Reasons why I can’t let go of wanting a relationship

[Markness]

The people you've tried to match up with, do you know if any of them were homeless or on welfare?

I have to admit maybe I've encountered people on welfare without knowing for certain.

I have been attracted to a few homeless looking people but they could've really been drug addicts from rich families getting their fix in the city, honestly. :/

Those thoughts never crossed my mind. I am just noticing a lot of the things my parents told me have not been what I’ve seen personally.

Both of my parents are also very judgmental. I would go so far to say that they are bullies.

 

[Markness]

My parents also never taught me anything about courtship.

 

[Masked Man]

Have you spoken to your supervisor about arranging your schedule so you can attend a book club meeting?

Because if you haven't, it makes no sense to complain about your past when you won't do anything about your own present.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My parents also never taught me anything about courtship.

Courtship for us Aspies is different not what you see on TV or movies that is for NT's, Our way id form a friendship first then grow on the other. they get attracted to things like our honesty. quirky way of doing stuff, loyalty, no interest in straying.

 

[tree]

My parents also never taught me anything about courtship.

Wouldn't this just be common manners?

They didn't abandon you like a puppy tossed by the side of the road.
Presumably you have some concept of interacting with people.

What are you expecting parents to teach their children, specifically,
about *courtship*?

 

[Masked Man]

Courtship for us Aspies is different not what you see on TV or movies that is for NT's, Our way id form a friendship first then grow on the other. they get attracted to things like our honesty. quirky way of doing stuff, loyalty, no interest in straying.

Agreed, and I think it's important to also know that there isn't a script to follow. There are no magic words.

 

[Xinyta]

Be mindful of control, @Markness

We all have our ideals of how we feel life "should" work. But at the same time, we need to accept that life doesn't work that way. Our own wants and desires will not just be plopped in our laps. It's something you need to WORK towards.

How do you get there? Reflection. Specifically on yourself.

Not your past. Not your mistakes.

Focus on you presently. What do you do as a person that maybe hindering towards possibly finding a mate?

We don't realize it, unless we know to look for it. But our own responses and behavior towards things, translate from our inner thoughts. Good or bad. I understand this can be tricky for us ND folks. But it takes practice. Note how we interact. Note how we behave. Note our responses. How do people react in return? Adjust accordingly.

The point is. Obsessing over something you 'feel' you never will have, is only going to feed your deep, dark, misery cycle. Let it go.

 

[Mary Terry]

My parents also never taught me anything about courtship.

My parents never taught any of us kids about courtship. I did not teach my children about courtship. My parents taught us, and I taught our children, how to behave, how to respect others, how to be disciplined, how to identify bad people, how to stand up for themselves and a lot of other things that enhanced our ability to successfully relate to other people, which, in turn, led to successful courtships. Your parents are very typical in that regard.

 

[Markness]

I wish things could get better sooner rather than later. I am worried about dying still alone and unhappy if things stay the same too much longer.

 

[tree]

You're unhappy about *things* staying the same.

You wish *things* would change.

Who do you suppose can change things about your life?

Spoiler

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Fail to plan plan to fail. Before I meet my wife I went to bars to check out bands, did not meet one woman, drank one beer sat on table alone, did not now I was Aspie, so much for that plan, my cousin a drummer for a band had left my rooming house his former room was available my partner rented the room to this lady I helped her move in, thought she was good looking Months later I was going g to check out my cousin play at a bar on Yonge street, wondered if she would join me. She said yes. My cousin was so surprised he changed the lyric of a song he was singing to refer to her, murmur in crowd, who was the woman he referred to. My date was shocked blushed.

 

[paloftoon]

Besides independence, having a sense of your own hobbies, what you can be open to, and a good balance of trying to get to know and be together with another but also being able to balance that with establishing your own boundaries as necessary too.

Hope that helps. It's never easy- that's for sure.

 

[NB79]

I think is best to not be desperate for a relationship, but build your life the best you can.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Ever since high school, college, past jobs women have been trying to pick me up . All that time I was trying to do stuff to meet woman, why was I oblivious. simple I was too focused on social convention, and they were not following it. In house full of female tenants. only to learn from my wife most in them were interested in dating me,
including her.
Could you be in a similar situation, trying to follow convention. missing the boat. Even one member here, shares culture, social status language yet previously lived most likely a few km from my niece who is single never occurred to me to connect them.

 

[FeatherBird]

Courtship for us Aspies is different not what you see on TV or movies that is for NT's, Our way id form a friendship first then grow on the other. they get attracted to things like our honesty. quirky way of doing stuff, loyalty, no interest in straying.

I don't doubt there are some cases where that can work.

That being said, I've had way more luck with meeting a woman online (because it's a lot easier to mask my autism online)

As a rule of thumb, the ones I meet organically in person tend to view me as nothing more than a friend (at most). Even though they don't officially know I'm autistic (I hide that fact), they can at least tell there's something off about me.

 

[FeatherBird]

Agreed, and I think it's important to also know that there isn't a script to follow. There are no magic words.

Which is a real shame.

A lot of us with ASD (myself included) have thought to ourselves at some point "If only I could learn the right script, I'd succeed romantically"

As you said though, there unfortunately isn't a script.

 

[FeatherBird]

Ever since high school, college, past jobs women have been trying to pick me up . All that time I was trying to do stuff to meet woman, why was I oblivious. simple I was too focused on social convention, and they were not following it. In house full of female tenants. only to learn from my wife most in them were interested in dating me,
including her.
Could you be in a similar situation, trying to follow convention. missing the boat. Even one member here, shares culture, social status language yet previously lived most likely a few km from my niece who is single never occurred to me to connect them.

You illustrate a good point.

It's possible a lot of folks with ASD who struggle to find a partner might have opportunities we don't even know exist (because we're unable to pick up on the clues potential partners are giving us)

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I have had women try to pick me up at bus stops, on a park bench just quietly sitting she asked if I wanted to share her hot dog, even a women in the sales department as I liked to sit and listen to sales pitches during break. I told to guys on the line they thought I was making it, up They all wanted to do her. I just though how odd. In college I took a woman in society course as an elective, just get into some debates the teacher loved it couple of woman kept passing me notes. Same in high school notes in my locker even anonymous phone Reminded me of my cousin
band member told girls chased him had to hid from them never occurred to me we had something in common. him I get drummer in band. My wife tell me I got gorgeous hair had to cut it after stroke could not maintain. growing it again as my cousin second job was hair dresser had to retire. Starting to think my cousin may also be on spectrum would explains his proficiency on drums and hair dressing.

 

[Markness]

I feel like I can’t start on anything that could lead to finally having a relationship.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My wife just came back from visiting a friend whose husband a fellow Aspie passed last year, She got a new boy
friend .Appears to be another Aspie, her biggest complaint is he does not like going out and doing stuff with her. I have only meet him once she says we have a lot in common. He worked at nuclear plants in maintenance retired My uncle was the maintenance manager at one of the plants years ago. I think he is masking as a red neck apparently told her uneducated people have no business having opinions, she dropped out of school in grade 7 I suspect she has 140 IQ or more. why her and former husband and us became friends,