As an AS female I can only talk to guys online

[Hadassah]

Anyone else here got the same thing? I just can't do it IRL, just can't. I run and hide. Or get cold (I've heard) and seem like I'm not interested. I'm just so freaking scared!! If a guy approaches me and starts to talk, my mind completely blacks out and I don't even understand what he's saying (I'm serious!). I only have female friends.

My pitiful online relationships have always failed.. The first having severe autism so that he wanted to be with me -but couldn't let anyone that close in the end, one being a narcissistic abuser (which sadly was the only one I actually have met), and the last one living too far and having severe depression. And I've heard being to needy :/ I wonder if that's because of AS.

Oh well, I've heard that most aspie women spend their whole life alone.. I hope that's not the case for all

 

[total-recoil]

I believe most aspie females find boyfriends at some point. Maybe you should just relax and have fun doing things you want to do till you meet someone in time. That is, why worry about being single for now? Myself, I'm male but I just decided to let be what will be. I mean, my feeling is if a girl is interested, fine, and if not, well I don't get too bothered by it. Take your time and wait till you find someone special who you relate to.

Anyone else here got the same thing? I just can't do it IRL, just can't. I run and hide. Or get cold (I've heard) and seem like I'm not interested. I'm just so freaking scared!! If a guy approaches me and starts to talk, my mind completely blacks out and I don't even understand what he's saying (I'm serious!). I only have female friends.

My pitiful online relationships have always failed.. The first having severe autism so that he wanted to be with me -but couldn't let anyone that close in the end, one being a narcissistic abuser (which sadly was the only one I actually have met), and the last one living too far and having severe depression. And I've heard being to needy :/ I wonder if that's because of AS.

Oh well, I've heard that most aspie women spend their whole life alone.. I hope that's not the case for all

 

[Hadassah]

Thanks! I know.. It's just that I analyze too much why am I single, am I not good enough for anyone? Am I not attractive enough? But I guess it will end up nowhere, the analyzing I mean >.<

 

[King_Oni]

Have you ever thought what makes up the difference between talking online and offline to men?

 

[Hadassah]

Offline men are scary. It's easier for me to talk through writing anyway, so it's more natural if I can start talking to them that way. Plus guys usually start with small-talk, I hate small talk and just talk stupid or blush, etc. My father was a very violent and scary figure in my life, so that might have something to do with that :/ Plus I've heard guys say I seem cold and distant, and that I'm just not interested (well, I'm an aspie! Which I'm glad I learned to know now finally, before I'd be so hard on myself for being so weird around men and people in general..)

 

[King_Oni]

Heh.. it actually sounds quite familiar. I write easier than I talk. Has been an issue with a lot of relationships in the past for me. Talking to women online always seemed to work out fine for me.. and if I had a solid basis I was kinda good to go.

Perhaps you just ran into the wrong guys, heh. At least reading from your previous encounters, for some reason neither of them worked out. Relationships can be a hit or miss and even more so with people on the spectrum I think. In my life I had a few relationships and there's a few really short ones (which I can't even consider relationships I think) and there's a few that actually stuck around for a longer period. The ones that actually stuck around longest were in fact aspies (or people bordering it) and could deal and identify with my quirks.

 

[Aalo]

Heh, to me most online men are scary - after they discover you are a female. I like to use that on my benefit and often take extra precautions not to reveal me gender to people online. I hate to get the attention of being girl that knows certain non-girly things, girl so awesome and so on, that always leads to being hit on and all, bleh. Usually people don't have nerve to try it that obviously irl, so that kind of action is much more of a bother online. Offline people still behave to some extent, some hastily, but still.

Offline my only "problem" is that I'm not confident/interested in talking for anyone, strangers or not, male or any other. But I think it's always easier to have a distance with people until you want to approach certain individual, rather than be so interesting and get approached by tons of others - people that can be anyone, people whose traits you can't choose.

 

[Peace]

Wow Hadassah,
there are so many things going on there.
First off, looking for a relationship never works. It comes to you. You seem to question your worth, and your confidence. Having a "Father Role Model" like you described will most certainly lead to deep seated problems. You are not responsible for how you grew up, that is like blaming yourself for getting a flat tire.
There is nothing wrong with you, including having Aspergers. You are who you are supposed to be, and you are beautiful just like that! There is more than one man out there that would take you just as you are, and be the most grateful man ever.
You say you don't know how to talk to men. I say that the right man will know how to talk to you, AND how to listen. Are there any males in your life that you can talk to? A coworker, a relative or something like that?
You can overcome these obstacles, but it may prove to be a gargantuan task, and may also require some help. want to talk some more on this, you can meassage me, or just write on here.
Good Luck.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I find that different men are different individuals. You will do great if you find that one special guy that you see as his unique self as "Bob" or whoever, rather than as "a man."

 

[Hadassah]

Actually all three of these "relationships" have happened without me searching for them, so that's quite true All of them fell for my sweet nature (or that's what they said) and also the first and the last (not the narcissist one) thought I was gorgeus.. Sniff.

It still doesn't shake off the feeling that irl I always feel like I lose to other women. I'm not the girl guys get interested in or get noticed. I've heard several times it's in my head, but can't help it. Because all of my real life crushes have been "snatched" by another woman and I end up crying in the corner. There's been like 5 serious crushes and 3 of them knew I liked them. None of them wanted me. I think I look weird or ugly, that is my main reason in my head. Never been a stick either, but not fat either. But that's a big concern aswell. Getting more toned now, but I'll always have my curves.

Plus my Narcissist ex took away the last bits I thought were beautiful in me.. And as an aspie I just looove to analyze why I'm still single and it gets a little bit too of hand, lol. Plus I ain't getting any younger and starting to get scared I'll never find anyone..

 

[Peace]

All of those feelings are natural. The ex's thing is because "They" were looking for a relationship. Your size does not matter, and curves are Sexy!
Just about every relationship I ever had (and there were several) ended up cheating on me. Talk about feeling like there was something wrong with you.... Anyways, I know better now, and I do not worry about such trivial things.
From your writings, I can see your beauty. Anyone worth having will see it too. It does not come from the outside, but from within. Outward attraction is for preliminary meeting only.

Actually all three of these "relationships" have happened without me searching for them, so that's quite true All of them fell for my sweet nature (or that's what they said) and also the first and the last (not the narcissist one) thought I was gorgeus.. Sniff.

It still doesn't shake off the feeling that irl I always feel like I lose to other women. I'm not the girl guys get interested in or get noticed. I've heard several times it's in my head, but can't help it. Because all of my real life crushes have been "snatched" by another woman and I end up crying in the corner. There's been like 5 serious crushes and 3 of them knew I liked them. None of them wanted me. I think I look weird or ugly, that is my main reason in my head. Never been a stick either, but not fat either. But that's a big concern aswell. Getting more toned now, but I'll always have my curves.

Plus my Narcissist ex took away the last bits I thought were beautiful in me.. And as an aspie I just looove to analyze why I'm still single and it gets a little bit too of hand, lol. Plus I ain't getting any younger and starting to get scared I'll never find anyone..

 

[nonsensical]

I think I look weird or ugly, that is my main reason in my head. Never been a stick either, but not fat either. But that's a big concern aswell. Getting more toned now, but I'll always have my curves.

These unobtainable ideas are driven into girls at such an early age... never to be happy with your body shape if it doesn't represent that of a starved, anorexic model. Curves are incredibly attractive, and being a little bit thick is NOT a bad thing at all! I would certainly prefer this body type over a girl where you can see the outlines of her ribcage. If you have nice, voluptuous curves, consider it a blessing!

 

[Hadassah]

All of those feelings are natural. The ex's thing is because "They" were looking for a relationship. Your size does not matter, and curves are Sexy!
Just about every relationship I ever had (and there were several) ended up cheating on me. Talk about feeling like there was something wrong with you.... Anyways, I know better now, and I do not worry about such trivial things.
From your writings, I can see your beauty. Anyone worth having will see it too. It does not come from the outside, but from within. Outward attraction is for preliminary meeting only.

These unobtainable ideas are driven into girls at such an early age... never to be happy with your body shape if it doesn't represent that of a starved, anorexic model. Curves are incredibly attractive, and being a little bit thick is NOT a bad thing at all! I would certainly prefer this body type over a girl where you can see the outlines of her ribcage. If you have nice, voluptuous curves, consider it a blessing!

Wow, you guys make me blush! Some guy (online) once said that those little boys (that I feel rejected me when I was younger) can't handle my curves, so I need a real man who can handle them! xD So funny!

But anyway, thank you for saying such lovely things. I hope you weren't just saying, haha

 

[Hadassah]

And the sad thing is: I don't go anywhere I could meet someone, because of my AS. Went to a club once, left after 15 minutes. My friends single male friends have never taken an interest in me (I haven't been anywhere where I could even see them like in 4 years though >.<). I don't get hit on anywhere. So there, I must be somewhat hideous. :/ I do know (as I described in my first post) that I really, like really might give the signals of rejection even if I see someone just glancing at me (I'm just scared!!). This is one of the only reasons I hate that I have AS.

 

[nonsensical]

I don't get hit on anywhere.

Hey, baby. How you doin'?

 

[Hadassah]

Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Haha, good one sir, good one

 

[total-recoil]

My experience has always been many people with aspergers are ignored. My memory of this goes back to earliest school years when the teacher would tell the class to make pairs and I'd be left standing on my own. I never understood why. And to this day, it continues to be the case. I was once amazed that I was able to walk up to a group of people I knew who were talking, stand for 5 minutes, not even be noticed and then quietly go off. Nobody noticed. Like the invisible man.
I think you're not being hit on because perhaps the other girls around you are more tuned into the wavelength of the guys so it's not to do with looks or anything obvious. Maybe more like, say, one French girl in a room full of German men and German girls. It's easier for the German men to talk to the German women and it's easier for neurotypical guys to relate to NT women.
After years of experiencing this kind of nagging rejection, I can offer you some advice. First of all, maybe work out at the gym and wear good clothes and guys will notice you whether you're aspie or NT or whatever. That in itself is good for the ego. Don't rush into the idea of serious relationships just to satisfy social expectations. Wait till someone worth knowing comes your way. Consider the number of unhappy, divorced couples who rushed into a heavy relationship. You have nothing at all to prove to anyone do you? I mean, you are the person you are and your friends should accept you as you are or they're not worth your time.
If it's any comfort, I consider I have a pretty strong dose of AS and the truth is I can't for my life get girlfriends. It used to drive me crazy. Every time there is a Tom Cruise lookalike guy and myself in a room plus one girl, the girl will pick the Tom Cruise type. Every time there is me and a guy with 9 bellies and no teeth in a room, the girl will pick the guy with 9 bellies and no teeth. I also seemed to acquire the power of becoming invisible so I'd be talked around as if not even present. Of course, I have had success with women in the past and even had brief relationships despite all the obstacles (of being virtually invisible).
Anyway, I'm far better at socialising now I've taken a relaxed attitude. As I said, I don't stress over the issue. People can take me as I am or forget it. What matters is my opinion of myself. I can make women laugh out loud these days and some now even call me by my first name (even flirt a little). I try to take care of my appearance a bit more than in the past and I don't chase after people. Sometimes I just try to laugh at the situation and give time to time.

And the sad thing is: I don't go anywhere I could meet someone, because of my AS. Went to a club once, left after 15 minutes. My friends single male friends have never taken an interest in me (I haven't been anywhere where I could even see them like in 4 years though >.<). I don't get hit on anywhere. So there, I must be somewhat hideous. :/ I do know (as I described in my first post) that I really, like really might give the signals of rejection even if I see someone just glancing at me (I'm just scared!!). This is one of the only reasons I hate that I have AS.

 

[Hadassah]

Yes, good points there

But I don't think going to the gym has anything to do with it -so that was kind of hurtful.. :/ It sounds like you think only toned women are worthy of male attention. Gives me bad memories of my ex who'd pick on my appearance all the time I guess my few extra pounds are a big deal then, which hurts. Stupid me.

But a few extra kilos don't mean I'm not in good physical condition, because I actually am! I work out every day!

 

[total-recoil]

No, I think what I meant was I go to the gym myself as it sort of makes me appear athletic and confident. I'm aware there are women who don't like guys with muscles or may even like plump guys or whatever. It just makes me feel good to go and it also give me a dopamine boost. I hope I haven't put my foot in it and maybe I expressed myself badly. In my post I didn't say there was anything concrete that causes aspies to be ignored. We just do get ignored so I was trying to explain about feel good factor, like clothes and gym and so on.
Maybe someone can help me out as I'm not so good at expressing this stuff properly.

Yes, good points there

But I don't think going to the gym has anything to do with it -so that was kind of hurtful.. :/ It sounds like you think only toned women are worthy of male attention. Gives me bad memories of my ex who'd pick on my appearance all the time I guess my few extra pounds are a big deal then, which hurts. Stupid me.

But a few extra kilos don't mean I'm not in good physical condition, because I actually am! I work out every day!

 

[Hadassah]

@total-recoil Ok, I'm sorry for overreacting. I know you meant well..

Just that I've been ridiculed all my life, bullied at school. Mostly because of the way I look. It still is a very, very sensitive subject for me. And if I feel a certain look is demanded by a man/men it brings back all of those bad memories.