

i didnt start speaking until i was 8 and wasnt articulate until i was 11
i was probably the worlds silentest child because i never screamed or had meltdowns either.only cried if i hurt myself but not for long
i wasnt diagnosed with autism until i was 12 tho because it was the 1970s and i didnt exactly show the stereotypical autism signs and they thought i was just backward which i guess i was but it was autism not the r word they used

 

[boymom247]

He’s so little and the world is full sensory input. Life is already pretty tough for any toddler, and for a little one who has language processing issues, it makes sense to me that verbal language is not the preferred method of communication at this stage. Maybe he will learn to use words better, maybe he won’t. It sounds like he does communicate and he can use his voice, so perhaps he is still just figuring things out.

I think it’s important for a little one in his situation to not constantly be hearing directly or indirectly that he should speak. As he goes through these early stages of life having a different neurology than those around him, it will be so important for him to not feel like he is always doing something wrong. And to clarify, I am not trying to suggest that you are doing anything wrong. It’s just that we live in a speaking world and some of us are not inclined to speak so much.

There can be huge amounts of anxiety associated with autism and this can make it difficult to form coherent words and use them to communicate with others. There is also the chance that he is still learning, just in his own way. He may still develop the skills to interact with you verbally as he gets older. I would recommend that you focus on nonverbal communication and follow his lead in ways that he seems able to express himself best.

You are absolutely right about not saying, directly or indirectly, that he should speak. That thought didn't occur to my husband or I at first, when we would talk about our concerns in his presence. Though he was practically a baby at the time, so I'm grateful he won't remember, but we realized around the age of 2 when he understood the word "no" that he could very well understand more, so we stopped talking about him and our concerns. Nothing was ever said in a critical way, nor have we ever felt that way towards him or anything he does. But we don't know how he would perceive worry.
The worry I'm referring to is the realization that he is fast approaching school age and we are scared to death to put him in a school when he can't tell us what's happening when we aren't around.
We are starting speech therapy tomorrow. I'm very much looking forward to seeing how this may help my little guy find his preferred means of communication, whether that be with flash cards, sign language or speaking.
Thank you for all the insight, this is so helpful!!

 

[TBRS1]

I have trouble with verbal communication - I can crank out vague platitudes on cue, and verbalize anything I can mentally rehearse, but communicating in real time, unrehearsed, or spontaneously responding to changing conversational ebb & flow causes anxiety and verbal sputtering.

I can write just fine, though.

I think (maybe?) this comes from a deeply embedded fear of screwing up, and appearing to be an idiot.

Maybe trying alternate forms of communication might help (?).

 

[boymom247]

i didnt start speaking until i was 8 and wasnt articulate until i was 11
i was probably the worlds silentest child because i never screamed or had meltdowns either.only cried if i hurt myself but not for long
i wasnt diagnosed with autism until i was 12 tho because it was the 1970s and i didnt exactly show the stereotypical autism signs and they thought i was just backward which i guess i was but it was autism not the r word they used

Oh man I hate how that must have made you feel as a child!! ... What got you to start speaking?