Why would a man use a lot of innuendo?

[Hypnalis]

Hi Primrose

Definitely the best plan if you're comfortable with it

IMO the use of relatively subtle innuendo is a good indicator that you'll get a soft apology ("sorry, I didn't realize you interpreted it that way" /lol)) but that he'll stop doing it, so I'd expect a quick win for you.

 

[Aspychata]

Or just ignore him. He will try harder if he truly wants something. Inaction is usually best. Because then they doubt themselves. I am not saying l have any experience, it's just that life kinda of forced it's self on me.

 

[Knit Hat]

I'd go with what @Aspychata observes. A guy being suggestive does that because he has been rewarded for that in the past. He sees you as a one dimensional person.

I have never been able to speak that way to woman, so perhaps there is something wrong with me too.

More like there's something right with you. What he's doing makes women uncomfortable and nervous. But then again, I'm speaking from my own perspective as a woman.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

More like there's something right with you. What he's doing makes women uncomfortable and nervous. But then again, I'm speaking from my own perspective as a woman.

@Knit Hat , but it is usually these self-involved guys that seem to get women to jump into bed with them when they take the bait. I knew one like that and both envied and hated him. Being an ethical person with interests and potential never got me that far for the longest time (far too long) to the point that I was going to give up on life, but finally a kind, accepting, woman noticed me.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

What other facts can I give? I barely know him.

I was just commenting on the rest of use commenting.

 

[Aspychata]

I was just commenting on the rest of use commenting.

That's what l thought too. It was a general comment.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Based on what has been said so far, crude, not so subtle flirting.

 

[Jordy]

One would think so. However the man may be projecting the perception of a threat to his masculinity. What is the threat? In that particular venue, you may be such a threat to him in his own mind.

Your mere existence in such circumstances could represent a kind of emasculation to him personally. Even while you have done nothing wrong. That his perceived "defense" is to express sexually offensive humor to reestablish himself. Again, in his own mind and no other. While humor can be an "ice-breaker" in courtship, it can also be a way to put people down in an attempt to manipulate them. Nothing wrong with one's sense of humor, provided it's not used in such a manipulative fashion.

Personally I can't imagine attempting to break the ice with someone new by speaking to them in such a manner.
However it's still important to understand that not all men generically act in such a way. Though from my own observation over the years, many do. Sad to find an article backing it all up:

https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/why-men-tell-offensive-jokes-sexist-jokes

This seems extremely far fetched

 

[Fino]

There's always the possibility that he's just an idiot.

 

[Judge]

This seems extremely far fetched

To me it's just another manifestation of a defense mechanism intended to appear as bravado at the expense of another. In simpler terms, some egos are more fragile than others. Nothing most of us haven't seen before at one time or another.

 

[Slime_Punk]

This seems extremely far fetched

Not really. People like that often seem to be dealing with personality disorders, trauma, or a combination of the two. It's almost like the only way they can relate to people is through sexual dialog, but they don't seem to understand that it creeps everybody out (including other men, who are sometimes too afraid to say anything or threaten them).

A lot of these guys choose a very weak-willed spouse who will let them get away with this type of behavior, too. Try to challenge somebody like that and they'll literally throw a tantrum, like the baby they are. I've known far too many guys like this and it's one of the best definitions of toxic masculinity. They can't even see what they're doing.

 

[Aspychata]

Not really. People like that often seem to be dealing with personality disorders, trauma, or a combination of the two. It's almost like the only way they can relate to people is through sexual dialog, but they don't seem to understand that it creeps everybody out (including other men, who are sometimes too afraid to say anything or threaten them).

A lot of these guys choose a very weak-willed spouse who will let them get away with this type of behavior, too. Try to challenge somebody like that and they'll literally throw a tantrum, like the baby they are. I've known far too many guys like this and it's one of the best definitions of toxic masculinity. They can't even see what they're doing.

Sometimes sons see their father talking disrespectful and crude, and the sons follow right along with similar behavior, because they saw their dad do it.

 

[Primrose]

If I say nothing and ignore him he might go round making these jokes with other women too and them feel uncomfortable also.

If I tell him politely I don't like it maybe it will help him realise it's not a good way to talk to women.

He may not understand some women don't like this talk.

 

[Hypnalis]

Some comments about the various positions that are being presented that the guy is acting reasonably, but lacks communication skills.

ETA: this isn't a response to Primrose's post above - we were writing at the some time.
I agree with her post of course.,

A normal (no mental health issues) NT guy does not make sexual innuendos accidently. Once in one conversation perhaps, but in that case the protocol is to immediately make an indirect apology.

If it's repeated multiple times in one conversation, or across several conversations, it's 100% looking for casual sex.

In a mixed gym this is absolutely unacceptable behavior. Every guy who trains knows this. Every guy who does it must have practiced their "innuendo technique" so they don't get banned. Every guy who does it picks their targets carefully.

So this particular guy is either a creepy (but sneaky and practiced) predator (98% likely), mentally ill (1%) or some other kind of person best avoided (1%).

Primrose should 100% disengage. Fortunately she is comfortable handling this (so she wasn't a suitable target for the creep after all and it should end promptly,

I do understand the nature of the other interpretations: it seems weird, so you look for a rational explanation, and something comes up. But as I believe someone posted earlier - there's no reason to "over-think" this.
Regardless of your skills at reading emotions, the "heuristic" is simple:

If people act badly - deflect and disengage.
If they persist, respond directly and firmly - deter and disengage.
If they still persist, "nuke" them (remove their ability to act badly) - disable and disengage.
Then forget the whole thing - losers don't deserve space in your memory ... except for indirectly, in the form of improved techniques.

See my earlier post for tangible suggestions consistent with the heuristic, including contextualizing "nuke".

 

[Tom]

I think there are multiple possible explanations, but none is good. You could try the politely tell him to stop approach. That does actually work once in a while. Or bypass that and change the hours you work out so as not to see him, or if that is not possible change gyms.

 

[Judge]

I think there are multiple possible explanations, but none is good. You could try the politely tell him to stop approach. That does actually work once in a while. Or bypass that and change the hours you work out so as not to see him, or if that is not possible change gyms.

Yep. That's the short answer. Probably best to simply cease contact with such a person altogether.

Whatever their motives may be...which likely will never be honestly explained.

 

[Hypnalis]

Stay strong Primrose!!
It's hard to imagine a mixed gym not supporting you on this, but of course acting alone means you're visible.

If you truly have to leave, consider nuking the gym on the way out.

If you do, start by informally looking for others who have had the same problem. A good team is both stronger and safer than one individual or a disorganized rabble.

 

[Magna]

The toxic masculinity "pile-on" meter blipped into the red so I wanted to jump in and comment.

Speaking in generalities is only a problem when one purports that "all" people in a certain category think, feel, believe, etc the same.

Case in point: As evidenced in this very thread, not all women find innuendo amusing, alluring, etc and in fact some women find innuendo objectionable and offensive. Do all women find innuendo objectionable and offensive? Of course not and in fact we can assume that innuendo has been around for eons. Would it have such a longevity had it not been well received by at least a good number of women? Of course not.

Perhaps we (humans) would even be surprised at how often or by what number innuendo is actually well received by the women who are not offended by it. Think of comedy which is a reflection of life. Comedy is laden with innuendo. Would it be if only men thought it was funny and amusing? Of course not.

Take of poll of women who like the TV show "Friends". Joey is a beloved character on the show. My wife says Joey is her favorite character out of the three male lead characters. I know other women who say the same and the character Joey is based largely in innuendo. The "loveable cad" isn't new.

My point in all of this: Let's not label or place all blame squarely on men who use innuendo as being "the" problem. If innuendo had fallen flat eons ago and had been roundly rejected by many/most women, it wouldn't be around now. Takes two to tango. "Lemon out."

 

[hithere]

My take on it is I think he is only after a friend with benefit sort of relation and this is his first attempt to see if you are interested in that as well. This take is after a friend of mine has had that happen to her several times; it comes in real early in the conversations, and typical is those sort of jokes. He will most likely also have himself covered; if you corner him, use direct communication he will have a plan B-reply for that as well. If possible I would ignore him, that I think will work; show that you are above him, that just maybe you are not even interested in what he has to say, works better than if you corner him, that at least he has your attention and he knows he has made an impact. Someone who is genuinely taken by someone in the romantic sense do not make jokes like that, not in my opinion anyway.

 

[Jonn]

I recently got to know a new man at the gym. He's about 40. We never really talk to each other but he usually smiles at me and makes little sexual jokes.
The first one was very witty and I laughed. But since then I feel irritated. His jokes are quite subtle but I still get his meaning.

If he liked me surely he wouldn't talk like that?

He seems to be flirting with you.
Sexuality can make interpersonal relationships more interesting because it taps into human instincts.
There is often sexual tension (usually in a healthy way) between the sexes.
It doesn't have to go beyond flirtation.
It depends on the individuals involved.

His intention may simply be to flatter you.
If you don't like this sort of attention, I would advise you to tell him politely in private.