Winning an Aspie back

[Keigan]

I'm thinking of writing him a letter. Keep it brief and concise.

For instance, acknowledge my mistakes and apologize for them. And mention how I want things to be different for BOTH our sake (e.g. we both were afraid to mention we wanted alone time).

Do you think he'll be appreciative of that? Or will he hate me/withdraw further?

Only you could answer that question.

A conversation can be calmer though it could also imply more response now, easy to set expectations.

A note is physical evidence of the mistakes and failure, from a recognition and acknowledgement without lay blame it is hard evidence.

A note can be digested as your partner is ready, a conversation gives participation and interpretation feedback which can be used to help steer the acceptance and intent.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Its tough for me when I feel like I am being labeled, or categorized. I already know Im a mess and dont need to be reminded of it.

My simple suggestion is learn all you want, but don't make him an object that has to be fixed to your standards.

My wife (beautiful, sexy, dominate NT) has decided after all these years she cant change the way I think or act. I now have a choice, change and be this romantic NT person or else... Instead of becoming supportive, she be became bitter, hateful, and cruel... She is now thinking of ending it. I won't stop her, because I did change as much as I could, and I faked what I couldn't change (for her) and it became too exhausting.

I statred having massive panic attacks and severe depression. I never hid anything from her, she has known this all along and then I was diagnosed along after we were married... I cant hide some of it (mild Tourettes, SPD, OCD)... Those things cant hide, they are there and in my face all day.

Just be LOGICAL thats what we (I) understand, of course I only speak as something for you to compare to.
My words my mean nothing, but look down the road... If you are expecting huge changes, this might save both of you a lot of heartache. : )

It was only when an Aspie friend pointed it out to me that I realized many of the symptoms applied to him. I was on the verge of giving up on him, but somehow knowing his AS only renewed my determination to keep going.

He may or may not know that he has AS. But gah, I have no intention to spring that on him! My desire is to make him feel less anxious around me, and hopefully rekindle the relationship.

Like you said, he's not going to change. Not only do I have to accept, I have to love him for who he is. Knowing about his potential AS helps me understand him better, which in turn, makes me believe all the more strongly that we can make this work, if only he would let me.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Only you could answer that question.

A conversation can be calmer though it could also imply more response now, easy to set expectations.

A note is physical evidence of the mistakes and failure, from a recognition and acknowledgement without lay blame it is hard evidence.

A note can be digested as your partner is ready, a conversation gives participation and interpretation feedback which can be used to help steer the acceptance and intent.

That makes sense, thank you for that perspective.

Another Aspie said that Aspies don't like being put on the spot, which is why I thought that face-to-face interactions might be more stressful since there's that element of uncertainty for him...

 

[Keigan]

That makes sense, thank you for that perspective.

Another Aspie said that Aspies don't like being put on the spot, which is why I thought that face-to-face interactions might be more stressful since there's that element of uncertainty for him...

Right, so set an agenda for your conversation and communicate that for consensus, then hold the conversation at a later date.

 

[Keigan]

Right, so set an agenda for your conversation and communicate that for consensus, then hold the conversation at a later date.

Hate to be so formal but it is:
- say what you want to talk about
- talk about
- say what you talked about

All within reason.

 

[Chance]

It was only when an Aspie friend pointed it out to me that I realized many of the symptoms applied to him. I was on the verge of giving up on him, but somehow knowing his AS only renewed my determination to keep going.

He may or may not know that he has AS. But gah, I have no intention to spring that on him! My desire is to make him feel less anxious around me, and hopefully rekindle the relationship.

Like you said, he's not going to change. Not only do I have to accept, I have to love him for who he is. Knowing about his potential AS helps me understand him better, which in turn, makes me believe all the more strongly that we can make this work, if only he would let me.

I cant ever speak for him or anyone else... but I have some serious trust issues.

Not in the mood to even talk about it much, but when you struggle every waking minute to cope with surroundings that are loud, smell weird, sometimes blurry, and your mind is in overdrive trying to sort it all out as just more and more and more floods in... And then your told your a f------ retard, or that your stupid, or hated, or weird, or stubborn, or countless other things... it more than hurts.

If you ever get back with him, please be kind to him, even if your pissed off at him...

When I was abandoned as a kid, maybe I lost trust in people. I do trust but it takes me a while, but crush me and you have hurt me in ways that cant be comprehended. I will forgive you, but I will forget you ever existed. I hope he hasn't went there...

I wish you all the luck with this guy. Yet, of all people I know how hard it is on an NT also. My wife has to deal with stuff from me, that never even comes across her normal radar. I get that, and it makes me feel really bad, because I notice the troubles I cause her, and I have no way to just switch this stuff off.

We are both intelligent people, but most times its like we are from 2 different universes.
I wish I could give you all this hope... but just look at the internet on NT vs Aspie stuff...
Its everywhere, and its mostly all in favor of the NT mindset, hell bent on fixing us.

You cant fix what isn't broken. Instead we are labeled, categorized, medicated, labeled as diseased, or disabled (neither apply to me). We are made to feel inferior, when many times we have IQ's that surpass the "expert" a-- hole that just evaluated us...

Thats a messed up world

I wish you luck and I admire that your doing this. : )

 

[xudo]

I'm hoping to understand from the perspective of others who have Aspie, how that might be possible, i.e. what would re-attract them to an ex.

Many people on this forum have never had a relationship, so no help there. As for those of us who have had or are in relationships, we do not know your ex or anything about him. All Aspies are different, so the best person you could speak to is, as @Bolletje said, your ex.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Hate to be so formal but it is:
- say what you want to talk about
- talk about
- say what you talked about

All within reason.

I actually like that. The structure helps me.

He avoids confrontation, so I'm not sure how willing he is to meet up even with an agenda. Though I suppose I won't know until I try.

Thank you so much!

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

I cant ever speak for him or anyone else... but I have some serious trust issues.

Not in the mood to even talk about it much, but when you struggle every waking minute to cope with surroundings that are loud, smell weird, sometimes blurry, and your mind is in overdrive trying to sort it all out as just more and more and more floods in... And then your told your a f------ retard, or that your stupid, or hated, or weird, or stubborn, or countless other things... it more than hurts.

If you ever get back with him, please be kind to him, even if your pissed off at him...

When I was abandoned as a kid, maybe I lost trust in people. I do trust but it takes me a while, but crush me and you have hurt me in ways that cant be comprehended. I will forgive you, but I will forget you ever existed. I hope he hasn't went there...

I wish you all the luck with this guy. Yet, of all people I know how hard it is on an NT also. My wife has to deal with stuff from me, that never even comes across her normal radar. I get that, and it makes me feel really bad, because I notice the troubles I cause her, and I have no way to just switch this stuff off.

We are both intelligent people, but most times its like we are from 2 different universes.
I wish I could give you all this hope... but just look at the internet on NT vs Aspie stuff...
Its everywhere, and its mostly all in favor of the NT mindset, hell bent on fixing us.

You cant fix what isn't broken. Instead we are labeled, categorized, medicated, labeled as diseased, or disabled (neither apply to me). We are made to feel inferior, when many times we have IQ's that surpass the "expert" a-- hole that just evaluated us...

Thats a messed up world

I wish you luck and I admire that your doing this. : )

Thank you!

We were both inexperienced. I'm not denying the mistakes I made that could've scared my Aspie into hiding.

When I asked if he could even consider being on friendly terms with me, he told me multiple times that there's no resentment, but he does need more time. This all happened before I discovered he might be Aspie.

Now that I know, I began wondering how to reach out to him in less intimidating ways. I've had months to think about this, and definitely did my best to move on. Funnily, knowing that he is AS only renews my determination to try again, and love him better by accepting who he is.

I hope it's not too late.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Many people on this forum have never had a relationship, so no help there. As for those of us who have had or are in relationships, we do not know your ex or anything about him. All Aspies are different, so the best person you could speak to is, as @Bolletje said, your ex.

Hmm, what would be helpful information to know about him to get a sense of how/who he is?

 

[xudo]

Hmm, what would be helpful information to know about him to get a sense of how/who he is?

How about instead of that, you try just talking to him?

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

How about instead of that, you try just talking to him?

I tried once. He is tremendously afraid of confrontations. He mentioned that he still feels stressed out when he thought of our previous fights.

Told me he needs more time to even be friends. I'd like to ease myself back into his life, and regain his trust.

 

[Keigan]

I tried once. He is tremendously afraid of confrontations. He mentioned that he still feels stressed out when he thought of our previous fights.

Told me he needs more time to even be friends. I'd like to ease myself back into his life, and regain his trust.

You have to get him looking forward, to stop looking backward.

 

[Bolletje]

Hmm, what would be helpful information to know about him to get a sense of how/who he is?

You can ask us all you want, but every person on the spectrum is different so we can't give you a manual to win your ex back. It's tempting to look for a magical solution from strangers but that's just wishful thinking. Might as well ask a group of red-haired people on advice to win your red-haired ex back.
He's told you what he needs (time), I suggest you give him what he asked for. Then at a later time you can try to reopen negotiations on his terms.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

You can ask us all you want, but every person on the spectrum is different so we can't give you a manual to win your ex back. It's tempting to look for a magical solution from strangers but that's just wishful thinking. Might as well ask a group of red-haired people on advice to win your red-haired ex back.
He's told you what he needs (time), I suggest you give him what he asked for. Then at a later time you can try to reopen negotiations on his terms.

I'm not trying to get a one-size-fits-all formula to get my partner back. But as someone who is nowhere on the spectrum (I took the AQ test online twice, scored 21 and 18), and is more in tune with emotions than even other NTs, I'm trying to understand my partner from an AS perspective.

My thought is that two people on the spectrum will perceive something more similarly, than two people whereby one is AS and the other is NT.

 

[Keigan]

I'm not trying to get a one-size-fits-all formula to get my partner back. But as someone who is nowhere on the spectrum (I took the AQ test online twice, scored 21 and 18), and is more in tune with emotions than even other NTs, I'm trying to understand my partner from an AS perspective.

My thought is that two people on the spectrum will perceive something more similarly, than two people whereby one is AS and the other is NT.

Not to rain on anyone's parade BUT;

The differences between empathic individual and on one end of the spectrum an aspie and the other end an Alexithymic - Is far more important than neuro-typical or neural-diverse partner.

Research Alexithymic.
Research Casandra Syndrome.
Research AS.

In that order....

Discover your core needs as an empathic individual, then determine if your needs can be met by your aspie partner... if not, you really need to consider pursuit or not.

Point being, don't pursue only to realize later that things did not work out. Most of who your aspie partner is will never change, this is how we are wired and this is very real for us.

I say all of that respectfully.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm not trying to get a one-size-fits-all formula to get my partner back. But as someone who is nowhere on the spectrum (I took the AQ test online twice, scored 21 and 18), and is more in tune with emotions than even other NTs, I'm trying to understand my partner from an AS perspective.

My thought is that two people on the spectrum will perceive something more similarly, than two people whereby one is AS and the other is NT.

I understand that you mean well, but I still think you're making some critical thinking errors.

1) there is no such thing as an AS perspective. If that were the case, there wouldn't be much for us to discuss on these forums. Maybe my red-haired analogy fell flat, so I'll try another one: if your ex were African-American, would you ask other black people for a black perspective? I don't think you would. To understand your ex's perspective, you'll have to ask him how he sees things.

2) mentioning how you're even more in touch with your emotions than other NT's seems (unintentionally, I'm sure) quite offensive for suggesting that neurodiverse people are not. I think you might be buying into the stereotype that Aspies lack emotions. Again, neurodiverse people are just that: a diverse bunch. Some of us have alexithymia, but others are hyper aware of emotions, be it other peoples or their own.

3) You're asking advice on how to win back an ex that has explicitly stated he isn't ready to be friends, let alone partners at the moment. No matter where he stands on the spectrum, no matter how much you hurt, I think you should respect those wishes.

 

[mw2530]

1) there is no such thing as an AS perspective. If that were the case, there wouldn't be much for us to discuss on these forums. Maybe my red-haired analogy fell flat, so I'll try another one: if your ex were African-American, would you ask other black people for a black perspective? I don't think you would. To understand your ex's perspective, you'll have to ask him how he sees things.

I think you are being overly critical in this response. The poster was merely looking to get a perspective from an ASD point of view. Sure, I agree that those with ASD are very diverse. But your analogies are off the mark. A redhead simply shares the same color hair as another redhead. Pretty much has no effect on how they live their lives. But ASD affects how people interact with the world at a fundamental level. We can offer some perspective to this situation based on our experiences in this world. Sorry if I'm being harsh. I think it is a positive she is willing to seek out our opinions and try and learn more about ASD.

 

[Bolletje]

I think you are being overly critical in this response. The poster was merely looking to get a perspective from an ASD point of view. Sure, I agree that those with ASD are very diverse. But your analogies are off the mark. A redhead simply shares the same color hair as another redhead. Pretty much has no effect on how they live their lives. But ASD affects how people interact with the world at a fundamental level. We can offer some perspective to this situation based on our experiences in this world. Sorry if I'm being harsh. I think it is a positive she is willing to seek out our opinions and try and learn more about ASD.

What I meant by my analogies is that just because we share a common characteristic, doesn't mean we are alike. Which makes asking for our perspective in order to see things through her exes' eyes kind of pointless, imo, no matter how good the intentions.

 

[mw2530]

I would suggest reading some other posts within the love/relationships/family forum section b/c there are many NT's who have posted here looking for advice. I've been on this site over 3 years, although there were times in that period that I was not very active. But it does not take long to recognize a pattern in the narratives of the posts by NT women discussing there relationship or recent break up with "their" aspie. BTW I find that wording offensive b/c it makes it sound like the aspie is owned. The same underlying issues arise over and over again i.e. lack of communication, differing expectations, outside pressures, etc... Maybe some of the responses in these other threads can offer some more insight to your experience. Can't say it will change the prospects for the relationship, but at the very least can give you some more understanding of the problems that are faced in a ASD/NT relationship.