Winning an Aspie back

[xudo]

NT women discussing there relationship or recent break up with "their" aspie. BTW I find that wording offensive b/c it makes it sound like the aspie is owned.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

[Keigan]

There does seem to be a pattern of "possessiveness" from an empathic towards an aspie that they are/formerly close with. Though it is many times dangerously close to being aligned with "fixing" the Aspie which too often is not possible for the Aspie to meet the expectations and needs of the empathic.

For it is how we are wired and that does not change.

 

[ksheehan88]

Honestly, if just your name drags up feelings of unease and anxiety, I think you should just leave well alone until he is ready to come to you, if indeed he wants to.

I think that is the fairest thing to do, for his sake.

 

[Oda a la Tormenta]

I cant ever speak for him or anyone else... but I have some serious trust issues.

Not in the mood to even talk about it much, but when you struggle every waking minute to cope with surroundings that are loud, smell weird, sometimes blurry, and your mind is in overdrive trying to sort it all out as just more and more and more floods in... And then your told your a f------ retard, or that your stupid, or hated, or weird, or stubborn, or countless other things... it more than hurts.

If you ever get back with him, please be kind to him, even if your pissed off at him...

When I was abandoned as a kid, maybe I lost trust in people. I do trust but it takes me a while, but crush me and you have hurt me in ways that cant be comprehended. I will forgive you, but I will forget you ever existed. I hope he hasn't went there...

I wish you all the luck with this guy. Yet, of all people I know how hard it is on an NT also. My wife has to deal with stuff from me, that never even comes across her normal radar. I get that, and it makes me feel really bad, because I notice the troubles I cause her, and I have no way to just switch this stuff off.

We are both intelligent people, but most times its like we are from 2 different universes.
I wish I could give you all this hope... but just look at the internet on NT vs Aspie stuff...
Its everywhere, and its mostly all in favor of the NT mindset, hell bent on fixing us.

You cant fix what isn't broken. Instead we are labeled, categorized, medicated, labeled as diseased, or disabled (neither apply to me). We are made to feel inferior, when many times we have IQ's that surpass the "expert" a-- hole that just evaluated us...

Thats a messed up world

I wish you luck and I admire that your doing this. : )

Everything you spoke of in this post resonates with me...and I thank you for your candor and honesty. It takes a lot to be so honest(a lot of what you wrote would never ever escape my lips, let alone my head) and I'm grateful know someone else has had a similar experience to I. Also I very much like your Tolkien quote.

 

[Katleya]

I think the suggestion to read similar posts is a very practical one that should offer constructive insight, as long as that insight is not mistaken for an instruction manual for handling romantic conflict with an Aspie partner, because every person is different, spectrum or not. I shall also recommend that you search for the recent thread on holding grudges.

As for my personal recommendation, it would be to give time and space to the person who requested it, as it is essential to "recharging" the batteries that enable interaction with the world. I understand why you would want to try to reach out, but doing so before he's ready equates to forcing him, and that can only have adverse effects. Now, that's a suggestion based on how I personally go about things; as Bolletje and Xudo have said, we are not him, and cannot provide an absolute answer. I see it's a bit of a catch-22, only him can help you figure out how to figure him out, for which you need to reach out to him, but reaching out might push him further away. That's not a comfortable position to be in, and I wish you serenity in dealing with the feelings it may bring up.

As for the possessive adjective used, I did catch it too, and didn't like the ring to it, but I'm feeling optimistic today and I've decided that the rare, ever-fleeting Aspie can be quite endearing and fascinating to some NTs, making them want to catch us and keep us like the rarest Pokemon.
(I didn't want things to get too deep and philosophical, so there, Pokemon punchline for good measure)

Oh, just one last thing: you can't win an Aspie back. You have to earn them.

 

[paloftoon]

There's nothing wrong with you trying. It is an emotional experience. It is your way of letting go since you don't have all the clear answers you need. There will be a point where you will have to let go if he doesn't respond basically. You will probably be able to figure that out when you need to do that.

If you have friends that will give you opinions that you can consider, even better. Try to get as many as you can, and then make an educated conclusion based on your sense of the situation. You don't even necessarily need to follow anyone's advice, but having a multitude of perspectives helps a lot.

Basically, there's asking and/or apologizing once, maybe twice, and then if you must, a closure e-mail. Each response should be kept to about 2 paragraphs. You want to write anything you choose to with authentic emotion. Don't write too much because it just won't be read or understood well. Choose your words carefully. Even then, realize that it might not work out, but that you did all that you could do. I went through something like this myself - so I had to learn the hard way. Even though it wasn't a relationship, it was such a great date it was as if it was a relationship. Emotions and responses got weirdly complicated in a negative way sadly. At least I learned, and am a better person for it. I always leave my door open because you never know who is "watching" to see a new you.

 

[paloftoon]

Also, your ex may've given up and not even realize or want to think about what is going on.
So, it's good to try for your own interests, to a point.
At some point, you have to say it's time to move on, but my door is always open to conversation and building if he initiates something with me.

 

[Ambi]

My first advice would be not to refer to him as your Aspie. We're not cats. Would you date a white person and refer to them as your Caucasian? Maybe it's just me, but to me that is totally weird and off-putting. I am nobody's Aspie. In your case, especially, this person isn't even your partner anymore, so he's definitely not your Aspie or your anything else other than your ex - that sounds like a boundary issue, not accepting the fact that you do not have any claim or ties to him. I strongly urge you to think about all that you know of this person individually - it's not like him having Asperger's means that we all can tell you what he is like, what he likes or dislikes, etc. Every person here who tries to tell you something specific is simply telling you what they in particular happen to feel/think - that tells you nothing about your ex, he is his own person. The best way to find things out is to ask him, not a forum full of people who do not know him. I do not mean to sound harsh, but this is an ASD forum, and this is a place were I am able to be quite blunt and logical instead of masking things to be more palatable to neurotypical people. That is not meant to be facetious - that is really what I mean. So I'm not trying to be mean, just laying out what I see logically here.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Yes, thank you for pointing that out. I would have perceived it as similar to someone saying, "My sweetheart" or some other term of endearment. It's helpful to know that it does not come across that way to someone on the receiving end of the "my Aspie" term.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

My first advice would be not to refer to him as your Aspie. We're not cats. Would you date a white person and refer to them as your Caucasian? Maybe it's just me, but to me that is totally weird and off-putting. I am nobody's Aspie. In your case, especially, this person isn't even your partner anymore, so he's definitely not your Aspie or your anything else other than your ex - that sounds like a boundary issue, not accepting the fact that you do not have any claim or ties to him. I strongly urge you to think about all that you know of this person individually - it's not like him having Asperger's means that we all can tell you what he is like, what he likes or dislikes, etc. Every person here who tries to tell you something specific is simply telling you what they in particular happen to feel/think - that tells you nothing about your ex, he is his own person. The best way to find things out is to ask him, not a forum full of people who do not know him. I do not mean to sound harsh, but this is an ASD forum, and this is a place were I am able to be quite blunt and logical instead of masking things to be more palatable to neurotypical people. That is not meant to be facetious - that is really what I mean. So I'm not trying to be mean, just laying out what I see logically here.

I apologize; it was not meant to be offensive.

A partner whose spouse has AS described it as learning another "culture" or "language." Not everyone from the same culture or who speaks a common language is the same, but the fact that you have that shared culture/language already makes you more similar than someone who doesn't, and that's how I interpreted it.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

I think the suggestion to read similar posts is a very practical one that should offer constructive insight, as long as that insight is not mistaken for an instruction manual for handling romantic conflict with an Aspie partner, because every person is different, spectrum or not. I shall also recommend that you search for the recent thread on holding grudges.

As for my personal recommendation, it would be to give time and space to the person who requested it, as it is essential to "recharging" the batteries that enable interaction with the world. I understand why you would want to try to reach out, but doing so before he's ready equates to forcing him, and that can only have adverse effects. Now, that's a suggestion based on how I personally go about things; as Bolletje and Xudo have said, we are not him, and cannot provide an absolute answer. I see it's a bit of a catch-22, only him can help you figure out how to figure him out, for which you need to reach out to him, but reaching out might push him further away. That's not a comfortable position to be in, and I wish you serenity in dealing with the feelings it may bring up.

As for the possessive adjective used, I did catch it too, and didn't like the ring to it, but I'm feeling optimistic today and I've decided that the rare, ever-fleeting Aspie can be quite endearing and fascinating to some NTs, making them want to catch us and keep us like the rarest Pokemon.
(I didn't want things to get too deep and philosophical, so there, Pokemon punchline for good measure)

Oh, just one last thing: you can't win an Aspie back. You have to earn them.

Thank you. Hm, would you elaborate what it means to "earn" them back?

Well, yes. I kinda used it as a term of endearment. But I was wrong. I apologize.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

I cant ever speak for him or anyone else... but I have some serious trust issues.

Not in the mood to even talk about it much, but when you struggle every waking minute to cope with surroundings that are loud, smell weird, sometimes blurry, and your mind is in overdrive trying to sort it all out as just more and more and more floods in... And then your told your a f------ retard, or that your stupid, or hated, or weird, or stubborn, or countless other things... it more than hurts.

If you ever get back with him, please be kind to him, even if your pissed off at him...

When I was abandoned as a kid, maybe I lost trust in people. I do trust but it takes me a while, but crush me and you have hurt me in ways that cant be comprehended. I will forgive you, but I will forget you ever existed. I hope he hasn't went there...

I wish you all the luck with this guy. Yet, of all people I know how hard it is on an NT also. My wife has to deal with stuff from me, that never even comes across her normal radar. I get that, and it makes me feel really bad, because I notice the troubles I cause her, and I have no way to just switch this stuff off.

We are both intelligent people, but most times its like we are from 2 different universes.
I wish I could give you all this hope... but just look at the internet on NT vs Aspie stuff...
Its everywhere, and its mostly all in favor of the NT mindset, hell bent on fixing us.

You cant fix what isn't broken. Instead we are labeled, categorized, medicated, labeled as diseased, or disabled (neither apply to me). We are made to feel inferior, when many times we have IQ's that surpass the "expert" a-- hole that just evaluated us...

Thats a messed up world

I wish you luck and I admire that your doing this. : )

Thank you so much for your reply. It certainly means a lot and warms my heart! I certainly hope there would be another chance to do things differently.

He is who he is; I only wish I'd known that earlier.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

What I meant by my analogies is that just because we share a common characteristic, doesn't mean we are alike. Which makes asking for our perspective in order to see things through her exes' eyes kind of pointless, imo, no matter how good the intentions.

A partner whose spouse has AS described it as learning another "culture" or "language." Not everyone from the same culture or who speaks a common language is the same, but the fact that you have that shared culture/language already makes you more similar than someone who doesn't, and that's how I thought of it. I didn't mean to come across as over-generalizing.

I apologize.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

I think you are being overly critical in this response. The poster was merely looking to get a perspective from an ASD point of view. Sure, I agree that those with ASD are very diverse. But your analogies are off the mark. A redhead simply shares the same color hair as another redhead. Pretty much has no effect on how they live their lives. But ASD affects how people interact with the world at a fundamental level. We can offer some perspective to this situation based on our experiences in this world. Sorry if I'm being harsh. I think it is a positive she is willing to seek out our opinions and try and learn more about ASD.

Thank you! I know I've said this in other responses before, but to spare you the time scrolling through them, I mentioned this: A partner whose spouse has AS described it as learning another "culture" or "language." Not everyone from the same culture or who speaks a common language is the same, but the fact that you have that shared culture/language already makes you more similar than someone who doesn't, and that's how I interpreted it.

This is all new to me. Even through this thread, I'm learning that I have to be mindful of the way I communicate.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

There does seem to be a pattern of "possessiveness" from an empathic towards an aspie that they are/formerly close with. Though it is many times dangerously close to being aligned with "fixing" the Aspie which too often is not possible for the Aspie to meet the expectations and needs of the empathic.

For it is how we are wired and that does not change.

I'm not expecting him to change, though I am trying to understand him and others with AS better. I did perceive "my Aspie" as a light-hearted term of endearment, without meaning to come across as derogatory. I do apologize that it is offensive.

 

[Keigan]

I'm not expecting him to change, though I am trying to understand him and others with AS better. I did perceive "my Aspie" as a light-hearted term of endearment, without meaning to come across as derogatory. I do apologize it that it is offensive.

I would agree with light-hearted term of endearment. Everyone looks at things differently, we all do it.

 

[Katleya]

Thank you. Hm, would you elaborate what it means to "earn" them back?

Well, yes. I kinda used it as a term of endearment. But I was wrong. I apologize.

Generally speaking, earn their trust. The exact steps to earn the person back are, well, personal and varying for each individual.

But, as you have learned already, you will need to be mindful when you communicate. That's part of the starter pack. A lot of us, but probably not all, show some weird mix of naive and wary, usually because we have been too trusting, got hurt by loved ones (or not-so-loved ones), and as a result keep most people at bay to avoid getting hurt again. That's the type of trust you need to earn, and with the overly analytical or sensitive personality that can be common, it's a very precise operation.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Generally speaking, earn their trust. The exact steps to earn the person back are, well, personal and varying for each individual.

But, as you have learned already, you will need to be mindful when you communicate. That's part of the starter pack. A lot of us, but probably not all, show some weird mix of naive and wary, usually because we have been too trusting, got hurt by loved ones (or not-so-loved ones), and as a result keep most people at bay to avoid getting hurt again. That's the type of trust you need to earn, and with the overly analytical or sensitive personality that can be common, it's a very precise operation.

Thank you. I understand that the steps to earning my partner's trust can be a long and difficult road. If I'm honest, I don't even know what sort of questions I should be asking in order to, like you say, have in mind a "very precise operation" to do so.

Would you be able to provide examples of how or what someone could do to personally earn your trust? Thanks!

 

[Okareka]

Hi there
I see this is an old post...
What happened with your beautiful ASD man? Did you reunite as friends or perhaps rekindle your relationship?
I ask because I have had a very similar experience to yours, and I do hope one day to reconnect as friends. At the time I did not realise he was HF ASD so I did and said things that would have been a detriment to our friendship ( that turned romantic). If I had my time again with the knowledge I now have.... I would go slowly, give more space, less persistence ( but I was a tad infatuated I am embarrassed to say!). He was so charming and I had known him 4 years as ( mainly online friends) with a few visits. Only when we got close did things start to go pear shaped (misunderstandings, assumptions...and my lack of awareness). I have possibly scared this beautiful man away for good due to lack of knowledge and understanding.

 

[makaronijo94]

Hi there
I see this is an old post...
What happened with your beautiful ASD man? Did you reunite as friends or perhaps rekindle your relationship?
I ask because I have had a very similar experience to yours, and I do hope one day to reconnect as friends. At the time I did not realise he was HF ASD so I did and said things that would have been a detriment to our friendship ( that turned romantic). If I had my time again with the knowledge I now have.... I would go slowly, give more space, less persistence ( but I was a tad infatuated I am embarrassed to say!). He was so charming and I had known him 4 years as ( mainly online friends) with a few visits. Only when we got close did things start to go pear shaped (misunderstandings, assumptions...and my lack of awareness). I have possibly scared this beautiful man away for good due to lack of knowledge and understanding.

I also would like to know!!!
Is there a happy end?