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Reasons why I can’t let go of wanting a relationship

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Masked Man said:
Why?
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I am considered “old” and “uncool” even by the standards of other people in their 30’s despite how the bulk of my interests aren’t exactly old fashioned. I also don’t have much money and a lot of social functions require a certain amount of spending.

My face and receding hairline also seem to be considered scorn worthy.
 
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Your interests are hardly unusual.

I asked you earlier but you did not answer: would you still like to attend that book club? That would be free. It might do you good to just attend for the social interaction itself.
 
Masked Man said:
Your interests are hardly unusual.

I asked you earlier but you did not answer: would you still like to attend that book club? That would be free. It might do you good to just attend for the social interaction itself.
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But not according to my judgmental father and someone here who thinks liking video games equals being childish. The latter here especially has shown contempt for me.

If you are talking about the one that’s run by one of the reference workers at the library, I can’t join that one. That worker only wants to talk about the books he personally thinks should be read and my work schedule clashes with his anyway. If you are talking about the writing group, I don’t know how I can without using up vacation time, which I only have a limited supply of.

I attended two meetings that a now long gone book club on Meet Up held. The first was promising and the second ended in extreme disappointment.
 
Markness said:
But not according to my judgmental father and someone here who thinks liking video games equals being childish. The latter here especially has shown contempt for me.

If you are talking about the one that’s run by one of the reference workers at the library, I can’t join that one. That worker only wants to talk about the books he personally thinks should be read and my work schedule clashes with his anyway. If you are talking about the writing group, I don’t know how I can without using up vacation time, which I only have a limited supply of.

I attended two meetings that a now long gone book club on Meet Up held. The first was promising and the second ended in extreme disappointment.
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I don't care what your parents think or one person who made a comment one time... trust me, your interests are not unusual. You've allowed yourself to believe that for too long.

I believe it's the writing group club - do you work every day? I seem to remember you saying you're part time. So presumably you can have your schedule altered so you do not work on the day that club meets.

That does mean you have to bring it up with your manager/supervisor. Are you able to do that?
 
Masked Man said:
I don't care what your parents think or one person who made a comment one time... trust me, your interests are not unusual. You've allowed yourself to believe that for too long.

I believe it's the writing group club - do you work every day? I seem to remember you saying you're part time. So presumably you can have your schedule altered so you do not work on the day that club meets.

That does mean you have to bring it up with your manager/supervisor. Are you able to do that?
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I don’t think they are unusual. It’s the people who’ve sabotaged me who think so.

I don’t work everyday. There’s little to no genuine camaraderie among the workers at the library.

I struggle communicating even with him.
 
Markness said:
I don’t think they are unusual. It’s the people who’ve sabotaged me who think so.
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There is some contradictory irony in this statement, @Markness.

Even if you do feel that your activities are not unusual. YOU still stifle yourself based on the opinions of others. Other people cannot do much to affect your life, outside commiting outright criminal acts against you. And even then. People don't care enough to have anything to do with your life, outside of a harmless, meaningless, observation. Even your parents cannot legally shackle you down as an a adult. They will have opinions about how you run your life. But that's all they can do.

Look. I am trying to escape my own self-made living hell too. I know all about how your own conformation biases will influence your beliefs and perceptions. I've lived it myself for years now. I'm kinda still living it.

What you feel is going on, is lies. Sure, they were a very real thing at one point. But this isn't true now. You have control of what you do, and how you respond, in the present. You, and you alone, can change this.

Whether you believe you can and do so, is entirely up to you.
 
Markness said:
I can't figure out what the answers or solutions to my struggles are.
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Can't or won't? There is a distinct difference between the two.

Mind you. I mean this in the most, kind, sincere way possible. Namely because it's hard to see the answers, when you're distracted by 'woe is me' sentiments. When you are more willing to see what you want to see, and not what's actually there. This doesn't make you a bad person. But it does make it unnessissarly hard on you to see what needs to be done.

Let me present another way of putting this.

The title of this thread: "Reasons why I can't let go of wanting a relationship".

Replace 'reasons' with 'excuses'. That is a more honest reflection of your mindset, in regards to this.

It could be said till the cows come home, that you need to reflect on yourself presently and look at what you could do differently. But you need to see it and, more importantly, believe it first.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a hard thing to do. It really is. Especially when your knee jerk response is to be a clot of complaints and grievances. To do what is easy. I'm learning this the hard way, myself, as a 35 year old.

None of us are perfect, @Markness. But you need to step up to the plate, like the rest of us. Deal with life's curveballs and, more importantly, your current self.
 
When my future wife and I went to the bar she bought her own drinks, she did not want to be obligated, So cost may not be a big of an issue as you think.
 
Markness said:
I can't figure out what the answers or solutions to my struggles are.
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That's easy. You've mentioned so many times about how the people you allow within your closest social circle to disparage you.

Yet you continue to maintain them when clearly you'd be better off alone, until a time when you can replace them with those not so prone to so easily criticize you. This would be the best start for you under such circumstances. Not having a close relationship with a woman is understandable, but perpetually allowing yourself to be surrounded by abusive and predatory people is not.

You need to get out of this private hell you've allowed yourself to deal with for much too long.

Unless perhaps, deep-down you are a masochist who cannot distinguish pain from pleasure.
 
The biggest issue I ever encountered about taking risks wasn't the risk itself, but always my ability and resolve to take a risk. -Any risks.

So many things we may cherish depend on our ability to measure what is gained over what may be lost in the process. And yet to still be willing to try. That's life!
 
Markness said:
1) The isolation I have to go through long periods of time is often unbearable and I can’t share any experiences. I feel like I am missing out and that my past has defined how I will be for the remainder of my life.

2) People outside my immediate and extended families who have known me for decades knew I didn’t have a girlfriend in my teens and I still have nothing to show for my efforts when I encounter them now.

3) My siblings are all married and have their own families. The family group text on my phone messages is constantly showing photos and even videos of what they are getting to do. I wish I could post similar things but I can’t.
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Yes, the loneliness is unbearable. I nearly blew my brains out because of it. I never had a girlfriend in high school. I never had a date, and the only time I was ever invited to (or even told about) parties was the next Monday after they happened. Stop comparing yourself to others.

In order to attract someone, you have to be attractable. Not handsome or rich, not outgoing or charming, but someone another person will want to be with. You need project that you ARE someone worth being with. Confidence in yourself is a big part of it.

Look at Metalhead. A few years ago he was a mess. But he applied himself, and with the confidence we helped to build, he conquered most of his debilitating problems one by one. Yes, he still has problems, and has a long way to go, but he is applying himself and dealing with them. He is much better than he was.

Much of your problem is that you have convinced yourself that you are a loser. Until you get rid of that attitude, nothing will change.
 
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