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Wife of man seeking autism diagnosis

VictorR said:
Welcome!

In regards to doing things... a common (but not necessarily universal) challenge for those on the spectrum is implied messages. Many benefit from and appreciate a direct communication style to avoid misunderstandings. For example, if you'd like a room vacuumed, ask for it - for if you ask for the vacuum cleaner to be brought there, there's a good chance that is exactly what you'll get.
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Thank you. This has happened multiple times..not with the vacuum cleaner but being taken literally! Early on in our marriage I thought he was just doing it to annoy me because I didn't know any different and neither did he. I always knew he thought differently to me, for instance whereas most people might say salt and pepper, he reverses it and it's pepper and salt but it didn't occur to me to send him to the doctors about it..
 
Rodafina said:
Hi Mrs. Mac. Stick around, ask, read. Hopefully you will learn and find peace. We like relationship mysteries.

I don’t mean to make light of your situation… Just saying, there are many interesting opinions here that you could take in to help figure this out.

What did you tell him he should do?
What was done?
Thank you.. there were many occasions when I wondered if there was something wrong with him but just thought it was me over reacting. He would totally ignore me for days on end and seemed to be only interested in work and TikTok.. The catalyst was the day after the Queen died. I lost my Mum last year and the Queens death upset me too. He said he was sorry and went back to his phone. I had asked him for the umpteenth time to please put his phone down for a bit so we could talk. He did but didn't say anything. I told him I felt isolated and he said he didn't love me anymore and had lost interest in me. I was devastated. The next day was my birthday and he was back to his normal self as though nothing had happened. I asked him why he said such awful things and he said he didn't know. He didn't know they were wrong until afterwards. I knew then that there was something very wrong and told him it was like living with an autistic child. ( I knew a little about how children could be awkward as my friend has an autistic daughter ) I then began to research autism and things started to make sense so I suggested he went to the doctors. The doctor gave him an AQ test and he scored 9 out of 10. I can assure you this is not a joke.. I can't understand why anyone would do that. He is going for a CT scan on his head today..
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Rodafina said:
Can someone please tell me if this is a joke or not?
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Okay. I understand more of this. We have a tendency to zone in and out of our interests. However relationships have different stages they can go through. Can you do new things together, this helps people bond. Next month, l am checking out Lebanese restaurant with a friend. We have never been to one before. We may do disc golf. We will play tennis, something we haven't done in awhile. It's important for him to just do one thing together with you, even if it's just cooking a simple meal together. This gets him away from his phone. I cooked a meal with a friend, l just loved standing by him, though he probably didn't like it. :)
 
@Mrs mac

There seems to be some odd formatting above, but assuming you write the part about the Queen's death, I have a comment that might provide a useful perspective. Or maybe not, but it's written now.

I feel something when people I care about die, but the details aren't the same as typical NT reactions.

I don't engage emotionally with any strangers, no matter how famous. So for someone like the Queen, I'd feel some regret (but TBH not all that much: she had a good run, and it was hardly a surprise). But it wouldn't trigger any emotional response.

On to the point - I quite dislike people expecting me to pretend to have strong feelings about the death of a famous stranger, no matter how nice or popular they were. The feelings just aren't there.
I know a lot of NTs like to share emotions, even "grief", but I'm an ND - I've never had an emotional discussion in my life (that's the literal truth BTW) .

That demand to show synthetic emotions makes me a lot less likely to provide actual emotional support to someone who has genuine and strong feelings. OTOH I have no trouble stepping up to a request for a supportive hug, and making dinner - you could see this as the "direct communication" guidance in action.

Clearly I can't speak for your husband, but for a long time I used to "turn away" from NT's getting emotional over something that meant little to me. Gaming was on my list of "displacement activities".

FWIW, these days I know what to do for this particular situation, , and I have a script.
With people I know it's a short, simple script.
With strangers, it's annoyingly complicated, because telling the truth is a faux pas. So I have an entirely false story that (a) makes them leave me alone, and (b) doesn't annoy them too much.
Of course it annoys me, but not so much, so it's an acceptable outcome.
 
“I had asked him for the umpteenth time to please put his phone down for a bit so we could talk. He did but didn't say anything. I told him I felt isolated and he said he didn't love me anymore and had lost interest in me. I was devastated.”

Wow, Mrs. Mac. Seems like this would take a lot of courage. Good for you for having this bravery.

Opening the door to conversation, and a discovery of autism later in life can be a very slow and grueling path in my experience, but it needs to start somewhere.

The joke I may, or may not be missing, is the thing about us accepting your application. It was funny if it was a joke, but I didn’t know if you were being serious.
 
Aspychata said:
Okay. I understand more of this. We have a tendency to zone in and out of our interests. However relationships have different stages they can go through. Can you do new things together, this helps people bond. Next month, l am checking out Lebanese restaurant with a friend. We have never been to one before. We may do disc golf. We will play tennis, something we haven't done in awhile. It's important for him to just do one thing together with you, even if it's just cooking a simple meal together. This gets him away from his phone. I cooked a meal with a friend, l just loved standing by him, though he probably didn't like it. :)
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Yes thank you! Excellent idea. He has no hobbies as such and doesn't really show any interest in anything but I think cooking would be good one because he does offer to peel potatoes or something from time to time..x
 
Hypnalis said:
@Mrs mac

There seems to be some odd formatting above, but assuming you write the part about the Queen's death, I have a comment that might provide a useful perspective. Or maybe not, but it's written now.

I feel something when people I care about die, but the details aren't the same as typical NT reactions.

I don't engage emotionally with any strangers, no matter how famous. So for someone like the Queen, I'd feel some regret (but TBH not all that much: she had a good run, and it was hardly a surprise). But it wouldn't trigger any emotional response.

On to the point - I quite dislike people expecting me to pretend to have strong feelings about the death of a famous stranger, no matter how nice or popular they were. The feelings just aren't there.
I know a lot of NTs like to share emotions, even "grief", but I'm an ND - I've never had an emotional discussion in my life (that's the literal truth BTW) .

That demand to show synthetic emotions makes me a lot less likely to provide actual emotional support to someone who has genuine and strong feelings. OTOH I have no trouble stepping up to a request for a supportive hug, and making dinner - you could see this as the "direct communication" guidance in action.

Clearly I can't speak for your husband, but for a long time I used to "turn away" from NT's getting emotional over something that meant little to me. Gaming was on my list of "displacement activities".

FWIW, these days I know what to do for this particular situation, , and I have a script.
With people I know it's a short, simple script.
With strangers, it's annoyingly complicated, because telling the truth is a faux pas. So I have an entirely false story that (a) makes them leave me alone, and (b) doesn't annoy them too much.
Of course it annoys me, but not so much, so it's an acceptable outcome.
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Thank you for your reply.. I have never expected OH to pretend anything.. given that at the time of the Queens death I had absolutely no idea that he might be autistic, I was surprised at his reply because it was as if he was saying sorry for treading on my toe! At no time did I expect him to weep and wail but I suppose tbh I expected just a little more emotion..having said that he rarely shows emotion over anything so I suppose looking back it was par for the course.
1
If I cry he doesn't comfort me, he sits and looks at me, even though he might be the reason I am crying in the first place.
 
Mrs mac said:
Yes thank you! Excellent idea. He has no hobbies as such and doesn't really show any interest in anything but I think cooking would be good one because he does offer to peel potatoes or something from time to time..x
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Just doing anything. Go for a walk at a scenic point. Go to a museum, they have free days, just call and ask. Volunteer at a food bank for a month. Basically, get him out of his comfort zone, and get him to experience something different for 15- 20 mins. He may soon look forward to this, but it may be a bit like pulling teeth at the beginning. Then get a consensus if he also enjoyed the outing. This opens up communication, and builds up passion. Seeing each other experiencing builds a connection to one another. My friend and l enjoy bookstores, coffee places. We went to miniature golf, but l changed my mind at the last minute. So we have to work with in our comfort zone also.

Now l have conversations of remember when we did this. Do you remember the rollercoaster ride at Bush Gardens. We talked about ziplining recently, but l am nervous about that. We did do a parasail off the coast of Maui as our first big date. Now l think back, what was l thinking? But it was pretty neat.
 
Rodafina said:
“I had asked him for the umpteenth time to please put his phone down for a bit so we could talk. He did but didn't say anything. I told him I felt isolated and he said he didn't love me anymore and had lost interest in me. I was devastated.”

Wow, Mrs. Mac. Seems like this would take a lot of courage. Good for you for having this bravery.

Opening the door to conversation, and a discovery of autism later in life can be a very slow and grueling path in my experience, but it needs to start somewhere.

The joke I may, or may not be missing, is the thing about us accepting your application. It was funny if it was a joke, but I didn’t know if you were being serious.
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Um well actually I thought I was being polite! If I amused you that's great too, always happy to oblige!!
 
Aspychata said:
Just doing anything. Go for a walk at a scenic point. Go to a museum, they have free days, just call and ask. Volunteer at a food bank for a month. Basically, get him out of his comfort zone, and get him to experience something different for 15- 20 mins. He may soon look forward to this, but it may be a bit like pulling teeth at the beginning. Then get a consensus if he also enjoyed the outing. This opens up communication, and builds up passion. Seeing each other experiencing builds a connection to one another. My friend and l enjoy bookstores, coffee places. We went to miniature golf, but l changed my mind at the last minute. So we have to work with in our comfort zone also.
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Lots of great ideas there.. I'll see what I can sort out .. thank you..x
 
Mrs mac said:
Thank you so much for all of your replies.. I will try and answer all of you who have asked direct questions. I normally go to bed st 9pm because I get up early in the morning as does my husband, so apologies for not coming back to you last night..x
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No big deal, you di this forum on your time. You don't need to apologize.
 
Thank you to everyone who has chatted with me. A quick update: OH has had his head scan today and now we wait. I am convinced he is on the spectrum and it has helped me a lot thinking that way. I am now able to make allowances for him, butmost importantly he is teaching me how his brain works differently. I am a willing pupil and will do anything I can to help and support him.
Another major breakthrough.. he has deleted TikTok. It was completely his choice, he said it was bringing him down. Today we went out for a nice lunch and then to a garden centre.
 
Mrs mac said:
I am a willing pupil
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Beautiful!
1665779984545.jpeg
 
Welcome to the forums, Mrs. Mac! Feel free to explore and learn, and grow from what we have earned about ourselves and others. (-:
And you don't have to reply to every comment. (-:
 
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