As an AS female I can only talk to guys online

[Garnet]

I have the same issue! I have only had two relationships and they were when I was very young. 14 and 17. Both were on the spectrum, so I suppose they couldn't tell there was something very odd about me. Since I was old enough I have had profiles on just about every online dating website and I find it much easier to talk to people. I get a lot of guys interested in me based on my profile and conversations online, but then they reject me after one or two dates or decide they only want to be "friends with benefits". I have had many of that type of relationship, even though in an ideal world I would never, because it is the only type of companionship (I can't even find decent friends...) I can get. Just in the past few weeks I have gone on dates with 3 different guys and been rejected 3 times. One just deleted me as a contact on skype and de-friended me on facebook with no explanation. One said the age difference was too much (that one seems to come up a lot. I'm 19 and he's 28. I relate better to people 3-10 years older then me but I guess it's not mutual...) and the other basically said my issues (not aspergers, but self-esteem issues and my past) were too much for him. But that one wants to be friends with benefits.

 

[Judge]

I'm not female, however it's still a discouraging thing for me personally to know that no matter how I come across online, it's likely to be somewhat different in person. Subdued to say the least.

AS doesn't betray my heart and mind, but it can certainly interfere with how I attempt to relate to someone face-to-face depending on the level of stress it may or may not involve. Very frustrating...and has remained with me all my adult life.

I guess perhaps it's just a matter of meeting people who aren't so focused or judgmental on first impressions.

 

[Hadassah]

I have the same issue! I have only had two relationships and they were when I was very young. 14 and 17. Both were on the spectrum, so I suppose they couldn't tell there was something very odd about me. Since I was old enough I have had profiles on just about every online dating website and I find it much easier to talk to people. I get a lot of guys interested in me based on my profile and conversations online, but then they reject me after one or two dates or decide they only want to be "friends with benefits". I have had many of that type of relationship, even though in an ideal world I would never, because it is the only type of companionship (I can't even find decent friends...) I can get. Just in the past few weeks I have gone on dates with 3 different guys and been rejected 3 times. One just deleted me as a contact on skype and de-friended me on facebook with no explanation. One said the age difference was too much (that one seems to come up a lot. I'm 19 and he's 28. I relate better to people 3-10 years older then me but I guess it's not mutual...) and the other basically said my issues (not aspergers, but self-esteem issues and my past) were too much for him. But that one wants to be friends with benefits.

That's horrible, sweetie! I could NEVER deal with dating sh*t like that myself.. I can easily talk with men online, but the thought of meeting them soon after IRL is something, I can't do!! And if they won't like me IRL, it kills me.. Rejection kills me.. Due to my past being bullied by boys in school and my father being violent.

But I hope you will find someone who's worth keeping for YOU! Don't give up!

 

[AspieSam]

No, but, I prefer them often cause if there not on the spectrum esp. There more real, kinder, less stereotypical, etc.

 

[Michael B]

Actually all three of these "relationships" have happened without me searching for them, so that's quite true All of them fell for my sweet nature (or that's what they said) and also the first and the last (not the narcissist one) thought I was gorgeus.. Sniff.

It still doesn't shake off the feeling that irl I always feel like I lose to other women. I'm not the girl guys get interested in or get noticed. I've heard several times it's in my head, but can't help it. Because all of my real life crushes have been "snatched" by another woman and I end up crying in the corner. There's been like 5 serious crushes and 3 of them knew I liked them. None of them wanted me. I think I look weird or ugly, that is my main reason in my head. Never been a stick either, but not fat either. But that's a big concern aswell. Getting more toned now, but I'll always have my curves.

Plus my Narcissist ex took away the last bits I thought were beautiful in me.. And as an aspie I just looove to analyze why I'm still single and it gets a little bit too of hand, lol. Plus I ain't getting any younger and starting to get scared I'll never find anyone..

Hi Hadassah I'm guy and I know how you feel ;-)

 

[Vanilla]

Heh, I'm probably guilty of having a little trouble in this department too.

I can talk to most guys, and girls, no worries. As soon as a guy starts to hint more of an interest though, I tend to put up a wall, and become rather cold too. I generally try to leave if it's an option, as it gets rather uncomfortable. It's even worse when they try and come on way too strong, or get too touchy with their hands. Not a fan of that at all.

I'm not really a shy person, so I think the reason I do this is more of a complicated one. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel it's really inappropriate, or weird, when guys hit on you, and you barely know them. I'd prefer to be friends first, or at least be comfortable enough with them to not need to rely on small talk, before dropping my guard.

Also, there's something strangely unnatural about how people date. I haven't been on many dates, but have tried a few more out of curiosity. The few times I have tried, it feels like a job interview, and isn't pleasant at all. It always feels forced, and I hate the idea of spending my evening with a guy who's not being himself, and is only trying to impress me with what he thinks I want to hear, rather than being able to act like a normal human being.

I know that's how it is in the real world, but I guess I'm just odd that way

 

[Judge]

Heh, I'm probably guilty of having a little trouble in this department too.

I can talk to most guys, and girls, no worries. As soon as a guy starts to hint more of an interest though, I tend to put up a wall, and become rather cold too. I generally try to leave if it's an option, as it gets rather uncomfortable. It's even worse when they try and come on way too strong, or get too touchy with their hands. Not a fan of that at all.

I'm not really a shy person, so I think the reason I do this is more of a complicated one. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel it's really inappropriate, or weird, when guys hit on you, and you barely know them. I'd prefer to be friends first, or at least be comfortable enough with them to not need to rely on small talk, before dropping my guard.

Also, there's something strangely unnatural about how people date. I haven't been on many dates, but have tried a few more out of curiosity. The few times I have tried, it feels like a job interview, and isn't pleasant at all. It always feels forced, and I hate the idea of spending my evening with a guy who's not being himself, and is only trying to impress me with what he thinks I want to hear, rather than being able to act like a normal human being.

I know that's how it is in the real world, but I guess I'm just odd that way

Doesn't seem "odd" at all to me. That socialization on certain levels cannot be improvised- or trivialized. I get that.

 

[nofu2603]

My experience has always been many people with aspergers are ignored. My memory of this goes back to earliest school years when the teacher would tell the class to make pairs and I'd be left standing on my own. I never understood why. And to this day, it continues to be the case. I was once amazed that I was able to walk up to a group of people I knew who were talking, stand for 5 minutes, not even be noticed and then quietly go off. Nobody noticed. Like the invisible man.
I think you're not being hit on because perhaps the other girls around you are more tuned into the wavelength of the guys so it's not to do with looks or anything obvious. Maybe more like, say, one French girl in a room full of German men and German girls. It's easier for the German men to talk to the German women and it's easier for neurotypical guys to relate to NT women.
After years of experiencing this kind of nagging rejection, I can offer you some advice. First of all, maybe work out at the gym and wear good clothes and guys will notice you whether you're aspie or NT or whatever. That in itself is good for the ego. Don't rush into the idea of serious relationships just to satisfy social expectations. Wait till someone worth knowing comes your way. Consider the number of unhappy, divorced couples who rushed into a heavy relationship. You have nothing at all to prove to anyone do you? I mean, you are the person you are and your friends should accept you as you are or they're not worth your time.
If it's any comfort, I consider I have a pretty strong dose of AS and the truth is I can't for my life get girlfriends. It used to drive me crazy. Every time there is a Tom Cruise lookalike guy and myself in a room plus one girl, the girl will pick the Tom Cruise type. Every time there is me and a guy with 9 bellies and no teeth in a room, the girl will pick the guy with 9 bellies and no teeth. I also seemed to acquire the power of becoming invisible so I'd be talked around as if not even present. Of course, I have had success with women in the past and even had brief relationships despite all the obstacles (of being virtually invisible).
Anyway, I'm far better at socialising now I've taken a relaxed attitude. As I said, I don't stress over the issue. People can take me as I am or forget it. What matters is my opinion of myself. I can make women laugh out loud these days and some now even call me by my first name (even flirt a little). I try to take care of my appearance a bit more than in the past and I don't chase after people. Sometimes I just try to laugh at the situation and give time to time.

Hi, please forgive me if I am doing something wrong but I am an oldie and this is the first forum I have ever been on so don't know the protocol, (is it ok to comment on other people's posts? )but I have been reading this thread and a few things have struck a cord with me.
Your comments about aspergers people being ignored, that is so true of my experience. I have often blamed this on the fact that I am small but it has been a theme throughout my life. Today I had to take a phone call from a colleague lecturing me about communication, I had a meeting with them telling them what I was planning to do, I sent an e-mail saying I was planning to do it this next week, then I went to the location yesterday and spoke to the staff to tell them what I was there to do, did it, and today he is telling me know one knows what I was doing yesterday and I need to communicate more. I guess most people would shrug this off but this kind of stuff really gets to me.
Plus I get your comment about the gym. I have always been slim but the menopause has stolen my waist, I refuse to give in to this and diet and exercise every day because the way I look is important to me, you have to feel good about yourself. I do think apies think anything less than perfection is failure probably because they feel so unlovable generally and never quite good enough. Would you agree?

 

[rainydays]

I am exactly the same, and I have talked to therapists about this fear of men irl, and I've only been told really useless things like "oh you just haven't met the right man yet". No, maybe I have, but something happens and I freeze up (from anxiety).

I think it's okay to meet people on the internet if that allows you to be yourself and connect with others.

Your ex sounds really abusive, and you don't deserve that kind of treatment at all! Even if you have some extra pounds, that doesn't mean you're unattractive! Lots of men like and are attracted to women who are considered overweight, a lot of them like a soft woman, sure not ALL men, but still, enough. He was interested in you and attracted to you enough to date you, so really he was just trying to control you, and making you feel insecure was a way for him to gain control over you. I am sorry you had such a horrible experience!

 

[Adora]

I wasnt lucky when it came to men I remember one of my early dates with a guy and I think I didn't make a good impression,we were going to see a movie and I remember all I was talking about was comic books and comic book movies.i never went in another date with him and I found by my parents who knew him said that I wouldn't shut up about comics and I also found out later on he said to someone I was boring.i cried a whole night over that stupid thing which was silly,but sadly the few dates I went on ended up being the one date only,then when I was about 21 I went on a date with a guy who I thought would do the same but I got the shock of my life when he rang me back to see me again,I only saw him for a short bit but unfortunately I have had much worse experiences than this when it comes to men I've had to deal with being taken advantage of and I'm still recovering from it.but the good thing is that I'm married now and it was something I thought I never be.

 

[bubbles]

Anyone else here got the same thing? I just can't do it IRL, just can't. I run and hide. Or get cold (I've heard) and seem like I'm not interested. I'm just so freaking scared!! If a guy approaches me and starts to talk, my mind completely blacks out and I don't even understand what he's saying (I'm serious!). I only have female friends.

My pitiful online relationships have always failed.. The first having severe autism so that he wanted to be with me -but couldn't let anyone that close in the end, one being a narcissistic abuser (which sadly was the only one I actually have met), and the last one living too far and having severe depression. And I've heard being to needy :/ I wonder if that's because of AS.

Oh well, I've heard that most aspie women spend their whole life alone.. I hope that's not the case for all

Wow you should read my thread, I just posted about feelings of low self esteem and worthlessness. Not being able to talk in real life is quite common, just because an aspie can think about what she's gonna say before she just goes right in there it makes it tonnes easier, my advice is meeting people online as a friends only basis, try to meet NTs which understand you and love your quirks, or meet other aspies on the same level of the spectrum. Then you will feel comfortable around them when meet up time comes, and you will feel more at ease, I don't know if my advice makes any sense but I hope it helps