As an AS female I can only talk to guys online

[Hadassah]

Like me, you have obviously been ridiculed at school and rejected and this has clearly damaged your self confidence. It seems to me you are trying to find a reason for your relationship issue with these guys and somehow you have pinpointed your looks. I had an aspie best friend who used to swear to me all his problems with girls were due to his nose and his looks and somehow I was never able to change his mind. Personally I suspect you are good looking and attractive but even if you weren't Miss World, trust me it would not have an impact on your love life.

I also think it would help you to try and look at all of this from a logical, objective perspective and try and lose your emotions since emotions are deceptive. Your emotions are telling you all sorts of things but logic suggests what is happening here is you've been hurt in the past by negative, jealous people and you are struggling with the typical asperger isolation scenario. There is a lot you need to work out and come to terms with in your past so you can hopefully reconstruct your life for the better.

Very good insights there, sir. Must ponder on them more. (And btw I wasn't attacking you in my prev post. I just feel very strongly (obviously) when it comes to women and gym and men demanding that from them.)

 

[total-recoil]

I understand. People who know me have often said I'm not very good at being sympathetic and tend to coldly outline my very pragmatic advice. Still it may help you to know that I too come from a difficult family background and at school had some very bad experiences. As a result I had to go through a long process of initial anxiety and later anger and resentment plus frustration. I now have reached the point where I no longer feel so angry since I think understanding the whole aspergers/family issue made me go a lot easier on myself and made me kind of reprogram myself.
I believe in self analysis and it may help you the same to try and analyse how your family background affected you later in life. As someone said earlier, maybe your father is being projected onto men in general which is a common reaction. Possibly you feel a huge pressure to meet up to these guys' standards and fear you cannot and so on.
Be wary of trying to change things to please others or attract guys you depend on too much. It's more important to build your own self esteem and feel good about yourself and then from that point find guys who take you or leave you for yourself.

Very good insights there, sir. Must ponder on them more. (And btw I wasn't attacking you in my prev post. I just feel very strongly (obviously) when it comes to women and gym and men demanding that from them.)

 

[Ylva]

Speaking of analysis, I was and am reading this book, "Trauma and Recovery".

Because bullying is abuse, even child abuse, committed by other children and teachers who are too cowardly to stop it when they are not actively participating in it, and PTSD is therefore a perfectly normal reaction to have and you can work through it, and if anyone tells you **** like you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself or it was so long ago and they were just kids, hold on to the knowledge that you know what's best for you better than they and that you are right to address this.

"How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything" by Dr Albert Ellis is also pretty good.

Then there is this forum. It has helped me feel more like part of a demographic, and less like the only person in the world who has debilitating sensitivities and is forced to put her instincts before her adherence to social conventions.

 

[LikeyouToMe]

I just want to say, I also think you are pretty hot too!

 

[Hadassah]

I just want to say, I also think you are pretty hot too!

Oh my... *hides again* Thank you..

Well, I guess I _seriously_ need to stop thinking my looks aren't good enough for someone and focus on other things that might be preventing me from having a man in my life!!!! Like seriously

 

[Explosition_Rooster]

Oh my... *hides again* Thank you..

Well, I guess I _seriously_ need to stop thinking my looks aren't good enough for someone and focus on other things that might be preventing me from having a man in my life!!!! Like seriously

No I agree; I find you pretty hot as well.

Back to the subject, I can't talk to anyone, period, outside of the internet. I'm working on it, but there are the bad days...

 

[Hadassah]

No I agree; I find you pretty hot as well.

Back to the subject, I can't talk to anyone, period, outside of the internet. I'm working on it, but there are the bad days...

Well this is quite overwhelming (in the positive way).. Thank you!

And you know what? I was basically a hermit until 24! I couldn't really interact with people and found it really difficult and challenging. It all changed when I finally found a lovely church to go to. I've always been a Christian, but never really belonged anywhere before. There I found friends (a few at first). And I'm not saying it was easy to go there, or if someone invited me to a gathering of people my age.. It was well, hell.. But I knew I was surrounded with good people. Also I didn't really talk with my co-workers for the first 3 years at my job!! They must've thought I was really weird.. And I didn't know I had Asperger's. But little by little I learned to make conversations with my co-workers and these days I'm quite social, even though every time I step in to the break room I'm still scared :/ It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it. I hope you can find some place where you can practice to be social too And I'm sure everyone is glad to have you here!

 

[Hadassah]

WTF?! The other model-looking guy eyeballed me like crazy! I don't like this! Feeling super self-conscious today already.. Whatever the reason I just wanna run awayyyy, I was not meant for this world, people are so weird and I can't read them! :/

 

[LikeyouToMe]

WTF?! The other model-looking guy eyeballed me like crazy! I don't like this! Feeling super self-conscious today already.. Whatever the reason I just wanna run awayyyy, I was not meant for this world, people are so weird and I can't read them! :/

I think you need to really look at this in another way. It may be some kind of other energy that you are putting out there, in the kind of way Rachel Leigh Cook is in She's All That, ridiculously hot but shy and may be people are seeing that. May be people are seeing you underneath or you are giving out some kind of energy that is actually more you than shy and worrying person you think or can be sometimes.

 

[Ylva]

Not to derail the thread or anything, but Rachel Leigh Cook's character in that movie was actually considered a loser because she, in addition to her lousy attitude, hid behind Elton John glasses, baggy clothes and untidy hair. I think the nineties had a thing for relationships not based on looks.

However, people judge looks, and I wouldn't take those judgments too seriously either way (as in, whether positive or negative), but for my part I'm neither here nor there in the hotness department. It is entirely subjective, even in terms of classical good looks.

If you are really, truly bothered by the attention, you can take a page out of the aforementioned character's book – not with the attitude, that's just setting yourself up for negative experiences – but with clothes and the like. Alternatively, get comfortable with being ogled; I never could have, I just find being stared at incredibly uncomfortable, but for all I know that is the right solution for you. There are at least a dozen other alternatives if you think about it (seeing as you are the one who knows what you want and what you do not want.)

 

[total-recoil]

I have the same problem but as a guy. I worked out all my life, am reasonably athletic but the bottom line is girls aren't interested. I went through years assuming it was my looks and going to the gym but much later on I realised there was something else. It's basically a connection issue. Women also blow hot and cold. Two weeks ago there was a girl at work who became very flirty, chatting a lot and giving a lot of positive signals. Later, she asked me for my address and said she would like to visit. I was quite shocked really but gave her the info she needed. Then, the other day she just blew cold. I was thinking to myself did I imagine something or get my wires crossed? And she then asked me had I been married before and I was pretty honest and said no. She was with friends and I just got the impression her friends had talked her out of the whole thing or that maybe I have this Michael Jackson reputation as being an enigma. However, it happens where women just freeze me out I just shrugged it off.
I think with me I'm pretty good at covering up the asperger situation in basic situations such as work where you only need to talk at a superficlal level. Once it diverts into friendship, I get into difficulty. I cannot relate to "normal people" and I can't understand signals. Even friendships can blow very cold. After a very prolonged amount of thought and analysis over time I concluded aspergers is a connection problem. Like frequency in electronics. That is, you are on a different wavelength to the average person and they soon figure out that you are different and then prefer to be with someone perceived as "normal". I mean, I did have a girlfriend once (before I knew I had A.S.) and she told me quite frankly that her friends and people she knew told her I had a reputation for being "weird".Of course, now I'm able to respond and if necessary explain what aspergers is but back then I had no answers.
I think I accepted I'm a loner and that not many people are going to figure me out. However, I wouldn't say I'm unhappy as I relate very well to animals and have a lot of interests. I also think most N.T.people are shallow and superficial. I don't see anything big that I'm missing but what I do see is people using one another for money or having a partner so as not to be alone. I know it's not all that bad but many relationships do fall into this bracket. To me people seem selfish, wrapped up in themselves and nothing deep worth getting to know. Most conversation rotates around money, work, football and talent shows on T.V. To me it always seemed kind of false.

WTF?! The other model-looking guy eyeballed me like crazy! I don't like this! Feeling super self-conscious today already.. Whatever the reason I just wanna run awayyyy, I was not meant for this world, people are so weird and I can't read them! :/

 

[Judge]

Strange now to look back on my one and only blind date. Set up by a friend at work. What a disaster. She told my friend, "If it was if he wasn't even there."

Realizing so many years later how my A/S could go full tilt in such a stressful situation. Guys...gals...you are not alone.

 

[Ylva]

I'll never, ever let anyone set me up on a blind date. Just the THOUGHT of being that intimate (eating with! sitting next to!) a perfect stranger is enough to make me anxious.

 

[LikeyouToMe]

I'll never, ever let anyone set me up on a blind date. Just the THOUGHT of being that intimate (eating with! sitting next to!) a perfect stranger is enough to make me anxious.

You are not the only one, ergh!

 

[Hadassah]

I think with me I'm pretty good at covering up the asperger situation in basic situations such as work where you only need to talk at a superficlal level. Once it diverts into friendship, I get into difficulty. I cannot relate to "normal people" and I can't understand signals. Even friendships can blow very cold. After a very prolonged amount of thought and analysis over time I concluded aspergers is a connection problem. Like frequency in electronics. That is, you are on a different wavelength to the average person and they soon figure out that you are different and then prefer to be with someone perceived as "normal". I mean, I did have a girlfriend once (before I knew I had A.S.) and she told me quite frankly that her friends and people she knew told her I had a reputation for being "weird".Of course, now I'm able to respond and if necessary explain what aspergers is but back then I had no answers.
I think I accepted I'm a loner and that not many people are going to figure me out. However, I wouldn't say I'm unhappy as I relate very well to animals and have a lot of interests. I also think most N.T.people are shallow and superficial. I don't see anything big that I'm missing but what I do see is people using one another for money or having a partner so as not to be alone. I know it's not all that bad but many relationships do fall into this bracket. To me people seem selfish, wrapped up in themselves and nothing deep worth getting to know. Most conversation rotates around money, work, football and talent shows on T.V. To me it always seemed kind of false.

I think you are onto something here!!! And I feel the same way about animals And the way NT's are! I think us aspies have more depth than them.

 

[Hadassah]

Blind dates are basically my worst fear!!! To be judged by someone, who will measure if you're good enough for them or not!! And who possibly themselves are total jerks. I could never show my character to them, like in here, for example. Plus I still would have a problem with my looks and self-esteem and just worry about that all the time :/

 

[Judge]

I'll never, ever let anyone set me up on a blind date. Just the THOUGHT of being that intimate (eating with! sitting next to!) a perfect stranger is enough to make me anxious.

Looking back now knowing I always had A/S, I can't possibly imagine pushing myself to do such a thing over and over would have improved the results. Something that would probably be very difficult to explain to a NT trying to be "helpful".

 

[total-recoil]

That's the paradox. I always felt people around me are mostly shallow. Also very selfish. I lost count of the number of people who told me I shouldn't spend time taking care of the dog as I could spend the time doing things for myself such as decorating. No understanding of what it means to care for animals and what you gain by it. Also the so-called relationships are often set up to fill a void and maybe a shared home. I know it's not always like that but often it's the case.

I think you are onto something here!!! And I feel the same way about animals And the way NT's are! I think us aspies have more depth than them.

 

[Kelly]

Wow Hadassah,
there are so many things going on there.
First off, looking for a relationship never works. It comes to you. You seem to question your worth, and your confidence. Having a "Father Role Model" like you described will most certainly lead to deep seated problems. You are not responsible for how you grew up, that is like blaming yourself for getting a flat tire.
There is nothing wrong with you, including having Aspergers. You are who you are supposed to be, and you are beautiful just like that! There is more than one man out there that would take you just as you are, and be the most grateful man ever.
You say you don't know how to talk to men. I say that the right man will know how to talk to you, AND how to listen. Are there any males in your life that you can talk to? A coworker, a relative or something like that?
You can overcome these obstacles, but it may prove to be a gargantuan task, and may also require some help. want to talk some more on this, you can meassage me, or just write on here.
Good Luck.

This post so so much!!!

You are clearly beautiful and from what I've read of your posts on here you are also funny, interesting and are a great catch. As Peace has said the right man for you will know how to talk to you and it will feel less awkward.

I was in a similar mindset as you are back when I was 17/18/19, I hated myself so much, hated my body, hated my life and felt completely worthless. I could talk to people online no problem but face to face I just couldn't do it, even girls, I'd get friendly with someone online and we'd arrange to meet up and she'd be chatting away and I'd be one word answers, feel so awkward and wanted it all to be over but online I was totally different. Same with men but then there was the added complication of romantic feelings and as a result I would get drunk enough so I could actually hold a conversation and when I'm drunk all inhibitions go out of the window and I ended up doing many things I deeply regret and was used and abused a lot.

Then I got chatting to some guy online and we had a lot in common and eventually there was that little spark of romance, we started calling each other, lengthy calls turned into weekend long visits and so on, we will have been married 9 years next month. Anyway my point is, with him it was different as Peace said he was able to get me to talk and I felt so completely at ease with him that within weeks I was able to be myself completely, stims and all.

Try not to focus too much on meeting men with the purpose of a relationship, just aim for friendship, if you get talking to someone online don't jump straight from that to meeting face to face, try calling each other on the phone and then try skype which is sort of face to face but not, so may help.

Good luck and don't give up you will find someone just right for you who will cherish you just the way you are!

 

[Hadassah]

This post so so much!!!

You are clearly beautiful and from what I've read of your posts on here you are also funny, interesting and are a great catch. As Peace has said the right man for you will know how to talk to you and it will feel less awkward.

I was in a similar mindset as you are back when I was 17/18/19, I hated myself so much, hated my body, hated my life and felt completely worthless. I could talk to people online no problem but face to face I just couldn't do it, even girls, I'd get friendly with someone online and we'd arrange to meet up and she'd be chatting away and I'd be one word answers, feel so awkward and wanted it all to be over but online I was totally different. Same with men but then there was the added complication of romantic feelings and as a result I would get drunk enough so I could actually hold a conversation and when I'm drunk all inhibitions go out of the window and I ended up doing many things I deeply regret and was used and abused a lot.

Then I got chatting to some guy online and we had a lot in common and eventually there was that little spark of romance, we started calling each other, lengthy calls turned into weekend long visits and so on, we will have been married 9 years next month. Anyway my point is, with him it was different as Peace said he was able to get me to talk and I felt so completely at ease with him that within weeks I was able to be myself completely, stims and all.

Try not to focus too much on meeting men with the purpose of a relationship, just aim for friendship, if you get talking to someone online don't jump straight from that to meeting face to face, try calling each other on the phone and then try skype which is sort of face to face but not, so may help.

Good luck and don't give up you will find someone just right for you who will cherish you just the way you are!

Hey Kelly! Thank you so much for your lovely post It made my day!

I'm sorry you had to go through all that But I'm happy to hear you have after those bad experiences found true love! That is amazing, I'm very happy for you. I always feel for people who have been through something like this! I wish all the lonely and searching people in the world would find each other :,)!

Ok, I will keep in mind your advice! I won't give up!